…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.

Leave a comment

Shattered Heart for Valentine’s Day?



Candlelit dinner…a bottle of champagne…slow dancing in front of a roaring fire…long-stemmed roses…a box of chocolates…a moonlit walk on the beach…rose petals strewn across the bed…sexy red lingerie…   Ah romance is in the air!  But for many of the people in the Affaircare community, this time of year can be anything BUT romantic.  Many are struggling with feelings of hurt and betrayal after discovering their spouse was cheating…or struggling with feelings or guilt and shame after being caught in an affair -OR- feelings of entitlement and stubborn pride refusing to give up their affair and deflecting guilt, blame-shifting and gaslighting their spouse!

If you find your heart shattered this Valentines Day, here are 10 thing you can do to ease your shattered heart and help Valentine’s Day pass less painfully.

1. Feel the Pain. Many times people are tempted to avoid how they actually feel, or deny to themselves that they feel pain and just suppress it.  Instead of pretending everything is okay and acting like if you ignore it, it will go away, actually allow yourself to feel what you feel.  Don’t ignore it.  Give yourself a private time and place to relax, be honest with yourself, and feel what you feel.

2. Avoid Your Ex or STBX.  If you and your spouse are currently separated or your spouse is still actively involved in their affair, the temptation can be to try to do something–anything–romantic to try to give it “one last try”…or you hope that by doing something loving for them, they will love you back.  Please-do not do this.  If your spouse is committing adultery and hardened their heart, right now they will not be available to give love back to you and your hopes will be crushed.  If you want to be cordial, that’s fine…but do not have the intention that you’ll do this great, romantic gesture and they will return it and make you feel better.

3. Love Your Friends.  There are many people surrounding you who love and care about you. Express your gratitude and love for your friends, your family, your neighbors, the folks in your support group, or the people at church.  These people are in your life, daily, and they demonstrate Love in its truest form–by acting in a loving way toward you.  So love THEM on Valentine’s Day. Have them over to dinner or go out to dinner together.

4. Think of Others.  There are many, MANY people who are not in stable, loving relationships on Valentine’s Day. Some are not even in homes and worry every day where they will sleep or eat. Some are in nursing homes, unloved and forgotten by their families.  Can you imagine how it would feel to be alone in a nursing home on Valentine’s Day?  Get over yourself already and go get a box of kids’ valentines and pass them out at a homeless shelter or a nursing home.  They’ll LOVE it!!

5. Claim the Day–Carpe Diem.  You know, you can choose to eternally have Valentine’s Day be the annual reminder of the love you don’t have in your marriage…or you can choose to eternally have Valentine’s Day be the day that you SHOW those in your life whom you love what a loving person YOU ARE. This is YOUR DAY–claim it. Make it what you want it to be. Make it “I Love Me Day” or pick one person at random who’s alone and love them. Or even better yet, make this the annual reminder of The One who showed you ultimate love by giving Himself for you–Love GOD today.

6. Do Something Active. If you sit around, alone, at home all day, by yourself…guess what?  You’ll be lonely and all you’ll do is think about how sad you are and you’ll get depressed! Choose to do something active today, like going to the gym, or try something active that you’ve always wanted to try like dance lessons or that yoga class.  The activity will release stress and create endorphins, so you’ll feel tired but happier.

7. Do Something Creative. Maybe you’re like me–honestly I hate exercising, so #6 above is not for me! But rather than use my mind for sorrow and grief, I would rather use my mind for something positive, helpful and innovative, so Valentine’s Day is a GREAT day to create something.  What is your skill?  Are you a writer? Submit a guest post to your favorite blog!  Are you a painter? Paint the sunset.  Whatever your talent, use it to produce something beautiful!  OR if you have always wanted to try that cross-stitch class at Michael’s…sign up.  Always wanted to be a better chef?  Try a new recipe! Go to Walmart and get that cool craft that you thought you were too adult to buy!

8. Be Anti-Valentine’s Day.  This is actually a little tonge-in-cheek fun. There are “Anti-Valentine’s Wakes” and Anti-Valentines cards and everything, so rather than being a romantic mush, join the resistance and make fun of the pink foo-foos. Roast Cupid and his silly arrows! Romance?  HA, who needs it! Refuse to give in to the drivel and FIGHT!  LOL

9. Ask Someone Out.  Okay I’m not advocating dating while married, but if you happen to be alone on Valentine’s Day, and you want to go out, why not ask someone and treat them?  Ask some of your same gender and the two of you go out to dinner, go shopping, and have some fun…or if you’re a guy, go to the steakhouse, go to the ballgame, and have some fun.

10. Buy Chocolate ON SALE! Well this is weak, but it is true and can appeal to your thrifty side.  Right around this holiday, there are boxes of chocolate, Hershey kisses, and all kinds of gourmet chocolates on sale! If you purchase wisely I bet you could buy a year’s worth. Soothe your sweet tooth and save money–there ya go!


  • Valentine’s & Anti-Valentine’s Things To Do!
  • Anti-Valentine’s Day
  • Celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day with a Friend
  • An Anti-Valentine’s Day Playlist
  • Just Say No to Valentine’s Day
Enhanced by Zemanta


14 Days of Love Challenge

You know what’s funny?  I’ve always been the kind of gal who’s emotional, sentimental and romantic.  I keep things that remind me of good memories.  I appreciate a good poem, a tear-jerker chick flick, and a half gallon of Rocky Road as much as the next gal!  But to me Valentines Day has always seemed like a made up holiday, specifically made to stimulate “card sales” and as a kick in the pants for the flower economy.  “What does all this have to do with infidelity?”  you ask?  Well…a lot!  I was looking at Valentines Day like I think most folks in western society look at love: like it should just naturally be gushy and romantic, with roses, lace and barbie-doll sunsets!   But in real life, “love” doesn’t just happen effortlessly.  In real life, love is a VERB and it is a decision…a very deliberate choice to act lovingly toward someone, especially the one to whom you’ve made a vow to “forsake all others.”

That’s where the Fourteen Days of Love Challenge comes in.  As I mentioned, Love is a VERB and that means it’s active.  For the first fourteen days of February, we have one loving activity each day on our Affaircare Romance Calendar….so that means today is Day Six already!!  For the first fourteen days of February, I challenge you to stop looking at what your spouse IS or IS NOT doing, and instead look at yourself.  What loving actions have YOU taken?  And for these 14 days, rather than doing nothing or wishing your spouse would be romantic or loving…YOU be loving!  When your spouse is not exactly wanting to be with you or not treating you in a loving way, the temptation is to say, “Fine then I won’t be nice back!”  No.  For the next week, leading up to the final day on Valentines Day, make the decision to be the kind of person who honors their promises and acts based on commitment rather than as a reward or punishment.  Be a loving person because that is WHO YOU ARE…not because some does or doesn’t do something to you.

Finally, some of the ideas on the Romance Calendar are geared for couples who are together, but as an example, if you look at Wednesdays and realize that you let TVs and computers and laundry turn your bedroom into a Family Room rather than a sexy haven…now’s the time to love by changing that!  Get some new pillows in rich, royal satin.  Move the PCs out and the incense in.  Get a new nighty and still be the loving, sexy person you are!   The idea of the calendar is to give you an idea…whet your whistle…and let your creative juices flow to suite your particular situation.  And don’t forget, your spouse is not the only person whom you can love during this 14 Days of Love Challenge:

Love Yourself–give yourself that loving gesture you need.  Take time, get to know yourself, and love who you are…and if you don’t love who you are at the moment, become the person you were meant to be.

Love Someone who needs it–do you have an aunt who’s all alone?  How about a old dog who’s been faithful all these years?  A best friend you haven’t talked to?  Love THEM by doing one thoughtful thing for them.

Love Something–love gardening, crocheting, working on your car, dog shows…whatever!  Do some activity that YOU used to just love and haven’t done for a long time.

Love a Stranger–this is especially true when it feels like your world is falling apart and you feel despair.  Go help out at a nursing home.  Feed homeless people.  Volunteer to read to blind children.  Suddenly you’ll realize that your life isn’t so bad after all and they will LOVE you for it.

So I’m laying down the challenge.  Who’s joining in?

  • If Love Is In The Air… (
  • Frugal Love: 9 Low-Cost Valentine’s Day Ideas (
  • Hint! Hint! Valentine’s Day is for Geeky Women, too (

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 472 other followers

Powered by