Tag Archives: Sexuality

Question of the Week: April 7th – 13th

question_of_the_week4

Your spouse keeps saying they are “just friends” but where do YOU draw the line?

Is is right for your spouse to have opposite sex friends?   To go to lunch with their opposite sex friends?  To text 1000 or more texts with their opposite sex friends?  To talk on the phone with their opposite sex friends?  To have hobbies and interests with their opposite sex friends?  To spend more time with their opposite sex friends than they do with you?  To discuss your marriage with their opposite sex friends?  To discuss sexual topics with their opposite sex friends?  To flirt with their opposite sex friends?  To be suggestive with their opposite sex friends?

What about touching?  Is it right for your spouse to shake hands with an opposite sex friend?  To touch their arm?  To do a short, friendly hug?  To do a “touch cheeks” kiss in the air?  To do a peck kiss?  To do a longer, lingering hug?  To kiss on the lips?  To touch each other through clothing?  To turn each other on?

Where do YOU draw the line?

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10 Confessions of a FAITHFUL Wife


1. Not all intimacy is sex…not all sex is intimacy. Gal. 5:19 says “The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery.” People often use the word “intimacy” as a euphamism for sex, but really, having faithful sex with your spouse means that you know them intimately and love them anyway…and they know you intimately and love you anyway…and you express that affection and commitment in a physical way. Sex before marriage, sex outside of marriage, all the ways that the gift of sex can be misused…these are NOT intimacy.

2. I thought fidelity only meant “not having sex with someone else.” Actually it means a LOT more than that! Fidelity means giving 100% of your affection and loyalty to the one to whom it is due–your spouse. On your wedding day you made a commitment to give 100% to them and them alone and to forsake all others! So you can not give 25% of your affection to the fun guy at church or 10% of your loyalty to the man at work who treats you nice. ALL of it has to go to your spouse: mentally, emotionally, physically, financially.

3. Great sex isn’t about MY orgasm. Too often we think about sex in terms of “what do I get out of it?” We’ll tell our spouse, “I’m horny!” and if they aren’t, well an argument ensues because sex is focused on “what I want” or “what I get out of it.” I Cor. 13: 5 says: “[Love] ..is not self-seeking.” Great sex is me learning about my spouse and learning what pleases him and giving my body as the one sacred and holy place where he can meet his needs…and likewise he learns about me and what pleases me and gives himself as the one God-sanctioned place were I can meet my needs. The focus is not self-centered.

4. It’s hard to think that my withholding may increase my spouse’s temptation. Too often, one spouse has a higher drive and the other has a lower drive, and the one with the lower drive is so focused on controlling when sex occurs that they don’t stop to think that not only is the lack of sexual release going to increase the physical temptation…but it’s also going to increase the temptations to anger, to seeing things lustfully, etc. Not giving yourself to your spouse in a willing and loving way opens the door to sin. I Cor. 7:9 tells us “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” So rather than focusing on what I want (and when) I need to look at the ways my actions either HELP my spouse be faithful…or HINDER my spouse’s fidelity. If I am withholding or I am controlling when sex occurs, I need to examine myself in light of what God says about marital sex and change.

5. The truth is: everyone wants to feel like they’re “desired.” Your spouse has the option to be wanted by their spouse at home…or to look for it elsewhere. But I guarantee you, that neglecting your spouse at home and thinking “…oh s/he will never cheat” is like closing your eyes and thinking no one can see you. Yes, we all want to think the best of our spouse and believe they will uphold their Christian values..but when they are undesired and ignored at home, and someone at work or in their class WANTS them and is interested in them…the door to sin has been flung wide open. You want to be thought of as sexy and desirable, right? You want someone who will look at you and think “OO-LA-LA I want to hug and kiss him/her!” Well your spouse does too!

6. Acting like some parts of sex “are gross” communicates that being intimate with the person you love is gross. You know what? The sheets are going to get wrinkled and might get a stain or two, you may sweat, your love may sweat, bodily fluids are going to be exchanged. It happens! Part of being faithful means learning how to love everything about your spouse, including those stains and swapping spit. Song of Solomon 1:1 says “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.” If there are hygiene issues, talk to your spouse or maybe have some foreplay in the shower/tub! But learn how to think of your lover as “more delightful than wine.”

7. Don’t be the kind of wife who has to be rested, have flowers, have no stress, have the room perfect, have the right lighting, and have the planets aligned correctly before you’ll be “in the mood.” For myself, I do like getting poems, having a song dedicated to me, or a little candlelight and incense…but I’ve learned that all those things are not always going to happen every time! I’ve learned to be in the frame of mind that’s always WILLING to get in the mood. “Oh? You wanna? Well I’d be willing to let you convince this is a good time!” LOL

8. For your kids to learn what faithfulness truly means, they need to see you modeling fidelity to their dad. If your children see you flirting with guys at work, they’ll learn that flirting outside of marriage is “just their personality!” If your children see you turning to others to have your needs met, they will learn it’s okay for them to turn to others outside their marriage. If your kids see you hiding your cell phone and laptop from your spouse, they will learn that it’s okay to keep secrets from their spouse. If your children hear that “mommy and daddy are getting a divorce because we didn’t get along,” they will learn that if they don’t get along with people, they can just toss them aside.

9. I didn’t realize that faithfulness meant I had to let my spouse see the True Me. I thought everyone deserved some privacy and I could keep some things “to myself” so I wouldn’t hurt him. But fidelity does not mean never, ever hurting my spouse or never, ever making him made. It means being so open and honest with my spouse that I am see-through to him, and he can see my thoughts and my feelings. It means SHARING who I am–the True Me–with my spouse. It means not keeping any secrets and including him in every aspect of my life.

10. Life is going to throw you some curves, and you’re going to think: “I did not sign up for this!” but in your vows you made a promise to spend the rest of your life loving your spouse. That means you stood before God and said that whatever life slings at you, you made a covenant to study your spouse and learn how to act toward them in a loving way. Actually….you DID sign up for this!

 

Wives:

10 Confessions of Wife Who Loves Sex by Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage
Confessions of a Sex Happy Wife by J of Hot, Holy and Humorous
10 Confessions from a Sex-Positive Wife by Lori of The Generous Wife
10 Confessions of Another Sex-Positive Wife by Kate of One Flesh Marriage
Sex Positive Voices from Megan of Do Not Disturb
10 Confessions of Another Sex-Happy Wife from Alecia of Marriage Life
10 Confessions of a Sex-lovin Wife from Erin of Mystery32
Wifey Sex Confessions from Elizabeth of Warrior Wives
10 Confessions of Another Sex-Positive Wife  from Valerie of Mission:Wife

Husbands:

10 Confessions of a Sex Positive Husband from Brad of One Flesh Marriage
Confessions of My Sexy and Sex-Happy Hubby from Mr. Hot, Holy and Humorous, aka Spock
Sex Positive Voices: Part II from Justin of Do Not Disturb
Confessions of the husband of a sex positive wife from Paul of The Generous Husband

’50 Shades’ and Infidelity–there is a connection!

A phenomenon has been hitting the U.S. like a tsunami that is literally sweeping in and flooding our culture with a new buzz: the book ’50 Shades…’.   The book (and topic) have been “exposed” on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, been featured on the cover of Newsweek (Spanking Goes Mainstream), has been topping e-book charts, has been recorded by Ellen DeGeneres, and the film rights have been purchased. Sex shops literally around the world have noticed a spike in sales and a new interest in adult toys.  So far, the book has sold 2,000,000 copies to date and the Kindle version is selling even better.    Everyday housewives…even Christian women…are picking up the book because it has been classified as “mommy porn.”

However, don’t let the euphemism fool you, especially if you are a Christian!  This book is not a somewhat eroticized romantic story.  Nope, this book and the hundreds (if not thousands) of stories like it are just exactly the way that a disloyal spouse subtly, slowly and gradually goes from an honest, decent,  maybe even a “christian” person to someone who lies, cheats and commits adultery.

I think almost everyone in the U.S.A. if they were asked about it would say something like, “Oh yes committing adultery is wrong.”   Likewise, the VAST majority of people probably recognize the damage and destruction that pornography can reek in a marriage.  However, when people think about porn, most probably envision the man in the relationship sneeking off in a raincoat in the dark to a sleazy sex shop to buy the latest nudie magazine or watch a stripper, but those of us who have dealt with porn in marriages know that it is MUCH more subtle than that!  The internet has made it easy to instantly gratify the desire for naked images, sexually explicit stories or images, even full on xxx-rated, extremely graphic movies on every possible topic and fetish!  What once took a very deliberate decision and action now can be a matter of “thinking about it” and the next second, “clicking a link” and boom…it’s all right there in your home and in front of your eyes.   And it’s the same for infidelity.  All you need to do is THINK about being bored with your spouse, wanting sizzling sex with someone again, “what if I had gone with that one from high school?” and the next second, clicking a link for one of those “have an affair” websites, clicking a link for those pop-ups saying they want to meet you, or searching for your first GF/BF on Facebook and boom…it’s all right there in your home and in front of your eyes!

When the idea occurs to us to do something sinful, it doesn’t usually pop into our head “Oh I think I’d like to commit adultery today”  “Oh I believe I’ll be consumed by lust and sexual sin today.”  Nope.  It’s subtle.  It moves by very small, deliberate, gradual steps while you bend your moral code ever so slightly.  Both porn and infidelity follow this pathway, and Psalm 1 even DESCRIBES the pathway for us!  “Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take  or sit in the company of mockers.”  ~Psalm 1:1   See how the Psalmist shows that it starts with walking in the steps of the wicked…we think of a wicked thing, and rather than turning away from it and stopping those thoughts to turn them to God, we consider it a bit, entertain the idea, and then walk in that general direction?  What happens next?  Well we are in the general vicinity of other people who do this particular sinful thing (maybe with others who are “into” porn or surrounding ourselves with people who support “doing what makes you happy”)…so we stand in the way that sinners take.  What’s the final step?  We gradually walked that general direction, we hung out with others who encourage our sin, and finally we join them…we do what they do.  We sit in the company of mockers (those who mock God).  And that’s what sin is like, whether it’s pornography or whether it’s adultery.

In Romans 12:2 we Christians are told “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”  which means that our minds should do a 180 turn from the thought patterns of the world and grow ever more and more focused on glorifying God and doing what pleases Him.  With the internet, and it’s ability to instantly gratify any THOUGHT, it is very important to note the idea of our minds and our thoughts coming into line with God’s mind and thoughts!  If we allow the little foothold of one porn peek or read one little “mommy porn” book, where is our mind?  It is walking on the way of very gradually crumbling your moral code, RATHER than where our minds should be: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” ~Philippian 4:8

Sex and Marriage … marriage and sex

According to the latest Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey in 2010:

  • 44% “are fully satisfied” with their sex lives.
  • 48% “usually orgasm.” Globally, twice as many men (64%) as women regularly have orgasms.
  • 39% are looking for more love and romance.
  • 36% would like more quality time alone with their partner.
  • 31% would like more fun and better communication and intimacy with their partner .
  • 29% a higher sex drive.
  • 37% want to feel less stressed out and tired.

Did you notice anything interesting about those numbers? I did.

After writing the blog last week entitled “Fidelity is not asking ‘How Far Can I Go?’ ” I started to see it in many aspects of life. Here in the USA we look at many things completely backward to how they really are in reality.

In my previous blog I noted that rather than looking at infidelity like the media does and asking “Is sexting really unfaithfulness?” and wondering how far we can go until we cross the line, we should look at it from the completely OPPOSITE side of the coin, and ask ourselves: “What exactly is faithfulness? How can I be more faithful?”  We do the same exact thing with sex and marriage … marriage and sex.  Namely, we look at it from the exact opposite side of the coin from where we ought!

Look at the figures up above about sex. Do you notice anything? Each and every one of them asks the person basically “What do you want out of sex?” Now I do realize that we can not read another person’s mind and they are responsible for communicating what they want in a respectful request–not a demand. I do realize that. But we look at sex–before marriage and in the marriage
setting–exactly bass ackwards. Here in the USA and in the world at large, sex is looked at as “What can I get out of it?” You get affection. You get romance. You get attention. You get your orgasm. You get horny and your sexual need is met. You have a place for your lust to be satisfied. You get off. You get pleasurable physical feelings. You get…You Get…YOU GET!!

Sex is not meant to be about you!

Okay–let me dial it back a moment. It is the gift of God that when a man and a woman commit to each other for a lifetime, that they lovingly serve each other and meet each other’s needs. In
that covenant He created us such that sex is supposed to be pleasurable. So in that sense, in a marriage, the fact is that you and your spouse will have a sex life and it is intended to be very
pleasurable! BUT we have turned sex from a gift we receive because we commit to another person…into a physical sensation that we pursue selfishly!

Therein lies the rub. Even people who call themselves “christians” will act like they are very special indeed, when they haven’t had sex in X number of months after their non-christian spouse divorced them or if they stay virgins until marriage. Much like fidelity, though, rather than focusing on what sex IS and how it’s supposed to be used, they ask “How far can I go before it’s sex? Can we masturbate but not penetrate?”

So let me put this into perspective for you. Sex is focused on YOUR SPOUSE. Sex is meeting their need. Sex is what you give to someone who has made a covenant with you for a lifetime and is acting on that commitment. Sex means studying THEM, and paying attention to what pleases THEM, and concentrating on THEM, and examining THEM and their beliefs and fantasies about sex. Sex is serving your spouse. Sex is helping your spouse resist temptation. The focus of sex is not on you, your horniness or your pleasure. In other words, don’t think of sex as a “right” — think of it as a “responsibility.” Sex is a type/mirror/picture/symbol of the union Christ has with the Church…His Bride.

Now let’s look at a few bible verses about sex:

1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.
Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Proverbs 5:15-19
Drink water from your own well—share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in public, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Don’t share it with strangers.
Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral

I Corinthians 6:18-20
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
You were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Fidelity isn’t about asking “How Far Can I Go?” and sex in marriage is not about asking “What Can I Get Out of This?”