Tag Archives: Marriage

Ask Affaircare: Is Showing All the Signs Proof of Infidelity?

AskAffaircare

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


Our email question today comes from a lady whose spouse thinks she is showing all the signs of infidelity.  She writes:

Since the end of spring of last year, my husband has accused me of having an affair. Although I did not, I understand that he is scared. I was on my phone a lot … playing games and he hates games, so I hid my playing from him.  …I bought new underthings, but didn’t show him. I did this because our marriage was already in trouble and I knew I was pulling away. I needed to feel better about myself, so that was one step that I took. …I had a really tough year and found myself putting up walls because I didn’t know how I was going to get through the year. These factors made him buy a GPS tracking device and a camera, and he took pictures … then accused me of cheating. Although I have been able to prove that some (most) of the things he was using as proof were not true and that he was mistaken, he still refuses to believe me. He tells me that no matter what I say, he has more proof, and that he will always believe that I had an affair. The problem is that now I don’t trust him. Not even a little. I have nothing to hide, but refuse to live like I do. We have lost friends because of this. I think he should have spoken to me about his feelings prior to going to the extremes that he chose to take. He shared with me a guide from this site titled – “All of the Signs Your Spouse May be Cheating” and told me that the signs you listed were reasons to believe my infidelity, even though he can only check off a few things. I figured if he trusts in your site so much, maybe you could give me some advice. Am I wrong for thinking he should have spoken to me about his feelings first?

On the same topic, another husband writes that his wife is showing all the signs of the infidelity:

I feel it in my gut that my wife is cheating. She gives off all almost all the lines listed above. but every time I confront her she denies it. I want to catch her on the act how can I do it.?

Dear Ms. Showing Some the Signs and Mr. She’s Showing Signs,

We are so sorry to be meeting under these circumstance of suspicion and distrust. You are both in our prayers that your marriages will be restored and filled with love and godliness. For Ms. Showing Some Signs, we bet it feels HORRIBLE to be suspected of something you didn’t do–and for Mr. She’s Showing Signs, we bet your intuition is just SCREAMING that something is wrong and you feel sick all the time. Even though you two are kind of at opposite ends of the spectrum, we have chosen to write to you both in this blog because actually your two emails address the same issue:

“If my spouse is showing some of the signs of infidelity from your page, is that proof that they are cheating?  How do you KNOW FOR SURE if your spouse is having an affair?”

We want to answer both of you, first. by quoting what’s right at the top of the page we wrote about all the signs of infidelity.  We wrote:

“These behaviors are only  indicators of a cheating spouse and are not absolutes!  If your spouse has one or two of these behaviors, and there is a legitimate reason and a mutual agreement (such as, you two talk about it and agree to try to lose weight…and they’ve gone a little obsessive about it), these signs do NOT prove infidelity.  But when you observe several, or maybe MOST, of these behaviors, your marriage may be in trouble!  Again, let me reiterate that these behaviors are only indicators of  an affair.”

These signs  do not definitively prove adultery, but even though it may not be an affair, if these signs exist, the marriage is still in trouble.  It just may not have progressed to adultery yet, and it may not be adultery at all but rather some other issues such as addiction or controlling or abuse.  But make no mistake, if more than a few of the signs are showing up–then the marriage IS in trouble!

To both Ms. Showing Some Signs and Mr. She’s Showing Signs we would specifically note that your marriages are in trouble, whether your spouses have slept with another or not.

In fact, let us start with the assumption that neither wife has  slept with anyone else. The definition of fidelity, here at Affaircare, is giving your spouse and only your spouse 100% of your affection and loyalty. Based on that definition, have they been faithful?

So we would respectfully exhort both of you to look at Matthew 7: 1-5:

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

and also to look at Luke 6: 37-42:

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” He also told them this parable: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit? The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

In both chapters, Jesus is talking, and He does not say that we are not to have discernment.  The word for “judge” there is the Greek word KRINO and it means “to pick out (choose) by separating” or “making a determination of right or wrong (innocence or guilt), especially on an official(legal) standard.”  God is the one who JUDGES–our job is to forgive, to give, and to look in our own eye and deal with the plank in our own eye!

So for both of you, we would remind you that you can not change your spouse.  The only person you can change is yourself, and even then it’s with God’s aid and not by anything you do.  HE regenerates us and thus the question becomes “What am I doing in my marriage that contributes to this rift? What do I need to change?”  Now we are not blaming the Loyal Spouse here–do not misunderstand.  What we are saying is that rather than pointing fingers at your spouse and saying “S/He needs to change!” we recommend that you look at your own self and ask yourself: “Could it be me?” “Could it be that I have some things that I need to stop doing?” “Could I be looking at this with jealousy and lack of trust?” “Is it my issue?” and if it is–deal with it!

For Ms. Showing Some Signs, even if we assumed that everything you wrote is 100% true (and let’s be honest here, no one paints themselves in a bad light, so we usually assume there are two sides to every story), there are many red flags that raise a warning.  You are hiding things from your spouse. Your spouse sounds controlling.  You are living life like a single person, not like a married person.  He is driving away your friends. You are not submissive. He is not loving. Your marriage is in big trouble! And the way to repair a marriage is not to be disrespectful and secretive and independent!

Does your spouse get every little bit of your affection, or does whoever you are playing this game with get some small percentage? If you hide your gaming from your spouse, then your loyalty is with the game (and whoever is in the game) and not with your spouse!  And faithfulness is 100% to your spouse–forsaking all others.

Now we are not saying that your spouse doesn’t have some things we would recommend he work on–in fact there are a couple things!–but in reality you need to work on you and he needs to work on him.  So right now our advice to you would be to stop playing the game.  That game is going to end your marriage–is a game worth it?  Whoever you are playing with–you’re playing with fire so end all contact, and never ever contact that person again nor play that game again.  For whatever reason, you have a weakness for or in that game that has harmed your marriage and you are going to have to stay away.

Likewise, you need to stop hiding things from your husband. That only makes it worse. We know you think that what he doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him, but that is absolutely NOT TRUE. When he discovers what you’ve been hiding (and he will because he lives with you), the damage will be magnified specifically because you hid it. Beginning today, be 100% transparent with your husband. That means LET HIM SEE THE REAL YOU. Let him know your thoughts and your feelings.  Let him know where you are going, when you’ll leave, when you’ll return, and who you will honestly be with. If you are having a tough year, turn TO YOUR HUSBAND for support and comfort…not others and not all by yourself.  You are married now and being married means that you made a promise to include and always consider another person in every decision and choice: your husband. Now he’s not supposed to “lord it over you” and control every little move you make, and if he were here we’d talk to him about that…but he’s NOT here and so we are talking to you about the things you can do to strengthen and repair the damage you’ve done!

To Mr. She’s Showing Signs, the first thing we’d caution you to remember is that the whole purpose of the “All the Signs” list is as an alert–a warning–that your spouse MAY be cheating.  MAY is the operative word.  That is to say, at this point, we can not definitively say one way or another if she is or is not.  If you go to a Disloyal Spouse and “confront” them with no proof and no knowledge of what is is or not going on and ask them if they are cheating , what do you think they’re going to do?  Tell you the truth?  No, of course not! They are lying to cover the affair and the affair partner, they are lying about where they are and what they’re doing and with whom…why would you all-of-a-sudden think they would tell the truth now?  That is an unwise course of action.

Instead we would point you to our article “Seven Steps You Can Take To End An Affair”   You need to follow these steps, in order, to give you the best opportunity to save your marriage.  Please note that the very first step is to Gather Evidence.  That means to keep an open heart–that she may be telling the truth and you’re just being jealous or suspicious–and actually investigate FACTS like a detective to either prove or disprove your possible theory.  Look at Ms. Showing Some Signs there–she has not slept with anyone, and she’s showing some of the signs you’re seeing in your own wife.  It may be that you will catch something just as it’s getting out of hand!  My point is that as you Gather Evidence, keep your heart open to WHATEVER you may discover.  It may not be physical infidelity but rather an addiction, or some other issue!  Let the facts show you the truth.

Also, bear in mind that the point of Gathering Evidence is not so you can throw down all the “proof” in front of your spouse and they will automatically cave and tell you the truth.  Nope, the point of Gathering Evidence so that YOU have enough concrete proof in YOUR MIND that you are convinced of what is true and what is not. We guarantee you no matter what concrete evidence you gather, at first your spouse will deny it.  That is what Disloyal Spouses do!  They lie!  In reality, if you walked in on your wife and another man naked in the act, that they would jump out of bed, throw on their clothes, and say, “It’s not what you think!” Right?  So the point of the Gathering Evidence is to find something that is not circumstantial, to find something that convinces you that it’s not all “in your mind” or you making a mountain out of a molehill, and then you will know how to proceed.

We have two blog posts on ways to Gather Evidence: “Low tech ways to check if your spouse is cheating” and “High Tech ways to discover if your spouse is cheating”  We personally recommend that you use both ways (low tech and high tech) to corroborate the conclusion.  After you are convinced of whatever the truth may be, you will know the truth.  If she is not cheating, and you try all the low tech and high tech ways but just find no evidence, we would say consider if there might be other issues like Ms. Showing Some Signs–issues like games that need to stop, living like a single person, or hiding things.  If that’s the case–address it!  And if you find she is cheating, then we would recommend going to Step Two in the Seven Steps and proceeding down that list in order.

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Ask Affaircare: I love the Lord but this time I have proof!

AskAffaircare

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


Our email question today comes from a devastated wife, who writes:

I just heard a message from another married woman specifically meant for my spouse’s ears only telling him how much she enjoyed their <intimate moment>. I told him that because of his infidelity that I am divorcing him. He has had continual affairs in our 30+ years of marriage. Never did I get any form of confirmation; but this time I have proof. I really despise the thought of my husband sleeping with other women and with me too. He’s the only one that I have ever had sex with. It hurts so bad knowing that he’s <putting my health in harm’s way> by sleeping with me and others at the same time.
I love the LORD and I want to do his will.
PLEASE HELP ME!

Dear Devastated Wife,

I am so sorry that we are meeting under circumstances like this.  A marriage of 30+ years is a long time and I’m sure you have been through the “better, worse, richer, poorer, sickness and health” that life over 30+ years gives.  Please do know that you are in our prayers.  Discovering an affair is so painful, and after such a long marriage, I’m sure it’s even worse.

So in your email you pretty much cry out for us to help you, and you do let us know that you love the Lord.  Devastated wife, I want to remind you that we can maybe give you some tips and suggestions, but that your HOPE is in the LORD… not in us.  HE can save you.  All we do is point you to Him.

So what does the Lord say in instances like this?  Well we know that God considers marriage a covenant and He takes covenants VERY seriously.  The bible verse we use here at Affaircare as our foundation verse addresses covenants: “You shall be careful to perform what goes out from your lips, just as you have voluntarily vowed to the Lord your God what you have promised.”  ~Deuteronomy 23:23.  And we’ve all heard that famous verse about God hating divorce (Malachi 2:16) but listen to the whole paragraph that verse is in!  It’s all about breaking covenant through divorce–listen to Malachi 2:10-16:

Do we not all have one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our ancestors by being unfaithful to one another?  …  Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.  You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty.  So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.

So I think we can agree that God does take the marriage covenant very seriously, even if we do not.  And He HATES IT when one of the marriage partners is unfaithful and does violence to the ones s/he should protect!  WOW!

God’s purpose for marriage is to mirror His relationship with us, for spouses to complete each other and offer companionship (Gen. 2:18), and to create a godly legacy (Deut. 6:6)…a place where children could grow up to learn values, character and integrity.  Since we are sinners, we pervert EVERYTHING, and we perverted marriage too.  Rather than our relationships with each other mirroring His perfect love for His Bride (us), our relationships are broken and we are not intimately known by our spouses and instead we desire others.  Rather than our marriages completing each other and offering companionship, our marriages are broken and we hide ourselves from each other and choose spouses based on “what’s in it for me?”  Rather than creating a godly legacy, our families are broken and our children see us living with self-centered values, no morals, and dishonesty.  Clearly we are not meeting God’s purpose for marriage!

It would be nice if we could just end this blog right here and say “There is no reason for divorce ever. Husbands are to love their wives–Wives are to respect their husbands” The End.  Wouldn’t it?  But in real life husbands are sometimes unloving, and wives are disrespectful.  In Matthew 19, Jesus was asked about this and here’s what He said (Matthew 19:1-8):

“When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They (the Pharisses) asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he (Jesus) replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” “Why then,” they (the Pharissees) asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

What can we learn from this passage?  To make it easier to understand, I made the Pharisees’ comments blue, and I made Jesus’ answers red.  The Pharisees were asking Jesus if a married man could divorce his wife for “any and every reason.”  In other words, “He’s having a cranky day and she’s not pleasing him–can he divorce her?  She’s talking back. She lost her looks. She’s critical. Can he divorce her over that?”  What did Jesus say?  He says that the Creator put them together and intended for them to become ONE (very intimate with each other physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually)…so how can you separate what God has put together?  But then the Pharisees asked a pretty good question! They said “Well why did Moses tell us we could get divorced then?”  And look at Jesus’ reply!! He says that Moses PERMITTED (not demanded, not commanded, not required) divorce because the people’s HEARTS WERE HARD!  In other words, Moses “allowed” it because the people were sinful and determined to do what displeased God!!  And then Jesus really makes it clear: “Anyone who divorces EXCEPT FOR SEXUAL IMMORALITY commits adultery.”

So from this passage we can see that if you divorce because your spouse didn’t make you happy–you are committing adultery.  If you divorce because “the two of you grew apart” that’s infidelity.  If you divorce because “sometimes mommies and daddies just stop loving each other” you are unfaithful.  But look closely: the one and only righteous exception is divorcing due to sexual immorality.  Now it does not say that if your spouse is sexually immoral that you MUST divorce them, but rather that you are permitted.  It is allowed.  Make sense?

Further, let’s look at what the Apostle Paul says.  In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t look at just one verse, but rather at the whole paragraph surrounding a verse to make sure to get context.  Okay let’s look at I Corinthians 7: 10-16 (really you could start at verse 1):

“To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.  To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”

What can we learn from this passage?  Well, do you know of a couple where one lives in “the city” and the other lives somewhere else, and they are perpetually separated and live as if they are single–dating and sleeping with anyone?  Paul makes it pretty clear that married people are not supposed to separate, unless it’s for a short time of prayer and spiritual growth, and then we are to come back together and be reconciled!  He also makes it clear that a husband isn’t supposed to destroy his marriage and family by divorcing his wife!  Then he goes into this question: “Well what if my spouse isn’t a Christian?” and he says if the non-believer wants to stay married–coolness show them God’s love through witnessing how you live!  But if the non-believer wants to divorce, what does the Apostle Paul say?  “Let it be so. The Christian brother or sister is not bound in that circumstance; God calls us to live in peace.”

So there are two instances where a divorce is “allowed” but not required: sexual immorality and if your spouse is a non-believer and wants to leave.

Now Devastated wife, you have mentioned that YOU love the Lord and want to do His will, but you do not mention if your husband claims to be a Christian, if he says he loves the Lord, or if he wants to do God’s will. I would posit that if your husband has committed adultery multiple times, it doesn’t seem like he is  repentant or acting in a way that is pleasing to God.  So if your husband IS a Christian and you are convinced that he is depending upon Jesus Christ to pay the penalty of his sin, then the first thing you would have to do is to encourage your brother in Christ to do the right thing and stop the adultery. If he has hardened his heart and will not stop doing what he knows is sin, you can use Matthew 18:15-17 for instructions on how to proceed.   We also have two resources for you: the Affaircare “Just Found Out” page and our article “Seven Steps You Can Take to End an Affair.”  You’ve already done Step 1 (Gather Evidence) and you already have proof…so start on Step 2, which matches with the verses in Matthew 18.

If you are considering divorce, I suggest that you seek God, pray about it, and take your time reaching your decision. Read God’s word and be sure to look for what GOD wants and not what you want.  I pray that my reply here has been a blessing to you.

Recovering After an Affair: W-T-F-S (what does that stand for?) [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile. WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???


In this week’s episode we continue our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair, and we discuss a new communication technique to help you talk to your spouse about those difficult, uncomfortable topics that NEED to be discussed.

If you’d like to learn about W-T-F-S in more detail, our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity.  And for those you listen to our show this week, here are the emotional vocabulary words:

Feeling words

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/WTFS.mp3]

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Ask Affaircare: We’re Newlyweds and My Spouse Cheated!

AskAffaircare

 

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


 

Our email question today comes from a newlywed wife, who writes:

I got married just a few months ago. A few days after marriage my husband decided he didn’t want to be married and started drinking heavily. About a week later he said he was sorry and really loved me. He suspiciously always has to leave and always has a story why he has to leave. There were many signs that he was cheating. I asked God to please reveal to me what I need to know. I found his missing wedding band in his glove compartment. I suspected he was seeing his ex girlfriend. I texted her, telling her he got married along with a picture and then confronted him. His first response was he loved her and tried to love me. Well she has dumped him and now he wants us to work it out. He has been lying and cheating on me since before our marriage. I am being a good, Godly Christian wife, but I don’t trust him or believe him. I don’t know how to! I’m praying, but the mistrust of him cheating before and after marriage is devastating. I feel like he’s staying with me because she dumped him. Please pray for me. I hurt so much!!!! 

 

Dear Newlywed Wife,

We are DEFINITELY praying for you!  I can not imagine the pain of a husband who was unfaithful before the marriage and into “the honeymoon” period!  People usually think of the honeymoon as a time when love is new and strong!  I bet this has been a very painful, trying time for you.

Let’s start by saying that if your new husband has been unfaithful, then in Matthew 5: 31-32 says  “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’  But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.”  When a disloyal spouse is martially unfaithful, it is within the moral rights of the loyal spouse to choose to divorce, but it is not REQUIRED.  If you were to choose to divorce and annul the marriage right now, it would be something you could choose to do with a clear conscience, because the covenant of the marriage was destroyed by the disloyal spouse’s actions–not by your decision to legally match what their actions DID.

But it is very important to note that it is not required for you to divorce, and here at Affaircare we support you if your choice is to attempt to reconcile.  We believe that marriage is commitment and that love is an ACTION not a feeling.  So if you put your commitment to your marriage ahead of temporary feelings right now, or even ahead of feeling of affection, then honestly, we’d see that as heroic and honorable.

If that is your choice–at least for now–it is utterly reasonable for you to not trust him or believe him. Well…actually that’s not accurate.  You trust him … TO BE DISHONEST! It’s a common misunderstanding to say ‘I don’t trust you’ when in real life, you don’t have issues trusting at all.  You trust him to lie to you.  You trust him to be unbelievable.  See what we mean?  There is trust–the part that’s been broken is the HONESTY part, not the trusting.

And it’s reasonable to not believe him and not trust his honesty.  His words and actions have not matched.  He has demonstrated a willingness and ability to lie to you.  He has ACTED dishonestly and spoken dishonestly, so right now, you have complete faith in his ability to hide things from you, betray you, and hurt you in order to make himself feel better!

If he wants to stay married, and you are willing to give him the time, we would suggest that the two of you start from ground zero.  The very first thing he’d have to do is spend some time where his words and his actions MATCH proving to you that he is willing and able to be honest to you!  Frankly that is going to take some time, because for months now he has proven the opposite.  Let’s assume it would be equal–he needs to be HONEST with you for the same amount of time that he was DISHONEST with you, and then maybe you’d start to trust his honesty.

The second thing the two of you would need to do is to rebuild from scratch.  Right now, any foundation that was built has been destroyed.  Any affection that was built, before his betrayal and before you discovered it, has been completely wiped out!  So we would strongly encourage both of you to start over.  Do the quizzes and questionnaires on our site to learn about each other and get to know your Love Languages,  Personality Types, Love Kindlers, and Love Extinguishers.  Read up about What To Do After an Affair and follow those steps together.

If he is willing to spend a year or so showing you he can be honest, and if he is willing to spend a goodly amount of time like that rebuilding and showing consistent, loving behavior–acting like a married man and thinking of you and your needs–then we could see hope for this marriage.  We see no reason for you to rush right off and file for divorce, nor do we see a mandate to live together or live apart during this timeframe.  If you do feel more comfortable separating, it is conceivable you may want to file Legal Separation to protect yourself legally.

Thanks for writing to us and let us know how you’re doing!

Faithfully,

 

Cindy and David.

 

 

 

Recovering After an Affair: Mutual United Understanding [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile. WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???


In this week’s episode we continue our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair, and we discuss a new compact that you are going to make with your spouse.  From this day forward, you will discipline YOURSELF to not do anything unless you and your spouse have a M.U.U. “A what?”  A Mutual United Understanding.

If you’d like to learn about M.U.U in more detail, our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity.

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/MUU.mp3]

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Recovering After an Affair: Commitment [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile. WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???

Today we continue the final week of our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair. In today’s episode we discuss the first thing you truly need to understand to begin recovering–commitment.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPOg-Mj44og&feature=youtu.be]

The verse that Affaircare is built upon is all about commitment: “…Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the LORD your God with your own mouth…” – Deuteronomy 23:23

We believe that commitment is an intellectual exercise and not a feeling–just like love. It starts with a conscious decision you make. You decide to take a particular course of action over and against some other course of action because you are obligated. For example in the marriage commitment, you make a vow to choose a loving course of action toward your spouse for life.

Now usually you choose to marry someone because they make you happy. You are pursuing happiness and being with him or her makes you happy. The two paths of “happiness” and “being with them” seem to run parallel or are merged into one path! But what happens when the paths diverge and go in different directions?

Troubles occur when the commitment to happiness is prioritized above the commitment to the marriage. This is exactly the thing that often leads couples down the path to infidelity: when one partner is looking and looking for “what makes them happy” and their marriage is in a rut so it doesn’t “make them feel happy.” They allow their emotions to guide their decisions… “it FEELS good so I’m doing this…” rather than choosing to create happiness in their marriage or choosing to look for the happy things they do have within their marriage.

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. We will be focusing on Commitment and discussing what TRUE commitment is (we have it almost exactly backward), how to get the two paths of commitment to marriage and happiness to come back together again, and how to make PRO-active choices rather than RE-active decisions. To introduce our new program, we are reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!  Request more info about our new program HERE!!

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Commitment.mp3]

Recovering After an Affair: Pre-Reconcilliation [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile.  WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???

Today we begin the final week of our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair.  There are specific steps you can take to slowly, one-step upon the previous, build a whole new, healthy marriage.  There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

In today’s episode we discuss the things that need to be in place BEFORE you can even begin reconciling:

1) No Contact with the Affair Partner
2) Transparent Honesty
3) Agreement by BOTH spouses to work on yourself and the marriage.

Use the Sample No-Contact Letters that you can find here: https://affaircare.com/articles/sample-consequences-letters/

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/PreReconcilliation.mp3]

Steps to End an Affair: Consequences – Legal Separation [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve confronted your spouse, disclosed it to a trusted mentor, and exposed the affair. You’ve dangled the tempting carrot and applied the stick….NOW what should you do?

Today we are finishing the Steps to End an Affair portion of our Basic Concepts. There are specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe your spouse may be unfaithful. There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmDMmbU5TJg&feature=youtu.be]

In today’s episode we discuss the Consequences Phase and the last option: Legal Separation. Use the Sample Consequences Letters that you can find here: https://affaircare.com/articles/sample-consequences-letters/ and end all contact with your disloyal spouse as long as they continue their affair. Let them have a good taste of what the cost of divorce will be and what it will be like to not have you in their life. Also, don’t give them the opportunity to blame you for their own choices and thus deflect responsibility. If they STILL harden their heart and will not end the affair, the best you can do is protect the marital assets and the marital home legally and try to wait it out. Make sure that a court of law enforces things like supporting the children and visitation and custody so that you are not “the bad guy.” There’s still hope, and time is on your side if you can be patient.

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Consequences-LegalSeparation.mp4]

Steps to End an Affair: Confront-Disclose-Expose [Podcast]

Things have not been right between you and your spouse and your gut instinct is that something is going on . You gathered evidence that proves to you that there is an affair… What should you do?

Today we are continuing the new portion of our Basic Concepts: Steps to End an Affair. There are specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe your spouse may be unfaithful. There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

After gathering evidence, it’s time to confront your spouse and get the help you need by refusing to keep their affair a secret.

In today’s episode we discuss the next three steps: Confront-Disclose-Expose. Using Matthew 18: 15-17 as our guide, we discuss Confronting your spouse directly, letting them know that you know, and asking them point blank to stop the affair. If they refuse, we explain about Disclosing the affair to one or two trusted mentors in your spouse’s life who will tell them to stop committing adultery and return to their marriage! If they still harden their heart and will not stop the affair, the next step to kill the affair is to Expose it to those who will be affected if there is a divorce: your family, your spouse’s family, your employer and if it’s a work affair, your spouse’s employer, your pastor or minister, your life-long friends and your spouse’s life-long friends.

Exposure is one of the most misunderstood steps in ending an affair, and yet it is one of the strongest steps you can take, so give your marriage the best chance of survival and listen in!

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Confront-Disclose-Expose.mp4]

Steps to End an Affair: Gather Evidence [Podcast]

You’ve suspected for a while that something is not right between you and your spouse. Whatever the reasons, you had a sneaking suspicion that they may be having an affair… What should you do?

Today we are starting a new portion of our Basic Concepts: Steps to End an Affair. There are specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe your spouse may be unfaithful. There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

In today’s episode we discuss the first step: Gathering Evidence. After all you want to know the truth, no matter what that may be, so you can face it head on. You want to know if you’re just acting jealously or if there really is something going on! And in this episode we discuss both high-tech and low-tech options for investigating and finding out the truth!

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Gather-Evidence.mp4]