Tag Archives: Jay Adams


I read a post today over at the Institute for Nouthetic Counseling blog, entitled “Why?”  (the author is Dr. Jay Adams) that inspired me to write this post.  This is one question we hear SO OFTEN at AffairCare!  “Why!!!!???”

“Why did my spouse have an affair?”

“Why don’t they love me anymore?”

“Why did this happen to me?”

“Why did God let this happen?”

Usually when people ask this question, like Dr. Adams says…they aren’t really looking for an answer but instead they feel sad or depressed, want to complain, and for the most part want to blame someone or something else for what’s going on in their lives.  But believe it or not, there really are ANSWERS to these questions, especially if you are a believing Christian!

“Why did my spouse have an affair?”–Spouses have affairs for one simple reason: by nature we are sinful (Romans 3:23).  That is to say, until we are regenerated by God’s salvation, in our natural state, we are slaves to sin and death.  So  it is our nature to do sinful things, sinful things feel natural or comfortable, and sinful things are easy and “feel good”.  Sometimes even when a person is saved, they will succumb and slip back into the old sinful habits because obeying God can feel uncomfortable or be difficult.  So your spouse had an affair because they are human.

“Why don’t they love me anymore?”–This is actually a two-pronged answer. If you’ve looked at our Basic Concepts, you’ll understand that on one hand it has to do with a gradual increase of Love Extinguishers putting out the flame of love, and a gradual decrease of Love Kindlers that make the flame of love blaze!  But that’s really only one part of it.  The other part is that they have made a decision.  Contrary to the way it’s portraited in our culture, Love is not a feeling that swoops over you and is uncontrollable. Love is a CHOICE to act in a loving way and expend time, energy and thought for that person (I Cor. 13:4-8).  Thus, they have CHOSEN to put their time, energy and thoughts into that Other Person..and if they put that same amount of time, energy and thought into you (and upholding their vow)…Love could be rebuilt.

“Why did this happen to me?”–Again, a two-pronged answer.  If you are not a Christian, saved by grace, then it happened because human beings are naturally sinful and sinning hurts us (Eph 2:1).  Oh yeah, we think “It feels good,” and that momentary rush of Affair Adrenalin may temporarily feel good!  But in the long run…sinning hurts us.  It harms children, destroys families, devastates grandparents and aunts and uncles…ruins finances…breeds unhappiness and sorrow!!  On the other hand, if you are a Christian, saved by grace, then it happened for one reason: God promised you He would continue to do His good work in you until you were completed (Phil 1:6).  Apparently in God’s providence He has decided you needed this problem in order to grow more intimate with Him and become more like Him.  It is an opportunity to become the man or woman God intends for you to be.

“Why did God let this happen?”–I’ll quote Dr. Adams here (he says it perfectly):  “What happened …  was an act of God’s providence. You know He’s actively at work in this world.  And what He does for His children is always for their good (Romans 8:28).  Even though we don’t know what He’s up to (by ordaining this painful situation), nevertheless, we can be sure of several things since you are a Christian:  God is in the problem–God is up to something in the problem–God is up to something good.  GOD IS INVOLVED IN WHAT IS HAPPENING, BRINGING ABOUT GOOD IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, IN HIS TIME!!”

  • Why do Bad Things Happen? (mindrenewers.com)
  • Breaking Vows…it’s not always just the one (thewaywardhusband.wordpress.com)

Top Ten Marriage Sites to help your Christian marriage grow

Obviously we think our own site is the bomb.  We specifically help people keep their marriage affair-free, or if there is an affair, to recover after the affair.  We do help anyone who comes and asks for it, but we do primarily focus on Christians and we definitely have a nouthetic approach.

Thus, this list is very focused on Christian marriage and that’s because we do believe that to REALLY recover after infidelity, a person has to turn their life over to God.  The priority isn’t the marriage but rather doing what pleases God.  Thus we are in the trenches with several other folks in our industry who are  helping couples build stronger, healthier, more loving, godly marriages.  We want to toot their horns!

#10 Christian Nymphos – Don’t let the name throw you (although is sort-of threw me at first)!  I like this site because they identify first as Christian women who belong to God and have a saving faith in Christ‘s work.  Then they go on to say that they “… submit all of (their) sexual desires to His authority so that (their) expressions of passion with (their) husbands are healthy and appropriate.”  The mission to teach Christian women how to spice it up in a godly way is right on the mark.  Thanks Nymphos!

#9 Trench Diggers – This group is the brainchild of my dear friend, Courtnee Scott.  She wants to put together a directory of REAL help for REAL people…Christians who are willing to jump in the trenches with you and address the real issues that we so often “pretend” are not part of The Church.  Rather than turning a blind eye, let’s help our brothers and sisters out of the trenches.

*8 Generous Wife/Generous Husband – I have made these two one entry because Generous Wife writes from the lady’s point of view for other ladies…and Generous Husband for the men!  But the ministry and encouragement is very similar–namely to help women learn to be better wives and lovers and to help men learn to be better husbands and romancers!

#7 The Hero’s Spouse–MLC Marriage Advocate – I have not been working with Kenda Ruth very long, but I am SO impressed with the little community she has.  Yes it’s true she takes an approach that is more into the psychology (whereas we focus on nouthetic help) but learning all you can about what happens and why can be VERY helpful to both the person having the MLC and the spouse who’s standing for their marriage.  Thank you for this great site!

#6 Intimacy in Marriage – One of the biggest issues I hear, over and over again, is one spouse that says, “Well we’re married now and I am not that interested in sex, so you’re cut off and I expect you to stay faithful to me”  Thankfully we have Julie to speak plainly and openly and help couples come into a more godly view of what sex IS (it is intimacy shared in many ways, not just physically) and IS NOT  (it is not just for *your* pleasure…but your spouse’s!).  Thank you Julie for speaking the truth in a very biblical way.

#5 Black and Married with Kids – What can I say about Lamar and Ronnie Tyler?  First, they are a normal couple just like you or I or anyone else–but second, they make the effort to paint marriage in a POSITIVE light.  Their site is updated daily and addresses the special issues faced by black couples, specifically the positives of being a man, father and husband.  They are a DYNAMO of positive PR for marriage and they are the founders of #MarriageChat on Twitter, every Wednesday night at 9pm ET (6pm PT).  Join us and you’ll see…this week’s topic is “Infidelity!”

#4 Romantic Vineyard–Okay I admit it.  I am utterly in love with the romance of how this site is set up–I mean seriously!  It’s like a walk through a vineyard!  But even beyond that wonderfully inventive ambiance, this site has sound, biblical advice for both men and women and is written in a gentle, loving voice that stays true.  This day and age, that is unusual and so I pick them fourth on my list.

#3 Stupendous Marriage–Again, I have to admit I have a soft spot in my heart for Stu and Lisa, for back in the day, when I was first getting Affaircare off the ground, I got to know them on Facebook and Twitter and they’ve been mentors ever since.  Stu started with “The Marry Blogger” and told his story, gradually, and over time introduced his Beautiful Wife ™ to us all.   Now the two of them have joined forced to bring this ministry even further, and it is a personal but modest way of addressing the damage that porn can create in a marriage…but the encouraging part is that they tell you how to stop.  So catch their show–listen to the podcasts–read the blogs–sift through the resources–and get real help from someone who has “been there, done that” and offers compassionate, godly help for your marriage!

My top two sites for helping your Christian marriage are sort of hard to describe, mainly because neither site focuses only on Christian marriage, but rather both sites focus on Biblically correct admonition FIRST and on renewing our minds which then results in pleasing God and a better marriage.  So while the sites are my number two and number one TOP sites for helping Christian marriages…the better marriages that you’ll find here are a result of reading God’s Word and obeying Him–sort of a by-product, if you will!  So without further adieu:

#2 IBCD “How to Love Your Spouse”–IBCD stands for The Institute for Biblical Counseling & Discipleship and they specifically train people to become Nouthetic Counselors.  The thrust of what is taught is not a particular denominational doctrine, but rather it is focused 100% on Scripture.  What does the SCRIPTURE say?  Not on science…not on admired preachers/teachers…not on worldly wisdom…but purely what does the BIBLE say?  The training for Nouthetic Counseling does include many common counseling issues, but the specific ‘marriage’ area includes topics like “How do I change my husband/wife?”, the Biblical directive for marriage, solving common marital problems (like conflict resolution), and sex!  The reason this is my number two site is that always, Always, ALWAYS the focus is on the Bible and what God says.  So check out their whole site but listen to the MP3’s on marriage!

#1 Institute for Nouthetic Studies blog (by Jay Adams)–Dr. Adams is the man commonly credited with “founding” Nouthetic Counseling.  Of course, we know that God is the actual founder, since He is the one who wrote the Bible and is the Great Counselor, and yet Dr. Adams is the one who coined the phrase.  And over the course of the years, Dr. Adams has written numerous books that ultimately point us to the best way to help your Christian marriage: namely to let GOD do the work and let GOD do the changing!  We are all sinners, and guess what?  Your spouse is too!  And whilst we may observe how this “issue” or that “problem” has certain commonalities, in the end our job as a counselor is to point the person to what the Bible tells them to do, give them the tools to struggle with it, and let the Holy Spirit actually do His work in them.  It’s not us and not necessarily “medication” that will cure someone by transforming them, but the Holy Spirit!  So take it from Dr. Adams…help your Christian marriage by turning to the Bible for “admonishing, correction and instruction.”


Here’s the Affaircare “Hot Marriage Site” award!


…and here’s the coding if you want to put it on your site:

<a border=”0″ href=”http://affaircare.com/&#8221; target=”_blank”><img src=”http://i253.photobucket.com/albums/hh76/FaithfulWifeCJ/affaircare/kewl_flame_heart-1-1.jpg&#8221; /></a>

  • 7 Characteristics for Christian Marriage (adamrumball.com)
  • For Better or for Worse: The Real Christian View of Marriage (unqualifiedreflecting.wordpress.com)
  • Separate the Sacrament of Marriage from the State? (traditionalchristianity.wordpress.com)