Tag Archives: Emotional affair

How Internet Affairs Begin

 

How Internet Affairs Begin

Think of the love in a marriage as a campfire. There are actions that can be done to stoke the fire and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers. There are actions that can be done that are like putting water on a fire–some are like dribbles out of a holey bucket, and some are like dumping a big old bucket of water on the fire. Those are Love Extinguishers. When two people first met there were no Love Extinguishers because they put forth their best image and the two were not sharing a home, bills, and chores yet. At the same time there were TONS of Love Kindlers. Think about it! People in love tend to spend a lot of time together; they talk to each other and get to know each other–and they actually stop and listen; they do fun things together like go bowling or take walks; they look good for each other and flirt…. See all those kindlers? And sure enough, the fire of love blazes and they get married.

Like all young couples they thought their love would “conquer all” and never even considered that one of them would cheat. Sure that happens to other people, but their marriage was different and special and it would never happen to them.

Then enter just a few Love Extinguishers.

The Loyal Spouse put the Disloyal Spouse through college so they could get ahead in life, and the Loyal Spouse always thought that his/her sacrifice would be paid back worth it “someday” when they were successful as a couple. Meanwhile, Disloyal Spouse worked and worked to climb the corporate ladder, thinking that he/she was “providing for the family” and doing it to get ahead. The Loyal Spouse began to be involved with their own college, work or activities and forgot to take time for Disloyal Spouse. In fact, when he/she did see Disloyal Spouse, he/she complained because Disloyal Spouse wasn’t helping out with the shared household chores. And Disloyal Spouse also forgot to make time for him/her and began working longer and longer hours at work. Sometimes they didn’t even see each other awake for DAYS…and when they did, one or the other of them had negative things to say. Maybe she’s not a great money manager (or the opposite, a controlling penny-pincher); when he’s home he’d rather sit in front of the TV or PC to veg out. They don’t talk anymore…and the Love Extinguishers are dribbling on the fire. Then more Love Extinguishers are added–kids are born and there’s even LESS time together; she gains some weight and he wear sweats; he yells at her about bills and she disrespects his job; he wants sex and she doesn’t feel connected to him so she resents it. The Love Extinguishers are getting to be less like a drip and more like a downpour.

Right about then…the Other Person will connect via “Classmates” or will make a friend request on Facebook.   An Internet Affair Partner is usually an old classmate from college, or an old romance from “way back when” — but via the internet people can also meet someone via the chat in a game, or in a chatroom. The Other Person has no Love Extinguishers because they are putting forth their best image. The Other Person is happy to hear from them–they send little love texts and poems, whereas the Loyal Spouse says “Can you stop and get some milk?”  The Other Person shares a common interest with the Disloyal Spouse, whether it’s the game they play together or memories of yesteryear, and probably spends hours a day enjoying them–whereas the Loyal Spouse is bored hearing about the mechanics of the game, has no idea how to play, and spends hardly any time with Disloyal Spouse. Pretty soon, the Disloyal Spouse starts talking to Other Person about a fight that s/he had with the Loyal Spouse the night before…and Other Person is understanding and takes their side. Soon, they are talking like teenagers at lunch–phoning each other on the cell phone “for work”–and emailing all night long. Part of the Disloyal Spouse is thrilled that someone else thinks they’re neat! They are happy…and a little love zing of amphetamine hits their brain. Then they flirt a little and the Other Person flirts back! And pretty soon after that, one of them mentions that they have feelings for the other … and that’s it. The decide they are “in love” and kiss.

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If you’d like this article and want to do more, here what you can do!

1) To know more about how affairs start and how they progress, check out our article “How Do Affairs Start?
2) If you need help or know a friend who’s marriage has been affected by an affair, you can Contact Us on our Contact page!
3) To learn how to LOVEveryday and make your marriage affair-free, click the title for a free download.
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Crucial Steps to Building Trust After an Affair

trust
1. NO contact with the Affair Partner. If you want to prove to your spouse that you are worthy of trust, then that means you need to discipline yourself to never, ever contact your affair partner EVER…not even hearing “how they’re doing.” Keep your focus on your spouse.

2. End Love Extinguishers. To build your spouse’s belief in your reliability, rather than focusing on what your spouse did…you agree to look at yourself and the ways that you contributed to the destruction of your marriage. Also you agree to do the work necessary to change yourself and stop doing the harmful actions.

3. Transparency. Increasing confidence in your honesty requires transparency which is being “see through”…you let your spouse see through to your real thoughts and feelings. In other words, you let them see the real you, warts and all, and stop trying to hide. You let them see what you do, who you’re with, where you are–and you tell them the truth rather than covering up “to keep them from being hurt.”

4. Mutual United Understanding. You can build belief in your trustworthiness by looking at each one of these three words and approaching your spouse with these attitudes. “Mutual” means that there are TWO of you in this relationship, not just you and not just your spouse; you need to RELATE. “United” means that the two of you are as one team–joined together for a common purpose. “Understanding” means both comprehending each other and sympathetic awareness of each others’ feelings.

5. Go to your spouse directly–spend time together. This is fairly obvious, actually. To rebuild belief in your credibility, you need to invest time with your spouse…do things together. If you do not have common interests or hobbies, start something new! But invest your time, energy and money building love with your spouse.

6. Re-start Love Kindlers. After an affair, one way to begin rebuilding trust with your spouse is to once again begin the “the little things” that show a person you love them. Love is an ACTION–not a feeling–so do act in a way that is loving and caring for your spouse.

7. Find one accountability mentor, make amends. The final step you can take to initiate hope and convince your spouse you are worthy of their trust is to pursue it…want it! Show your ability to deliver on your promises by finding someone who will hold you accountable. Admit what you did; name it for what it was; and where possible, repair the damage your choices have made.

If you want to know more, you can read and sign up for the Affaircare Newsletter!  For more in-depth information you can read our article: “Coming Out of an Affair” or read our series “How to Rebuild After an Affair

What NOT to do if your spouse is cheating

 

When you first find out that your spouse is cheating, it can be very devastating.  Usually in those first few days or weeks, the Loyal Spouse is tempted to do things that are not necessarily in their character, such as scream, fight with the Other Person, or take revenge.  But if you want to save your marriage, here are several things you should NOT do when you find out your spouse has been unfaithful:

 

1. Don’t pretend it isn’t happening.   Yes you’ve known in your gut for a long time that something was wrong,  and now you have a small bit of evidence or you’ve seen it with your own eyes.  Don’t go into denial.  Don’t pretend that spending hours on the cell phone is “normal” or that co-workers need to send each other thousands of emails every week.  Face the truth: your spouse is being unfaithful.

2. Don’t confront without proof.  So you got a small piece of evidence that certainly looks suspicious but doesn’t really conclusively prove anything.  If you confront with that one little piece of evidence, your spouse will try to “explain that away” or blame you, and then will be tipped off that you know about their affair and take it deeper into hiding.  Instead, wait.  Gather not just one suspicious piece but several confirming pieces from several different sources.  Get emails, IM chat logs, phone itemization and credit card statements that ALL confirm there is a lie.

3. Don’t drink or do drugs.   You’ve got all the proof.  You’re spouse is cheating.  The pain is horrific and unending, and the temptation to go numb by getting drunk or getting high is all too intense.  The only problem is that easing the pain with alcohol or drugs does not address the issue of infidelity, and it doesn’t make it go away.  When the effects of the alcohol or the drugs go away, the adultery will still be there.  Not only that, but you are bound to make poor decisions because you’re not thinking clearly!  Your mind is altered.  So I completely understand….it’s tempting…but don’t  go there.  Face it–stone cold sober.

4. Don’t beg.  When you first have the proof that your spouse is unfaithful, there is a temptation to beg them to stay, to bet them to love you, and to beg them to not divorce.  After all, you are clear-headed enough to understand the amount of pain they are inflicting on you and the amount of damage they are about to do to the family; whereas their thinking seems completely unaware of anyone but themselves!  Although begging seems to make sense at first, it’s actually counter-productive because by the time infidelity has reared its ugly head, the Disloyal Spouse is no longer caring about the hurt to the Loyal Spouse or even the hurt to their children.  Begging will come across as weak and unattractive, and if anything it will have the opposite from the desired effect.

5. Don’t promise you’ll change.  This is very similar to #4 above, “Don’t beg.”  At first,it may seem to make sense that if you promise your Disloyal Spouse that you’ll change, they’ll want to stay and “go back to the way it was.”  But in real life, to the Disloyal Spouse it will come across like too little, too late.  They’ll think “I  asked you for change before and you didn’t back then, so you probably won’t now either.”  So if you have things about yourself that you know you should work on, work on them but don’t promise you’ll change.  Just BE different and let them see the changes in your actions.

6. Don’t rage.  No one wants to be screamed at for hours, even if they have committed adultery.  No one wants a partner in their life who will become violent.  Punching out the Other Person doesn’t suddenly make you look desirable and make them look unattractive.  So if you are angry–and it’s natural to feel angry–find a healthy way to express the anger–maybe with a friend or family member.  Raging will just lead to domestic violence or assault charges, police involvement, and consequences like being forced out of your own home -AND- the adultery will not be stopped.

7. Don’t have a revenge affair.  Finding out that your spouse was unfaithful can send your self-esteem plunging, and in an angry state of mind you may want to rebuild your self-worth by going out and having a one-night-stand to prove your desirability.  Trust me on this one…don’t.  Adding another affair to a marriage that is already in dire trouble does NOT make the situation better.  Going against your own moral code will just make things worse, and you will not feel better about yourself.  Instead, focus on doing what you know is right, and that will build your self-worth.

Now that you know the seven things to NOT do if your spouse is cheating, what DO YOU DO?  I recommend you take a look around on our site,  read our articles such as “ Seven Steps You Can Take to End an Affair,”  or contact us via or Contact Page to set up email, mentoring or an appointment!

Just friends? Or an emotional affair?

 It may begin innocently as a friendship. It may also be called an affair of the heart.  But an emotional affair can be defined as:

“A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage.”

How can you tell when it’s crossed the line from friendship into infidelity?  Here are ten easy questions to help you decide:

1. Do you hide your not-so-good side from your “friend” or do they see you stressed, grouchy, silly, frumpy and sick?

2. Do you daydream and fantasize about your “friend” a lot?

3. Do you hope you might catch your “friend” if your out socially, or do you keep wanting to see your “friend” when you’re with your partner?

4. Does your partner support your friendship with your “friend”?

5. Does your partner know about your “friend” and know when you are actually catching up with your “friend”?

6. Are there more things that your partner intimately knows about you that your “friend” doesn’t know of?

7. Do you share details of your relationship–especially its troubles–with your “friend”?

8. Would you effortlessly set your “friend” up with one of your other friends?

9. Do you smile when you think about your “friend” getting married…to someone else?

10. You love your “friend” and you can do anything for them, but one thing you cannot do.. you cannot imagine having sex with them! At the very least, if you close your eyes and imagine having sex with your “friend”…you don’t get turned on–you laugh!

If you’re still confused, Dr. Shirley Glass developed a little quiz  to help you determine if it’s really just platonic of if it has become an emotional affair.     Click here to take the Slippery Slope Quiz

This is post is part of the Ultimate Blog Challenge!

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And on Wednesdays I also join these Godly Link-ups:

The 6 Common Kinds of Affairs

There really is only one “kind” of affair.   All affairs involve disloyal spouses disobeying God.  Exodus 20:14 is very clear “You shall not commit adultery,” and thus if we do commit adultery, we are disobeying.   All affairs involve people who have stumbled somewhere and don’t have a godly marriage.  Sometimes it’s only one spouse that has messed up, but more-often-than-not, both parties have failed to follow God’s plan for a marriage that mirrors His relationship with His Bride, the Church.  That means that although affairs occur for numerous reasons and in myriad ways…really there is just one type, and it’s pretty rough to hear: it’s the sinful affair!   To save your marriage and recover after an affair, what REALLY needs to happen is for both spouses to recognize that ” …all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23) and as a response, both spouses should “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord” (Acts 3:19).   If you’re asking: “… what must I do to be saved?’ let me reply: “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved —you and your household.”  (Acts 16:30-31).   The transformative power of God in those who are His children is the only thing that can TRULY save a marriage, so to have a deep, real recovery where both partners change, you need to be a Christian.

All that being said, there are some fairly common reasons that people give for having their affair, and identifying the type of affair may help you figure out how to help your marriage and what areas you should address first.  So let’s take a look at the most common kinds of affairs

The “Soulmates” Affair — This is probably the most common kind of affair.  The Disloyal Spouse and the Other Person found they had much in common — a similar outlook on life, compatibility, completeness: emotionally, sexually, intellectually, spiritually. This affair is definitely an Emotional Affair, and sometimes they stop there and don’t go any further.

The Mid-marriage/Mid-life Affair — This kind of affair is very, VERY common!  In this type of affair, the couple has been married for 7-10 years and they have become a little bit complacent and/or they are reaching certain milestone ages (such as menopause).  This is a somewhat typical affair where the older man buys a corvette and gets a 25yo mistress…or the more mature woman starts wearing mini-skirts, going to raves, and gets a tattoo.   This affair is usually a Physical Affair, but not due to connecting with the Other Person–it’s mostly just to prove he’s still a stud, or she’s still a vixen.

The “Personal Issues” affair — This affair is actually pretty common, but it’s fairly hard to describe.  I, personally, call it the “Time Bomb” affair, because inside the Disloyal Spouse there is some trauma or event that affected them SO PROFOUNDLY that when they hit a reminder of that event, their personal issues engage and they just completely change!  Maybe it’s when they hit the same age as the age at which their dad died…or maybe it’s the death of a parent or sibling.  This affair could be an Emotional Affair and/or a Physical Affair.

The Denial Affair — This affair is also pretty common but not quite as common as the previous type.  In this affair, one party may be available and the other is not…and both parties continue to deny that it IS an affair, even though it clearly has gone beyond the bounds of appropriate behavior.   A typical example of this affair would be a brother and married sister who think it’s “not an affair” to flirt and tease erotically because being siblings is “safe.”

The Lust Affair — This affair is just like it sounds.  The Disloyal has no desire to leave their spouse but succumbs to their sexual desire for someone else.  It’s mostly about sex.  It can feel really intense and passionate, but it’s also the quickest to flame out.  This affair is usually all Physical Affair with very little Emotional Affair connection.

The Exit/Revenge Affair — This affair is actually very common also but it ist an affair that RARELY results in saving the marriage.  This affair is the result of deep anger and resentment, feeling unaffirmed and disregarded, or being abused.  Often this is a marriage that is dead already and the Disloyal doesn’t have the courage to end it.  They have no feelings for their spouse other than rage, want to get away from their spouse, and choose to have an affair as one final act to kill the marriage.

Want to find out more about each kind of affair?  Want to hear what the Disloyals typically say?  How they probably met their Affair Partner?  And what you can do to most effectively combat this kind of affair?    Read our new article: “The Six Common Kinds of Affairs…in depth” !

Post your questions here!

We have a new service here at Affaircare–think of it as a benefit we offer freely for any of our loyal readers/friends/clients!  Post your questions here or on our Affaircare Facebook page or email us at either affaircare@gmail.com and if you give us your email address, we’ll send you a personal answer on Fridays!


So if you have any of these questions…let us know!


“How do we survive an affair?”
“How do I end the affair I’m in?”
“What can I do to end my spouse’s affair?”
“How do you get over an emotional affair?”
“What are some signs of an affair?”
“He/She does this or that?  Could that be an affair?”
“How do I forgive him/her after having an affair?”
“Can pastors have affairs?”
“What is an emotional affair?  Is THIS an emotional affair?”
“Why do women/men cheat?”


So leave a comment with your email address and your question–and on Fridays we’ll email you with your personal response.