Category Archives: marriage

Ask Affaircare: Should I Stay or Go? Can God Restore This Marriage?

AskAffaircare

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


Our question today comes two Loyal Spouses who essentially ask the same question.  Stay or Go wrote:

My man is cheating on me. I have caught him more than once but he continues to do it. Do I stay or do I go now?

and Can God Restore This Marriage wrote:

…so my husband has had several affairs over our 18-year relationship. I found out about them all at once we started going to counseling with our pastor and his wife. during that time he began cheating again. I just found out and while my pastor believes that god can restore this marriage I wonder if we have messed this up so bad. at first I was feeling like I cannot deal with this at all so I will just pretend to not know and move on. It’s been a few days and now I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust him again!

First, we have to say that when we answered “Ask Affaircare” last week, it was just a wee bit long.  This week we will endeavor to keep it shorter!

Dear Stay or Go and Can God Restore This,

We aren’t going to tell you what to do–you two are both adults and personally responsible for your choices. If you choose to stay, do so because you have made a decision to stand firm and then stand firm. If you choose to go, do so because the natural consequence of adultery is breaking the marriage covenant. Thus, if the adulterer BROKE it, they would have to be the one to REPAIR IT by coming to themselves and truly repenting. If they don’t, then divorcing is just one of the natural consequences of the choice that they made to break the marriage covenant.

In the end, the decision is yours and you will reap both the benefits and pay the costs of whatever you choose.  EVERY choice–every decision–has both a benefit and a cost, and usually people make their choices because ‘the perceived benefit’ is more valuable than ‘the perceived cost.’  Now we all know that people are sinful and that the qualities that sinful people value are not the qualities that bring glory and honor to God!  Thus, a selfish person may “value” the ego-boosting flattery of opposite sex attention over the godly commitment to the spouse of their youth.

So since we are not going to tell you what to decide, how about if we look at what the Bible tells us and help you to figure out how to make your own decision?

1.  What are you committed to?  Many people place a commitment to their own happiness ahead of their commitment to their spouse.  Many people put their commitment to ease ahead of the covenant they made before God to put the effort into loving their spouse!

So one way you can decide whether to Stay or Go…is to consider “What are YOU committed to?” Honoring your promise?  -OR- Your own happiness?

2. What did Jesus say about Divorce?  Well…let’s look! Matthew 19:8-9: Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.   I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

So straight from Jesus’ mouth, He says you CAN divorce for sexual immorality–that is to say, you are ‘allowed’–but notice that He doesn’t say you MUST.  It’s not a commandment. So if you don’t want to divorce after your spouse is unfaithful, God doesn’t require it of us, but He does allow divorce for that one exception: sexual immorality.

3. Obviously God CAN restore–He has the ability to do anything.  He is God!  He can choose to suspend the law of gravity or choose to make the sun stand still if He wills!  So the question is not “CAN God restore this marriage?” but rather “Will He? Is it His will?”  One of the best suggestions we can give you to decide what IS and IS NOT God’s will is to read the Bible.  The more you read the Bible, the more you have the opportunity to get to know God’s mind.  The more you know God mind, the easier it is to determine if something is God’s will or not!

4.  What about forgiveness?  Many times people think that “forgiveness” means “forgetting” or “approving” — and nothing could be further from the truth.  We are never, ever told to approve of known sin, nor to just forget about it as if it never happened.  What ARE we told about forgiveness then?  Well let’s look at Luke 17:3-4 “So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”

But what if they don’t “come to themselves” or repent (meaning, act and think 180 differently and stop their sin)?  Do we have to forgive then? It doesn’t say we MUST–but it also doesn’t say we can’t! So we are allowed to forgive even if they don’t ask!

So we are still not going to tell you what to decide.  Instead we pray that this look at what the Bible tells us has helped you to figure out how to make your own decision.  We would also like to invite you to come back on Friday to listen to the podcast–either on the Affaircare YouTube channel, on iTunes or Stitcher, or here on the blog–because we’ll be going into even more detail on how to decide if you should stay…or you should go.

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Top 8 Affaircare Topics: #1 All of the Signs Your Spouse May Be Cheating Part Two [Podcast]

I just found out my spouse is cheating-what do I do? How do I do ‘no contact’ when we have children? My spouse was unfaithful and there’s going to be a child! Before you cheat here are some things you should know.

In this week’s episode, we begin the conclusion of our new our series “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.” We’ve been doing a countdown from #8 to #1, and today we are at THE most popular topic on our blog: “All of the Signs Your Spouse May Be Cheating.” This article is so long and has so much information in it, that I decided to divide it into two parts: Part One (today’s video) is all about the first 6 categories of signs of infidelity. Next week’s final video will be about the final categories of the signs of cheating.

URL’s in this podcast:

ALL of the Signs Your Spouse May be Cheating:
https://affaircare.com/articles/all-of-the-signs-your-spouse-may-be-cheating/

Please join us next week for our a new series! Aren’t you curious?

[audio:  https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Top+8+-+%231+All+the+Signs+Pt+2.mp3]

Top 8 Affaircare Topics: #1 All of the Signs Your Spouse May Be Cheating Part One [Podcast]

I just found out my spouse is cheating-what do I do? How do I do ‘no contact’ when we have children? My spouse was unfaithful and there’s going to be a child! Before you cheat here are some things you should know.

In this week’s episode, we begin the conclusion of our new our series “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.” We’ve been doing a countdown from #8 to #1, and today we are at THE most popular topic on our blog: “All of the Signs Your Spouse May Be Cheating.” This article is so long and has so much information in it, that I decided to divide it into two parts: Part One (today’s video) is all about the first 6 categories of signs of infidelity. Next week’s final video will be about the final categories of the signs of cheating.

URL’s in this podcast:

ALL of the Signs Your Spouse May be Cheating:
https://affaircare.com/articles/all-of-the-signs-your-spouse-may-be-cheating/

High Tech ways to discover if your spouse is cheating:
https://affaircare.com/2012/11/04/high-tech-ways-to-discover-if-your-spouse-is-cheating/

Low tech ways to check if your spouse is cheating:
https://affaircare.com/2012/11/01/low-tech-ways-to-check-if-your-spouse-is-cheating/

Please join us next week for Part Two–the conclusion of our most popular blog by reviewing the final categories of ALL the signs of a cheating spouse! In May we will begin a new series! Aren’t you curious?

[audio:  https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Top+8+-+%231+All+the+Signs+Pt+1.mp3]

Top 8 Affaircare Topics: #2 Understanding Your Loyal Spouse Part Two [Podcast]

I just found out my spouse is cheating-what do I do? How do I do ‘no contact’ when we have children? My spouse was unfaithful and there’s going to be a child! Before you cheat here are some things you should know.

In this week’s episode, we continue our new our series  “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.” We’re doing a countdown from #8 to #1, and today we are at the second most popular topic on our blog: “Understanding Your Loyal Spouse.”  This article is so long and has so much information in it, that I divided it into two parts: Part One was all about the Section 1–The Wild Patchwork of Emotions (last week).  This week’s video is all about Section Two–What Else Can You do to Ease Their Pain and Stress? and Section Three–What Are The Next Stages?

URL’s in this podcast:

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse:
https://affaircare.com/articles/understanding-your-loyal-spouse/

Please join us next week when I conclude our series of the Top 8 Most Popular  articles on Affaircare and we hit the #1 topic!!

[audio:  https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Top+8+-+%232+Understanding+Your+Loyal+Spouse+Pt1.mp3]

Top 8 Affaircare Topics: #4 Bible Verses to Save Your Marriage After an Affair [Podcast]

I just found out my spouse is cheating-what do I do? How do I do ‘no contact’ when we have children? My spouse was unfaithful and there’s going to be a child! Before you cheat here are some things you should know.

In this week’s episode, we continue our new our series  “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.” We’re doing a countdown from 8 to 1, and today we are at number 4: Bible Verses to Save Your Marriage After an Affair

Verses in this podcast:

Romans 6:23
Romans 10:4
John 3:16
Romans 10:9-10

Matthew 19:26
Mark 10:6-9
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
1 Corinthians 10:13
Galatians 6:9
Ephesians 4:15
Ephesians 4:32
Philippians 4:13
Hebrews 10:24
Hebrews 13:4
James 1:19
2 Peter 3:9
1 John 4:7-8

I Samuel 25 – Abigail
The Book of Hosea

If you’d like to learn more about Affaircare join us next week when we’ll continue our 8-week series on “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.”

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Top+8+-+%234+Bible+verses+to+Save+Your+Marriage.mp3]

Top 8 Affaircare Topics: #6 The Purpose of No Contact & No Contact Letters [Podcast]

I just found out my spouse is cheating-what do I do? How do I do ‘no contact’ when we have children? My spouse was unfaithful and there’s going to be a child! Before you cheat here are some things you should know.

In this week’s episode, we continue our new our series  “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.” We’re doing a countdown from 8 to 1, and today we are at number 6: it’s a tie between “The Purpose of No Contact” and “Sample No Contact Letters.”

Articles in this podcast:
The Purpose of No Contact
https://affaircare.com/articles/the-purpose-of-no-contact/

Sample No Contact Letters
https://affaircare.com/articles/sample-no-contact-letters/

If you’d like to learn more about Affaircare join us next week when we’ll continue our 8-week series on “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.”

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Top+8+Topics+%236-Purpose+of+No+Contact+%26+No+Contact+Letters.mp3]

Top 8 Affaircare Topics: #7 “Exposure” & “Sample Consequences Letter” [Podcast]

I just found out my spouse is cheating-what do I do? How do I do ‘no contact’ when we have children? My spouse was unfaithful and there’s going to be a child! Before you cheat here are some things you should know.

In this week’s episode, we continue our new our series  “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.” We’re doing a countdown from 8 to 1, and today we are at number 7: it’s a tie between “Exposure” and “Sample Consequences Letter.”

Articles in this podcast:
The Difference Between Exposure and Revenge –
https://affaircare.com/articles/the-difference-between-exposure-and-revenge/

Exposure vs. Revenge –
http://affaircare.com/2013/05/16/exposure-vs-revenge/

Sample Consequences Letters –
https://affaircare.com/articles/sample-consequences-letters

If you’d like to learn more about Affaircare join us next week when we’ll continue our 8-week series on “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.”

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/8+Top+Topics+%237-Exposure+%26+Consequences+Letter.mp3]

Help Your Kids Survive an Affair #4 – God Can Heal Broken Hearts [Podcast]

How do you help your kids when your spouse is having an affair?  What is the ideal? What do kids need? What are some common pitfalls that parents make? And how can God heal broken hearts–yours and theirs?

In this week’s episode, we conclude our series “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair” by discussing how God can heal broken hearts.

Verses Used in this podcast:

Proverbs 12:22Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.”

Job 27:4 “My lips certainly will not speak unjustly, Nor will my tongue mutter deceit.

Proverbs 1:8-9  “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.

Proverbs 12:18  “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Psalm 34:18  “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Hebrews 10:25  “Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Proverbs 22:6Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Ephesians 6:1-4Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

If you’d like to learn more about Affaircare join us next week when we’ll be starting an 8 week series on “The Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.”

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Help+Kids+4-Heal+Broken+Hearts.mp3]

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Help Your Kids Survive an Affair #3 – Common Pitfalls

How do you help your kids when your spouse is having an affair?  What is the ideal? What do kids need? What are some common pitfalls that parents make? And how can God heal broken hearts–yours and theirs?

In this week’s episode, we continue our series “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair” by examining examining some common pitfalls that parents make when their is a major crisis in the family. There are nine common mistakes that parents make when their children are struggling, and we go over each downfall to identify the error and make more healthy suggestions.

  • Leaning on your children as if they were peers.
  • Loyal Spouse: Speaking badly of the other parent.
  • Disloyal Spouse: Thinking your kids “will be happy for you”
  • Not allowing your kids to express their feelings.
  • Not keeping your word–lying to them so they aren’t hurt.
  • Spoiling your child to “make up for it”
  • Not taking time for touch.
  • Setting unrealistic expectations.
  • Failing to pray for your children

If you’d like to learn more about “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair,” join us next week when we’ll be discussing how God can heal broken hearts.

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Help+Kids+3-Common+Pitfalls.mp3]

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Help Your Kids Survive an Affair #2 – What Kids Need to Do

How do you help your kids when your spouse is having an affair?  What is the ideal? What do kids need? What are some common pitfalls that parents make? And how can God heal broken hearts–yours and theirs?

In this week’s episode, we continue our series “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair” by examining what kids need to do in order to deal with a parent having an affair. There are five areas in which your children will be struggling, and we go over each one of the areas to describe what they need.

  • Understand what’s going on
  • Deal with losses
  • Deal with anger
  • Deal with guilt feelings
  • Accept the finality–it will never “be the way it was”

If you’d like to learn more about “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair,” join us next week when we’ll be discussing some common pitfalls that parents make when their is a major crisis in the family.

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Help+Kids+2+What+Kids+Need+to+Do.mp3]

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