Sample No Contact Letters

Dr. Harley’s (From SAA)

(OP),

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she’s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,

Disloyal Spouse

__________________________

Letter #2 (This is my favorite by far)

Dear Other Person,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and selfish. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to rebuild after all the hurt I’ve caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the  husband/wife that he/she deserves.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to both our marriage and our family, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish and do not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

Disloyal Spouse

_____________________________

Letter #3

Dear OP,

I am writing this letter for one reason only. All communication between you and me must come to an end immediately! If DH/DW and I are ever going to resolve our differences and re-establish the trust we once had, you and I cannot communicate with each other at all.

I realize now that I never should have considered trying to find <company name> products for you or even considered selling you my car.

It certainly isn’t anything personal, but I’m sure that you can understand DH/DW’s position on the issue and if you were in his/her shoes that you would feel exactly the same as s/he does.

I love him/her and s/he deserves a 100% effort from me to make our lives together as happy as possible.

I wish you well, and I will appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

Disloyal Spouse

________________________

Letter #4

To:
I have behaved in a selfish and inconsiderate way that has resulted in much pain to both of our families. I know that marital reconciliation with my husband is the right thing to do, but will never fully repay the heartache I have caused. I deeply care about him and want things to work out so we can have a family and realize all of our dreams together. To protect him, I have decided and been required to break off all contact with you. All things considered, I think it is best that our families break off all contact as well. This decision, this promise to not ever contact you in any way, direct or indirect, is for life. I am so sorry for what I have done to my and your family. I ask that you respect my promise and never seek to contact me. I will refuse any such attempts to contact me and notify Eric immediately.

I am trying to do the right thing and set my family and my life straight. I have been completely honest with my husband about everything. He knows everything. The selfish and inconsiderate damage that I have caused can never be fully repaired but breaking off all contact is the first step towards a rebuilding of trust. I hope that in time you can forgive me.

Sincerely,

Disloyal Spouse

________________________

Letter #5 (this is my least favorite as they will be working in the same company, but in that situation, this letter might work)

To:

I am sending this letter to confirm for you that I have reconciled with my <loyal spouse.>
To protect her, I have decided to break off all non-professional contact with you. This decision–not to contact you or interact with you in any way other than as required to maintain a polite professional relationship–is permanent and not subject to change. I ask that you respect my decision, and never seek to contact me, or interact with me in any way other than as required to maintain a civil professional relationship. I will refuse all efforts to initiate other than professional contact with me, and I will notify our supervisor <name> immediately of any contact between us, as I have been doing after each and every communication you have made thus far, and I will continue to alert our supervisor to any effort made to initiate additional interaction. I have been completely honest with both our supervisor and my spouse about everything that has transpired. This is essential to rebuild a trusting relationship between <loyal spouse> and I, and I have committed myself to doing so.

I hope that this letter makes clear my position.

Disloyal Spouse

________________________

Letter #6 from Talk About Marriage:

Dear [put name here],

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I’ve caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the husband/wife that he/she deserves.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

 

Disloyal Spouse

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28 thoughts on “Sample No Contact Letters

  1. What about when there is a love child? My husband will be in contact for visitation for with his son. The OW seems very resentful and is sending all kinds of nasty messages to my husband. He says that the affair ended 6 months before telling me but it seems to me that she would not be this reactive if she was not holding out hope for a future relationship with him. My husband does not seem to understand my point of view as he says that a closure letter would only anger her more and she would with hold visitation. I figure that she will be resentful either way but closure my help her get over it faster so H and I can figure out how to blend his son into our home. ANYWAY, how could we word a closure letter like that?

    1. Just like Elizabeth is there a sample (diplomatic) letter so help end communication with affair partner but one which would not hinder future relationship with the child? At the moment affair partner communicates under the pretext of updates of the child, husband sends monthly financial support but does not want communication with the mother’s child except for emergencies only. Is there a sample letter to delicately handle this matter?

      1. Hi Suz. It have not heard back from anyone with suggestions on how to handle a subject like this but here is a quick little over view of what happened in my personal life: The OW continued to be VERY resentful and my husband was like a beaten man. She would arbitrarily denied access with no excuse, or impose outlandish rules like he could only see his son if I wasn’t present, or in her house under her supervision, or return him for nap time and pick him up gain afterwards and outright refused over nights. This went on unchecked for approximately 8 months, and the while paying support plus care day expenses without proof of receipts. Oh the trying times that they were. Sometimes I look back on that I wonder how I was able to stick around but then remember while I wish he would have been even a little firm in regards to her as he was allowing her to walk allover us and come between bounding time with his son, he did go to extraordinary lengths to prove his comment to me and our family. We read a couple of Harvey’s books together and followed the program until it felt natural. Anyway, My H finally got advice from someone he would listen to that he needed to seek legal council and THANK GOD he did. The lawyer didn’t tell him anything that he didn’t hear from me or anyone else, but he heard it because it came from a personal. Knowing his rights gave him power and a back bone. He starting documenting everything, offered many times to sit down to discuss a new access agreement.

        How did I cope? At some point a person needs to retain their sanity… and I was starting to get close to loosing it… for real. It was exhausting trying to keep tabs on everything, be in the know about everything, control everything. Then it hit me (multiple times because this is a lesson that I had to relearn a couple time before I really got it) the only thing or person I can control is me. I can’t control him, or her, but I could and can control myself and how I choose to live in the world. I choose to stop driving myself crazy with stuff outside of myself. I told my husband during one of our intimate conversations that I needed him to take care of it in regards to access for his son and that I would just trust him to do it. It wasn’t easy to trust it to him, but it was impossible to continue the way I was and did he stepped up. I was shocked! He set firm limits and boundary’s, stuck to his guns, arranged visits, and understood if I wasn’t feeling emotionally up to going to every visit. His son and the OW lived 4 hours away so just being in the town was a huge trigger for a while. Having a happy healthy family life was important for the both of us and I know that while I love kids that of course his son could also be a trigger which is a reality that is soooo unfair to an innocent. To prevent this from happening I desensitized myself to him. I put pictures of him EVERY WHERE. Even at work which was my only sanctuary. I would study his picture. He looks a lot like his mom, but he also looks a lot like his Dad. While studying his picture I would pick of a figure that I liked or looks like his Dad. He has beautiful eyes, he has his dads ears, mouth and jaw. I look at him as he just his own person. He is “Johnny” not his mom. It got easier and easier to look at him in an approving light. My husband and I have a daughter together and her unconditional love towards him and his towards her went a long way for me to bridging the gap of excepting this little boy into our family and hearts – which he now firmly is. We eventually had to go to court to get a reasonable access agreement and things have calmed down a lot since then.

        Other methods I used to retain my sanity is be more self aware. That gave me a lot of power when I thought I had none. If being cheated on has ever happened to you you are wiser for it. You know how it feels to you if your relationship doesn’t feel strong, and when it does. While that is not indisputable proof that there is an affair going on at least you have an internal gauge to be sure when it isn’t. The only problem with testing your feelings for the answers is that sometimes… or a lot of the time you can re-experience old feelings as your though process is in the past. For this to work you have to be in the present. It feels good when you are, and life doesn’t seem to be such a struggle.

        Just remember, Happy Wife, Happy Life. 🙂

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  3. These letters, in my opinion, lack any empathy for the person who is to receive it. They seem like boiler-plate letters from a collection agency and would seem to accomplish nothing more than exacerbating the suffering of the recipient thereby increasing the likelihood that they would be more compelled to reconnect.

    The goalof a no-contact communication should be more than to merely extricate one from a relationship that has imploded or soon will, if not merely spin its wheels for years. It should be to
    reassuer the recipeint that the relationship is toxic to both parties and the sooner a clean break is made, the sooner healing to both parties can be commenced.

    They should never be so unemotionally crafted that they could be mistaken for a letter of termination.

    Furthermore, it is not merely the letter or call to go “No Contact” that is important but how no contact is effected and there is no one size fits all program.

    1. Clearly, we disagree. But that’s okay–people are allowed to have their opinions. Our opinions is that it should be in writing so that if the Affair Partner decides to continue contact, that a restraining order or harassment order or whatever legal remedy could be pursued. The person to whom affection and loyalty is owed is the spouse, not the Affair Partner, and so the letter does not need to be empathetic for the Affair Partner, but rather all empathy should be toward the spouse. And it needs to be clear that this is OVER and there is no emotion involved any further.

      1. Lets be realistic it’s generally the partner having the affair who starts it and it’s generally the partner who is having the affair who restarts the affair. The affair will last as long as the wife or the other women tolerates it. No formal letter will help this situation. And yes it will only make the situation far worse. This is a tactic for the husband to appease the wife for awhile.

  4. Wow … Yes, I know that we can disagree, but your response is just about the most heartless thing I’ve ever read. The truth is that the cheating partner has deeply hurt BOTH the spouse and the affair partner. In my case, I was wooed and pursued relentlessly. Yes, I should have resisted and I did try numerous times to end things from my end, but every single time, this man came after me full throttle with beautiful words, love songs, everything he knew to wear me down to opening my heart to him again.

    I gave SIX YEARS of my time, my emotions, my heart, my love to this man. Yes, it was wrong and I take full responsibility for that. But to encourage men (or women) to chop someone off without ONE WORD of kindness or apology or at least a simple well wish for the future is heartless. The affair partner is a person too … there is incredible (almost life-threatening) pain on our end too. Many of us are good, loving people who made a terrible decision. I feel that the cheating partner owes us at least a tiny recognition for the fact that we hurt too. That he/she wronged us too by making promises they wouldn’t/couldn’t keep, seducing us with many thousands of hours of communication and love and affection.

    In my case, I understood completely (and supported) the decision to end the affair and return to his wife. But the pain inflicted at the end (by the approach you are recommending) caused me to feel so completely worthless that I have considered suicide just to end the pain. I was tossed aside as if I were a $50 whore that he’d spent a night’s fling with … not someone who invested six years of my life, built a strong friendship above and beyond anything sexual, stood with him emotionally through some really challenging times and truly loved him.

    As a Christian, I would challenge you to rethink the statement that “all empathy should be toward the spouse.” I believe it is possible to make it clear that the affair is over without dehumanizing and treating the affair partner like a worthless piece of shit. In my case, HE PURSUED ME RELENTLESSLY up until two nights before he ended things. He was pressuring me for video-chat sex two nights before … and you’re telling me that I don’t even deserve a simple acknowledgement or apology that he wronged me as well? I cannot tell you how far that would have gone to heal my heart.

    I never see Jesus treating someone with such complete disregard. I agree with no contact .. but not with the detached cruelty expressed in these letters. What would be so wrong with simply saying, “I am so sorry for the pain I’ve also caused you and sincerely apologize for the selfishness that I showed in creating a relationship with you that I should not have. I hope that you will find healing from the pain that I’ve inflicted on you I wish you all of the best for your future” That simple kindness would at least acknowledge that this woman/man is a person too.

    To pretend there is no emotion involved in severing a six year relationship is ludicrous. To pretend that the only woman’s heart that matters at all is the wife’s is very simplistic. This man wronged TWO women and we both deserve the decency of that pain being honored … at least with one small sentence of kindness and warmth.

    PLEASE reconsider this … I have spoken to so many other “other women” who have also been devastated by this approach. The manner in which our affair was ended is truly the most crushing, demeaning thing that has ever happened to me …. even though I was wrong and sinned, I have value and worth as a human being.

    1. It’s true that we all have value as human beings. You gave your value away willingly by allowing yourself to be seduced by a married man. You are not his victim because you had free will and choice. In fact, you willingly colluded to hurt another human being: his wife…and yourself. You knew he was married, and you chose to get involved. It doesn’t matter how much he pursued you. No one can make you have an affair. You are justifying your feelings, your actions by saying you are his victim and that you deserved a better goodbye from him. I agree that you, like all people, deserve better. You deserve better than an affair. So why did you choose it? It’s not because he was so relentless.

      Maybe what hurts the most isn’t that the married man who wrote you this devastating letter didn’t acknowledge your humanity, but that you didn’t value your own humanity enough to demand a relationship for yourself where you weren’t in the middle of an existing relationship (no matter how broken it might have appeared). So the man you cheated with didnt value you in the end? He didn’t value you from the beginning. Sure there were things he enjoyed about you, used you for, but he didn’t value you, not in the most fundamental ways. And you didn’t value yourself because you chose a cheater for a partner, knowingly. What’s really crushing and demeaning here isn’t how he treated you in the end, but that you wasted six years of your life choosing less for yourself than any human deserves. That’s not his fault. It’s yours. Own that mistake, so you don’t make it again.

      You can’t ask others to value you as a person when you aren’t valuing yourself enough to refuse, outright, to be second skimmings. It’s silly to ask for a better goodbye letter. Ask for a better relationship from the start by picking someone who is available to commit only to you. Ask for more for yourself at the start, not at the end. Nobody gets a perfect goodbye in any ending. Did you “deserve” a better goodbye after what you helped him do to his wife? Why should he respect you? Would a better goodbye really help you move on? That’s not really the issue, now is it?

    2. I don’t believe people understand that this isn’t something that we went looking for. We were sold a very well crafted story. He made himself look like his life was horrible. Almost, as if they were living in a abusive relationship. They cried and plead that they loved us. That they had no longer had feelings for their wife. They were scared to leave.
      How many times that we walked away only for them to hunt us down crying and pleading that they were really done this time? The hours of counseling that we find ourselves going to heal from this mess as well.
      The man I was having an affair with wrote something like this to me as well. I assume his wife googled it and thought it would be a terrific idea. It backfired like no other. A. it infuriated me and my emotions got the best of me. B. it confined him, meaning it was an official letter saying what he can’t do. What he is restricted from doing. Guess what? Two weeks later he was texting me saying they were done. He had ended it.
      The wife is not always the victim and after years of an affair she is well aware of she becomes a willing participant to a sick game.

      1. I know this is late, but I felt compelled to comment: My husband cheated on me and sold the APs on the bad marriage sob story. the question is if the marriage is so bad, why don’t you leave? get a divorce and leave! sad fact is the AP like the wife only see what they want to see. My husbands APs knew he was married, heck he even had us all over Facebook.

        Cheaters are cheaters, they can cheat on their wives, they can cheat on/with/to you. they successfully conduct double lives until it falls to bits around them. APs assume that wives are willing participants – smh – i wish that were the case…life would be less painful then.

        bashing the wife is ridiculous after all she did not trip him and make him fall – he chose to solve his problems the wrong way, everybody should take responsibility for their own actions, choices and decisions.

  5. Out of respect for the betrayed spouse, I would like to see stronger wording against the affair relationship. Something along the lines of “my relationship with you was wrong and one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I can’t believe I risked losing my wife/husband who I now realize I love so deeply for the sake of cheap thrills.” Yes, it is harsh, but it can help the betrayed feel more secure and while it may hurt the affair partner to hear, that degree of hurt is miniscule to the amount of hurt on the betrayed. The affair partner is a permanent enemy of the marriage and needs to be treated as such by someone trying to rebuild after infidelity.

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