Exposure Advice



…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.

Exposure targets:
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the Loyal Spouse, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the Other Person, pastor. Facebook friends of Other Person.

Exposure timing:
Exposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any “perfect” time to expose, so don’t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time.

Expose on the SAME DAY – or as close as possible – in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you

Spouse of affair partner – Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other Loyal Spouse all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other Loyal Spouse to do the same. The other Loyal Spouse will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER LOYAL SPOUSE YOUR DISLOYAL SPOUSE’S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL.

Parents, close family, friends – Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your Disloyal Spouse if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the Disloyal Spouse to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below

Parents of Other Person (Affair Partner) –  Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the Disloyal Spouse calls them too.

Workplace exposure –  Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key Vice President and both of the affairee’s supervisors using the template letter posted below.

Facebook exposure – Should be done to the Other Person’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the Other Person’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FACEBOOK DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your facebook picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below.

The Fallout:
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, “I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!” “I cannot trust you” “You have to pack and leave!!” “You have ruined any chance you had!!” Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don’t laugh, don’t fight, don’t attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don’t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your Disloyal Spouse, the harder you hit the target!

The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse’s anger at all costs.  Just say, “I am so sorry you are upset.

Common Exposure Mistakes

1.  Telling the Disloyal Spouse that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes “who???”  You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won’t work for you!

2.  Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say “ok, I will keep this a secret!!” And they never tell the Disloyal Spouse they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won’t help you by speaking to your Disloyal Spouse, at least TELL the Disloyal Spouse that person knows.

3.  Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the Disloyal Spouse enough to come after the Loyal Spouse. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten Loyal Spouse for no benefit.

4.  Eliminating exposure targets because that person “has no influence over my Disloyal Spouse” even though this is a person with long history over the Disloyal Spouse…such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the LOYAL SPOUSE CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON’T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE DISLOYAL SPOUSE. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don’t know. Many Disloyal Spouses are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.

5.  Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are “crazy” “jealous”. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don’t do that!

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