Have you ever heard a Disloyal Spouse say that their affair was just as hard on them as it was on their Loyal Spouse? Usually, when such a statement is made other Loyal Spouses will join the chorus, saying “Of course it wasn’t as hard on you…We were blind-sided!” or something similar. But for this article I want to share with you a very open, honest reply from one Loyal Spouse (names have been changed for anonymity):
I will post this, not really wanting to but just to get a point across and to maybe help others to see how a Disloyal Spouse could possibly hurt as bad as a Loyal Spouse. Not saying in every case, not saying every time, not even saying in my case, but this will hopefully give some insight into <a Disloyal Spouse’s> frame of mind the moments leading up to the affair. And it will also show the state of our sorry marriage pre-affair.
I will post here and now what I did … over roughly 10 years. It’s not pretty, I am deeply ashamed and regretful but I was depressed, had <some hormonal imbalance> and was completely shut down emotionally. I had my own issues also.
Here we go..and remember this is ONLY touching the surface.
No I was never physical, I never ever or verbally abused but I did humiliate , and I rejected physically and emotionally. In 10 years I would guess we had sex maybe 3-4 times a year at most. We went for about a year before without sex, I could have gone the whole time without it. I had zero desire, none. And that meant I didn’t desire at all and knew it.
In the last 3 years, <my Disloyal Spouse> got counseling, lost weight, got incredibly hot, beat depression, had a new attitude, bought sexy clothes, bought candles, perfumes, turned down the lights on more than one occasion and pranced around in front of me in <sexy outfits> and you know what I did? I told <my DS they> didn’t look very good.., or I ignored <my Disloyal> completely; it NEVER led to sex ever. It actually pi$$ed me off when <my spouse>did it. <My spouse> tried this over roughly 3 years. <My disloyal> tried to have an affair with me.
Eventually my spouse stopped sleeping in our bed after a while because <my DS> couldn’t handle the loneliness and hurt. You see if <my spouse> even touched me I would pull away or say stop it. I did NOT want my DS touching me. So, <my DS> started sleeping on the couch and that was about the beginning of the end.
My Disloyal Spouse got me into counseling and even the counselor knew it wasn’t good but he couldn’t get through to me either. I didn’t stick with it of course.
I said things in front of friends that were degrading about and it brings tears to my eyes as I type this. When wanted to make love I made comments like..”It’s just sex what’s the big deal?” begged me once towards the end to make love, was in tears and I snapped back, “Make love to you…look at you your crying”
NO ONE but <my spouse> will ever truly understand the depth of my coldness and rejection that I put <my DS> through. I KNOW <my DS> suffered horribly and for a long long time. Now does it equal my pain? Who is to say it does or doesn’t. I know <my disloyal> cried a lot over the years and would cry at night in bed. I know <my spouse> begged to be loved… touched…held, but I wouldn’t.
God, I was cruel at times and <my Disloyal Spouse> hurt and hurt bad.
<My DS> posted once about this and there is even more things I said and did, so if you want to see more it’s out there.
So, you all know the rest of the story. My Disloyal reached out to an old flame, and sought passion elsewhere. Not an excuse at all, but had I been a loving, caring, hands on spouse, my DS would NEVER have reached out for another person. <My Disloyal> didn’t cheat on a happy marriage or caring spouse, <my DS> cheated on a $hity marriage and a cold shutdown spouse. Again, <my Disloyal> should have divorced me true..but there were reasons <my DS> felt that wouldn’t be wise–primarily the security and well being of our children.
Am I defending the affair? NO!!! I am giving you some insight as to how my Disloyal Spouse felt. I am 10 weeks past Discover Day, and I am not a foolish person. I have read a lot and learned a lot and my Disloyal Spouse IS different! <My DS’s? reason for the affair is not the norm. This new me could never put up with that much rejection for a month let alone for years. So when I say we had no marriage pre-affair I am not kidding.
Who is to say who hurts more?
What we are learning is that it doesn’t matter now–we are HAPPILY married now! Sure there are some challenges but this new marriage is FAR from the old one. I love my spouse, I hold, cuddle, talk, laugh and joke with my spouse, and loves me and is doing everything to make up for this horrible choice. knows s/he messed up, and owns it, but I own my part too and perhaps that’s were we are a tad different?
When <my DS> prances around now…well I can tell you <my spouse> isn’t rejected anymore, and when <my spouse> comes to me in tears because of sorrow, we hold each other when we hurt!
This marriage is different than before, it is far better and far more fulfilling. I guess the biggest question and the biggest unknown is, will it endure. will it stand the test of time….will this Reconciliation work? ….I think so, I hope so!
I am so incredibly sorry for what I said and what I did, and for what I didn’t do. I know this is hard to read, it drums up a horrible past and a lot of hurt. Believe me, I didn’t like writing it, I wiped away tears more then once to write this. Know that I am sorry and I love you with every ounce of my being.
I made this very frank and honest post into an article because it is one of the biggest obstacles a couple has to overcome in order to reconcile: namely that there are TWO in the marriage, and both partners need to look at what they did and how they hurt their spouse, and work to change.
Some Loyal Spouses may say that I’m trying to blame the affair on the one who remained faithful, but this is not about “blaming” anyone. I believe that each individual is responsible for what they did. Each spouse needs to look at their own actions and choices, and if they were wrong, they were wrong! Each spouse is responsible to change themselves–whether the other one does or not! Your spouse’s bad choice does not justify your own bad behavior…and it also doesn’t mean that now your bad choice is good!
You did what you did. Own it. Work on changing it.
**Thanks are due to two very special friends at Talk About Marriage>Coping With Infidelity who are fighting the good fight. You know who you are.