Affaircare is REFRESHING the website this month with a new look and updated info! We thought it would be a good month to have a Refresh Series to refresh everyone on our fundamental concepts. We are going to refresh YOU with our straightforward, Christian guidance!
This week we continue our Refresh Series by talking about “What to Do If You Just Found Out.” Next week we will conclude the series with “The Steps You Can Take to Save Your Marriage.”
A Parable about finding out
You have known that something is wrong in your marriage, and now you have in your hands the proof you don’t want: your spouse is having an affair. You instinct is to do something FAST, and most likely your gut reaction will not be helpful toward saving your marriage and reconciling. So this podcast refreshes you with what to do if you just found out.
Usually when people just find out, their reaction is one of two things: 1) revenge or 2) pleading. If your inclination is toward revenge, you may have an overwhelming urge to rage, scream or “hurt them back.” If your tendency is less self-assured, you may beg them to love you, plead with them to stay, ask for another chance, and promise them you’ll change!
Both of these compulsions are counter-productive, and both of these reactions are sinful. Since biblically saving your marriage IS so counter-intuitive, and since our Christian worldview is even more counter-intuitive to the world view, we want to give you four things you CAN do that will help immensely.
First, in the podcast we shared a parable about what it feels like to discover that your spouse is cheating. We shared this parable because language is usually insufficient to convey the full depth of the emotions. Until we heard this example, nothing had really come close to describing it–and yet this parable does come close. Therefore, this parable is shared with hope: hope that Loyal Spouses will now have a tool to “describe” it in word pictures…and hope that Disloyal Spouses will have an image that will reveal the crisis of just finding out. If you’d like to read the parable more fully, click on our blog “How it Feels to Discover Your Spouse is Cheating.”
Four Things You Can Do If You Just Found Out
1) Don’t be in a rush
The first thing you need to do calm down and don’t do anything rash. There will be plenty of time for making decisions, deciding what to do, when and how. Unless you are in the right state of mind, you will experience even more confusion and pain.
- Schedule an appointment with your doctor.–You are going to need an STD test and it is a wise idea to have your personal physician informed on the things that could be affecting your health. If your doctor tries to prescribe anti-depressants, don’t use pills as a crutch.
- Open your Bible –You have a Source of undending strength, compassion, and healing at your fingertips. God promises to be there, and what God promises, He does. Right now you need comfort, in the upcoming days you will need support and truth. This is all found in God’s word. Start with the Psalms.
2) Take responsibility for your part of what has occurred
Taking responsibility is not accepting Disloyal excuses or blame! But it is saying “I could have chosen this or that, and I made this choice.” Just be honest with yourself about any areas in which you need to repent and change! What things did you stop doing that were kindling the fire of love? What things did you start doing that were purring out the fire?
3) Do a U-turn from what you’ve been doing
Your marriage is in a crisis. Your family is in a crisis. What you’ve been doing is NOT WORKING; thus it would be foolishness to return to “the way things were.” We recommend that you do a complete “about face” in the way you view marriage, in the way you think about your spouse, and in the way you ACT.
4) Get advice from an expert
Get some help and support, privately and confidentially, from someone you trust who is wise and who will give you wise counsel in getting through this. Your expert could be a pastor, parent or grandparent, sibling, coach or counselor. But the idea is to find someone who will encourage and support you in doing the right thing (even when it’s hard) and who will tell you the truth to your face.
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