Your spouse had an affair. You followed the steps to end the affair, and now you and your spouse have made the decision to try to save your marriage and recover. You listened to our series about Recovering After an Affair. But now you want to learn more about the tools you can use to help you reconcile (the final step).
Today we continue our five-week series all about the Reconciliation tools, how to use them, and why they are helpful. Although there is no guarantee your marriage will be saved, but these tools can help you build a new, more healthy marriage.
In today’s episode we talk about the fourth tool–the Love Kindlers Quiz, by Affaircare!
Love Kindlers are actions that people do that are likely to stoke the fire of love and make it hotter. Just as adding fuel to a fire keeps it burning–making it brighter and hotter–so concentrating on Kindlers, making them part of your daily interactions with each other, builds the fire of passion in your marriage. There are seven areas of commitment that we’ve identified as Love Kindlers:
1. Emotional Commitment
2. Spiritual Commitment
3. Physical Commitment
4. Financial Commitment
5. Family Commitment
6. Social Commitment
7. Security Commitment
You can find links to the Love Kindlers Quiz on our Affaircare Quizzes page, or
Here is a link to the Love Kindlers–What Are They? article so you can learn more about them.
Both you and your spouse should take the quiz. We recommend that you both print the quiz and take it! You answer for the way your spouse acts toward you, and your spouse answer for the way you act toward them. Then we recommend that you find a time to talk that is calm and relaxing, during which you will not be interrupted, and you both know you are going to talk about Love Kindlers, and exchange quizzes….just like you did for the Love Extinguishers.
As you come together to talk about your quizzes, bear in mind that what you read may hurt you (after all, who likes to hear that they aren’t doing a Love Kindler?), and likewise it your spouse may be hurt by reading what you wrote–even if it is true! But one of the things we are working to rebuild is transparency, so we are asking you to practice being honest in a situation that is a bit hard. Make it safe for your spouse to be honest with you in the little things, and they will be honest with you in the bigger things.
So, no matter what you spouse says on the quiz, commit to telling your spouse “Thank you for telling me the truth. I will think about what you’ve said.” Then, think of what you are willing to do to begin to ADD or change those actions that would kindle the love for your spouse, and the two of you work out a plan together. How are you going to work on this TOGETHER?
Other podcasts in the Reconciliation Tools series:
- Reconciliation Tool #1: Myers-Briggs Personality Test
- Reconciliation Tool #2: Five Love Languages Quiz
- Reconciliation Tool #3: Love Extinguishers Quiz
The Recovering After an Affair Series:
- Recovering After an Affair: Pre-Reconciliation
- Recovering After an Affair: Commitment
- Recovering After an Affair: Forgiveness
- Recovering After an Affair: Take Some Time
- Recovering After an Affair: Mutual United Understanding
- Recovering After an Affair: W-T-F-S
- Recovering After an Affair: Selfless, Selfish, and Self-aware Mode
- Recovering After an Affair: Recovery Tools