Monthly Archives: May 2016

Reconciliation Tool #5: REBT Part 1 [Podcast]

Your spouse had an affair. You followed the steps to end the affair, and now you and your spouse have made the decision to try to save your marriage and recover.  You listened to our series about Recovering After an Affair.  But now you want to learn more about the tools you can use to help you reconcile (the final step).

Today we continue our series all about the Reconciliation tools, how to use them, and why they are helpful.  Although  there is no guarantee your marriage will be saved, but these tools can help you build a new, more healthy marriage.

In today’s episode we talk about the fifth tool–Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), developed by Dr.Albert Ellis in 1955.  Since REBT is such a big topic, we are breaking up this subject into two parts:  Part One, today, is a background on what REBT is, what it means, and why it is important.  Next week, in Part Two, we will show you the technique and then choose examples right off the Affaircare website so you can see how to use REBT.

When something negative, or bad happens to you, your inner dialog gives you it’s take on the situation. As a result, you experience an emotion. You are then left with the choice of how to deal with whatever has happened.

As Christians, we know that our inner dialog is tainted by sin. Jeremiah says: “…The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?…” (Jeremiah 17:9) Dealing with our sin is the responsibility of all Christians. Our sin is a product of, the result of, and caused by our thinking: “…For out of the heart come evil thoughts–murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander…” (Matthew 15:19), and so on.

REBT is a tool that helps you investigate that inner dialog – to address and change that inner dialog to be one that is more helpful, wiser, and less prone to error.  We also would point out that as Christians, changing that inner dialog is part of growing as a Christian. And as a Christian, we have the Holy Spirit who helps us grow and change. In this instance, REBT is used as a tool to help us focus directly on where sin and error have been so influential.

You can find out more about REBT on our Affaircare Quizzes page, or here is a link to an REBT Therapy page to learn even more!

NOTE TO SELF:  This is a self-help tool – it is not meant for use on your spouse: you use it on yourself. This tool gives you a method to ease your aching heart, to calm yourself, and to give yourself the strength to handle the difficult road ahead of you. It gives you some clarity of mind with which you can then prepare and make better decisions. It can help you avoid those bad situations which arise from acting on impulse, or without considering further consequences.

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/2016/Reconciliation+Tools+-+REBT.mp3]

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Other podcasts in the Reconciliation Tools series:

The Recovering After an Affair Series:

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Reconciliation Tool #4: Love Kindlers Quiz [Podcast]

Your spouse had an affair. You followed the steps to end the affair, and now you and your spouse have made the decision to try to save your marriage and recover.  You listened to our series about Recovering After an Affair.  But now you want to learn more about the tools you can use to help you reconcile (the final step).

Today we continue our five-week series all about the Reconciliation tools, how to use them, and why they are helpful.  Although  there is no guarantee your marriage will be saved, but these tools can help you build a new, more healthy marriage.

In today’s episode we talk about the fourth tool–the Love Kindlers Quiz, by Affaircare!

Love Kindlers are actions that people do that are likely to stoke the fire of love and make it hotter.  Just as adding fuel to a fire keeps it burning–making it brighter and hotter–so concentrating on Kindlers, making them part of your daily interactions with each other, builds the fire of passion in your marriage.  There are seven areas of commitment that we’ve identified as Love Kindlers:

1.  Emotional Commitment

2. Spiritual Commitment

3.  Physical Commitment

4.  Financial Commitment

5.  Family Commitment

6.  Social Commitment

7.  Security Commitment

You can find links to the Love Kindlers Quiz on our Affaircare Quizzes page, or

Here is a link to the Love Kindlers–What Are They? article so you can learn more about them.

Both you and your spouse should take the quiz.  We recommend that you both print the quiz and take it!   You answer for the way your spouse acts toward you, and your spouse answer for the way you act toward them. Then we recommend that you find a time to talk that is calm and relaxing, during which you will not be interrupted, and you both know you are going to talk about Love Kindlers, and exchange quizzes….just like you did for the Love Extinguishers.

As you come together to talk about your quizzes, bear in mind that what you read may hurt you (after all, who likes to hear that they aren’t doing a Love Kindler?), and likewise it your spouse may be hurt by reading what you wrote–even if it is true!  But one of the things we are working to rebuild is transparency, so we are asking you to practice being honest in a situation that is a bit hard. Make it safe for your spouse to be honest with you in the little things, and they will be honest with you in the bigger things.

So, no matter what you spouse says on the quiz, commit to telling your spouse “Thank you for telling me the truth.  I will think about what you’ve said.”  Then, think of what you are willing to do to begin to ADD  or change those actions that would kindle the love for your spouse, and the two of you work out a plan together.  How are you going to work on this TOGETHER?

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/2016/Reconciliation+Tools-Love+Kindlers.mp3]

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Other podcasts in the Reconciliation Tools series:

The Recovering After an Affair Series:

Reconciliation Tool #3: Love Extinguishers Quiz [Podcast]

Your spouse had an affair. You followed the steps to end the affair, and now you and your spouse have made the decision to try to save your marriage and recover.  You listened to our series about Recovering After an Affair.  But now you want to learn more about the tools you can use to help you reconcile (the final step).

Today we continue our five-week series all about the Reconciliation tools, how to use them, and why they are helpful.  Although  there is no guarantee your marriage will be saved, but these tools can help you build a new, more healthy marriage.

In today’s episode we talk about the third tool–the Love Extinguishers Quiz, by Affaircare!

Love Extinguishers are actions that people do that are more likely to quench the fire of love like putting water on a fire.  They are when we treat our spouses poorly, disrespectfully or abusively.  There are seven areas of neglect that we’ve identified as Love Extinguishers:

1.  Emotional Neglect

2. Spiritual Neglect

3.  Physical Neglect

4.  Financial Neglect

5.  Family Neglect

6.  Social Neglect

7.  Security Neglect

You can find links to the Love Extinguishers Quiz on our Affaircare Quizzes page, or

Here is a link to the Love Extinguishers–What Are They? article so you can learn more about them.

Both you and your spouse should take the quiz.  We recommend that you both print the quiz and take it!   You answer for the way your spouse acts toward you, and your spouse answer for the way you act toward them. Then we recommend that you find a time to talk that is calm and relaxing, during which you will not be interrupted, and you both know you are going to talk about Love Extinguishers, and exchange quizzes.  Wives let your husbands see what you truly think and feel–likewise husbands let your wives see what you truly think and feel.

As you come together to talk about your quizzes, bear in mind that what you read is likely to possibly hurt you, and likewise it is possible that your spouse will be hurt by reading what you wrote–even if it is true!  But one of the things we are working to rebuild is transparency, so we are asking you to practice being honest in a situation that is a bit hard. Make it safe for your spouse to be honest with you inthe little things, and they will be honest with you in the bigger things.

So, no matter what you spouse says on the quiz, commit to telling your spouse “Thank you for telling me the truth.  I will think about what you’ve said.”  Then, think of what you are willing to do to change in those areas that are extinguishing the love for your spouse, and the two of you work out a plan together.  How are you going to work on this TOGETHER?

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/2016/Reconciliation+Tools-Love+Extinguishers.mp3]

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Other podcasts in the Reconciliation Tools series:

The Recovering After an Affair Series:

Reconciliation Tool #2: Five Love Languages [Podcast]

Your spouse had an affair. You followed the steps to end the affair, and now you and your spouse have made the decision to try to save your marriage and recover.  You listened to our series about Recovering After an Affair.  But now you want to learn more about the tools you can use to help you reconcile (the final step).

Today we continue our five-week series all about the Reconciliation tools, how to use them, and why they are helpful.  Although  there is no guarantee your marriage will be saved, but these tools can help you build a new, more healthy marriage.

In today’s episode we talk about the second tool–the Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.

The first love language is Words of Affirmation. If this is your love language, you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are, how much they appreciate you, etc.  If your spouse’s primary love language is words of affirmation, your spoken praise and appreciation will fall like rain on parched soil. Before long, you will see new life sprouting in your marriage as your spouse responds to your words of love.

The second love language is Acts of Service. Do you remember the old saying, “Actions speak louder than words”? For some people, that is particularly true of love. If your partner offering to watch the kids so you can go to the gym (or relieving you of some other task) gets your heart going, then this is your love language.  If acts of service is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing will speak more deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service.

The third love language is Receiving Gifts.  In every society throughout human history, gift giving has been perceived as an expression of love. Giving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says if you love someone, you will give to him or her.  If your partner taking the time to give you a gift makes you feel appreciated. then this is your love language.  If receiving gifts is your spouse’s primary love language, you will make your spouse feel loved and treasured by giving gifts on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and “no occasion” days.

The fourth love language is Quality Time. This love language is about being together, fully present and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial. If you walk in on your spouse watching TV, and they immediately put the television on mute and don’t take their eyes off you as long as you’re in the room, and that makes your heart skip a beat…this is your love language. If your spouse’s love language is quality time, giving him or her your undivided attention is one of the best ways you can show your love.

The fifth love language is Physical Touch. This love language is just as it sounds. A warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy make you feel most loved when this is your love language. If physical touch is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing communicates love more clearly than for you to take the initiative to reach out and touch your mate.

You can find links to the Five Love Languages Quiz on our Affaircare Quizzes page, or just click here to go directly to the test.

Here is a link to the Five Love Languages wikipedia page, so you can learn more about it.

Once both you and your spouse have determined your love languages, take the time to share your with each other, and look up your spouse’s love language.  Does it sound like them? Ask them for examples–remember even those who have the same love language may not interpret it the same!  Learn about what makes your spouse tick!

After last week’s discovery that your spouse is not the same as you, discovering the ways in which your personalities the same can give you an intial foundation on which you can begin to rebuild. Learning your spouse’s Love Language can add another layer to your foundation–discover how they “hear” and receive LOVE.  As a couple working to recover after an affair, finding out the ways in which you two are different MAY explain why “he” behaves one way and “she” behaves another.   If you UNDERSTAND each other, you begin to build love.

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/2016/Reconciliation+Tools-Five+Love+Languages.mp3]

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Other podcasts in the Reconciliation Tools series:

The Recovering After an Affair Series: