Are you and your spouse the dining dead? Are they rude and always irritated? Did you hear “We’ve through this already!” and get shut down? Is your spouse drinking more, over-eating, buying new gadgets, or turning to porn?
These are signs that your spouse is unhappy. It may be that they are unhappy about something in the marriage, and it may be that something else is causing your spouse to feel unhappy.
In this week’s episode, we discuss ten signs that your spouse is feeling miserable and is no longer satisfied in the marriage. How many of these signs do you see in YOUR spouse? To learn more, and #Affairproof Your Marriage, here are the ten signs you should look for:
1. Your spouse isn’t talking to you anymore. The two of you are “the dining dead” and sit next to each other without saying a word because the two of you no longer have anything in common. You know the setting: you haven’t been spending time with your spouse and you finally get them to agree to “talk”… and your spouse says “We’ve been through this already!” If you don’t talk, if your spouse answer with “yep” and “no” and that’s it, or If your spouse is shutting down your attempts to talk…it is a sign they are unhappy.
2. Your spouse starts to act rude, disrespectful, easily irritated, offensive. Usually two adults in a mutually happy relationship treat each other kindly and with some manners: saying “pleases” and “thank yous” for example. So when you start to notice that your spouse isn’t being as polite, or is being insulting and doesn’t care if they offend you, that is a sure sign that they are not happy.
3. Your spouse is “away”–distracted, not mentally “present” in the present. People who are committed to loving their spouse make the time to pay attention to their spouse. They will listen to and observe the one they love, and it will be enjoyable! But for someone who is unhappy, their thoughts are elsewhere. They are distracted thinking about whatever it is that does make them happy, and they do not actively listen to their spouse. Even if your spouse is an introvert, if they don’t pay attention or they are constantly distracted by something (or someone!) else, it may be a sign of unhappiness in the relationship.
4. Your spouse isn’t fulfilling your needs–they’re less affectionate. If you know our Basic Concepts, you’ll know that we believe that when people first meet and feel that “in love” feeling, it’s because the person they love piles on the Love Kindlers and naturally does the things that build the fire of love. So when your spouse seems to be less and less interested in doing the things that kindle the fire, and stops being affectionate, it is a sign that they are not happy.
5. Your spouse is compensating for the unhappiness with some addictive behavior. Some typical examples of a spouse covering the pain of being unhappy are drinking more, over-eating, watching porn, or over-spending. For the fellas, over-spending looks different than it does for the ladies. Men will come home with the latest gadget, the latest game, the latest “man toy” over and over again…whereas the ladies will buy shoes, handbags, clothes, facials, hairdos, or chocolate to try to feel better.
6. Your spouse is following you around like a puppy dog. When you spouse is clingy and looking for any crumb of attention that you might throw their way, that is a SURE SIGN that they are feeling neglected and unhappy in the marriage! Time to give your spouse some uninterrupted adult time, and we don’t just mean sex either. We mean having a whole day to focus on them and treat them as if they are valuable.
7. Your spouse is “away” — and we mean they are physically NOT THERE. They work long hours and don’t seem bothered but be gone so much. They leave you, go out, and have other friends. They go to church–go to class–go to the gym–ANYWHERE but be with you. They are not happy at home so they go someplace where they are happy.
8. Your spouse’s sexual desire changes. Let’s say you and your spouse had an average sex life–not something to write to Playboy about, but it was mutually satisfying and pretty regular, 3 times a week, with various positions and techniques. Then gradually, you notice a change in your spouse’s sexual desire that doesn’t seem to be related to a medical issue. It can go one of two ways: either they turn into “NoNookie of the North” (frigid, unresponsive, unenthusiastic) or constantly trying to be seductive and provocative. Either way, your spouse isn’t feeling connected to you sexually, and they are either punishing you by withholding sex…or they are trying desperately to reconnect with you by turning you on. Either way-they are not happy!
9. Your spouse lets snide comments about you “accidentally slip out” especially when with friends. When people love each other, from the love in the hearts and the bounty of their thoughts, their mouth sings the praises of their loved one. When the fire is being extinguished and the thoughts are beginning to be less positive, your spouse will occasionally let the sarcastic, hurtful comment come out …and try to pass it off as a joke. But make no mistake, this is a serious sign that your spouse is not happy and the truth is leaking out.
10. Your spouse starts to EXCLUDE you. Married people are indeed two individuated beings–that is to say, you can distinguish one from the other. They are distinct, and they are UNITED, not FUSED. “Fused” would be where one of the married people loses their own identity, or they both do, and they say things like: “I can’t live without you!” “United” would be where both of the married people keep their own identity but also operate as a team or unit. But when your spouse–who is part of a unit with you–begins to exclude you from their life, their friends, their activities or their interests, they are connecting with someone else and do not want you to be involved in their thoughts and feelings. This is probably the most dangerous sign that they are deeply unhappy and about to plunge down that slippery slope toward an affair.
Please join us next week as we continue our “series” for the month of May just discussing topics about infidelity that we find a little intriguing! Aren’t you curious?[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/10+Signs+Your+Spouse+is+Unhappy.mp3]