…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.


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The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!

Our question today comes from a lady who commented on our “Sample No Contact Letters” page.  She writes:

Wow … Yes, I know that we can disagree, but your response is just about the most heartless thing I’ve ever read. The truth is that the cheating partner has deeply hurt BOTH the spouse and the affair partner. In my case, I was wooed and pursued relentlessly. Yes, I should have resisted and I did try numerous times to end things from my end, but every single time, this man came after me full throttle with beautiful words, love songs, everything he knew to wear me down to opening my heart to him again.

I gave SIX YEARS of my time, my emotions, my heart, my love to this man. Yes, it was wrong and I take full responsibility for that. But to encourage men (or women) to chop someone off without ONE WORD of kindness or apology or at least a simple well wish for the future is heartless. The affair partner is a person too … there is incredible (almost life-threatening) pain on our end too. Many of us are good, loving people who made a terrible decision. I feel that the cheating partner owes us at least a tiny recognition for the fact that we hurt too. That he/she wronged us too by making promises they wouldn’t/couldn’t keep, seducing us with many thousands of hours of communication and love and affection.

In my case, I understood completely (and supported) the decision to end the affair and return to his wife. But the pain inflicted at the end (by the approach you are recommending) caused me to feel so completely worthless that I have considered suicide just to end the pain. I was tossed aside as if I were a $50 whore that he’d spent a night’s fling with … not someone who invested six years of my life, built a strong friendship above and beyond anything sexual, stood with him emotionally through some really challenging times and truly loved him.

As a Christian, I would challenge you to rethink the statement that “all empathy should be toward the spouse.” I believe it is possible to make it clear that the affair is over without dehumanizing and treating the affair partner like a worthless piece of shit. In my case, HE PURSUED ME RELENTLESSLY up until two nights before he ended things. He was pressuring me for video-chat sex two nights before … and you’re telling me that I don’t even deserve a simple acknowledgement or apology that he wronged me as well? I cannot tell you how far that would have gone to heal my heart.

I never see Jesus treating someone with such complete disregard. I agree with no contact .. but not with the detached cruelty expressed in these letters. What would be so wrong with simply saying, “I am so sorry for the pain I’ve also caused you and sincerely apologize for the selfishness that I showed in creating a relationship with you that I should not have. I hope that you will find healing from the pain that I’ve inflicted on you I wish you all of the best for your future” That simple kindness would at least acknowledge that this woman/man is a person too.

To pretend there is no emotion involved in severing a six year relationship is ludicrous. To pretend that the only woman’s heart that matters at all is the wife’s is very simplistic. This man wronged TWO women and we both deserve the decency of that pain being honored … at least with one small sentence of kindness and warmth.

PLEASE reconsider this … I have spoken to so many other “other women” who have also been devastated by this approach. The manner in which our affair was ended is truly the most crushing, demeaning thing that has ever happened to me …. even though I was wrong and sinned, I have value and worth as a human being.

Dear Ms. Have a Little Sympathy,

This is Cindy writing from Affaircare, and I wanted to respond to this one today because this issue is very important to me, personally. The first thing I do want to let you know is that I, myself, was a formerly Disloyal Spouse, so I do not write to you as if I am a blameless, perfect person. I do understand that as human beings, we do sometimes make poor choices and do the wrong thing, as I did it myself!  I also realize that often when we make a poor choice, that the consequence is excruciatingly painful. The second thing I do want to let you know is that we, at Affaircare, do not not want anyone–Loyal Spouse, Disloyal Spouse, or Affair Partner–to believe there is not HOPE. We are nouthetic counselors so that means we engage people in biblically-directed discussions so the Holy Spirit can bring about change in personality and behavior. We use the Bible, and not “psychology” or the popular opinion as our guide.

That being the case, I’d like to start this letter by talking about feelings. Feelings are the perception of a bodily state as pleasant or unpleasant; they are responses to judgments made about the environment or oneself. These judgments trigger body chemistry to orient our body to meet the situation. The body chemistry accounts for “feelings” or “emotions.” Some examples of feelings would be that you feel “happy” or “sad” or “good” or “bad.”

However, one does not “feel” inferior. That’s not an emotion brought about by body chemistry. It’s an expression of a judgment, attitude or conviction about your own self–“I AM inferior”–a conclusion reached about your own behavior, attitudes, character or capabilities. You wrote that you felt like “…a $50 whore that he’d spent a night’s fling with … not someone who invested six years of my life, built a strong friendship above and beyond anything sexual, stood with him emotionally through some really challenging times and truly loved him.” Since it is a self-judgement, though, there is HOPE because the Holy Spirit can bring about change in personality and behavior!


It’s important to know what a feeling is and isn’t because when the Disloyal Spouse married their Loyal Spouse, they made very specific promises such as forsaking all others. The entire point of marriage is to say to one other human being “I willingly volunteer to give you 100% of my affection and loyalty, and I willingly volunteer to spend the rest of YOUR LIFE getting to know you deeply and treating you in a loving way.” Because of this promise, Disloyal Spouses actually morally and legally have a duty to their Loyal Spouses. They do not have a moral or legal equivalent to any other human being on the planet.

Unfortunately, with Hollywood showing us that love is a “feeling”–something like “star-crossed lovers who see each other across a crowded room and overcoming all obstacles they fulfil their destiny”–most people have no idea what Real LOVE is. It’s not having another person “complete you” or having your needs met by someone. It’s definitely not looking at your lover’s spouse as an obstacle to overcome either! Real Love is not “love yourself” or “self-esteem” or supporting sin or offering sympathy by feeling bad for you. In fact, Real Love is not a “feeling”! Feelings change and are not dependable! Think about it: day-to-day you can “feel” different just because you’re hungry, tired, or it’s a time of the month. So “feelings” come and go, wax and wane, and roll in and out like the tide, but Real Love is like I Corinthians 13. Real Love is FOREVER–so it just couldn’t be talking about a “feeling.”

Real Love is the ultimate answer to all problems of living–Love is our goal, here at Affaircare! But Real Love is serving and is obedience-based. Real Love is an ACTION–a choice. Between human beings, Love is when you choose to treat another person in a loving way. Between humans and God, Love is obeying God. So if I really and truly love you, I’m not going to encourage you to continue to sin–I’m going to treat you in the most loving way I know, and that’s to encourage you and help you in every possible way to obey God. I’ll only say this once: disobeying God comes with some excruciating consequences. If you disobey and repent, that does not automatically mean that God will take away the painful consequence of the disobedience you chose! So if I love you, and I do, I will do my very best to support you in your obedience.

Finally I know you wish I would support you, and from what you wrote, I don’t think you wish I would encourage or endorse the affair. It sounds like you wish I would tell the Disloyals to send one last love letter to their Affair Partner to say goodbye…or maybe at least offer one last bit of tender kindness to someone who loved them well. I would like to let you know why I DON’T endorse that. It’s for two reasons:

1) Disloyal Spouses have a duty to their Loyal Spouse not to their Affair Partner. Now, I’m not saying that any human being has the right to treat another human being with hatred and harm, but rather that when it comes to consideration, a spouse owes 100% to the person they married. Not even 1% is theirs to give away! Think of it like a person who has had their leg caught in an explosion. There are chunks of leg still hanging there, but the damage is so extensive that the leg can not be reconstructed. So is it more compassionate to cut off the leg in one, swift slice with a scalpel? Or is it more compassionate to gradually cut off a little bit at a time every day over several days?

It’s the same here. The Disloyal Spouse gave away what was not his/hers to give. Taking it away and returning to their spouse is going to cause DEEP pain to the person they have injured (you)! You may wish he gradually cut off a little every day, but that actually just extends the pain. It’s more compassionate to have one swift cut-off and then you can be on your way to healing and learning how to live as an amputee. That’s why I encourage Disloyals to send a letter that cuts it off 100% thoroughly and that gets them back in the habit of giving 100% to their spouse again rather than prolonging the sin of giving some portion to someone else.  But make no mistake, the Disloyal’s and the Affair Partner’s choices  cause harm just like an amputation.

2) Offering “support” and “sympathy” by just feeling bad for you is not a help. A nouthetic counselor will never support sin, but rather point out biblical principles and use kind, concerned, confrontation to bring repentance, faith, and hope. The aim is HOPE through change. It’s not sympathy to stand back and feel bad for you; it is sympathy to ACT. Look at the Good Samaritan. He didn’t see the wounded man and just “feel bad for him”–he ACTED, bound his wounds AND took him to a place that could care for him AND PAID FOR IT! He showed mercy and love by acting. If I were to offer support or sympathize, that would mean there are no better options, and I’d be standing by while you suffer. Instead of standing by, I’m rolling up my sleeves and jumping in to actually offer HOPE–doing something concrete.

So I do understand that indeed you hurt tremendously and that you felt deep feelings and that losing someone you loved is very hard. But I want you the hurt to end. I want you to recover and feel “good” again, and the fastest way to do that is to encourage you to discontinue all connection with your Disloyal right away, and to return to obeying God and living in a way that pleases Him, even if it’s not easy for you.



~Cindy J. Taylor

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42 thoughts on “Ask Affaircare: How Could You Be So Heartless? Have a Little Sympathy!”

  1. somuchhurt says:January 24, 2015 at 1:56 AM

    Really! I don’t buy this…this OW could have done much more to stop him from pursuing her, if nothing else went to the mans wife! I feel she deserves all the pain she is feeling because she has no idea the pain the wife is feeling and I grant you it is much greater! I call BULL!


  2. betrayedin2012 says:January 24, 2015 at 5:17 AM

    I have sooo much to say and Im not a loyal or devote religious person so I will say this and do my best to be respectful of the site.

    Holy canoli… mental abuse– gas lighting IS a part of cheating and probably most likely inflicted on the loyal spouse during that yearly AFFAIR and sex with someone while married putting a spouse who believes is in a monogomous relationship having sex without protection and placing them at risk for stds and aids IS by far disgusting and disgraceful and extremely dangerous.

    If kids are involved:

    anyone who thinks the kids dont see or feel is in sheer denial of how smart and intuitive their kids are. And to grow up with sooo much technology surrounded by “tv morals” saying cheating is ok, no one gets hurt and people get over it is NOT how reality is…

    Aside from the fact that those kids who just see splitting up ALSO grow up.. and will one day figure out on their own or just plain ask what happened and then what?? Their whole view of the sanctity of marriage is then skewed either way.. Dont like someone, cheat on them, leave them, whatever– they’ll get over it..

    … no one cares or sees cheating as something detrimental, or the ripple effects it has, until it happens to them. And THAT’S just sad..

    And as for religion in this– I think its just ridiculous for those religious people who are only religious when it benefits them– ie.. hey I’m taking my vows before God and family… oooh I’m going to cheat– where is God then? where are you following your bible then? where are you showing God you are holy then? ooooh but wait, you got caught, the ripple effects begin, you see the pain and hurt and things that those actions caused– wellllllllllll God forgives soooo okay, I’m holy now and repent for forgiveness… how convenient.. But yes if you are truly sorry and ask for forgiveness your God will forgive you, but that Gods forgiveness wont take away all that was ruined..

    I find it infuriating that people these days pick and choose when they are religious.

    A whore will be a whore and do what a whore does (tempt of that ” forbidden fruit” ) and its up to those that follow their religion to resist that temptation..

    So absolutely no remorse for her or her decisions to live in a shadow of a wife.

    Ok that was my two cents on affairs…


  3. Pingback: I commented on a site today.. | betrayedin2012’s Blog
  4. betrayedin2012 says:January 24, 2015 at 5:28 AM

    “Jesus treating someone with such complete disregard???” Sorry… Kind of like she treated the wife? I cant even read that comment without wanting to rip it into shreds with all its self centered- ness.. Its mind boggling and the best part is she ACTUALLLLLLLY believes shes entitled to sympathy?! Cry me a river, and then go jump in it!


    1. Shocked at Judgment from So-Called Christians says:July 25, 2016 at 9:27 PM

      Everyone here blaming the mistress. The GUY made the choice. He initiated it guaranteed. 99% of the time they do, then everyone blames the other woman as if she sought him out. And the guy gets to go back to the wife and is forgiven. Really????!!!!!!


      1. David @ affaircare says:July 26, 2016 at 11:39 AM

        It makes no difference who initiates an affair. An affair requires two people, both are equally culpable. Such blame-shifting is both obstructive and irrelevant!

        Moreover, the continuation of the marriage after an affair is the business of the married couple alone. The opinions of others is irrelevant. It is the wife’s choice, and hers alone, to either divorce or take back her husband.

        On top of this, forgiveness is not an option for Christians. It is commanded, and those who love God obey His commands, regardless of their own desires. Even if the marriage ends in divorce, forgiveness is still necessary.

        So yes, really!

  5. amy says:January 24, 2015 at 5:29 AM

    As the wife who was cheated on…. if my husband didn’t cut ties 100% there would of been no reconciliation. I don’t care what or how this woman feels. I know my husband played a huge role in the affair, however she knew he was married. Like I told her… what kind of woman goes after a married man? I don’t care if they say it’s a rocky relationship or not! No woman should knowingly go after a man who hasn’t even filed for divorce. It honestly disgusts me! as for my husband’s affair partner, I don’t care what she is going through, she chose to open her legs to a married man…


    1. Ann-Marie Walsh says:March 14, 2015 at 10:51 PM

      Exactly. I don’t understand how anyone can pursue another while they’re in a relationship .
      People have no morals pride or respect for those behaviours to conduct.
      In saying that they trust noone and feel that people are like them therfore they are lonley miserable people with no soul.
      I will never lower myself to be anything like that and i have been cheated on over and over and i still will not be like that.
      All you have is the person you are and they have to live with themselves.


  6. insistonhonesty says:January 24, 2015 at 5:29 AM

    That PAIN is the consequence of her affair. Unless she was married as well and her husband found out, that is the ONLY consequence of her affair.

    And she dares to think she is OWED comfort from the man who betrayed his wife and family to have an affair with her? No, ma’am – those are the consequences of YOUR decisions… of YOUR actions. Deal with them.

    The betrayed spouse is dealing with the consequences of YOUR actions. Of HIS actions. You are owed nothing. Feeling the full pain of what you have DONE – did for six years – is your penance. Deal with it.


  7. Joe says:January 24, 2015 at 6:27 AM


    I love your response. Honest and straightforward. The affair partner wanting to “soften” the breaking off of the adulterous relationship is sort of like a burglar wanting one last look around the house he’s stealing from before the police arrest him.

    From the viewpoint of the Loyal Spouse, if my Disloyal Spouse says to the Affair Partner what your letter writer wants, how can I know that the Disloyal Spouse is serious about ending that affair? There needs to be 100% commitment to restoring the marriage and that starts with completely disassociating with the adulterous relationship.

    When Jesus calls you, he wants you to respond immediately. His disciples dropped what they were doing to follow him. I forget which parable it is, but in one of Jesus’ instructions he tells about the man who wanted to go back and put his affairs in order before doing what God asked of him. Jesus said that’s not the right attitude to have.


  8. Moddie says:January 24, 2015 at 7:18 AM

    The utter gall..It’s actually like the burglar asking permission to steal one or a few more items from the loyal spouse. The betrayer’s & ap’s narcissistic nature often prevents them from seeing this or how destructive their choices are. They don’t get how devastating betrayal is. Instead, they act entitled. As usual, it’s all about them, how hard and unfair society is to judge them so harshly. They don’t want to shatter their own illusions, realize that their relationship wasn’t real but based on lies and delusions, that ultimately, the betrayer didn’t choose to stay with her. I read no remorse for the hurt she helped inflict on another, no accountability. Instead she blamed the betraying spouse for pursuing her, yet was full of self pity because of the harsh no contact…She doesn’t get that she is entitled to nothing but condemnation for her role in the sordid affair. And until she does, until she realizes the depth of the injury she helped inflict and feels real remorse and repents she can’t have a change of heart.


  9. exercisegrace says:January 24, 2015 at 7:33 AM

    The AP is owed NOTHING. You were pursued relentlessly? If you have one ounce of self-respect, that should have disgusted and insulted you. Were you really flattered? That a married man thought so little of you he wanted you to be his whore? He wanted you to stand around like a stray dog waiting for scraps to fall from the marital table?

    And then you dare to invoke the name of Jesus? Pick up your bible and read what Jesus has to say about adultery. About whores. Because it doesn’t sound to me as if you have repented of your sin. If you are still seeking an apology from this man, you don’t truly grasp the wrong you have done. Forgiveness is available to those who repent and turn from their sin. My husband has done exactly that, but he owes nothing to his ex-AP. He owes everything to me as his wife in the eyes of both God and man. He owes everything to the children who were hurt by all of this.

    You talk about decency? You showed NONE. You deserve none in return. You chose an affair. You chose to participate in the destruction of another woman’s marriage and family. You chose to hurt her children. This man’s wife and children had no say in the matter. They have been damaged by the selfish choices of two people. You stayed for six years? Again, that was your choice. He is and was a married man. He was not in a position to offer you anything, and you knew that when you signed up. Anything you received from him was STOLEN from his wife and children. YOU owe his WIFE an apology. It actually IS very simplistic. You got hurt making some very devious choices. His wife got hurt by absolutely no choice of her own, no fault of her own and no involvement of her own. She has a legal right to this man and you do not.

    Your value as a human being is NOT dependent on your affair partner, and he does not owe you anything based on that. The problem is, you didn’t envision “losing”. You wanted to walk away with someone else’s husband. Would you be pleading the name of Jesus if you had destroyed his marriage? Would you be asking him to think about his poor wife and children and show them kindness? I doubt it.


  10. tryingtotrust says:January 24, 2015 at 7:54 AM

    What about a letter of apology from the affair partner to the betrayed spouse? Pain? Sorry the pain of a breakup is NOTHING compared to the pain of finding out that your spouse has cheated. Invested six years? Yes in a man that you had no right to invest anything . You talk about supporting him what do you think us wives do??? Try investing 26 years and see how that feels. I have no sympathy. You had a choice right from the start. We the betrayed had no choice. You did what you did because you only thought about yourself. What sympathy did you have for your affair partners wife? None.


  11. Karen says:January 24, 2015 at 7:59 AM

    First off I don’t think anyone that is truly a Christian can go on for 6 years without hearing Jesus to repent and not feel a heavy burden on their heart for the wrong and the others they are hurting. Secondly if she would of done some research she would of figured out that if he had not left his wife within the first 6 months he was never going to leave her I have to BELEIVE she just thought she was so special and different that what she was doing was ok. I have had the opportunity to cheat but I choose integrity over opportunity. In so many ways you allowed yourself to be used and now you want to blame it all on your affair partner. I think you need to take a closer look at yourself and stop feeling sorry for yourself and take responsibility for your choices. Do not forget not only did u sin buy sleeping with a married Man U became a theft You stoled time and affection that belonged to his kids and his wife. You coveted your neighbors goods you didn’t treat others how you would want to be treated U did not honor your mother and father and it goes on. I guess that’s why I have such a problem with this sin cause in turn your also breaking 5 or 6 of the 10 commandments. Although I’m guessing you never saw it that way.


  12. togetherabandonned says:January 24, 2015 at 8:10 AM

    Reblogged this on scornedwifeblog and commented:
    My ex was baptized in January 1998 as an adult who studied the bible, repented, confessed that Jesus is Lord, that Jesus died on the cross for my husband’s sins and that Jesus was raised on the 3rd day. Then my husband had full-immersion baptism to receive the gift of the holy spirit. My husband prayed at the front of the church for the congregation before communion, door knocked and cold called people in malls sharing his faith and inviting them to church. He studied the bible with people, counseled people in the their marriages using the bible, taught Sunday school and led a pre-teen ministry. He never was able to love though. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. He chooses to live in sin now instead. He is sociopathic and narcissistic so I believe he will ever be able to apologize for the pain and damage he has done to me and our children however his affair partner might want to read what this affair partner feels because she is doomed to the same fate, regardless of how he treats her now.


  13. Zaza/Lovey says:January 24, 2015 at 11:22 AM

    Good answer to a very difficult letter. I so understand the pain of this woman. How about people ‘getting’ that any time they take what is not theirs it is a violation. Any other stealing lands people in jail or at least a fine.

    I married my husband with having had a full and lengthy discussion of the possibilities that lay ahead in life for us , including the temptations of infidelity and a very clear expression of what it would do to all involved in such a sin.

    He was so sure of wanting to marry me and go through life overcoming all kinds of scenarios, including this one that along with all of his other great traits I became secure in his love and intentions.

    The problem I now see more clearly is that though he had a very convincing assurance that he would never cheat he also was not interested in learning how to protect his love from temptations that would come. He did not consider how some activities and environments would eventually steal his heart away. The company he kept when he refused to continue to be in any relationship with believers. Another step away from continuing in the walk as a Christian.

    He became ‘deaf’ to all godly counsel and slipped into more and more activities and plans away from the Lord and me…and our new baby…He used his need to be ‘at work’ or engaging in building relationships with his co worker clients as a way to avoid being at home.

    He was not sure of how to be a husband and father as many aren’t and I believe knowing his past as a success in all that he achieved in other areas of his life , that he could not bear having to admit he was not fully equipped with all he needed to know about either area of life.

    In short pride and arrogance and being very good at most of his endeavors left him with an attitude that he did not need to read the Bible or to have any other influences other than those he chose for himself.

    I tried to be the best wife possible with always an eye to what I might grow and learn …I think most people who are in a relationship with Christ are more and more teachable as we are taught that we must not presume we already have “achieved” and have no need to learn and to rein our lives accordingly.

    When I discovered my husband’s infidelity the first time I was a new mother of our first child. I went to the woman and met with her . I asked her if she believed in God and that God wanted the best for her…and that the best man for her would NEVER BE another woman’s husband.

    She was repentant. I prayed with her , and a week or two later she called me to say she was leaving her job and moving away . I did not know at the time that she was also a married woman.

    My husband had a lot of things going on at that time….his mom was dying of an inoperable cancer, I had a new baby and was recovering from a c section…and his work may have seemed like the ideal refuge from the stresses that a man must learn to deal with rightly …not running from them to the many fantasy’s our world offers more and more with no apparent consequences.

    We lived on through many years with many moves and much of what were the duties and responsibilities of a husband and father were laid upon me.

    I grew up in a family I THOUGHT was normal and as most children who are not raised in a family that regards the Bible or having a relationship with Jesus Christ but is not overtly dysfunctional …I did not know what I did not know! I feel much of what is going on today in the destruction of family is due to this generational ‘lack of knowledge’ that has been replaced with the social justice humanist agenda.

    Aside from the Word of GOD , the godly , intact , family is the most dangerous of all societal building blocks to Satan’s desire to steal, kill and destroy. Husbands and Fathers are at the top of the food chain in how to dismantle every other relationship under his god ordained jurisdiction. Seems to be working as we see marriage after marriage broken by men and women having grown up under the tutelage of godless worldly examples seeming gloriously exciting .

    We went along with me taking up the slack as my mother had warned me I should do because my husband was the bread winner and working so hard and he needed me to allow that his recreation was key to his health. With this in mind he was “freed” from having to do anything around the home or with the children on weekends and evenings to pursue his own interests and pleasures.

    He would often come to me to seemingly ‘allow me ‘ to make a decision if he could go play golf or make another move of our family ….which of course was justified because his work was supporting all of us” …It placed me in a position of giving a ‘demonstration ” of love and respect for my husband by not refusing his requests.

    Work and his health became two good reasons why he felt justified to ‘go play’ or ‘go to the office’ when things at home were not in his” wheelhouse’.

    From the pulpit the stress on meeting your husband’s “needs’ became large in the minds of many women as they heard ” if you do not meet your husband’s needs there are plenty of women your husband sees everyday at work who will’

    Sexual pleasure became a ‘duty’ with a huge ‘ax’ over the head of many women . The lament of men who cheat becomes ‘ my wife is frigid ‘ without the reveal of how he has neglected her and his responsibilities at home and with family or worse …neglected to protect his wife from his carnal fleshly lust!

    Men today are surrounded by images and innuendo that challenges even the most vigilant man. Men like my husband are told that their sexuality is a ‘need’ compared to ‘air, water, and food’ and encouraged to believe that without sex they will become ill somehow. Such fables are passed around in locker rooms and board rooms as men have less and less an idea of godly manhood and how it looks.

    They are in search of their identity which can only be defined and developed by the creator as He has provided all things that are for our learning about living life and godliness and the BENEFICIAL way that HIS counsel provides and PROTECTS all that is good.

    In short men don’t know what it means for them to be men…or why they are sexual in the first place. The culture has redefined just about everything that is of value for us to be able to avoid the painful consequences of living by our flesh and feelings as Cindy has so adequately discussed here.

    Norm Wakefield of Equipping Men Ministry put it .”When a man thinks his identity is found in how many women he can ‘get’ it is a demonstration of his lack of understanding of what true manhood is. ” He goes on to explan as many other authors including the Bible have revealed that boys raised only by women for the most part are not being brought into manhood as we see the biblical model facilitates’

    It is not too far into the study of our culture’s historical departure from the father being the teacher and trainer of his children …and his sons in particular that we see generations of boys raised more and more by women …mothers, grandmothers, and many of their teachers.

    After the Industrial revolution removed many men from their homes and much of their time influencing and training up their children as the Bible indicates was to be the model of children being raised in a godly environment that children became more and more in the program of the government to mold and teach whatever the governing few had in mind for the future generation.

    Read more if you like: “The Underground History of American Education’ by John Taylor Gotto …and “Missing From Action’ by 1996 Weldon M. Hardenbrook found online here: for further info….many other books have addressed this most important aspect of what and why our culture has gone into ruin.

    Whenever we neglect the Word of God or are ignorant of how we are best able to avoid the painful choices that lead into destruction …we are left listening to the peer group or the media or whomever we may trust to teach us what only the Lord has set as truth.

    The OW is a person who has probably not known how her own lack has led her to seek her identity in whatever man she can attract and like the man who seeks to have many women attracted and under his influence to CONFIRM his manhood…women too seem to find being the OW one way to CONFIRM HER OWN IDENTITY as attractive and, in this culture, sexually superior , to the wife.

    The assault upon women has been going on for a long long time in terms of compelling women to know the godly benefits of being a wife and mother. I ran across some interesting information regarding the tearing down of the jurisdiction of the women through many ways but none more compelling than the last centuries effort to degrade the role of wife and mother in the eyes of the generations that some in power wished to exploit.

    One of the efforts made to reduce the attractiveness of being a stay at home wife and mother was through a CAMPAIGN to get women to believe they were not sufficiently fulling themSELVES by becoming a married woman. The motive actually was to get children ‘free’ for the purpose of indoctrination BUT ALSO it was aimed at MONEY!

    The idea that having only one adult in the workforce meant they were ‘missing out’ on taxable income! If women could be convinced to want to get out and get a career…that would serve the love of money in that there would be two taxable incomes AND the children would be left in the hands of ‘facilitators’ of the new order’s doctrines..

    This has been one way the devil has worked thoroughout history ..taking the young and training them …just as we see GOD had designed for children to be raised up to know HIM

    Children raised with families either with NO father or with a father who was distracted or detached would not know the things GOD designed fathers to learn from HIM and for children to learn by way of experiences with a father taught by his own relationship with the Lord ..and his ongoing example of how God loves him and works with him . Examples missing now for many who have grown up in the nanny state.

    As for cutting off the illegal relationships which have inserted themselves between God and his children …or between a man and his wife…anything that engages in this co operation with the enemy of LIFE itself…who is Jesus Christ is better seen as something any person who wants to know love and to be loving , should want to understand in order not to do such a damaging thing to others …and dangerous thing to their own life.

    The OW my husband was involved with also ‘gave’ six years of her life ‘to ‘ my husband.

    There was NOTHING he did not have at home ! He admitted this . YET what man who is clueless to the damages he does to his own life and others is going to refuse an offer of ‘free sex’ !?

    What man is going to turn down getting the ‘escape’ from the responsibilities of maturity if it is often placed in his path UNLESS he understands the ploy and the snare it is !

    Women growing up in a culture that glorifies their part as ‘mistress’ and independence sold to them from every media and peer group…are just as manipulated as men who are bombarded with the idea that man is more manly who attracts the most attractive women and gets them to fall in love. The other idea is that they are being ‘true’ to ‘love’ as long as they feel ‘love’ aka sexual toward a female.

    I think we can all see how this kind of attitude has led to many broken families. Marriages have become more like ‘going steady’ or worse…not even based upon relationship at all.

    Those who believe that they are ‘safe’ because they are loyal ought to rethink that …because it is truth that if a man is not loyal to this wife …who he once could not live without …then he WILL not remain with any woman no matter how much she believes him and showers him with getting what he wants…she just becomes another in a long line of women who think he is a ‘little darling’ who needs her sympathy and care.

    He takes advantage of her just like he did his mother, grandmother and any other female. He has grown up believing he is not to be denied and he has learned how to ‘get around ‘ the females he wants to manipulate in his life.

    The ONE obstacle in my husband’s life was that I love the Lord Jesus Christ and have since long before meeting him and marrying him determined to do all I could to learn and grow in the knowledge and relationship with Him.

    The boundaries that I was learning before and after meeting my husband were my greatest desire and I acknowledged my need to learn in all areas of my life …I thought my husband and I were on the same page. I was mistaken…deceived…and so was he.

    He was so over the top successful in all of his areas of accomplishment growing up and his own parents did not guide him nor acknowledge the Lord that the way boundaries and jurisdictions were defined …and even known …they were not understood. He refused to take his role as husband to include learning and refused to learn that he had not only the ordained position to learn and lead his wife and family in all ways ..but refused to take on the whole of what the jurisdiction involved even as he did understand it.

    The world and his flesh became his guide and it led him to give ALL of what was to only be devoted to his wife …and family …first to his co workers and clients…ultimately the corporation made the demand to serve ‘ [aka worship] their party line …or ‘lose’ his place on the corporate ladder.

    His ‘climb’ to achieve his ‘great potential’ was costly …but since it was fun and pleasant and offer him a variety of activities and companions it was the perfect ‘carrot’ to draw him away from the most awesome fulfilling life that was possible.

    He was not among those who have excuses like , his job and those he needed to engage with were his only option to success…He was already given so much…like Adam and Eve in the garden …everything they were offered was already theirs…compare the description of the trees of the garden in Chapter two with Eve’s view of them in chapter three….the same adjectives used ….and they already were ‘like god’s ‘ in that they had the opportunity to CHOOSE.

    Anyway as far as ‘cutting off ‘ the other woman I agreed for him to read a letter he had written to inform her …HE insisted that he read it alone without me around on the phone…Like a fool I agreed. In the midst of that call …which he did not make from home…I called his office and then finding he was in the ‘middle’ of his talk….I agreed to hang up! I was so conditioned to be considerate of his privacy …as I was raised to be …[in marriage this is HUGE …no spouse should demand this kind of “privacy’] .

    I had reasoned that since at the time of D DAY they had had 14 years together …and two children that I was being polite and understanding that in essence they were almost more ‘married’ in many ways that we were in our marriage!

    This was one of the things I have recognized that my upbringing had facilitated…that I had no right to knowing everything and that my husband’s workplace was to be ‘respected’ …I was also taught not to call my husband at work …my mom said I should not intrude upon his busy work day…SEE how GENERATIONAL ideas effect us !

    Anyway I did call back once I realized that I SHOULD have been privy to their conversation.
    I could not hear much and they ended the call once I was on the other line kept open.

    How stupid I was .

    He may have cut off the relationship or not …I cannot know for sure since he was a very adept liar. He did tell me that the OW had said ‘ Why didn’t you talk to me first before talking with your wife and confessing ‘ ..what she did not know was that he did not confess but was found out …purely by accident …since I so honored and ‘respected’ him that I never snooped in his things.

    He was so ‘set up’ to cheat and he was so very good at it. He knew my integrity of character and he was very good at causing me to trust that he was open about his life..even though areas were not so much having to be addressed by him as ‘off limits’ I thought I showed honor and respect by not nagging and by respecting him enough to trust what he shared.

    He was able to set me up to trust him despite the secret life he covered up so well!

    As for the OW ..she ALWAYS KNEW he would not leave me….but she wanted the kind of relationship she created with him …no strings…but yet she also deceived him into a lifetime of financial duty to her …with wanting children …as a ‘single mom by choice’ …in one of his letters he wrote to her …[it was a rough draft her therapist had encouraged her to ask him to express “where they stood” now that he had two children with her!] He admitted that SHE was the one who had talked him into having children and that he was told that she wanted to be a single mom …by choice and even had ‘researched ‘ the way to do it.

    All the while OUR family suffered GREAT loss in terms of his even caring about us and all that went on in our home. I was homeschooling…and often we were upended to show our home and sell and move..while he moved on …even twice suggesting that since I did not like moving so much …that we could ‘stay where we were and he would visit from time to time”!

    I was shocked at such a suggestion …but having neighbors whose husband lived abroad it may have become something he thought of ..or had suggested to him …in any case I told him NO! That was not how marriages worked” …I had SOME say…and often during his continued ‘busy work and recreation’ would remind him that our family was growing up and he was missing out.

    I tried to accommodate my husband in order to ‘show him love’ and out of concern for his health …not being ‘selfish’ about wanting him to give up what HE ‘needed’ …while allowing my own needs for his active presence to come last.

    This too is part of how we are ‘taught;’ by our families and culture…that somehow those things which are protective by God’s order…are ‘selfish’ …all part of a plan to dismantle and even twist the culture and the faith of some by way of social justice, humanism…and some kind of religion of selflessness to the extreme and harm of all.

    So what happened was since he told me he ‘could not kick her to the curb’ and I was not wanting anyone to get hurt despite he was willing to do just that to me ..even as he said he wanted our marriage to work ….I stood aside and did what I thought was ‘right’ for her and those children.

    Eventually he could not detach …from the children ..and I am not so sure HOW that might have been a ‘right ‘ thing in my own mind for him to do …YET going back to jurisdiction set by GOD for all our good and HIS own purpose of marriage to glorify Himself …my husband SHOULD have NOT had contact even with those children least until he could rightly deal with what he had done not just to ME …but to our children too …because his having had children for the OW ‘s desire …also was like adultery to his own children of our family.

    The deep wounds we all have were not as important to him as his own self image. With the doctrine of our day being men who abandon children as ‘dead beat dads’ …he could not deal with that being his own way ..Even though I agreed that we needed to give financial support …and he violated our whole financial stability to give her more than was called for …he could not leave off having a relationship with the children of adultery.

    This is difficult in so many ways to come to a right decision but not when you understand the whole PURPOSE of children and the way GOD intends a FATHER to influence their view of GOD and what Life is for.

    The world does not care about boundaries…jurisdictions and all kinds of borders are being broken down in our world today …all for the sake of ‘goodness’ and one world unity ..which are actually spoken of in scripture.

    Eventually my husband could not continue lying to all of us and he left the house rather than come to the point of really doing what is right by way of learning the whole truth about life, marriage, manhood, fatherhood.

    As a result he now hates the OW …has a fragmented ‘relationship ‘ as ‘father’ to the children he had with her…A very shallow ‘relationship’ with our children and no desire to even talk to me or see me…even as I have done my best to show him forgiveness and kindness and understanding …yet still holding to the way GOD has instructed us in all things..including staying faithful to my vows and encouraging him to come back to the Lord with our household open and wanting him to return.

    He only has succeeded in demonstrating the cost to all of what this sin has done…and he is teaching the children of Adultery that the sin of adultery had little if any effect of loss for them.

    They are learning to see their lives as ‘normal’ and ‘usual’ especially with the whole culture now having accepted , normalized and even attempted to legalize many sinful things which will be more costly than any involved in those things realize. The devil delights in such things…making sin appear fun and without cost…and making all things godly appear old fashioned , stade and without worth.

    The OW has a grant to go back to school for another degree…receives a good amount for ‘child support’ and has off loaded all of what is meant for her to do and learn on others.

    My husband moved out and struggles with all of our bills as he pays for his own lifestyle and the children of adultery.

    He has cut me off in terms of learning anything about our finances and does nothing in terms of household helping . He has the ‘life he has always wanted’ …a ‘separate’ life…only living trading off what he promised GOD and me and all who were present at our wedding and in truth has stolen even from the OW who thought her plans to have it all as well without having to give what marriage demands….

    She once wrote in an email I found printed out ..that she never thought of marriage but ..then she related the name of a famous mistress to a famous man who became notorious for her having been taken care of in a royal manner til the man’s death …all at the expense of the wife and children that man had…the mistress boasted of her conquest and of all that she had …even how she manipulated the man who became mentally ill …not unlikely due to such a deep dark sinful life style.

    The world mocks the idea that much of the trouble that is on the increase is due to sin…but God has set up warnings about such things and even recorded for anyone who is willing to learn how those things end up in destruction …but man today has become so convinced that there either is ‘no GOD’ or that man is god…or some such idea which is as old as Eden…that few are paying attention to WHY things are so messed up …in private lives and public.

    Sin is glorified…sympathy for the criminal is repeated even as scripture pointed out that there would come a time when ‘good” would be called “evil” and “evil” would be called “good’.

    This is a time when sin has become glorified and every man does what is ‘right’ in his own ees and ‘there is a way that seemeth right unto a man and the end thereof is DEATH”

    Not just the commonly understood death of the flesh which Adam’s disobedience and rebellion brought about upon all mankind…but death of the eternal kind as people reject truth and the provision that Jesus Christ’s life, death and resurrection have proven to be available to any who will receive and believe what He accomplished through all of that.

    God has proclaimed “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge, because you have rejected me …I have rejected [ ‘you from being king”]

    God has made THE way for man to know Him and come to Him for all wisdom that is needed to navigate this world and be ‘successful’ in not harming anyone ..himself and anyone he ‘cares’ about .

    To put the feelings of others truly ahead of ones self is noble but not outside the boundaries of one’s own jurisdiction…it is not love to cause someone else to dive into sin .

    It is not love to take what belongs to the marriage and distribute it to every solicitation for time, energy, attention, affection, and activities…all resources not only promised to the spouse before GOD but GOD will provide through a faithful keeper of those vows for every aspect.
    Marriage is a crucible which causes one to have to deny self …it grow a further godly character in right living and right giving.

    Adultery is selfish …self serving….fantasy….and vain.

    It destroys all who begin to devise an imagination through which it will urge action upon a very destructive tool of the devil to steal, kill and destroy all that was meant for our good and to the Glory of what GOD through Christ did for his church.

    A man who enters into adultery does not understand , just as proverbs proclaims..and it is to his own loss and life that he does so.

    Women who believe it flattery that a married man would pursue them ..,or pay any attention to them are demonstrating that they have little self worth…and are pursuing any way to establish that they are attractive ‘enough” to get men to pursue them!

    Both have believed a lie…and both not only destroy their own lives and ability to even KNOW what is right in order to make a life which is notably better and a better influence upon others , especially the next generation …but they go about destroying even as they may believe that they do what they think of as ‘love’ ..

    Ultimately my husband has not taken heed to wise counsel…has again acted upon his feelings and carnal understanding and is leading yet another generation to believe that there is no value in marriage and that adultery has no hurtful consequences…thus another generation that will not know how marriage works or the benefits of it to more than just the pocket book.

    Believe me when I tell you …turning from the first inklings of sin is best …but cutting off anything like adultery is REALLY the kindest ‘cut’ of all for all concerned!


  14. Gary says:January 24, 2015 at 1:40 PM

    I agree 100% I was the one who got cheated on if she did not stop all contact immediately we would be divorced now we have a honest loving beautiful relationship no ones knows unless it happens to them I was a broken man helpless lost angry bitter and I am a 8th degree black belt known as one of the toughest men in my neighborhood being cheated on was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I lost best friends and my parents and this was 10 times harder to deal with than death of loved ones we are the ones that need healing not the cheaters ty Gary


    1. betrayedin2012 says:January 24, 2015 at 2:25 PM

      Hugs Gary.. Being the “victim” of this has left me so lonely.. Best friends huh? Yea me too.. Its crazy right?! We do nothing wrong and yet its us that suffers alllllll the consequences…


  15. Zaza/Lovey says:January 24, 2015 at 4:41 PM

    I agree ….hugs and comfort to Gary , Betrayedin 2012,Cheaterswife, and all who have had to deal with this kind of CRIME against LIFE.

    I just had visit from my husband who came to help our daughters….THEIR lives have been very much impacted due to his departure….having been raised in a very different way than many of their age ….no dating …waiting upon the Lord…beautiful girls…

    Our frenquent moves have left us pretty much more isolated without a good support system even though we are outgoing in every way we have possible in church and other areas …nothing too deep …it is really REALLY difficult to move beyond this situation to make friends…sooner or later the issue of ‘where is your husband ?’ comes up …

    I am presently ‘standing ‘ for our marriage but in the mean time it is my adult children who are hindered from ‘moving on ‘ in their own lives…on one hand they see the void my husband has left in all that is needed in our home and life as something they must do. No matter what some people may think they ‘should’ do is still his ‘off loading ‘ his responsibilities that a husband has in care for his wife that he is refusing.

    I am older now and see many of my past capabilities to get out and get ‘on ‘ with my life more limited. I don’t want to see my daughters living their whole young adult life taking up my husband’s role.

    He says to just pretend he is dead! That does not help THEM in the many ways a father is needed in his daughter’s life to help her navigate her future choices. This is not the culture we live in that would even care about this . We are trying to live our lives with the idea that a woman ‘s best life is in the home as a homemaker and mother . They did not prepare for a career outside the home.

    My husband’s demonstration to them has cost them a lot in terms of believing , hoping a man who appears to be a ‘good ‘ man or even a believer is going to be trustworthy.

    My husband admits his guilt but has decided to live his life out in self imposed exile rather than come home and take up the responsibilities for living out our lives together and thus freeing and empowering our daughters to live their own lives.

    He has been very effective and active though in helping the children of the adultery to become more equipped for life and encouraging and staying involved with their lives to help them transition to adulthood!

    How is it that they matter more than our daughters do? Just because people arrive at a certain chronological age does not follow they are equipped with the information and help they need to go into life with ability to deal with the world of finance and business. He has been very adept and successful in those areas and I was a career woman before marriage the business world today is really no place my daughters nor I have any knowledge of today.

    Both daughters are talented and work at their skills…they are also considerably attractive and fit….they are good cooks and are skilled around the home but their child bearing years are passing while they are somewhat hindered by trying to do my husband’s job at home.

    I have tried to encourage them …but I also do not have employable skills and have some health issues …am long past retirement age and live with chronic pain ongoing.

    I do not want to say that people CANNOT go forward…but in our case I think that my husband is still being selfish and not just as it effects me …but our children . I think he thinks because they are over twenty one that they don’t need his imput anymore …but he did not want to take up that area of their lives at ANY time as they grew up …his work and his ‘other life’ was too important …and still is apparently.

    He says he feels that our family is too broken…and he has a better chance of being a good dad to the kids who he had with his adulteress.

    How does this send a message of value to our children …or confirm how ‘sorry’ he is for all the destruction his choices have caused?

    I told him that he is not alone in making sinful choices and that there are many mistakes made leading people to make them…but NOW is where he COULD make a big difference IF he is willing …but he is ‘sorry” but he ‘can’t ”

    So …that is HIS choice ….I still pray …but God gave us the freedom to choose and to make ourselves available to learn ..and to change..

    Apparently my husband doesn’t believe that …

    People want freedom but without accountability.


    1. betrayedin2012 says:January 25, 2015 at 2:13 PM

      Just wow… Hugs back you.. stay strong for yourself and your daughters. Remind them he’s the one losing out on know them NOT the other way around..


      1. Zaza/Lovey says:January 25, 2015 at 6:43 PM

        Thank you so much for your caring words it is very comforting to hear some encouragement as we go through this …

        I agree with you re what my husband is losing out on …indeed…those who do this are in great need of prayer for their souls…as we are for our healing …

        Looking for reconciliation to the Lord for Him….learning and developing more and more for me ….and all of our children….

        What else are we to do in this lifespan anyway!

        We will endure suffering in this world …might as well be while following Jesus …no one goes through this world without suffering…

        It “ain’t no picnic” but then we might as well make it count for something worthwhile…

        I’m no mighty overcomer by comparison to some in this world…but I am not going to just lay down in my pool of tears either…could ‘drown’ that way …

        Jesus was betrayed ….by the guys he was closest to …except John….so HE KNOWS how painful this is.

        Hugs to you dear betrayed2012…stay on Jesus…

  16. Cindy at Affaircare says:January 24, 2015 at 4:49 PM

    Hi, this is Cindy.

    Wow–apparently I struck a chord with this post. I wanted to let everyone know that we do not moderate based on “disagreeing with you.” We really believe in allowing people to disagree and discuss opposite sides in a mature, adult way–and sometimes that means we will approve comments which WE PERSONALLY do not endorse. We do edit out swear words, and if the entire comment is nothing but a flaming, personal attack we won’t approve that. Okay?

    Having said all that, I would ask everyone to keep commenting, but also bear one thing in mind: Jesus did tell us to “love our neighbors” and “love our enemies.” You may not feel warm fuzzies about someone who was Disloyal or about someone who was an Affair Partner, but our job is still to speak the truth IN LOVE and to offer HOPE through the change that can be brought about by the Holy Spirit.

    When you make a HORRIBLE mistake and it’s going to hurt your whole family, your parents, your friends and everyone you know, and you’re afraid and hurting…how would you want someone to treat you? Tell the truth? Yes. But I bet you also would appreciate it if people extended you some grace and mercy–thus, encouraging you to keep doing the right thing.



    1. exercisegrace says:January 25, 2015 at 1:57 PM


      I am all for extending grace and mercy. It is my ability to do so that has given my husband a second chance at our marriage. It is that same grace and mercy that has kept our children in an intact, two parent home instead of going through divorce (although I have ZERO judgement for those who end up walking that difficult road).

      I agree with what you say about speaking the truth in love. I agree there is always hope by repenting and seeking God’s forgiveness. But let’s not miss this: we must TRULY repent. We must seek God’s forgiveness. But I do not read repentance in this woman’s letter. Her letter is all about why she was justified in indulging in a (very) long-term affair. She does not take responsibility for her actions, she makes excuses for them.

      Worse, she is not sorrowful for the pain she caused the only innocent party in this situation, the wife. No mention of the torment the wife and children were put through. I read nothing about how much she wishes she had never done it. I have little doubt, based on her protestations of being “pursued relentlessly” and that he “came after her full throttle” that she would still be IN the affair if he hadn’t ended it. And even worse than all of that? She is only concerned about reparation for HERSELF.

      When my husband repented of his affair, he made no excuses for his wrongs. He confessed them with great sorrow. He apologized to me and our children. He told me all the ways he was going to repair the damage his choices caused. He took full and complete responsibility for the things he had done. He KNEW there were going to be consequences and he ACCEPTED THEM without complaint. This is partly how I knew his repentance was genuine. The poster above? STILL thinks only about herself, her pain, her hurt, her feelings. She goes on and ON about what she feels she is OWED. About what she feels she DESERVES.

      Let’s face it. The real problem for her? Is finding out that in the end? She meant so little that he COULD walk away without a word or thought for her. He chose his wife, his marriage and his family. He didn’t choose her. He didn’t want a relationship with her. She was a symptom of his deeper problems. She was a temporary escape. She needs to find help to deal with her feelings of shame for being a married man’s whore for six years. But she won’t be able to move beyond this in a healthy way until she fully understands how wrong her actions were, and until she truly regrets what she did.


      1. Zaza/Lovey says:January 25, 2015 at 6:18 PM

        I so appreciate what you wrote about how your husband has repented….so many are not sure what that would look like.

        Also when you said “She needs to find help to deal with her feelings of SHAME for being a married man’s …”

        I think your whole post made a very good argument that she does not appear to feel “SHAME” …at all …and perhaps that is what may be needed …hopefully whatever it takes to wake her up from the reprobate condition of her mind after so much PRACTICE of willful sin.

        We are all aware among those who are Christian that forgiveness is available and Christ paid in full for all sin …but the EFFECTS of PRACTICING sin …willfully and quenching the Holy Spirit as it would function in the life of a Christian is something that is in need of a true ‘shake up’ …

        As long as there is no sense of ‘shame ‘ or woe over a sinful lifeSTYLE …it seems that there will be no true turning in the heart/attitude…and for that she and anyone who is able to continue in sin without any real sorrow is in need of prayer for sure.

        I also see sort of a ‘list’ of the characteristics identifying when we have ‘godly sorrow’ at work in us and in those who are in need of it….

        2 Cor 7:10 For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.

        11 For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort,
        what carefulness it wrought in you,
        yea, what clearing of yourselves,
        yea, what indignation,
        yea, what fear,
        yea, what vehement desire,
        yea, what zeal,
        yea, what revenge!

        In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.

        It is not often taught in many churches HOW to recognize when godly sorrow is at work in our own lives…so much in this world has cause a lot of nuances of sin to become ‘common ‘ and ‘normalized’ but when a person comes to Christ it seems that He will work in them as long as they are willing to allow His Word to prevail and reveal to …US all things we are in need of allowing Him to teach, reprove and correct in us …

        The person who has live IN a lifestyle of sin will benefit from allowing the Word of GOD to minister to the blindness that the sins we have not ‘seen ‘ as sin as we have a walked through this increasingly corrupt world to bring us to a place where some of what we once thought ‘nothing’ of in our ignorance or immaturity of the Word of GOD and His love …NOW as those who are His disciples ‘indeed’ from continuing in the Word …find ourselves seeing things through HIS view ..and OH MY !

        So …with this person with any wounded …we are compelled to not only deal with our own pain …but to pray for our enemies….and those who persecute us …not being ‘religious’ but in obedience even through tears and gritted teeth sometimes..

        Not approving or diminishing evil nor dismissing it …but I think in prayers…I find so difficult at time ….I ask the Lord to HELP ME PRAY for those …

        I figure eventually if the people who have done such dark deeds in this life would turn to Christ in genuine sorrow…and learn from Him….they would no longer be enemies….but fellow citizens and of the household of faith.

        Having said that …we are indeed to do our utmost to compel them to this end.

        Jude 1:20 But ye, beloved, building up yourselves on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Ghost,

        21 Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.

        22 And of some have compassion,

        making a difference:

        23 And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh.

        24 Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling,[Thank you, Lord!]

        and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,

        After all those who do such things as adultery, especially for a long length of time… are in BIG TROUBLE….to be pitied, when we are able to calm down enough to realize just how trapped they have become in the lust of the flesh to their own destruction!

        God has been very definite about the end of those who refuse His provision for sin.

        We may live and endure some things in this life that will indeed make a change in this lifespan …but eternity is coming to everyone ..and those who are touched by His grace and love …we would HOPE and PRAY that they will respond with faith and turn from their sin …and be delivered.

        I am not saying it is easy …but it is what we may expect as we go on with Christ helping us overcome our sorrow, pain, anger, and a situation as Cindy said I think that puts us in a sort of sub set many will not have to go through ..

        We may have never known the challenge of this passage as we have now the opportunity to do..

        Luke 6:31 And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.

        32 For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them.

        33 And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same.

        34 And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again.

        35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.

        36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.

        Wow Lord….that is a tough one to follow ….but we continue to strive for the mark of the high calling in Christ Jesus never the less.

        Thank you for the fellow laborers here who have like sorrow in that we are not those who do not know how deeply this wounds …and we grieve for all touched by what the devil has seemed to accomplish in this foul attempt to harm those who Jesus bought with his own life, and death …His blood shed for us …YET ….we have ‘died’ and our life is hid in Christ’ !

        John 5:24 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.

        May all who decide to sin in this manner …wake up ..and quit it ..and learn the truth in Christ …In becoming Christ’s they will learn to walk circumspectly and avoid causing this pain and being wounded by their own sinful choices!

        Rev 3:19As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.

        Perhaps this too is useful

        Heb 12:11Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

        Col 3


  17. Zaza/Lovey says:January 24, 2015 at 5:01 PM

    I took so long in my comment I was really astonished to see all the posts that went on during my ‘composition’ ! At the same time I agree with Cindy …this is a really sensitive issue.

    I don’t doubt the way OW in particular feel somehow ‘entitled’ and with our culture doing all it can to legitimize what is SIN by any definition….[Even pagan kings recorded in the OT felt the fear of consequences of going “into” another man’s wife…aka Abraham’s wife…and then again in the life of some other men who thought they would be better off having their enemy think their wife was their sister!]

    Yet we live in a time when people are compelled to think there is not harm when ‘two people consent’ …but that is where their reasoning is twisted by ongoing programming.

    BTW …Adultery breaks ALL commandments because it is idolatry …breaking number one …it is not love breaking number two …and from there one every one of those BROKEN ..and bring about due consequences…

    Consequences are useful IF and WHEN a person is miserable enough AND takes personal inventory …as one person stated…when you have the holy spirit and have not ignored the urge to purge …then repentance and change of heart AND ACTION will result in personal growth and even a testimony.

    Those who refuse and persist in rebellion and self determination may even ‘succeed’ for a time ..but sooner or later …sin will find you out…

    Can’t outrun the Truth forever.


  18. CrazyKat1963 says:January 24, 2015 at 5:04 PM

    The betrayer broke it off… that is the other woman’s closure. She deserves nothing more. Unless she thought she could win him back, why would she want more contact from a liar and a cheater? It is always so amusing when the other women think that the wife is the only one being lied to. After six years, I am sure she was quite delusional. There are consequences for such actions. Everyone knows that.


  19. bamboozled1 says:January 24, 2015 at 8:07 PM

    oh please!
    where was your sympathy for his wife? what about the pain you helped cause her?

    now you want some sympathy… because youre in pain…
    next thing youre struggling to move on, and you want some closure…
    then youre lonely and you want some company…
    youre lost… and you want someone to talk to.
    you just want to be all up in it again.
    again. please. you know you shouldnt.
    the reason for the letter to cut you off is so you can get over your denial quicker… you gave him all these years and all this time? you need to go ask yourself what you thought you were doing wasting it. and why youre still wasting it.


  20. Cheaterswife says:January 25, 2015 at 9:12 AM

    I disagree with causing her actions a “mistake” she clearly admitted that she “invested six years of her life” this was NO mistake.

    When making an investment you are most definitely expecting a return, lets make no mistake, she wanted this man for herself other wise she never would have given him 6yrs of her life. She meant for him to leave his wife, children to be with her. her only remorse is that she has been kicked to the curb and was treated like a toilet and she didn’t see the flush coming!

    She ended up down the sewer like so many other wanna be, insecure, low self esteem girls who think they are someone special all because he is “sneaking” to spend time with her.

    Little did she realise she was nothing more than a gap filler. I describe these women as petrol/gas stations. No one stops by to stay, you just fill up and head on your way. You may purchase a few extras once in a while like a refreshment but they aint stopping!

    My only sympathy for her is that she was not strong enough to stand and do what was right, she had no resolve, strength in character nor morals during that whole 6yrs to say STOP!

    This is why these letters are so successful because women like this will never let go unless they get what they feel is a return on their “investment”

    She mentions suicide, that in itself is a selfish act and she no doubt would have used all these things to guilt him into staying with her.

    My question is, how can you invest in something that is not for sale???

    This is so hilarious I am laughing.

    Has she written a letter of apology to his wife? children? him? wife parents who entrusted the life of their daughter to this man? to his parents?

    This has a much wider impact than people care to realise, so lil miss I have been dumped needs to pick herself up and put herself back into her corner.

    She is deluded, I pray that when she wakes out of her self righteous coma the sobering reality of the devastation she has caused does not crush her spirit.

    God forgive her and have mercy on her soul!…

    By the way….was she crying to God like she is now when she spread her legs for a married man?

    I rest my case…….

    She made her bed and was more than happy at the time to lie in it with a married man now that the sheets need changing and the bed is one of thorns she wants help out of it.

    Another case of…….When you get what you want and don’t want what you get.


    1. exercisegrace says:January 25, 2015 at 2:02 PM


      I agree this was no mistake. She took a very calculated risk. She anticipated the married man leaving his wife for her.

      And I have to wonder, what does she REALLY want? The affair is over. His choice has been made. IF he wrote her the words she is asking for, she would just be on this or another site blithering on about how she is who he really loves, the wife is keeping him hostage because of the kids, and it would only give her hope that he has some real feelings for her when in fact, he doesn’t. He is busy focusing his energy on the woman who has the right to it: his wife.


  21. Joe says:January 25, 2015 at 2:41 PM

    I agree with ExerciseGrace and others above who note that the letter writer does not seem truly repentant. Notice how she says “Yes, I was wrong… Yes, I should have resisted” yet goes on to make excuses for what she did. I see no accountability for her actions over the course of six years.

    It reminds me of my wife after I discovered her affair. During marriage counseling and our private talks together she would say things like “You’re treating me like the bad guy… well okay, I am the bad guy, but…” and then go on to make excuses and ask for sympathy and compassion. That was three years ago, we are now separated and in the process of divorce (her choice, not mine), and she is still deeply involved with the other person (they are living together in a new house my wife bought). Unfortunately there has been no repentance and no real acknowledgment of the harm she has brought to me and our children.

    My only point in telling you that little piece of my story is that those involved in an affair are often living in their own deluded little world where only their feelings matter and they’re oblivious to the destruction they leave in their wake.

    I do agree with Cindy that we are to show grace and forgiveness, even (maybe especially) to those who wrong us, but when there is no real repentance sometimes the consequences of sin must be harsh.

    I thank God for this blog and others like it for showing me that others are going through the same thing I am. I’m just sorry that this experience is so common. The home page says there have been 600,000 visitors to this website just in the past six months. That is incredibly sad even if many are repeat visitors.


    1. Zaza/Lovey says:January 25, 2015 at 6:34 PM

      Dear Joe,

      I am so sorry that you are going through this …I am very thankful that as a man you have chosen to express what you have been going through.

      This pain is so deep and so difficult to fathom. We all have heard of people in our lifetime divorcing …but in my generation we have seen so much in terms of the culture moving to ‘no fault divorce’ in CA in the 1970’s which resulted just in my old neighborhood of ALL of the people on our street divorcing!

      The historic things that touched the family have been progressing not in any sense of ‘good’ as some who thing progressively might …but in that downward spiral of corruption and sorrow that accompany the turning from the God of the Bible to serve the flesh.

      The Bible says that the CARNAL mind …is enmity against GOD …and that is so evident as even in churches many are not turning to the Bible but to all kinds of feelings and experiences to ‘validate’ what they are willing to believe.


      What I find increasingly sorrowful are how many MOTHERS are leaving not just husbands BUT ALSO THEIR CHILDREN!

      I cannot imagine this yet here is it.

      Roman’s chapter one and so many other areas of Bible tell the depravity of how sexual sin wears away good sense…and nothing demonstrates this more than this additional step down into the pit of insanity such as this .

      God even uses the way a mother is bonded and attached to her child to demonstrate a point.

      Isa 49:15Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

      So to me is is one of those HUGE red flags about the world and age we live in presently …among others

      I pray your painful situation will have some comfort and relief as you continue to be the godly father to those children you are caring for. May the Lord relieve your sorrowing heart as you invest in the Word and in the training up of children too.

      Jhn 6:68Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.

      Psa 27:10When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

      Stay the course Joe….I am encouraged by you!


      1. Joe says:January 25, 2015 at 7:17 PM

        Thank you for your kind words, Zaza/Lovey. I too am distressed and discouraged by the trends we see in the world. We are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God, but these days it seems the world is increasingly abandoning even the pretense of a godly life. I am fearful that we are inviting God’s judgment.

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  24. Rachel says:February 12, 2015 at 10:11 AM

    I am the woman who wrote the original letter and I would like to clarify a few points. Yes, I sinned and I take full responsibility for that. I could have (and did) broken it off during those six years. I am also very aware of the pain I caused his wife and would love to apologize to her. However, I do not have any way to contact her and do not want to bring her any more pain.

    I am sorry that my letter came off as only caring about myself and my pain. That was not my intent. I can’t express well the pain that I feel for my actions and the damage I participated in. It is something I will always carry with me. In expressing my pain, I did not intend to diminish the wife’s pain or to say that my pain was greater. I know it is not.

    In my case, I did NOT expect or hope for his marriage to end. His wife is a beautiful, amazing woman and I was not hoping he would choose me over her. Our relationship actually had very little to do with sex. It was more of a long friendship that had a history in our past. Yes, we crossed the line and I am deeply sorry for that. But it was never my desire to “win” or to see his marriage end.

    I was not looking for a “return on my investment” … in fact, I wish I hadn’t used that word because I think it expressed something different than what I meant. He was a great friend and that aspect of our relationship is the one that I miss most … because I know that I/we ruined it and therefore lost it. I know some of you won’t believe that, but I feel that I need to say that not all OW end up here because they are seductresses and out to steal someone else’s man.

    I also want to clarify that I never asked for an ongoing communication with him. I understood the 100% no contact and have honored it to this day. All I was trying to say is that in that final communication, hearing that he was sorry, too, for the pain on my side would have gone a long way. I told him I was sorry… and would tell his wife if I could.

    Affairs are a horrible thing and I am not surprised by the anger expressed here. But I know (personally and from others I’ve met) that good people have them. It is both simple (we all knew better) and complicated. I think the best thing we can all do as Christians is to pray for healing everywhere for everyone.

    I appreciate the gentleness and love that Cindy showed in her response. Time has passed and I am doing better. God is bringing healing into many areas of my life and I am truly grateful.


    1. Rachel says:February 12, 2015 at 10:28 AM

      Honestly I’m afraid that my note will just anger all of you and stir up more pain. I just wanted to try to let you all know that I am repentant. I have been and will be repentant. I have been broken hearted beyond words over all of this and i pray for healing for all. I also ask for you to please pray for me if you can.


      1. Zaza/Lovey says:February 12, 2015 at 1:06 PM

        Dear Rachel,

        I don’t recall if you told me how old you are…and you have said you are a Christian. I know it has taken me many years after coming to Christ to learn many things that I did not know or did not understand.

        I DO know what you are going through to some degree. I once sinned with a man who I did not know was married and became pregnant. Yes even Christians DO commit this sin . I know that I should NOT have gotten into sexual sin and certainly was very unwise as a young woman coming out of the era where using grass was certainly wrong but unless one has been in that kind of element it would seem like a no brainer that a Christian would KNOW very well to avoid these sins like the plague!

        The hippie culture was not just on the street but also a ‘fun’ thing for college students at that time . There were many different ” kinds’ of being a hippie.

        Anyway I cannot relate how I ended up in this situation except to relate that for some the life they end up living or choices they make end up oftentimes not demonstrating the ‘kind ‘ of person they are.

        I could not continue any kind of contact with this man though he told me he and his wife were wanting me to have the baby and live with them!

        Yes I am the same woman who has now had to deal with my husband’s adultery.

        At the time of that pregnancy I had no fellowship…no one…My mom had just been left by my dad…some circumstances and kinds of influences that are not addressed and supported by anyone who has faith and is willing to help us determine how to live our lives as God would have us …will take some time .

        I was out , alone and met some people …and went to their house to have dinner …where many different and ‘interesting ‘ people were. It was a college town so meeting people I did not know and socializing was not unusual.

        I had great fantasies about the man I could be happy being with the rest of my life and marrying …but this is a mental trap built by many influences that build expectations of what kind of life we might have and what kind of man we might marry.

        These kinds of influence from our fallen world and through our ongoing building of ideals in our minds often leads to these kinds of choices …

        It is for this reason I am so persistent about learning from the Bible what GOD tells us in all areas of our lives. His word CLEANSES what we have always thought was ‘reasonable’ …and for most who have grown up in the 20th and 21st century the daydreams of a young girl do not often have any other foundation than whatever has been syphoned into their minds through many of the media channels .

        If she has not been raised to know the faith of Jesus Christ there is the knowledge of morals yet not always the way to abide by them.

        This is one of the truths I have been learning and one of the main things I appreciated about the way the Bible and Jesus Christ has been equipping me with not just knowledge but wisdom.

        Wisdom is HOW to apply what we learn …but before coming to the Lord and really learning the truths of what is really true and how to live accordingly, I was stumbling along and it took some time for me to become more among people who would come to help me learn how to live by HIS strength and to avoid sinful situations and people who I had once admired and wanted to live like.

        I was not a hippie but as a college student there was some aspect of being a hippie ‘wanna be” if not in actuality …in the sort of ‘weekend’ identity.

        All of the things people who lived like this seemed colorful and carefree…small wonder …they were ‘carefree” about everything …including relationships and of course the motto among young people who did not know Christ or have a solid sense of who they were was right from the pages of Aleister Crowely ” Do what thou wilt …love is the law’ or Anton Levy …popular satanist who coined it as ‘If it feels good do it ” and that message was all entwined throughout the age of rock and roll and many musicians wove it into the lyric content of their music.

        The Bible tells us the opposite of these satanists and the world … ” the Law [word] of God is love]”

        I grew up listening to this music…I had NO Idea that it was part of this movement to plant ideas into our heads…I don’t think some people realize the underlying messages in the music they hear today , Music is not neutral …I know I have spent many years as a professional and a student of it and when I got born again I took a great deal of time to examine how to put the Biblical truth into music.

        In truth the God of the Bible instructs us to ” live by every word of GOD’ and to put on the mind of Christ …but often times we just don’t get the point …many years of living without it before getting saved and assuming we know what the Bible has to offer causes complacency.

        The Bible is instruction in right living …but often we don’t know just how off our understanding is without having applied ourselves to reading and asking the Lord to help us understand and how to apply it.

        For me it has been a lengthy and ongoing process which has indeed brought me to understand many truths of what God’s definitions are of words…and what I need to do to follow and apply those things.

        In short we don’t know a lot of what we need to know from the Bible and not just head knowledge.

        I have spent years now studying to learn how come things have been the way they are for so many who love the Lord but still fall prey to the sin that the devil uses within our minds to urge us to set our moral compasses aside despite our wanting to do right.

        I could not enter into any kind of relationship with that man even though I was alone and pregnant. I was mortified to learn he was married but even more mortified that I had sinned sexually . Still I did not want to compound one situation by making it worse …There was NO WAY I was able to see myself as part of the very interesting ‘circus’ that these people were involved in.

        I say ‘circus’ because these people were interesting ‘ is beyond the usual use of the terms….Not only does the lie of the devil make sin ‘pleasant for a season.” he glamorizes it!

        I told this man that I COULD NOT take him up on his offer to be taken in and taken care of by he and his wife and “be a family with them ” even as he said his wife was fine with this …I told him as a Christian that I had sinned greatly and I would not enter into that and that he and his wife should not accept such a thing. It is sinful and harmful.At least I made the right decision at that point.

        I have compassion for people who fall into sin through many avenues that ‘grease the way ” .

        Use of drugs or alcohol has a lot to do with people who otherwise would not engage in such careless activity …Dramatic fantasies that glamorize sin also have a lot to do with people’s break down of morals .

        Many do not realize the way they have been programmed over many years of corrupting sinful behaviors that have numbed their senses and darkened their minds to feel anything from their consciences.

        This corruption is exactly what the God of the Bible clarifies for us if we are willing to trust Him and to learn all that we might in terms of understanding not just the moral way to live …but the reasons why it is harmful and the great and wonderful way we are given to live our lives free of falling into sin , free of going along with the flow of the crowd of the many on the road to destruction ..and free of the sorrow that comes from realizing how our sins have harmed others.

        I did not agree to continue in sin with this man …I turned instead to “face the music’ to the Lord and with His loving care I went forward in my life learning how to avoid allowing my emotions and ideas that DID NOT LINE UP with the Word …to guide me along.

        I lost the baby in a very painful miscarriage . It is grace though some would not agree. I was young college student and I would not have been equipped to do all that a child would and should have for his life.

        I could not tell my mother who had just been left by my father and I did not want her to have yet another heart break on her hands.

        Many times people who are ‘moral’ simply do not have the wisdom nor the empowering knowledge that God knows what He is talking about and in the face of our thinking that fitting in with the crowd and being accepted is what is more ‘loving’ we fall.

        The devil has many set ups for us when we have only a partial knowledge and do not have any real support for our wanting to do right even as a Christian.

        Compromises with what GOD has set forth are deadly but our culture has set up a way for people to think that it is no problem. Sin is something we don’t often think we have to think about or be bothered with learning about.

        When I came to Christ I had been so steeped in the various ‘isms’ of the day that I did not know what “sin’ was …it had been ‘erased’ from my thinking through has I said …years of not being confronted with the Word ….Eastern Mysticism had sold us that there is no such thing as ‘sin’.

        I was part of the crowd and the popular acceptance of many ways to God and spiritual ISMS of the day …

        Not knowing the truth of the Word was no excuse and certainly no help to me as I went a way or ways that ‘seemed right’ according to whatever I had read or listened to .Sin still was attractive then …and it ‘had pleasure for a season’

        Violations of my body had been sold as ‘useful’ to ‘see God’ and to ‘receive a higher level of consciousness” or as it is sold to believers in some churches today …to enter into a higher relationship with Jesus Christ!

        This is deadly …There is NO KNOWING HIM without receiving His Word as The Truth ..with meekness that the WORD taken in and digested will deliver us from ignorance and captivity to all kinds of compelling ideas and doctrine.

        Emptying the mind as is taught through ‘yoga’ and ‘meditation that opens the mind to altered states is extremely important TO SATAN who is pleased to see so many setting their Bible’s aside to go after some kind of feeling ….

        All things that appeal to our flesh are to be subjected to the scrutiny of the WORD.

        Having learned many of my lessons the HARD WAY …either by not knowing or not trusting what I was told by some more mature believers…is sad but it taught me to SEEK in the WORD and to the Lord to understand and become equipped more and more daily what He would build in my understanding.

        When I finally married I KNEW how to avoid sexual sin …I discussed this with my husband …I shared all I had been through but he did not receive it as the Bible says ..with appetite and meekness. His pride and his family background built up a wall against learning anything that would deter him from getting and taking advantage of any ‘opportunity’ to please his flesh ..himSELF.

        I learned to avoid making friendships with men not my husband …of any depth and to set aside ANYTHING that might syphon off my time and attention to my husband …and later on my children.

        I learned the meaning of ‘jurisdiction’ and I learned why the ORDER of GOD set forth for all of how we choose makes a good protective boundary for keeping our relationships safe.

        I learned that we also should concern ourselves with concern for the state of others ….how we behave so that we do not encourage their fantasies by luring them into thinking they have any possible position in our lives which will cause THEM LOSS,’

        Alcohol was one of the keys to how my husband began to lose interest in keeping his marriage vows..He was NOT an alcoholic at all but his background of socializing with others with alcohol was another way to open his mind to the possibilities of cheating without considering the cost to not just all of us but himself.

        Being unwilling to realize how to behave around women was another contribuiting factor…as he was not willing to realize that his treating them the ‘same ‘ as he did his male employees and co workers was not seen the same …and indeed ..was NOT the same. He desired to create a work ‘culture’ where people felt he was approachable…well it DID that and then some!

        His disregard for how I told him he needed to curb that combined with his not caring to keep learning and fellowshipping with believers put him in the driver-seat of situations damaging to both others and himself ..and his wife and children in particular

        This lack of understanding of God’s order and jurisdiction has been broken down over many generations and rebranded and redefined by the social engineers who have been at work for many generations to turn people from the God of the Bible and toward their own intentions as they seek to develop a population of people ‘easily led’ as one source about the changing of a culture toward Socialism put it.

        The point is that when we do not know what GOD says or care to know or THINK we ALREADY know ..we are not equipped to do what we would intend to do as ‘good’

        God is the ONLY good so the call for us to become equipped with not just the knowledge of the Bible but to ask Him to help us learn and understand it and how to apply it to all of life is our only possible way to really KNOW what HIS definition is of ‘good’ …

        If we don;t care about the fall out …for whatever reason …we have become deaf, dumb and blind and do not know it .

        The Lord tells us that we must be equipped to live IN the world ..among others but to be an influence for HIM and to not bring shame to His name…this comes about by HIS WORK in those who are willing to believe He is and believe that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

        Sinful choices are being made ‘normal’ in our times..and many are being made ‘legal” by those who have been raised to believe in their actions as necessary and loving …God tells us that those things will end in death.

        Without being born from above…or born again of incorruptible seed of His Word …landing upon a heart prepared and hungry for truth people simply want to go along to get along…Compromise of the Word has led to corruption of the Word and that ends in believing lies.

        We must take up the ‘sword of the spirit’ which is the Word of GOD and apply it to our own minds to have those things which are assumed to be truth and right dealt with as we compare what we thought seemed reasonable and right with what GOD tells us is HIS standard of truth.

        The work of the devil has always been some kind of twisting of what GOD has said in the minds of those who God has patiently waited desiring that none should perish.

        Not being taught from childhood or being trained to have a functioning conscience and a strong righteous character is how many of us have been raised…but staying that way once we realize our error…and we have been given the gospel to determine how we need the Savior …leaves the choice and the ongoing assignment from GOD to “study to who yourself approved unto GOD a WORKMAN that needs not to be ashamed , rightly dividing the Word of Truth’

        Finding a fellowship that actually does believe the Bible and does not just offer the social gospel or come kind of mixture is not as easy today in our contemporary , seeker friendly varieties of ‘church’ today but that does not mean we have to ‘starve ‘ for the Word of GOD .

        if you have a Bible you can go to the throne room of GOD and ask …James tells us we have not because we ask not and if we ask amiss …or not according to what GOD has actually SAID HE was willing and able to provide then we must not blame GOD but go back to ask Him to clarify and give us understanding.

        The culture and the world will NOT provide truth …but the god of this world who received his present function as such from Adam at the time Adam rebelled and disobeyed God’s command to keep the garden and guard it …and not to eat of the tree of the mixture …knowledge of good AND evil….that ‘god of this world’ whom Jesus did not correct when he said it was ‘delivered unto ‘ him and he had the power to offer it to anyone who would bow down and worship him…has LIMITED TIME to do his deeds…to see how many he can lure away from seeking the TRUE God who has loved us with an everlasting love…

        Who sent his only begotten Son , Jesus Christ to do what no other could do …to pay in full for the sin that has been passed down since the Fall in our flesh,..that pulls and compels us by the ‘law of sin and death’ to fall and stumble in to doing sin…THAT law has been broken and the power to disobey the law of sin that is within our flesh is ours for the learning and living in freedom.

        We are now made free from the law of sin and death but to apply this truth we need to allow GOD to instruct us through doing what HE said for us to do …TO READ, STUDY , search the scriptures to learn from HIM by His Spirit …and when we learn we need to ‘renew’ our minds with reminding ourselves of what HE has said to think, and do in the face of temptations.,

        When sin is tempting it is more difficult to turn from it if you do not realize what is at work…or how to deal with it …thus many are deceived into thinking they do not have to read the BIble THEMSELVES..

        But that is exactly the truth we need…we do not watch people eat and think our own body is full….no we have to eat food ourselves or die

        The same truth applies to the Bible…we MUST ‘eat’ the scriptures from Genesis to Revelation for it is the bread that came down from heaven.

        To get understanding makes us more able to obey …to forgive in the midst of the sorrow of rejection, disappointment , and all of the other aspects of how Adultery hurts is not of our ability truly by flesh…our carnal minds are not equipped …but with the WORD of GOD as our new perspective and with the Spirit of GOD born through our faith in Jesus Christ and learning from Him and His vehicle of the WORD to guide us and empower us …we will be enabled to obey.

        I have been delivered time and again ..yes frequent deliverance from having believed deceptions. What people do is no excuse to be disappointed in GOD …God does not control people ….The God of the Bible does not take over …people may think what they are heeding is GOD but unless what they think or are being told is confirmed in the Bible then what they think is ‘god ‘ is NOT

        When people THINK they are ‘experiencing’ GOD or that they already know what GOD is from the past being told…they DO NOT know HIM unless what they think is in line with scriptures revelation…all scripture.

        Deceived people are deceived into thinking they are not deceived!

        That is what Jesus warned HIS FOLLOWERS of …those who do not care about the Lord or learning from the Bible do not know that they are deceived and the great deceiver is hard at work to see that they stay that way.

        Dark teachings have been brought into many churches…in the forms of pagan and occult doctrines cloaked in what seems biblical to those who do not know scripture….Many false things over the years that I have recognized from having studied the WORD but also from the study of those other religious practices and faiths before coming to the Lord.

        It is a time of great deception both in and out of the church but be of good cheer …if you go to the Lord in truth and continue in His word he has said that you will be HIS disciple INDEED.

        We need to cast off the darkness and to walk in the light of the truth of HIS light which IS HIS WORD

        Other forms of light are seducing people but we do not have to buy into it because we are lonely or want fellowship with those who we may realize are not and do not want the Lord’s provision of His WOrd.

        False light is no light at all.

        To share the truth that those who come to Him will in no wise be cast out and that there is a great NEED to KNOW what the Bible has to say from our own confrontation with it …daily …is a great truth for us to escape the efforts of the god of this Word who desires to weigh those down who come to Christ with thoughts of past sins which , once confessed and abandoned by us as we walk in HIM …are no longer OURS

        God is just and faithful to forgive AND CLEANSE us from ALL unrighteousness…so we go on ..continuing in HIS words…and we will be taught by HIM…

        What a glorious truth we need today!

        We do not sorrow nor enbvy the wicked and we choose none of his ways for those are deceitful and end in much sorrow and loss …

        God Bless you as you take the Word of God to heart and study daily in His presence….not a feeling …but a condition of ongoing growth of His Word in your heart.

        Jas 1:21Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.

        1Co 7:23Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.

        Jhn 6:63It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.

        Rom 8:1There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

        Rom 8:13For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.

        Gal 5:17For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.

        2Co 10:5Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

        Jhn 8:31Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;

        He will do this when we obey this …to continue with HIM IN His WORD.

        May your desire to obey Him work in you to bring you HIS peace…not as the world offers through compromises of His Word …but through His working in you and peace with GOD will keep you through the storms of life no matter whatever else may occur.

        Blessings in Jesus Christ who loved us FIRST.

      2. Zaza/Lovey says:February 12, 2015 at 2:44 PM

        Awk…another point which came to mind.

        Not all who commit sexual sin are evil in their intent…they are oftentimes people with a high degree of compassion and concern for others and believe they are ‘helping’ or ‘relieving pain or fulfilling need” of some kind in the life of the other.

        This is a form of humanistic religious theology that people have poured over them and in them from birth many times. The moralism without the Word of GOD or the Savior…the ‘good works’ syndrome is huge in it’s ‘reward’ to feel good about what is done .

        “Helping ‘ someone else is pretty much what I see as a leap over the first commandment of God to love HIM first with ALL our heart, soul, mind and strength to try to do the second.

        To “DO ” for others oftentimes is seen as a beneficial and humanitarian way of loving others…but without the equipping that obeying the FIRST command of GOD wherein we enter into a relationship with Him as our teacher, leader, guide and savior ultimately from all sin and wrath due …it causes some to actually function as a hindrance to the salvation of others.

        When people have whatever they need in this world and enjoy some degree of acceptance and pleasure from it …why would they ever consider their need for a Savior? If they experience the joy of giving and serving apart from learning how Jesus Christ defines how all of that is to be based upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets , with Himself as the ‘chief cornerstone” setting all things in proper ‘plumb-line’ so that it is not a lifetime built on the shifting sands of opinions of this world ….then what real “Good’ is achieved?

        One of the definitions by usage and context of a word that is solidly found comparing spiritual things with spiritual …the word of GOD with the Words of GOD in usage and context ….is that what is ‘good’ is defined as GOD has defined them by way of Jesus Christ as is illustrated throughout scripture.

        There is a lot more to faith than saying we believe IN God or Jesus Christ …as He pointed out even the devils believe IN God and tremble…but we are exhorted and even command to BELIEVE GOD …to entrust and to trust HIM for all our need …for truth and understanding and wisdom.

        I know in my own life I have been stalwart in being honest …but how honest can we be if we do not claim what is truth by GOD’S definition…what is ‘reality’ is often claimed to be the truth .,,but examining those things in God’s Word by His Word…I found many ideas that I thought were truth were not …

        Also I was and am very intent upon loyalty but that too has been something used to deceive….since without the Word and understanding it by HIS guidance while studying it …I did not realize how useful this good attribute of my own character led into may areas of loyaty to those who were not good nor trustworthy!

        Wow….So I have been seeing that many of those who have been OW have been thinking that they were helping or doing good for some married man …or even a single man when it truth it was destructive to BOTH of them..

        A married man who is in lust does not need extra sex…he needs to learn the value of governing his own mind and learning how love is not about sex …it is about faithful concern that grows in his marriage as he ‘flees fornication’ and submits to God and resists the devil’ in order to protect his relationship with GOD and grow the security his wife needs so badly to learn to respect and trust him.

        The lies many OW have confessed to have believed is that ‘his wife was not giving him what he needed’ ..maybe he defined his ‘need’ by his own lustful desires he did not learn to curb …or better realize lust is SIN which will harm himself and others.

        Many OW believe that they provide a service…a solace…when a man is really meant to face his trials…and not use his escape routes of sinful choices to not learn to deal and thus grow by way of what marriage relationships really call upon a man to mature and learn from the Lord by way of seeking to find out and then do what is found in obedience to the Word.

        Many of us learned to think that if we are not married but we “love” someone then it is not oly “OK” but normal and good to ‘consummate sexually’ these feelings…those passions were not bad but they are to be only for marriage.

        Following our urges and feelings which have become enflamed due to much content which demonstrates the pleasure to us through all kinds of activities and entertainments which ‘stir the flesh’ are being thought of as what we have no control over….

        Dating came into fashion and along with it making out…which is nothing more than foreplay …exciting and awakening our sexual responses which is normal, natural and designed by GOD as GOOD…but taken out of the context of marriage it is simply leading us by our hormones and daydreams into rationalizing sin!

        It pulls as it was designed to do the single person into believing it is ‘love’ and must be fulfilled…or today many times hormones plus some kind of thing that loosens the moral boundaries in our minds as our bodies take over through the hormonal rush that GOD designed for married people to be drawn to one another …compels the clueless or taught by flesh go for it …’all that gusto’ and no ‘regrets’ is somehow the promise that fails to fulfill. and does MUCH damage to one’s capacity to think rightly.

        Thinking erroneously is compounded when sin is practiced…and soon there is no more capacity to live rightly …sin becomes normalized glamorized and desirable.

        Many think if they are not married YET that sex is no biggie and it is all just a part of being a ‘different kind of animal’ as the theory of evolution continues to pull many by their lust into this trap…”Sex is good’ ,….”it feels good’ …’therefore it is good with anyone willing ‘ …but the Bible tells the truth ..whether we believe it or not or whether the number of people who agree that sexual sin is ‘nobody’s business but their own”

        It is all lies built upon other lies gone undetected nor examined by the truth …since people now believe there is not absolute truth and they are convinced of this lie ABSOLUTELY!

        Parts of this lie is that a man will become ill or damaged if he does not have an ejaculation after he becomes aroused….a lie told in the backseat of many a parked car with steamed up window…maybe not used by some young men today …but it was indeed one of the arguments I heard,…

        Of course dating and making out and being alone with a guy was not wise nor loving ,..but it was a popular idea of how normal it was !

        So many young women who were not taught the value of modest choices to avoid entanglements of flesh …kissing and other various forms of foreplay thought of it as good …and normal ..and when the young man was aroused were often accused of being a ‘tease’ ..and with GOOD reason.

        So many cheesy lies that people have been led to think of in the face of temptation and passions aroused could have been easily avoide by simply NOT going there !

        Same with my dear hubby …he went where it was likely to tempt him..acted in ways that did not preserve his love for me …or care about the state of the OW he was attracting thinking nothing of it and not taking any responsibility to at least remove himself and others from this temptation.

        Little by little the person with NO intention of harming others or even committing sin have done all of those things which lead their flesh to lust …and then they end up justifying it since they have not thought through the wisdom of what GOD says …or sought to know ..assuming they ‘can handle it ‘ and ‘would never do such a thing’!

        God has warned us but we either do not know or don’t want to know or have bought the lie that the society knows more or better now that we are ‘modern’

        So it is …that people who are thinking their intentions are good and harmless …don’t know the half of it and don’t even understand the way they are prone to fall..the need to avoid things that slowly draw them by the cords of sin …and end up in sorrow …if not right away ..sometime down the road…

        May that sorrow then turn them to seek Christ and to understand what is the truth about all of this stuff.

        Learning about ‘starving the flesh’ …’how to avoid luring yourself or others into sin’ …’what kinds of people, associations, activities and environments to avoid and how they have been useful to deceive”

        Since one weapon of the devil is for us to think we must ‘avoid all accountability ‘ because perhaps we don’t know who is godly authority trustworthy…many are not willing to submit tot accountability of any kind….in the 60’s “trust no one over thirty’ was one of the mantras of the times…Today ‘question authority’ is big…and the useful tool has been the exposure of the feet of clay in leadership which posed as icons of trust and integrity.

        Fallen man is not our god ..nor do we want to become paranoid…but our greatest protection against deception is to KNOW what GOD has set forth for us to know and become equipped to make decisions…

        I know I have written at length…I have had over 40 years after coming to Christ to experience the losses and deceptions that abound …and to learn of the depth of God’s grace and kindness as He has patiently led me whenever I was willing to learn …and to take to heart what He had set for me to learn from His Word.

        The first challenge to Eve was God’s goodness…and rightful authority to teach, protect and guide them…”Hath God said’ was followed in a demonstration of how her mind began to think less of GOD’S authority and goodness and perfection…she spoke to the Serpent leaving out the word ‘freely’ ,.adding the word ‘touch’ and changing God’s certainty of the warning of death following disobedience …by changing HIS word from “Thou shalt surely die’ to ‘lest’

        Today many pulpits are claiming that GOD ‘s Word does not teach these ‘harsh’ truths of sin, death and hell…to the destruction of those who ARE interested in learning about GOD.

        Today many think they are a better god than the God of the Bible because false teachings have entered into their thinking and ways .

        Let us not live in being satisfied with half truths and hear say …let us take up the truth of the Word of GOD and be equipped to give and answer to those who are seeking to know and have bought what is passing for truth among those who seek to be happy and comfortable yet without truth.

        Luk 16:15 And he said unto them, Ye are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knoweth your hearts: for that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God.

        What I find to be one of those things “highly esteemed among men’ is the fleshly comfort that is coming apart from the Word in truth…compromise….

        No wonder it is stated that it is an ‘abomination in the sight of GOD” because if we become complacent and comfortable with something that only sounds good or feels good but it is revealed to be destructive to us …GOD loves us and is not at all pleased with us becoming lured to slumber with such things .

        Rom 13:11And that, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep: for now is our salvation nearer than when we believed.

        Eph 5:14Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light.

        What is written is for our learning and for us to know those things which are given to us freely because of ONE man’s righteous obedience unto death …resurrected as our own lives may be …passing from the death of this lifespan unto life due to Jesus Christ’s fulfilling all things which His Father had ordained for Him for God’s glory and our salvation sake…

        1Co 6:20For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.

        It is because HE LOVES us that he wants us not to be deceived…this world is passing away …This world is NOT HIS Kingdom …so then when we learn this ..we appreciate this truth…

        3 If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God.
        2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.
        3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.
        4 When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory.
        5 Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry:
        6 For which things’ sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience:
        7 In the which ye also walked some time, when ye lived in them.
        8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.
        9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds;
        10 And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him:
        11 Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all.
        12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;
        13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
        14 And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.
        15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.
        16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.
        17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.
        18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
        19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
        20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.
        21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
        22 Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God;
        23 And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;
        24 Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.
        25 But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done: and there is no respect of persons.

  25. Zaza/Lovey says:February 12, 2015 at 1:24 PM

    Rereading I wanted to clarify something …’not indicating the ‘kind of person they are ‘…from the standpoint of being what most people who want to live a life that does not hurt anyone …become effected by their environment or community to find less and less support to regard sinful behaviors as ‘evil’ …so engaging in sin ACTUALLY DOES reveal that we are sinners in need of a Savior …but with that statement …it is that it reveals how decieved we are to believe we are good and moral while stepping or even leaping into a sin when it presents itself.

    The cautions I had to learn was that people are not ‘born good’ in terms of how I trusted EVERYONE …and when I came to Christ I STILL trusted anyone’s declaration that they were OF Christ without any real idea how to determine this!

    I was in fact ‘no judge of character’ which might have gone a long way for me to avoid so many various traps in my life …even after becoming a Christian…maybe even ‘especially ‘ after Coming to Christ with all the ‘God is love’ rhetoric abounding ..yes God IS love but HE is also Holy…Just ..and Wise….Eastern religious influence were hard to throw off but in time as I learned from the study of scripture I have been learning how to determine what is wise in TRUTH and what is simply a desire to be wise without the knowledge of how God defines , describes and exhorts us !

    For me it has been a very long learning curve…but thankfully I have not given up …I KNOW GOD has been faithful even when I have found myself in a ditch of deception..

    All this said …forgiveness of sin for the OW does not reduce the pain and the losses…I even reminded my husband that just because SHE agreed to be involved with full knowledge in this lengthy sinful arrangement where by they BOTH were intentional to do what they KNEW would be destructive …the pain and loss still IS ….and NO man can argue that what they did was GOOD for the OW …she is STILL harmed and used up by his continuing to not consider that it is HER LIFE too …

    The wasted years for her are HUGE …even if she has yet to realize it …and her ability to make wise choices for her sake and the children she had is still hindered greatly as she has not come to Christ and been willing to learn how this cultural trend of single parenting is harmful to herself and them.

    I am not able to do any more for either of them or those children but the best thing I CAN DO and DO DO is petition the Lord to help them come out of the dark that they have been seeking to hide themselves in surrounded by temporary ‘fixes’ for a life which will eventually prove fruitless and futile…I pray they come to know Him in truth and abandon the wasteful ways they have learned to live in the fallen state and in the world which will chew them up and spit them out when it is finished with them!


  26. Shocked at Judgment from So-Called Christians says:July 25, 2016 at 9:39 PM

    Selective acceptance of comments? Not much about offering hope here, just one-sided condemnation that I would think is worthy of condemnation itself…


    1. Cindy at Affaircare says:July 26, 2016 at 12:46 AM


      Yes we do selectively accept comments, and as we state in our Comments Policy, it’s not based on disagreement–you can disagree with us all you want. It’s based on name-calling, lack of respect, or essentially trying to start fights. We are under no legal obligation to post everything that people write in comments, and trust me when I say that some comments contain nothing but vitrol, hatred, and swear words that blister my ears!

      I will also just let you and everyone know that in addition to doing this ministry, Dear Hubby is very ill and I care for his medical needs, and I work a full-time job, and I do all the household chores. So for example, this afternoon I reviewed some comments, then I did my profession, then I cooked dinner, then Dear Hubby and I watched a movie together. Now I’m here at 1am PT reading this comment to review it because this is when I have time.

      So, Shocked, I welcome your thoughts and look forward to interacting with you more, but please do me a favor. Please do not assume. I don’t know you. Likewise you don’t know me, Dear Hubby, or any of the other folks here in the Affaircare Community. Let’s not start off with “not approved instantly = condemnation” because that sincerely is not true, nor is that kind of treatment necessary here.



      1. Lovey says:July 26, 2016 at 2:49 AM


        I had not known how difficult your present life is . I pray your hubby will be delivered and recover quickly and your strength will be increased

        How we need the Lord!

        Your replies are full of grace and wisdom

        Had my husband been willing to learn the things that would have informed him those reasons his ceasing to deal with the OW even in HOW he stopped their adultery…he insisted upon speaking with her in the phone from his office..without me….

        Things might have been different but I was being “considerate” of the lengthy relationship they had had and the fact they had two children so I felt it would have been “intrusive” to insist upon being there

        How twisted my efforts to be considerate of him ….and her were!

        I allowed him to let her down easy

        In the end to date…he had no relationship with her …only the children but he has vacated our home and lives unto himself
        What you wrote was what I needed to hear

        I had no input or support for confirming what I believed would have been right and my rights as his wife

        I think he PC social justice ideas have really perverted what is due consideration …especially when it comes to the hurting spouse

        Thank you for helping to clarify what the marriage rights are ….and the godly expectations which would help keep stronger boundaries for the one flesh married

        Good job!

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