Monthly Archives: January 2015

Ask Affaircare: I Don’t Know What to Do Anymore

AskAffaircare

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


Our question today comes from a Disloyal Spouse who just can not break it off with the Other Person.  He writes:

Hi, I just found your site tonight and I’m really struggling.  I’m the disloyal spouse and I’m still in phone contact with the OP which is my ex fiancée.   My spouse knows about my affair, which lasted years.  I’m still very much in love with my ex, although I’ve tried to not be.  I can’t let the ex go, I’ve tried and tried over 18 yrs.  I keep flip flipping back between the both of them.   I have left my spouse a couple of times for my ex.  I am now back in the marital home since March 2014 after moving out and into my ex ‘ s place for 2 months.  My heart is with my ex, and I have a hard time being intimate with my spouse, to the point of hardly ever.  I’m very depressed over what this situation has become.  Don’t know what to do anymore.  

Unhappy in life

Dear Unhappy in life,

Actually, yes, you do know what to do. The problem is that you don’t want to! You write that you are depressed over what this situation has become, and that is quite understandable – and something you can easily overcome. But I have to make a couple of things clear. At Affaircare, we approach reality from a Christian viewpoint, which means that we understand very clearly what is right and what is wrong in this type of situation. We know the solution, and, we know that the solution is both possible and also fulfilling. This means that what we expect you to do is specific and clearly laid out by God in Scripture. Moreover, your depression is self-inflicted and as such, your choices will determine whether you continue in depression or move out of it.

The first thing I’d like to point out is that you are not acting like a man (you aren’t acting like a woman either, so do not misinterpret what I’m saying.) There is an old saying: “A man is as good as his word.” In biblical terms, this is found in Deut. 23:23 “…You shall be careful to do what has passed your lips, for you have voluntarily vowed to the Lord your God what you have promised with your mouth…”  You are only as dependable, credible, trustworthy, and respectable as your ability and desire to keep your promises, and this is something that God promises He will help His children fulfill.

In this instance, you have made a promise to your wife, and you have backed out on your promise. You have not kept your word. You are a liar. You are sinning. Of course, the idea of sin will only bother a Christian, but the rest of this appeals to nearly all walks of life. No wonder you are depressed – you know deep inside that you are a liar, untrustworthy, lack credibility, and respectability. If you didn’t feel depressed, there would be something really wrong with you!

Interestingly, feeling depressed because you realize all of these things is a good sign: your conscience is working and you know the correct path to take. You can overcome this. The fact that it bothers you is actually a good thing!

But there is more. You write that your “…heart is with my ex…”, that you are “…still very much in love with my ex…” although “…I’ve tried to not be…”  Again, it’s understandable why you would feel depressed, and let me say that there is a solution to this. Keep in mind that what you are talking about is NOT love! It is familiarity, lust, admiration, affection, and any number of other emotional states. You have chosen – even if not with explicit intention – to feel these things about a person from your past, rather than giving them to your wife. In this, you are cheating. You are not giving 100% of your loyalty and affection to the person you promised to give these things.

Love is none of the above. It is an action. It is how you treat others. You promised to love your wife – that is, to treat her in a way that is best for her – and yet the only person you are really loving right now is yourself: you are chasing after what you have determined is best for you. And you’ve shown how bad you are at even that simple activity –  you feel depressed because it isn’t working!

On top of this, there is a strong possibility that you enjoy the lure of forbidden activities. That is, you get a thrill out of cheating, out of the actual sin. Adam and Eve were tempted in the same way – and gave in the same as you. Its a very human characteristic. The one thing they were forbidden – that was the one thing they wanted most – because it was forbidden. That is fallen human nature at its strongest.

So you have chosen to give into temptation for the sake of fulfilling what makes you feel good. And this calls up the first point we brought up: a man is only as good as his word. No one says it is easy to do the right thing. Sometimes it is hard. But a real man will do what it takes, because it is the right thing to do, even if it is painful or difficult. What you have chosen, instead, is to worship your pleasure. You do what it takes to feel good – and, ironically, you find that it fails at every turn. What a surprise! You feel depressed!

Yes, you know what to do. You have three choices:

1) Stay the course, keep doing what you are doing, and quit complaining about feeling depressed. That’s the consequence of the choice you made, and no one is interested in your self pity.

2) Divorce your wife, and run to your lover. It’s almost a forgone conclusion that this will end up in failure, but this would at least free your wife from the anguish of being chained to a dishonest, cheating, self-centered fool who refuses to act with love toward her.

3) Drop your ex, turn to your spouse for forgiveness, do the right thing, and take the consequences, however painful they may be in the near future, knowing that as a real man, you are taking steps to build credibility, trustworthiness, and respecatbility. And, if you are a Christian, know that God has promised (and cannot fail) to pull you through and bless your choice. Your depression will end, and you will find life much more satisfying – once you have done the hard work

Faithfully,
David at Affaircare
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Help Your Kids Survive an Affair #4 – God Can Heal Broken Hearts [Podcast]

How do you help your kids when your spouse is having an affair?  What is the ideal? What do kids need? What are some common pitfalls that parents make? And how can God heal broken hearts–yours and theirs?

In this week’s episode, we conclude our series “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair” by discussing how God can heal broken hearts.

Verses Used in this podcast:

Proverbs 12:22Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.”

Job 27:4 “My lips certainly will not speak unjustly, Nor will my tongue mutter deceit.

Proverbs 1:8-9  “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.

Proverbs 12:18  “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Psalm 34:18  “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Hebrews 10:25  “Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Proverbs 22:6Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Ephesians 6:1-4Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

If you’d like to learn more about Affaircare join us next week when we’ll be starting an 8 week series on “The Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.”

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Help+Kids+4-Heal+Broken+Hearts.mp3]

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Ask Affaircare: How Could You Be So Heartless? Have a Little Sympathy!

AskAffaircare

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


Our question today comes from a lady who commented on our “Sample No Contact Letters” page.  She writes:

Wow … Yes, I know that we can disagree, but your response is just about the most heartless thing I’ve ever read. The truth is that the cheating partner has deeply hurt BOTH the spouse and the affair partner. In my case, I was wooed and pursued relentlessly. Yes, I should have resisted and I did try numerous times to end things from my end, but every single time, this man came after me full throttle with beautiful words, love songs, everything he knew to wear me down to opening my heart to him again.

I gave SIX YEARS of my time, my emotions, my heart, my love to this man. Yes, it was wrong and I take full responsibility for that. But to encourage men (or women) to chop someone off without ONE WORD of kindness or apology or at least a simple well wish for the future is heartless. The affair partner is a person too … there is incredible (almost life-threatening) pain on our end too. Many of us are good, loving people who made a terrible decision. I feel that the cheating partner owes us at least a tiny recognition for the fact that we hurt too. That he/she wronged us too by making promises they wouldn’t/couldn’t keep, seducing us with many thousands of hours of communication and love and affection.

In my case, I understood completely (and supported) the decision to end the affair and return to his wife. But the pain inflicted at the end (by the approach you are recommending) caused me to feel so completely worthless that I have considered suicide just to end the pain. I was tossed aside as if I were a $50 whore that he’d spent a night’s fling with … not someone who invested six years of my life, built a strong friendship above and beyond anything sexual, stood with him emotionally through some really challenging times and truly loved him.

As a Christian, I would challenge you to rethink the statement that “all empathy should be toward the spouse.” I believe it is possible to make it clear that the affair is over without dehumanizing and treating the affair partner like a worthless piece of shit. In my case, HE PURSUED ME RELENTLESSLY up until two nights before he ended things. He was pressuring me for video-chat sex two nights before … and you’re telling me that I don’t even deserve a simple acknowledgement or apology that he wronged me as well? I cannot tell you how far that would have gone to heal my heart.

I never see Jesus treating someone with such complete disregard. I agree with no contact .. but not with the detached cruelty expressed in these letters. What would be so wrong with simply saying, “I am so sorry for the pain I’ve also caused you and sincerely apologize for the selfishness that I showed in creating a relationship with you that I should not have. I hope that you will find healing from the pain that I’ve inflicted on you I wish you all of the best for your future” That simple kindness would at least acknowledge that this woman/man is a person too.

To pretend there is no emotion involved in severing a six year relationship is ludicrous. To pretend that the only woman’s heart that matters at all is the wife’s is very simplistic. This man wronged TWO women and we both deserve the decency of that pain being honored … at least with one small sentence of kindness and warmth.

PLEASE reconsider this … I have spoken to so many other “other women” who have also been devastated by this approach. The manner in which our affair was ended is truly the most crushing, demeaning thing that has ever happened to me …. even though I was wrong and sinned, I have value and worth as a human being.

Dear Ms. Have a Little Sympathy,

This is Cindy writing from Affaircare, and I wanted to respond to this one today because this issue is very important to me, personally. The first thing I do want to let you know is that I, myself, was a formerly Disloyal Spouse, so I do not write to you as if I am a blameless, perfect person. I do understand that as human beings, we do sometimes make poor choices and do the wrong thing, as I did it myself!  I also realize that often when we make a poor choice, that the consequence is excruciatingly painful. The second thing I do want to let you know is that we, at Affaircare, do not not want anyone–Loyal Spouse, Disloyal Spouse, or Affair Partner–to believe there is not HOPE. We are nouthetic counselors so that means we engage people in biblically-directed discussions so the Holy Spirit can bring about change in personality and behavior. We use the Bible, and not “psychology” or the popular opinion as our guide.

That being the case, I’d like to start this letter by talking about feelings. Feelings are the perception of a bodily state as pleasant or unpleasant; they are responses to judgments made about the environment or oneself. These judgments trigger body chemistry to orient our body to meet the situation. The body chemistry accounts for “feelings” or “emotions.” Some examples of feelings would be that you feel “happy” or “sad” or “good” or “bad.”

However, one does not “feel” inferior. That’s not an emotion brought about by body chemistry. It’s an expression of a judgment, attitude or conviction about your own self–“I AM inferior”–a conclusion reached about your own behavior, attitudes, character or capabilities. You wrote that you felt like “…a $50 whore that he’d spent a night’s fling with … not someone who invested six years of my life, built a strong friendship above and beyond anything sexual, stood with him emotionally through some really challenging times and truly loved him.” Since it is a self-judgement, though, there is HOPE because the Holy Spirit can bring about change in personality and behavior!

doing-judgment-feeling-doing

It’s important to know what a feeling is and isn’t because when the Disloyal Spouse married their Loyal Spouse, they made very specific promises such as forsaking all others. The entire point of marriage is to say to one other human being “I willingly volunteer to give you 100% of my affection and loyalty, and I willingly volunteer to spend the rest of YOUR LIFE getting to know you deeply and treating you in a loving way.” Because of this promise, Disloyal Spouses actually morally and legally have a duty to their Loyal Spouses. They do not have a moral or legal equivalent to any other human being on the planet.

Unfortunately, with Hollywood showing us that love is a “feeling”–something like “star-crossed lovers who see each other across a crowded room and overcoming all obstacles they fulfil their destiny”–most people have no idea what Real LOVE is. It’s not having another person “complete you” or having your needs met by someone. It’s definitely not looking at your lover’s spouse as an obstacle to overcome either! Real Love is not “love yourself” or “self-esteem” or supporting sin or offering sympathy by feeling bad for you. In fact, Real Love is not a “feeling”! Feelings change and are not dependable! Think about it: day-to-day you can “feel” different just because you’re hungry, tired, or it’s a time of the month. So “feelings” come and go, wax and wane, and roll in and out like the tide, but Real Love is like I Corinthians 13. Real Love is FOREVER–so it just couldn’t be talking about a “feeling.”

Real Love is the ultimate answer to all problems of living–Love is our goal, here at Affaircare! But Real Love is serving and is obedience-based. Real Love is an ACTION–a choice. Between human beings, Love is when you choose to treat another person in a loving way. Between humans and God, Love is obeying God. So if I really and truly love you, I’m not going to encourage you to continue to sin–I’m going to treat you in the most loving way I know, and that’s to encourage you and help you in every possible way to obey God. I’ll only say this once: disobeying God comes with some excruciating consequences. If you disobey and repent, that does not automatically mean that God will take away the painful consequence of the disobedience you chose! So if I love you, and I do, I will do my very best to support you in your obedience.

Finally I know you wish I would support you, and from what you wrote, I don’t think you wish I would encourage or endorse the affair. It sounds like you wish I would tell the Disloyals to send one last love letter to their Affair Partner to say goodbye…or maybe at least offer one last bit of tender kindness to someone who loved them well. I would like to let you know why I DON’T endorse that. It’s for two reasons:

1) Disloyal Spouses have a duty to their Loyal Spouse not to their Affair Partner. Now, I’m not saying that any human being has the right to treat another human being with hatred and harm, but rather that when it comes to consideration, a spouse owes 100% to the person they married. Not even 1% is theirs to give away! Think of it like a person who has had their leg caught in an explosion. There are chunks of leg still hanging there, but the damage is so extensive that the leg can not be reconstructed. So is it more compassionate to cut off the leg in one, swift slice with a scalpel? Or is it more compassionate to gradually cut off a little bit at a time every day over several days?

It’s the same here. The Disloyal Spouse gave away what was not his/hers to give. Taking it away and returning to their spouse is going to cause DEEP pain to the person they have injured (you)! You may wish he gradually cut off a little every day, but that actually just extends the pain. It’s more compassionate to have one swift cut-off and then you can be on your way to healing and learning how to live as an amputee. That’s why I encourage Disloyals to send a letter that cuts it off 100% thoroughly and that gets them back in the habit of giving 100% to their spouse again rather than prolonging the sin of giving some portion to someone else.  But make no mistake, the Disloyal’s and the Affair Partner’s choices  cause harm just like an amputation.

2) Offering “support” and “sympathy” by just feeling bad for you is not a help. A nouthetic counselor will never support sin, but rather point out biblical principles and use kind, concerned, confrontation to bring repentance, faith, and hope. The aim is HOPE through change. It’s not sympathy to stand back and feel bad for you; it is sympathy to ACT. Look at the Good Samaritan. He didn’t see the wounded man and just “feel bad for him”–he ACTED, bound his wounds AND took him to a place that could care for him AND PAID FOR IT! He showed mercy and love by acting. If I were to offer support or sympathize, that would mean there are no better options, and I’d be standing by while you suffer. Instead of standing by, I’m rolling up my sleeves and jumping in to actually offer HOPE–doing something concrete.

So I do understand that indeed you hurt tremendously and that you felt deep feelings and that losing someone you loved is very hard. But I want you the hurt to end. I want you to recover and feel “good” again, and the fastest way to do that is to encourage you to discontinue all connection with your Disloyal right away, and to return to obeying God and living in a way that pleases Him, even if it’s not easy for you.

Faithfully,

 

~Cindy J. Taylor

Help Your Kids Survive an Affair #3 – Common Pitfalls

How do you help your kids when your spouse is having an affair?  What is the ideal? What do kids need? What are some common pitfalls that parents make? And how can God heal broken hearts–yours and theirs?

In this week’s episode, we continue our series “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair” by examining examining some common pitfalls that parents make when their is a major crisis in the family. There are nine common mistakes that parents make when their children are struggling, and we go over each downfall to identify the error and make more healthy suggestions.

  • Leaning on your children as if they were peers.
  • Loyal Spouse: Speaking badly of the other parent.
  • Disloyal Spouse: Thinking your kids “will be happy for you”
  • Not allowing your kids to express their feelings.
  • Not keeping your word–lying to them so they aren’t hurt.
  • Spoiling your child to “make up for it”
  • Not taking time for touch.
  • Setting unrealistic expectations.
  • Failing to pray for your children

If you’d like to learn more about “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair,” join us next week when we’ll be discussing how God can heal broken hearts.

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Help+Kids+3-Common+Pitfalls.mp3]

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Help Your Kids Survive an Affair #2 – What Kids Need to Do

How do you help your kids when your spouse is having an affair?  What is the ideal? What do kids need? What are some common pitfalls that parents make? And how can God heal broken hearts–yours and theirs?

In this week’s episode, we continue our series “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair” by examining what kids need to do in order to deal with a parent having an affair. There are five areas in which your children will be struggling, and we go over each one of the areas to describe what they need.

  • Understand what’s going on
  • Deal with losses
  • Deal with anger
  • Deal with guilt feelings
  • Accept the finality–it will never “be the way it was”

If you’d like to learn more about “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair,” join us next week when we’ll be discussing some common pitfalls that parents make when their is a major crisis in the family.

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Help+Kids+2+What+Kids+Need+to+Do.mp3]

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Ask Affaircare: Is Showing All the Signs Proof of Infidelity?

AskAffaircare

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


Our email question today comes from a lady whose spouse thinks she is showing all the signs of infidelity.  She writes:

Since the end of spring of last year, my husband has accused me of having an affair. Although I did not, I understand that he is scared. I was on my phone a lot … playing games and he hates games, so I hid my playing from him.  …I bought new underthings, but didn’t show him. I did this because our marriage was already in trouble and I knew I was pulling away. I needed to feel better about myself, so that was one step that I took. …I had a really tough year and found myself putting up walls because I didn’t know how I was going to get through the year. These factors made him buy a GPS tracking device and a camera, and he took pictures … then accused me of cheating. Although I have been able to prove that some (most) of the things he was using as proof were not true and that he was mistaken, he still refuses to believe me. He tells me that no matter what I say, he has more proof, and that he will always believe that I had an affair. The problem is that now I don’t trust him. Not even a little. I have nothing to hide, but refuse to live like I do. We have lost friends because of this. I think he should have spoken to me about his feelings prior to going to the extremes that he chose to take. He shared with me a guide from this site titled – “All of the Signs Your Spouse May be Cheating” and told me that the signs you listed were reasons to believe my infidelity, even though he can only check off a few things. I figured if he trusts in your site so much, maybe you could give me some advice. Am I wrong for thinking he should have spoken to me about his feelings first?

On the same topic, another husband writes that his wife is showing all the signs of the infidelity:

I feel it in my gut that my wife is cheating. She gives off all almost all the lines listed above. but every time I confront her she denies it. I want to catch her on the act how can I do it.?

Dear Ms. Showing Some the Signs and Mr. She’s Showing Signs,

We are so sorry to be meeting under these circumstance of suspicion and distrust. You are both in our prayers that your marriages will be restored and filled with love and godliness. For Ms. Showing Some Signs, we bet it feels HORRIBLE to be suspected of something you didn’t do–and for Mr. She’s Showing Signs, we bet your intuition is just SCREAMING that something is wrong and you feel sick all the time. Even though you two are kind of at opposite ends of the spectrum, we have chosen to write to you both in this blog because actually your two emails address the same issue:

“If my spouse is showing some of the signs of infidelity from your page, is that proof that they are cheating?  How do you KNOW FOR SURE if your spouse is having an affair?”

We want to answer both of you, first. by quoting what’s right at the top of the page we wrote about all the signs of infidelity.  We wrote:

“These behaviors are only  indicators of a cheating spouse and are not absolutes!  If your spouse has one or two of these behaviors, and there is a legitimate reason and a mutual agreement (such as, you two talk about it and agree to try to lose weight…and they’ve gone a little obsessive about it), these signs do NOT prove infidelity.  But when you observe several, or maybe MOST, of these behaviors, your marriage may be in trouble!  Again, let me reiterate that these behaviors are only indicators of  an affair.”

These signs  do not definitively prove adultery, but even though it may not be an affair, if these signs exist, the marriage is still in trouble.  It just may not have progressed to adultery yet, and it may not be adultery at all but rather some other issues such as addiction or controlling or abuse.  But make no mistake, if more than a few of the signs are showing up–then the marriage IS in trouble!

To both Ms. Showing Some Signs and Mr. She’s Showing Signs we would specifically note that your marriages are in trouble, whether your spouses have slept with another or not.

In fact, let us start with the assumption that neither wife has  slept with anyone else. The definition of fidelity, here at Affaircare, is giving your spouse and only your spouse 100% of your affection and loyalty. Based on that definition, have they been faithful?

So we would respectfully exhort both of you to look at Matthew 7: 1-5:

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

and also to look at Luke 6: 37-42:

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” He also told them this parable: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit? The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

In both chapters, Jesus is talking, and He does not say that we are not to have discernment.  The word for “judge” there is the Greek word KRINO and it means “to pick out (choose) by separating” or “making a determination of right or wrong (innocence or guilt), especially on an official(legal) standard.”  God is the one who JUDGES–our job is to forgive, to give, and to look in our own eye and deal with the plank in our own eye!

So for both of you, we would remind you that you can not change your spouse.  The only person you can change is yourself, and even then it’s with God’s aid and not by anything you do.  HE regenerates us and thus the question becomes “What am I doing in my marriage that contributes to this rift? What do I need to change?”  Now we are not blaming the Loyal Spouse here–do not misunderstand.  What we are saying is that rather than pointing fingers at your spouse and saying “S/He needs to change!” we recommend that you look at your own self and ask yourself: “Could it be me?” “Could it be that I have some things that I need to stop doing?” “Could I be looking at this with jealousy and lack of trust?” “Is it my issue?” and if it is–deal with it!

For Ms. Showing Some Signs, even if we assumed that everything you wrote is 100% true (and let’s be honest here, no one paints themselves in a bad light, so we usually assume there are two sides to every story), there are many red flags that raise a warning.  You are hiding things from your spouse. Your spouse sounds controlling.  You are living life like a single person, not like a married person.  He is driving away your friends. You are not submissive. He is not loving. Your marriage is in big trouble! And the way to repair a marriage is not to be disrespectful and secretive and independent!

Does your spouse get every little bit of your affection, or does whoever you are playing this game with get some small percentage? If you hide your gaming from your spouse, then your loyalty is with the game (and whoever is in the game) and not with your spouse!  And faithfulness is 100% to your spouse–forsaking all others.

Now we are not saying that your spouse doesn’t have some things we would recommend he work on–in fact there are a couple things!–but in reality you need to work on you and he needs to work on him.  So right now our advice to you would be to stop playing the game.  That game is going to end your marriage–is a game worth it?  Whoever you are playing with–you’re playing with fire so end all contact, and never ever contact that person again nor play that game again.  For whatever reason, you have a weakness for or in that game that has harmed your marriage and you are going to have to stay away.

Likewise, you need to stop hiding things from your husband. That only makes it worse. We know you think that what he doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him, but that is absolutely NOT TRUE. When he discovers what you’ve been hiding (and he will because he lives with you), the damage will be magnified specifically because you hid it. Beginning today, be 100% transparent with your husband. That means LET HIM SEE THE REAL YOU. Let him know your thoughts and your feelings.  Let him know where you are going, when you’ll leave, when you’ll return, and who you will honestly be with. If you are having a tough year, turn TO YOUR HUSBAND for support and comfort…not others and not all by yourself.  You are married now and being married means that you made a promise to include and always consider another person in every decision and choice: your husband. Now he’s not supposed to “lord it over you” and control every little move you make, and if he were here we’d talk to him about that…but he’s NOT here and so we are talking to you about the things you can do to strengthen and repair the damage you’ve done!

To Mr. She’s Showing Signs, the first thing we’d caution you to remember is that the whole purpose of the “All the Signs” list is as an alert–a warning–that your spouse MAY be cheating.  MAY is the operative word.  That is to say, at this point, we can not definitively say one way or another if she is or is not.  If you go to a Disloyal Spouse and “confront” them with no proof and no knowledge of what is is or not going on and ask them if they are cheating , what do you think they’re going to do?  Tell you the truth?  No, of course not! They are lying to cover the affair and the affair partner, they are lying about where they are and what they’re doing and with whom…why would you all-of-a-sudden think they would tell the truth now?  That is an unwise course of action.

Instead we would point you to our article “Seven Steps You Can Take To End An Affair”   You need to follow these steps, in order, to give you the best opportunity to save your marriage.  Please note that the very first step is to Gather Evidence.  That means to keep an open heart–that she may be telling the truth and you’re just being jealous or suspicious–and actually investigate FACTS like a detective to either prove or disprove your possible theory.  Look at Ms. Showing Some Signs there–she has not slept with anyone, and she’s showing some of the signs you’re seeing in your own wife.  It may be that you will catch something just as it’s getting out of hand!  My point is that as you Gather Evidence, keep your heart open to WHATEVER you may discover.  It may not be physical infidelity but rather an addiction, or some other issue!  Let the facts show you the truth.

Also, bear in mind that the point of Gathering Evidence is not so you can throw down all the “proof” in front of your spouse and they will automatically cave and tell you the truth.  Nope, the point of Gathering Evidence so that YOU have enough concrete proof in YOUR MIND that you are convinced of what is true and what is not. We guarantee you no matter what concrete evidence you gather, at first your spouse will deny it.  That is what Disloyal Spouses do!  They lie!  In reality, if you walked in on your wife and another man naked in the act, that they would jump out of bed, throw on their clothes, and say, “It’s not what you think!” Right?  So the point of the Gathering Evidence is to find something that is not circumstantial, to find something that convinces you that it’s not all “in your mind” or you making a mountain out of a molehill, and then you will know how to proceed.

We have two blog posts on ways to Gather Evidence: “Low tech ways to check if your spouse is cheating” and “High Tech ways to discover if your spouse is cheating”  We personally recommend that you use both ways (low tech and high tech) to corroborate the conclusion.  After you are convinced of whatever the truth may be, you will know the truth.  If she is not cheating, and you try all the low tech and high tech ways but just find no evidence, we would say consider if there might be other issues like Ms. Showing Some Signs–issues like games that need to stop, living like a single person, or hiding things.  If that’s the case–address it!  And if you find she is cheating, then we would recommend going to Step Two in the Seven Steps and proceeding down that list in order.

Help Your Kids Survive an Affair #1 – The Ideal [Podcast]

How do you help your kids when your spouse is having an affair?  What is the ideal? What do kids need? What are some common pitfalls that parents make? And how can God heal broken hearts–yours and theirs?

In this week’s episode, we begin our series “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair” by examining the biblical ideal.  This will give us some idea of what God would like our families to be like, and help us identify areas where we’ve fallen short and need God’s help right now!

Verses in this podcast:
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Deut. 6: 1-2 “Now this is the commandment—the statutes and the rules—-that the Lord your God commanded me to teach you…so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you

Deut. 6: 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.”

Deut. 6: 6-7 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Malachi 2: 15-16Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.

Ephesians 6:4Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Psalm 34:11Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD

If you’d like to learn more about “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair,” join us next week when we’ll be discussing what kids need to do in order to deal with a parent having an affair.

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Help+Kids+1-The+Ideal.mp3]

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