Monthly Archives: December 2014

Growing Together in 2014: Affaircare’s Year in Review

HNY-2015

Now is the perfect time to pause and reflect upon the work we’ve done together this year. The purpose of this post is to showcase some of our best stuff from 2014 (and there was a lot of it!). And what about 2015? We’ll share what we have planned for Affaircare and for January and the new year.

Explosive Growth

The Affaircare Community grew in 2014–and we are so thankful!  Last year (2013) we had just 135k visitors, and this year we had 735k!!!  Our likes and comments increased exponentially, and so did our Facebook page likes, our Twitter followers , and our newsletter subscriptions.  THANKS!!

You Ask, We Listen

We try to add new ways for you to connect with or interact with us and with each other, so this past year, 2014, we released several enhancements for Affaircare.  Major highlights include our YouTube Channel, our podcast available on iTunes or Stitcher, our Affaircare App so you can stay connected while you’re mobile, and our new Affaircare Forum. We also created a new program “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You“.

Real Content

Building an online community is more than just creating a website—Affaircare needs people like you to return to our website over and over.  We offer quality content addressing all the various stages and questions about infidelity.  Providing the opportunity to engage in continual learning is a priority for Affaircare.

Our three favorite pages were:

Our most popular blog posts were:

In addition to our blog, we have added articles (“The Divorce Busting 180“), quizzes ( “Just Friends” or Infidelity? and Heart Chart), information (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy worksheet) and series like “Ask Affaircare” and “Recovering After an Affair” in 2014.

WHAT’S COMING IN 2015

In January we’ll be starting an all new series on “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair” all about the things a parent can do to help their children survive when one parent has been unfaithful.

We are going to update and improve our “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” program so that it is completely an online class you can take at your own pace.

We plan to develop a new series “Affaircare: After Divorce” to help those whose spouse had an affair and the marriage ended in divorce, even though that was not their plan.  Our ideas include addressing topics like growing, grieving, emotions, esteem, transforming, transparency, and loving again.

And in 2015 we hope to initiate a “Affaircare Gift Giveaway” program two times a year: in summer and for the holidays. We will ask fifteen of our friends and colleagues who are Christian bloggers, writers, podcasters and marriage supporters to offer you a very special gift of their choosing–a free white paper, report, PDF, ebook, or webinar–just as a way to say we appreciate you!

SO … a huge thanks to all of you: our community, partners, and team for helping us make 2014 happen. What happened in your online community this year you want to celebrate? Happy New Year from all of us at Affaircare!

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How to Survive the Holidays While Hurting [Podcast]

Surviving the holidays while hurting can seem impossible. Christmas is hard enough to deal with when life is good! When you are hurting due to a spouse’s infidelity, due to losing a job or financial issues, due to physical illness, due to personal issues such as depression, due to family issues, or for any reason, how are you supposed to survive?

In this week’s episode we finish the year with a question we are asked almost every year: “How am I supposed to have a holiday with my children when my spouse just walked out on me!  They don’t even know we have no money! WHAT DO I DO?”

Verses in this podcast:
I Peter 5:7 Cast your cares on Him for He careth for you

Matthew 6:26-34 regarding the birds of the air and the lilies of the field

Matthew 10:29-31 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny ? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Psalm 143:4 I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

Next week we’ll begin our new four-week series “Caring for Your CHILDREN When There’s Been an Affair.”  We’ll talk about the ideal: what we are supposed to be teaching our children.  We’ll itemize what children NEED when one of their parents has an affair.  We’ll get into common pitfalls parents make when one has been unfaithful.  And we’ll end on letting God heal broken hearts!

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Survive+Holidays.mp3]

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Ask Affaircare: How Do I Get through the Holidays?

AskAffaircare

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


Our email question today comes from a spouse who needs hope for the holidays, who writes:

I just read through the steps that you’ve sent me.  I just found out the truth a couple weeks ago, I’ve definitely failed in a few things. We are Christian and I’m little by little holding on to God’s promises; I’m still in shock. Definitely on a roller coaster. My failure is that I’m crying a lot; and hard to function day to day. So, my Disloyal Spouse is probably not looking at me like I’m anyone to come home to. BTW, my Disloyal came back one day after Discovery Day, and wants to work this out. So, my question is, do I ask my Disloyal to leave temporarily so I can deal with my emotions better. We have 3 children; two teenagers and one tweenager. Our oldest is coming home from college end of the week. Christmas is days away and I’m trying to rack my brain and emotions on how to have somewhat of a new normal and not destroy everyone’s Christmas because of my grief??  Hope this isn’t too much info. Just trying to cope.

Dear Hope for the Holidays,

I am so sorry that we are meeting under circumstances like this.  I’m sure it just feels impossible to deal with an affair and also deal with all the pressures of the holidays as well.  As Christmas comes around, people have SO MANY expectations and feel the pressure to have perfect travels, to have all the family get together, to get the perfect gift for everyone, to decorate perfectly, to cook perfect holiday meals, to spend more than they have, to make people happy, and to be perfect!  In real life, people are not perfect, holidays are not perfect, and spending beyond your means does not make happiness!!  So here are a few tips for you to help you get through Christmas and also cope with an affair.  Bear in mind these tips are not necessarily directly from a bible verse–they are just good, common-sense suggestions:

1) Do not ask your Disloyal Spouse to leave if they are repentant and willing to work on reconciliation. This year is going to be different than other years, and yet if your Disloyal has ended their affair, has cut off all contact with the Other Person (OP) and is actively committed to reconciliation and working hard, I would say stay in the same house and “be there” for each other.  Both of you are going to be dealing with emotions and struggling, and you can support your Disloyal, and they can support you.

If your Disloyal Spouse is still active in the affair, if they are unrepentant, if they are not committed 100% to you and the marriage, if they are still in contact with the OP, or if they not willing to work on reconciling (for example, if they are trying to rugsweep and “pretend it didn’t happen”), then I would say it may be wiser to ask your Disloyal to leave until they have ended the affair and are willing to commit 100% of their affection and loyalty to you and only you!

2) Let people know you are sad–don’t try to hide it. This is part of learning how to be transparently honest, and it’s also a lesson in letting people give to you and support you.  The truth is that you are upset.  You are struggling and hurting.  Now you don’t have to divulge every detail or use the affair to hurt or humiliate your Disloyal Spouse, but there is no reason you couldn’t let your children and/or extended family members know that this has been a tough year for you for personal reasons, and that this year you may not be as “sparkly” as you usually are. Let people see the ‘Real You’ not some fake image–that is what transparent honesty is all about: letting others in to know your real thoughts and feelings.  So practice what you expect of your Disloyal Spouse–be transparent with the people who love you–your family.

3) Ask for what you need.  Are you having a day where you just need a break–not a full stop but just a temporary halt to the merry-go-round?  Are you feeling a little insecure and a hug would help? Are you just exhausted from not being able to turn your mind off, and you need a nap?  So often we need fairly reasonable, simple things that would really help, but we expect our spouse to “just know” (somehow)! Or sometimes we just don’t know WHAT we need! This would be a great time of year to just ask for what you need. If you don’t know what you need, think about it: “What would make me feel better right now?”  My point here is that rather than expecting your spouse to read your mind, setting them up for failure, and setting yourself up for disappointment, SPEAK OUT LOUD.  Ask, “Would you be willing to give me a break?  I just need about 30 minutes to myself to re-gather my energies.”  Ask, “Would you be willing to fend off the kids so I could take a hot bath? It would really help me to relax!”  Ask, “Would you be willing to tell me 3 things about me that you love that made you want to come back to me?  I’m feeling a little insecure and I could use a little reassurance.”  Just ask!

4) Keep expectations low.  This one is SO HARD!!!  We expect so much during the Holiday Season!!  World Peace. No family fighting. Everyone getting along in a spirit of love and joy.  Endless finances. Perfect decorations.  The house stays clean all the time.  Everyone is thoughtful and finds JUST the right gift. Everyone is THRILLED when they open their present.  The cookies are golden brown or chocolatey and never ending….. AND our holiday clothing fits perfectly and no one ever gets dirty.  How can anyone do all that?  This year, you know what?  Admit your humanity.  This year, have pizza for dinner–why not!!??  Your kids will remember that Christmas FOREVER!  Stay in your jammies all day and just watch old Christmas movies together.  The point is that if you expect a quieter, lower-key Christmas, some of the pressure of those impossible expectations will give you the emotional room to deal with the affair. Plus, who ever said you couldn’t have pizza for Christmas dinner, right?

5) Make new traditions. You can see that this suggestion follows right after the previous one.  This year things just really are not “the same” and really it’s never going to be “the way it was.”  So rather than mourning the loss, why not choose to acknowledge it and celebrate it by doing some new traditions?  Some of the traditions you used to do before the affair will only serve as triggers and reminders of the painful things that occurred, but there is no law anywhere that you HAVE TO continue those triggery traditions.  So make new ones.  Do you love music and one of the things that is helping you and your Disloyal rebuild is “love of music”?  Well go to a new symphony performance or go caroling together!  There are tons of new things you can do as new traditions, and one of them might be as funny as “wait to decorate the tree until Christmas eve, and do it together as a family” or as silly as “Eat spaghetti with our fingers for Christmas dinner” or as thoughtful as “Everyone in the family donate to XYZ charity”.  Just do some new things and make one of the new traditions a way to celebrate “our first Christmas together again.”

6) Volunteer. Right now you are hyper-focused on yourself, your pain, your marriage and your family…and probably thinking about how Christmas is ruined.  But you’ve forgotten to focus on your blessings and yes, believe it or not, you have some.  So to be reminded of all that you have, go to the nearest nursing home or homeless shelter and actually spend some time there getting to know the people.  TALK to them.  Show them you care by your actions.  And when you volunteer, you’ll forget your issues as you help others.  You’ll realize you don’t have it so bad.  You’ll connect with another person who is deeply lonely and needs a friend for the holidays.  You’ll actually be acting in the spirit of the holiday!  After all, it’s not about decorating, and traveling, and dinners, and cookies and presents is it?  It’s about remembering that God was made flesh and came to this earth as a baby so that we might be reconciled to Him.  That is a MIRACLE and we celebrate THAT!!

Recovering After an Affair: Recovery Tools [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile. WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???

In this week’s episode we finish our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair, and we tell you about the Recovery Tools we recommend for couples — Myers-Briggs Personality Type, 5 Love Languages, and REBT.

If you’d like to learn about the three modes in more detail, our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity.

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Recovery+Tools.mp3]

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Ask Affaircare: I love the Lord but this time I have proof!

AskAffaircare

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


Our email question today comes from a devastated wife, who writes:

I just heard a message from another married woman specifically meant for my spouse’s ears only telling him how much she enjoyed their <intimate moment>. I told him that because of his infidelity that I am divorcing him. He has had continual affairs in our 30+ years of marriage. Never did I get any form of confirmation; but this time I have proof. I really despise the thought of my husband sleeping with other women and with me too. He’s the only one that I have ever had sex with. It hurts so bad knowing that he’s <putting my health in harm’s way> by sleeping with me and others at the same time.
I love the LORD and I want to do his will.
PLEASE HELP ME!

Dear Devastated Wife,

I am so sorry that we are meeting under circumstances like this.  A marriage of 30+ years is a long time and I’m sure you have been through the “better, worse, richer, poorer, sickness and health” that life over 30+ years gives.  Please do know that you are in our prayers.  Discovering an affair is so painful, and after such a long marriage, I’m sure it’s even worse.

So in your email you pretty much cry out for us to help you, and you do let us know that you love the Lord.  Devastated wife, I want to remind you that we can maybe give you some tips and suggestions, but that your HOPE is in the LORD… not in us.  HE can save you.  All we do is point you to Him.

So what does the Lord say in instances like this?  Well we know that God considers marriage a covenant and He takes covenants VERY seriously.  The bible verse we use here at Affaircare as our foundation verse addresses covenants: “You shall be careful to perform what goes out from your lips, just as you have voluntarily vowed to the Lord your God what you have promised.”  ~Deuteronomy 23:23.  And we’ve all heard that famous verse about God hating divorce (Malachi 2:16) but listen to the whole paragraph that verse is in!  It’s all about breaking covenant through divorce–listen to Malachi 2:10-16:

Do we not all have one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our ancestors by being unfaithful to one another?  …  Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.  You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty.  So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.

So I think we can agree that God does take the marriage covenant very seriously, even if we do not.  And He HATES IT when one of the marriage partners is unfaithful and does violence to the ones s/he should protect!  WOW!

God’s purpose for marriage is to mirror His relationship with us, for spouses to complete each other and offer companionship (Gen. 2:18), and to create a godly legacy (Deut. 6:6)…a place where children could grow up to learn values, character and integrity.  Since we are sinners, we pervert EVERYTHING, and we perverted marriage too.  Rather than our relationships with each other mirroring His perfect love for His Bride (us), our relationships are broken and we are not intimately known by our spouses and instead we desire others.  Rather than our marriages completing each other and offering companionship, our marriages are broken and we hide ourselves from each other and choose spouses based on “what’s in it for me?”  Rather than creating a godly legacy, our families are broken and our children see us living with self-centered values, no morals, and dishonesty.  Clearly we are not meeting God’s purpose for marriage!

It would be nice if we could just end this blog right here and say “There is no reason for divorce ever. Husbands are to love their wives–Wives are to respect their husbands” The End.  Wouldn’t it?  But in real life husbands are sometimes unloving, and wives are disrespectful.  In Matthew 19, Jesus was asked about this and here’s what He said (Matthew 19:1-8):

“When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They (the Pharisses) asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he (Jesus) replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” “Why then,” they (the Pharissees) asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

What can we learn from this passage?  To make it easier to understand, I made the Pharisees’ comments blue, and I made Jesus’ answers red.  The Pharisees were asking Jesus if a married man could divorce his wife for “any and every reason.”  In other words, “He’s having a cranky day and she’s not pleasing him–can he divorce her?  She’s talking back. She lost her looks. She’s critical. Can he divorce her over that?”  What did Jesus say?  He says that the Creator put them together and intended for them to become ONE (very intimate with each other physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually)…so how can you separate what God has put together?  But then the Pharisees asked a pretty good question! They said “Well why did Moses tell us we could get divorced then?”  And look at Jesus’ reply!! He says that Moses PERMITTED (not demanded, not commanded, not required) divorce because the people’s HEARTS WERE HARD!  In other words, Moses “allowed” it because the people were sinful and determined to do what displeased God!!  And then Jesus really makes it clear: “Anyone who divorces EXCEPT FOR SEXUAL IMMORALITY commits adultery.”

So from this passage we can see that if you divorce because your spouse didn’t make you happy–you are committing adultery.  If you divorce because “the two of you grew apart” that’s infidelity.  If you divorce because “sometimes mommies and daddies just stop loving each other” you are unfaithful.  But look closely: the one and only righteous exception is divorcing due to sexual immorality.  Now it does not say that if your spouse is sexually immoral that you MUST divorce them, but rather that you are permitted.  It is allowed.  Make sense?

Further, let’s look at what the Apostle Paul says.  In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t look at just one verse, but rather at the whole paragraph surrounding a verse to make sure to get context.  Okay let’s look at I Corinthians 7: 10-16 (really you could start at verse 1):

“To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.  To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”

What can we learn from this passage?  Well, do you know of a couple where one lives in “the city” and the other lives somewhere else, and they are perpetually separated and live as if they are single–dating and sleeping with anyone?  Paul makes it pretty clear that married people are not supposed to separate, unless it’s for a short time of prayer and spiritual growth, and then we are to come back together and be reconciled!  He also makes it clear that a husband isn’t supposed to destroy his marriage and family by divorcing his wife!  Then he goes into this question: “Well what if my spouse isn’t a Christian?” and he says if the non-believer wants to stay married–coolness show them God’s love through witnessing how you live!  But if the non-believer wants to divorce, what does the Apostle Paul say?  “Let it be so. The Christian brother or sister is not bound in that circumstance; God calls us to live in peace.”

So there are two instances where a divorce is “allowed” but not required: sexual immorality and if your spouse is a non-believer and wants to leave.

Now Devastated wife, you have mentioned that YOU love the Lord and want to do His will, but you do not mention if your husband claims to be a Christian, if he says he loves the Lord, or if he wants to do God’s will. I would posit that if your husband has committed adultery multiple times, it doesn’t seem like he is  repentant or acting in a way that is pleasing to God.  So if your husband IS a Christian and you are convinced that he is depending upon Jesus Christ to pay the penalty of his sin, then the first thing you would have to do is to encourage your brother in Christ to do the right thing and stop the adultery. If he has hardened his heart and will not stop doing what he knows is sin, you can use Matthew 18:15-17 for instructions on how to proceed.   We also have two resources for you: the Affaircare “Just Found Out” page and our article “Seven Steps You Can Take to End an Affair.”  You’ve already done Step 1 (Gather Evidence) and you already have proof…so start on Step 2, which matches with the verses in Matthew 18.

If you are considering divorce, I suggest that you seek God, pray about it, and take your time reaching your decision. Read God’s word and be sure to look for what GOD wants and not what you want.  I pray that my reply here has been a blessing to you.

Recovering After an Affair: Selfless, Selfish, and Self-aware Mode [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile. WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???


In this week’s episode we continue our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair, and we go over the three modes a person can be in within a relationship: Selfless Mode, Selfish Mode, or Self-aware Mode.

If you’d like to learn about the three modes in more detail, our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity.

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Selfless+Selfish+Self-aware.mp3]

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Ask Affaircare: Should I expose after the divorce is final?

AskAffaircare

 

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


 

Our email question today comes from a divorced wife, who writes:

It has been a year since I caught my husband and his mistress (also his employee). When I went to his family, they said I was being paranoid. Now it has been 7 months since our divorce has been finalized. His mistress and her husband are divorcing as well. I want to forward the personal email correspondences between my x husband and his employee to his mother. Should I? That is the only thing that is bothering me…that none of his family helped me, they made me feel crazy and paranoid. I also want to resend it to my husband and his employee and to his workplace.

 

Dear divorced wife,

You are DEFINITELY in our prayers!  We bet this has been a very painful, trying time for you working through the discovery of the affair, dealing with in-laws that did not support you, and then finalizing a divorce.  It sounds so hard!

But let’s start by saying that the step of “Exposure” in our “Steps to End an Affair” is often a step that is misunderstood.  Very often people think that exposing the affair is just going to drive their spouse further away or that it is done in a spirit of vengeance to hurt their spouse back.  But the Bible is VERY clear about being vengeful–in both the Old and New Testament God is consistent when He tells us what He wants:

Deuteronomy 32:35 says “It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.”  So in the Old Testament days, God was telling Israel that if a nation did not hear His voice and follow Him, when that evil nation sent thousands against His people, that He would be their ROCK and feed them, defend them, and avenge them.  The message was that vengeance is God’s job, not ours.

Romans 12:19 “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”  In the New Testament the Apostle Paul quotes the verse we above!  He is teaching the new Christians what Love in Action looks like, and he says  something beautiful in the verses surrounding this one:

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
 if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

WOW!  What a lesson in how to treat our spouses and their families when they are being hurtful to us!

Now, after reading all this you may be thinking, ‘Well wait! Then how does your Exposure step fit into all this?  Seems like it would be contrary to what we just read.”

If you review the steps we suggest, the first step is that if you suspect, before you go off half-cocked making accusations, that you keep an open mind and investigate to find the truth.  When a person is sinning (and adultery is sin), they usually try to cover it up with lies, deflection and hiding it, so in order to find out if the gut feeling is true, you keep your mind open to either finding proof they are faithful or they are not, and you search out facts.

The second, third and fourth steps exactly mirror the steps on dealing with sin in the Church in Matthew 18:15-17:

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.” [This is Step 2 Confront–alone, one-one-one, giving them the opportunity to deal with it honestly and discreetly.]

“But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” [This is Step 3 Disclose–tell one or two mentors, wise people that your spouse looks up to and may listen to, and give them the opportunity to deal with it as quietly as possible.]

“If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” [THIS is Step 4 Expose–and the goal of “telling it to the church” is to give them the incentive to stop an active sin and be reconciled with God and with their church family!]

It is important to note that Exposure has a very specific goal: to END AN ACTIVE AFFAIR. Yes, the Disloyal Spouse is likely to be angry, because you are not keeping their secret, and having the affair out in the open takes away some of the “fun” of their clandestine rendezvous!  But a marriage can survive anger–it can not survive active adultery!  So the goal is very clear and very focused: end an active affair. It is somewhat drastic, but often shining the light of truth on a sin that someone is trying to hide is enough motivation for them to stop!!

So to solidly answer YOUR specific question, no we do not think it would be wise or helpful at this time to send the emails to your ex-spouse’s family OR to his workplace.  That was maybe an option while you were still married in an attempt to break up the infidelity and then give you two time to save your marriage, but now, the divorce is final.  It’s been final for almost a year.  And yes, often people disappoint us and hurt us when they are not willing to stand up for the truth and do the right thing.

It sounds like his family just swept his adultery under the rug and/or accepted it, and we understand that is EXTREMELY painful to you.  But now you are no longer bound to or obligated to or part of that family.  You are free to associate with people who do love you and support you, whether they be your blood family or your Christian family.  Personally, we suggest that rather than sending out those emails, that instead you return your focus to living in a way that pleases God, and focus on people in your life who ARE loving and who have acted in a way that supports your spiritual growth.  If someone is encouraging you to seek vengeance, that is not a person who is encouraging you to mature in Christ!  So instead, let go of your ex and his mistress and his family.  Your responsibility to them has ended.  NOW your responsibility is to being the woman God intended for you to be.

 

 

Recovering After an Affair: W-T-F-S (what does that stand for?) [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile. WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???


In this week’s episode we continue our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair, and we discuss a new communication technique to help you talk to your spouse about those difficult, uncomfortable topics that NEED to be discussed.

If you’d like to learn about W-T-F-S in more detail, our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity.  And for those you listen to our show this week, here are the emotional vocabulary words:

Feeling words

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/WTFS.mp3]

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