On the occasion, I have had Disloyal Spouses ask me, “What if the grass really is greener on the other side?” when speaking of their affair. I think the answer may surprise you.
I assume that what a Disloyal Spouse is really asking is this: “What if the Affair Partner is a better match?” or “What if they are younger, make more money, or make me happier?” Something like that–wouldn’t you think? “What if I’m ‘affairing up’? Does that make any difference?”
First, there is no one perfect match for you or for anyone. You can choose someone who is exactly like you in every way and they may understand you easier and speak your Love Language, but in no way will you learn or grow or appreciate other personality types or qualities if they are exactly like you. You can choose someone who is your exact opposite in every way and they may be very hard to understand and not “get” your Love Language at all, but in every way you will learn and grow and learn to appreciate the other personality types and qualities. One way is “easier”–one is “harder” but which leads to a better person? Which is a “better match”? The best match for you may not be someone who is easy, but someone who challenges you!
Second, the vow you made was that YOU promised to spend your life learning how to love one and only one person: your spouse. Your marriage vows did not say that now this other person would love you “exactly the way you like” or “meet all your needs the rest of your life”–your vows were YOU promising to love THEM. YOU promised to investigate them the rest of your whole life…to learn to understand them…to learn what they find loving and do that…to learn what pleases them and do that…and to treat them in a loving way as long as you still draw breath. People often confuse marriage with “YAY, now I have someone to love me and meet all my needs instinctively forever,” and what it really means is that you will love someone and meet ALL THEIR NEEDS and get to know them so well that you know just what to do to love them! So if you are looking to someone else to “love you” and “make you happy” then no matter who you choose, you are going to be disappointed and break your promises to them.
Third, it’s impossible to ‘affair up’ because that is someone who has the personal values and morals that it’s okay to commit adultery. If someone is actually an honest, moral, loving, upright person, the moment they found out you were married, they would say “You have an obligation to another person, and no matter what I may think or feel, I will not be involved in that kind of dishonest behavior.” Instead, they found out you had a commitment to another and communicated to you through their actions that in their value system, it is okay to be dishonest, to betray trust, to put selfish personal needs ahead of the needs of those you love. If that is their value system, how could you possibly ‘affair up’? They may indeed be younger or have more money, but those things do not make them a better person.
Finally, let me just remind you of this: from your side of the fence it may appear as if the grass on the other side is very green and lush, but that’s because you’re thinking that you would get to take everything on your side with you to that side. In real life, that grass may look green because it’s painted (fake), because it’s astroturf (deception) or because there is a LOT of “fertilizer” over there…but there is no depth to the roots. Once you move to that side of the fence, you LOSE what you have on this side of the fence (your home, half your time with your children, any needs your spouse met, any of your spouse’s finances, your dreams of retirement or vacations, even personal items!). Then you get to the supposedly greener grass, find out it has no root, and since you now no longer have the home and the free time and the funds, the greener grass no longer wants YOU. No matter how alluring the green grass may look, there is always a cost, and the cost is EXTREMELY HIGH.
So rather than looking longingly at the grass across the fence, I have a challenge for you. Water your own lawn. Weed it. Feed it. Cultivate the grass where you are and make YOUR LAWN to lawn everyone looks at with envy. Make your own grass greener–do not go to other grass.