Monthly Archives: June 2013

Are Affairs About Sex?

People have a misguided idea that when people commit adultery, they “affair up.”  Think of the many movies we’ve seen where the good-looking, well-to-do man sees the woman of his dreams across a crowded room, and against all odds they overcome obstacles like being married because they were “meant to be.”  Think of the romance novels where the wife is a frigid nag, and the poor husband has to endure her abuse until one day he meets the young, beautiful, charming, sympathetic heroine of the story.  Or the songs about leaving to be with their “destiny”!  It’s no wonder people get the wrong message.

But,  if affairs really were about looks and money, it seems logical that the most beautiful women would have the absolutely most loyal husbands.  See these women?  They are as close to our definition of beauty here in the USA as anyone possibly achieve, and each one of these stunningly beautiful women had their husband not only cheat on them, but leave them cold!

halleberry  jennifer

76th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals by Gregg DeGuire            demi_moore

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See these men?  They are good looking, rich and powerful, and each one of them had their wives leave them cold too (or did you forget about Ben and J’lo?).

 

 RP   Ben Affleck  shaq  quaid

Affairs are not about “looks” “money” “sex” or “affairing up.”  The Other Person is not sexier, doesn’t look better, isn’t richer, and isn’t a better lover…usually.  That’s because affairs are not about improving as a person or about love!  Affairs can not be “love stories” because love literally means committing to one person and thereafter treating that person in a kind, caring way.   It’s an action, not a feeling.

In real life people usually have affairs with someone a little under them, because it makes them feel better about themselves.  Men have affairs with the secretary; women with the co-worker at work.  It’s not at all unusual for the Affair Partner to have had an affair before or to have a police record, and yet people overlook the facts in order to continue their fantasy.  And that’s because affairs are about unmet needs.  Men fall for the secretary because she listens to him like he’s interesting, she acts like she desires him, and she wants to spend time with him–she acts like she understands what he’s going through.  And women fall for the man at work because she respects him, he pursues her, he acts like he wants her and like he thinks she is smart, funny, and interesting–he acts like he understands what she’s going through.

Are affairs about sex?  99 times out of 100 the answer is “No.”

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Fathers…

Fathers Day

I’m reposting a blog I wrote for Father’s Day way back in June 2010!

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY

God has a lot to say about the fathers in our lives.  Before I go any further, let me share a few verses about fathers and children:

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  • “For the LORD detests a perverse man but takes the upright into his confidence.” (Proverbs 3:32)
  • “Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.” (Proverbs 23:22)
  • “Honesty lives confident and carefree, but Shifty is sure to be exposed.” (Proverbs 10:9 MSG)
  • “A discerning man keeps wisdom in view, but a fool’s eyes wander to the ends of the earth.” (Proverbs 17:24)
  • “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21)
  • “As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him.” (Psalm 103:13)
  • “Don’t fail to correct your children. You won’t kill them by being firm, and it may even save their lives.”(Proverbs 23:13-14 CEV)
  • “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 ESV)
  • “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.” (Proverbs 17:27)
  • “My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” (Proverbs 3:11-12)

This day and age, the role of men in families is being undermined. With access to fairly easy divorce, for no declared reason other than “we aren’t happy” children today often have men that come and go in their lives. Men often think they don’t have just as much right to custody of their own children. But children very much NEED fathers in their lives!

A father may be the male person whose DNA you carry–your biological progenitor.  A father may be a man who stepped up and raised you when your real father left your mom.  A father may be a pastor or clergyman who ministered in your life.  A father may be the guy who hung out with you and taught you what being a man REALLY was.  Fathers can be anyone from the humble bread-truck driver to a busy executive CEO–but they are the guy who guides you, teaches you, never gives up on you, and shows compassion while spending time.  Today we honor our FATHERS.  So thank the man in your life who was your mentor, adviser and model.  Let him know that he meant something to you.

Happy Father’s Day!

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Save Our Marriage Saturday — June 15th

Today is  Save Our Marriage Saturday!

We have a tradition here at Affaircare. We call it “Save Our Marriage Saturday”–and we’re sharing the love.  Link-love that is!  Every Saturday we hold a link-up party so you can share a post of your own and we can all help each other to save our marriages!

 
Please share your post on any and all things related to saving your marriage after an affair, reconciling after you committed adultery, recovering your marriage after finding out that your spouse cheated, or keeping your marriage affair-free!
 

1. Please link to your actual “Save Our Marriage Saturday” post, not just the address to your blog or site home page.

2. Please leave me a comment–I would love to visit your site, return the favor, and follow you!

3. Please share the love with your fellow bloggers–Read and leave a comment on at least the two blogs above yours.

4. Please help me spread the word. Let’s create a community of Christian believers who want to bring glory to God by teaching our brothers and sisters about how to have a godly marriage, how to avoid the typical traps that lead to infidelity, and how to be a living testimony of forgiveness and reconciliation if one spouse is unfaithful.

5. Link back to this community, either by using the button below or a text link. You can find the button code here for you to insert in your post:

HTML CODE:

 

Please click on the froggy to see the blog hop!

 

I LINK TO THESE GODLY LINK-UPS:
Beholding Glory’s Blog Hop List, No Ordinary Blog Hop: Family-Parenting-Marriage , The Alabaster Jar-Marital Oneness Mondays, Revive Your Marriage MondaysTime-Warp Wife-Titus 2sdays, …to Love, Honor and Vacuum–Wifey Wednesdays, Unveiled WifeGrace Alone/Women Taking a Stand–Thankful Thursdays, and Beholding Glory–Faith Filled Fridays.

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When people say “God is my Husband” or “Jesus is Enough”

 Heart Puzzle

I was reading “Is Jesus Really Enough?” by Lilly Grace, and her blog really got me thinking.  In fact, it inspired me so much I wanted to write about it!  

My “blog sister” Lilly Grace is in a difficult marriage–her husband reminds me of Abigail’s first husband, Nabal.  He is not loving and gentle and kind toward her, but she doesn’t give up.  I would say I’m in a difficult marriage, but not because my husband is abusive or because our marriage is sexless!  Nope, my Dear Hubby who writes here often is a WONDERFUL man and a loving husband, but my Dear Hubby is very ill and so I do have many things I have to do “by myself” where others might have their spouse to support them.  And I’m sure that many of you here who read my blog can relate–if your spouse is committing adultery, whether it’s an emotional affair or a physical affair, your marriage is DIFFICULT.  It can feel very lonely.  You may not have your spouse there for you.  Your Disloyal Spouse is probably angry, abusive, deceptive, dishonest, and hurtful.  Chances are good that your sex life is suffering, and you miss the hugs and kisses and loving physical touches.  

But I still hate it when people say cliche kind of responses like these because they don’t really HELP. I don’t need some meaningless cliche–I need some understanding, sympathy or at least something that’s actually helpful! LOL I will say one thing about these sayings though: they aren’t utterly inaccurate.

To me, when I think of “God is my husband” what I truly, honestly think of in my head is that as a woman, I want a male person to treat me with love and kindness and gentleness, and God is not a male human in flesh and blood in front of me. But when I think about marriage, I think that it is an image of the way God wants to be with us…with ME. Marriage reflects the intimate knowledge of one male person to one female person–full, deep, true KNOWING and BEING KNOWN with covenant commitment to each other. This is what God wants: He wants me to fully, deeply, truly know Him and been known by Him.  He wants covenant commitment to each other. And in that sense, He is my Husband.  

Likewise, I think of “Jesus is enough” I think of Jesus, who is fully the Maker and Creator of the Universe, but who humbled Himself and took on flesh. He was fully GOD, but he experienced the hunger, tiredness, frustration, limitation and yes physical sexual hormones and everything that comes with a human body…and He voluntarily gave Himself to torture and death to atone for us! If He can endure that for us, then yes, I can endure what physical discomforts this short time here on earth  may give me, even if it’s being horny or without sex.  After all, the point of sex is not “to relieve my horny physical itch” but to physically share in the pleasure of my spouse and serve them!  My focus in sex is on intimacy and on my spouse.  

And the last thing I think of is actually adultery, and I think of that because so often we think of our little pain or our loneliness or our lack of sex and try to justify to ourselves “Well, God would want me to be happy” or some such nonsense.  But in real life, marriage is a mirror of our relationship to God (as the Bride of Christ)…and adultery is a mirror of our relationship to God before Christ!  He loved us, as a husband loves his bride, and we “cheated” on Him by loving other gods and chasing them rather than being faithful to Him.  We were rageful, hateful, deceptive, dishonest, and followed our lusts–and despite all that, God kept His covenant with us and sent Jesus to pay the price in our place.  

So at times, the frustration and loneliness and longing for just loving physical touch can feel overwhelming and be very hard to bear–but then I think of what marriage is, what a covenant commitment means, and how God loved me (His Bride) when I was committing adultery.  And with His help, I can endure this small trial here.  

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What if the grass really is greener?

greener-grab1

 

On the occasion, I have had Disloyal Spouses ask me, “What if the grass really is greener on the other side?” when speaking of their affair.  I think the answer may surprise you.

I assume that what a Disloyal Spouse is really asking is this: “What if the Affair Partner is a better match?” or “What if they are younger, make more money, or make me happier?”  Something like that–wouldn’t you think?  “What if I’m ‘affairing up’?  Does that make any difference?”

First, there is no one perfect match for you or for anyone.  You can choose someone who is exactly like you in every way and they may understand you easier and speak your Love Language, but in no way will you learn or grow or appreciate other personality types or qualities if they are exactly like you.  You can choose someone who is your exact opposite in every way and they may be very hard to understand and not “get” your Love Language at all, but in every way you will learn and grow and learn to appreciate the other personality types and qualities.  One way is “easier”–one is “harder” but which leads to a better person?  Which is a “better match”?  The best match for you may not be someone who is easy, but someone who challenges you!

Second, the vow you made was that YOU promised to spend your life learning how to love one and only one person: your spouse.  Your marriage vows did not say that now this other person would love you “exactly the way you like” or “meet all your needs the rest of your life”–your vows were YOU promising to love THEM.  YOU promised to investigate them the rest of your whole life…to learn to understand them…to learn what they find loving and do that…to learn what pleases them and do that…and to treat them in a loving way as long as you still draw breath.  People often confuse marriage with “YAY, now I have someone to love me and meet all my needs instinctively forever,” and what it really means is that you will love someone and meet ALL THEIR NEEDS and get to know them so well that you know just what to do to love them!  So if you are looking to someone else to “love you” and “make you happy” then no matter who you choose, you are going to be disappointed and break your promises to them.

Third, it’s impossible to ‘affair up’ because that is someone who has the personal values and morals that it’s okay to commit adultery.  If someone is actually an honest, moral, loving, upright person, the moment they found out you were married, they would say “You have an obligation to another person, and no matter what I may think or feel, I will not be involved in that kind of dishonest behavior.”  Instead, they found out you had a commitment to another and communicated to you through their actions that in their value system, it is okay to be dishonest, to betray trust, to put selfish personal needs ahead of the needs of those you love.  If that is their value system, how could you possibly ‘affair up’?  They may indeed be younger or have more money, but those things do not make them a better person.

Finally, let me just remind you of this: from your side of the fence it may appear as if the grass on the other side is very green and lush, but that’s because you’re thinking that you would get to take  everything on your side with you to that side.  In real life, that grass may look green because it’s painted (fake), because it’s astroturf (deception) or because there is a LOT of “fertilizer” over there…but there is no depth to the roots.  Once you move to that side of the fence, you LOSE what you have on this side of the fence (your home, half your time with your children, any needs your spouse met, any of your spouse’s finances, your dreams of retirement or vacations, even personal items!).  Then you get to the supposedly greener grass, find out it has no root, and since you now no longer have the home and the free time and the funds, the greener grass no longer wants YOU.   No matter how alluring the green grass may look, there is always a cost, and the cost is EXTREMELY HIGH.

 

So rather than looking longingly at the grass across the fence, I have a challenge for you.  Water your own lawn.  Weed it.  Feed it.  Cultivate the grass where you are and make YOUR LAWN to lawn everyone looks at with envy.  Make your own grass greener–do not go to other grass.

 

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Save Our Marriage Saturday — June 1st

Today is  Save Our Marriage Saturday!

We have a tradition here at Affaircare. We call it “Save Our Marriage Saturday”–and we’re sharing the love.  Link-love that is!  Every Saturday we hold a link-up party so you can share a post of your own and we can all help each other to save our marriages!

Please share your post on any and all things related to saving your marriage after an affair, reconciling after you committed adultery, recovering your marriage after finding out that your spouse cheated, or keeping your marriage affair-free!

1. Please link to your actual “Save Our Marriage Saturday” post, not just the address to your blog or site home page.

2. Please leave me a comment–I would love to visit your site, return the favor, and follow you!

3. Please share the love with your fellow bloggers–Read and leave a comment on at least the two blogs above yours.

4. Please help me spread the word. Let’s create a community of Christian believers who want to bring glory to God by teaching our brothers and sisters about how to have a godly marriage, how to avoid the typical traps that lead to infidelity, and how to be a living testimony of forgiveness and reconciliation if one spouse is unfaithful.

5. Link back to this community, either by using the button below or a text link. You can find the button code here for you to insert in your post:

HTML CODE:



Please click on the froggy to see the blog hop!

I LINK TO THESE GODLY LINK-UPS:
Beholding Glory’s Blog Hop List, No Ordinary Blog Hop: Family-Parenting-Marriage , The Alabaster Jar-Marital Oneness Mondays, Revive Your Marriage MondaysTime-Warp Wife-Titus 2sdays, …to Love, Honor and Vacuum–Wifey Wednesdays, Unveiled WifeGrace Alone/Women Taking a Stand–Thankful Thursdays, and Beholding Glory–Faith Filled Fridays.

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