Menu

AFFAIRCARE

…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.

October 14, 2012 by 3 Comments

Before there can be reconciliation, there are three things that need to happen for true growth and rebuilding to occur:

  • No Contact,
  • Transparent Honesty,
  • Agreement to work on yourself and your marriage

I will write about those three topics in the Affaircare newsletter this coming weekend–Sunday October 14th!  If you want to hear more, please feel free to subscribe right there on the right sidebar.   But TODAY, the topic is how to rebuild after the affair has ended.  How do  you pick up the pieces and build a new marriage?  What steps should we take to start making a marriage that is mature, healthy, loving and happy for both of us?

Step One: Forgiveness

Step Two: Let’s talk about Commitment

Step Three: Take Some Time

Step Four: Mutual United Understanding

Step Five: W-T-F-S

Step Six: Selfless, Selfish, and Self-aware mode

Step Seven: Rebuilding Tools

Ending the affair is not enough to keep your marriage together. A marriage is hard, continual work – with equally bountiful benefits. Most things that come easy aren’t worth much, and a good marriage is evidence of this. It is quite common for a couple to believe that they have ‘something special’ and that the work other people have to do to keep their relationship happy and healthy is not necessary. These are quite often the very marriages that end in divorce. Happiness is not something that is automatically yours – you have to work to achieve it. And, just as with any other type of work, tools make that work much easier, and more productive. Not only must the affair end, but you need to build a relationship that creates an environment in which an affair seems the least necessary choice. Along with the help of a third party, there are several other tools you can use to help you work toward a better marriage.

Tool #1: Myers-Briggs Personality Type indicator

We use this as a tool with the aim of improving communication and understanding between you and your spouse.   We’ve found that one of the biggest reasons marriages end is that people do not understand their personality differences, and instead spend countless hours resenting the fact that their spouse does not do things the way they expect. We’ve heard countless arguments that ‘my husband doesn’t like my friends,’ or ‘my wife never wants to be home!’ – and after just a little investigation, we’ve found that this is a personality difference.  Understanding your spouse is the biggest tool to creating a healthy marriage. We can’t stress the importance of this tool enough.

Tool #2: Love Languages

Although there are many tools that we suggest a couple use to help rebuild their marriage, we are not the authors of every single tool. Some are just so good, we thought, “Why re-invent the wheel?”  The 5 Love Languages at www.5lovelanguages.com is such a tool.   Dr. Gary Chapman discovered there are five key categories, or five love languages, that proved to be universal and comprehensive:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Acts of Service
  • Physical Touch

Which is YOUR love language?  And which is your spouse’s love language?  Have you been showing your spouse love in YOUR love language and that’s why they haven’t “gotten the message”?

Tool #3: Love Kindlers Questionnaire 

Back in the day, you and your spouse were drawn together like magnets!  Some of HIS actions and character traits were attractive to HER…and likewise some of HER actions and character traits were attractive to HIM.  Find out which actions and which traits really kindle your spouse’s love flame and really turn it into a blaze of passion! Each one of you take this Love Kindlers Questionnaire  and share your answers with each other.  How well does your spouse do this kindler:

1) Emotional Commitment
2) Spiritual Commitment
3) Physical Commitment
4) Financial Commitment
5) Family Commitment
6) Social Commitment
7) Security Commitment

Tool #4: Love Extinguishers Questionnaire 

Have some of your actions been “extinguishing” the love flame in your marriage?  Each one of you can take this Love Extinguishers Questionnaire and share your answers with each other.  How much does you spouse extinguish the love in your heart by doing this extinguisher:

1) Emotional Neglect
2) Spiritual Neglect
3) Physical Neglect
4) Financial Neglect
5) Family Neglect
6) Social Neglect
7) Security Neglect

Happily Ever After: How to maintain an affair-free marriage
Ending the affair and rebuilding your marriage is not the end. Now  how do you live “happily ever after”?

An affair is a severe symptom of a marriage that is suffering  It is rarely, if ever, the cause of the problems in the marriage. A marriage, as a commitment between two people, is only as healthy as the work the partners put into it. Unless that work is aimed at the health of the marriage, unless that work is ongoing, the marriage will begin to suffer. You can restore your marriage from the devastation of an affair. On a practical level, in order to reach “happily ever after” you keep on building.

When you have taken the steps to end the affair, and you have worked together using all the steps to rebuild your marriage, start again. Every six months, retake the Love Kindlers and Love Extinguishers Questionnaires, and revisit your Myers-Briggs Personality types and Love Languages. You may have missed essential points or you may pick up new ones! Update your married life plan, and then work your plan together as a team.

There is no guarantee to success at ending an affair and saving your marriage, but by using the steps we’ve laid out for you here, you have the best possible chance of rebuilding a relationship that is healthy, happy and loving for both of you. In the end, isn’t that what “happily ever after” means?

This is the final post in the CMBA 1/2 Marathon Blogging Challenge to post everyday for 13 days in October … AND is part of the Ultimate Blog Challenge!

/

About these adsvar document.location.protocol”//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv”;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_theme=”wpcom_adclk_theme;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_placement=”+wpcom_adclk_slot;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_network=”wpcom_adclk_network;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_theme_network=”+wpcom_adclk_theme+”_”+wpcom_adclk_network;new Image().src = stat_gif”&baba=”Math.random();return true;}function wpcom_adclk_click() {if (wpcom_adclk_recorded) { return true; } // no double countingvar stat_gif = document.location.protocol”//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv”;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_theme=”wpcom_adclk_theme;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_placement=”+wpcom_adclk_slot;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_network=”wpcom_adclk_network;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_theme_network=”+wpcom_adclk_theme+”_”+wpcom_adclk_network;new Image().src = stat_gif”&baba=”Math.random();wpcom_adclk_recorded = true;var now=new Date(); var end=now.getTime()+250;while(true){now=new Date();if(now.getTime()>end){break;}}return true;}if ( typeof GA_googleAddAttr == ‘function’ ) {GA_googleAddAttr(“AdOpt”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Origin”, “other”);GA_googleAddAttr(“LangId”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Domain”, “affaircare.com”);GA_googleAddAttr(“BlogId”, “13071271”);GA_googleAddAttr(“PageURL”, “http://affaircare.com/2012/10/14/how-to-rebuild-after-an-affair-step-7-rebuilding-tools/”);GA_googleAddAttr(“AdSafe”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Autotag”, “religion”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “affaircare”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “christian”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “fidelity”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “love-extinguishers”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “love-kindlers”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “marriage”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “personal-reflection”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “affair”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “affaircare”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “marriage-2”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “myers-briggs-type-indicator”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “the-5-love-languages-the-secret-to-love-that-lasts”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “the-five-love-languages-how-to-express-heartfelt-commitment-to-your-mate-walker-large-print-books”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Partner”, “AOL”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_bg”, “ffffff”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_text”, “777777”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_link”, “009bc2”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_border”, “dddddd”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_url”, “009bc2”);GA_googleAddAdSensePageAttr(“google_page_url”, “http://affaircare.com/2012/10/14/how-to-rebuild-after-an-affair-step-7-rebuilding-tools/”);GA_googleFillSlot(“wpcom_below_post_adsafe”);}jQuery( window ).load( function() { if ( jQuery(“.wpa script[src*=’virool.com’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa script[src*=’shareth.ru’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa iframe[src*=’boomvideo.tv’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa iframe[src*=’viewablemedia.net’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa .sharethrough-placement”).length > 0 ) { jQuery( ‘.wpa’ ).css( ‘width’, ‘400px’ ); }setTimeout(function(){if(typeof GS_googleAddAdSenseService !== ‘function’){new Image().src=document.location.protocol+”//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv&x_noads=adblock&baba=”+Math.random()}},100);} );

Do you love it? SHARE IT!!

Categories: Christian, Fidelity, Love Extinguishers, marriage, personal reflection | Tags: , , , , , | Permalink.

3 thoughts on “How to Rebuild After an Affair: Step 7: Rebuilding Tools”

  1. Pingback: The Power of We « AFFAIRCARE

  2. Pingback: How to Rebuild After an Affair: Step 1 Forgiveness | AFFAIRCARE

  3. danie kismone
    October 3, 2013 at 8:24 PM

    my ex Brad and I broke up. I felt lost, confused and devastated and all I knew is I had to have Brad back. A piece of me was missing without him. After doing some research I found out about drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com“: The ONLY Way to Get Him Back & Create the Life Together You KNOW is Meant to be!. and I’m pleased to tell you IT WORKED!! Today, Brad and I are back together and we are more happy than ever. Our life together is everything I ever dreamed about as we are now engaged to be married in Las Vegas next year. I can’t even imagine what my life would have been like if I didn’t get Brad back. Recover My Lover was worth every penny and I highly recommend it to anyone out there looking to get an ex back in their life.” email;drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com

    Reply

Leave a Reply

GravatarEmail (required) (Address never made public)Name (required)WebsiteWordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. ( Log Out / Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s

var highlander_expando_javascript = function(){var input = document.createElement( ‘input’ ), comment = jQuery( ‘#comment’ );if ( ‘placeholder’ in input ) {comment.attr( ‘placeholder’, jQuery( ‘.comment-textarea label’ ).remove().text() );}// Expando Mode: start small, then auto-resize on first clicktext lengthjQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).hide();comment.css( { ‘height’:’10px’ } ).one( ‘focus’, function() {var timer = setInterval( HighlanderComments.resizeCallback, 10 )jQuery( this ).animate( { ‘height’: HighlanderComments.initialHeight } ).delay( 100 ).queue( function(n) { clearInterval( timer ); HighlanderComments.resizeCallback(); n(); } );jQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).slideDown();});}jQuery(document).ready( highlander_expando_javascript );

Notify me of new comments via email.

Notify me of new posts via email.

Post navigation

Affaircare Forums

Follow our blog

Subscribe to Affaircare and get tips in your email about keeping your marriage affair-free or saving your marriage after an affair!
.

Join 583 other followers

Do you want help delivered right to your inbox?

Download the Affaircare Podcast

On iTunes:
On Stitcher:

Download the Affaircare APP!

Romance Calendar

Are you 'romance-impaired'?  Do you need a little help remembering how to be romantic?  Here's one romantic idea every day!

Are you ‘romance-impaired’? Do you need a little help remembering how to be romantic? Here’s one romantic idea every day!

Prayer Requests

Chat with Affaircare

We are on Pacific Time and if we are not available to chat, it will email us!

Follow Us, Like Us, Pin Us, Link to us, Join our Circle!







Affaircare Google+ Page
Affaircare Google+ Profile

Partner Spot #1

Partner Spot #2

Partner Spot #3

Partner Spot #4

Mid Partner Spots

Mid Partner Spots

Mid Partner Spots

Mid Partner Spots

The Affaircare Feed

 RSS – Posts

Support Affaircare!

And while you’re shopping on Amazon, don’t forget our book: “Affaircare: Caring for Your Marriage After an Affair”!NetworkedBlogsBlog:AffaircareTopics: Infidelity, Marriage, Christian  Follow my blogCreative Commons License
This entire site, the articles and the blogs are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.

__________________________

AFFAIRCARE claims no credit for any images posted on this site unless otherwise noted. Images on this blog are copyright to its respectful owners. If there is an image appearing on this blog that belongs to you and do not wish for it appear on this site, please E-mail with a link to said image and it will be promptly removed

Map of our Readers

Real Time Web Analytics Clicky

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com. | The Yoko Theme.

Top/* */var WPGroHo = {“my_hash”:””};/* ]]> *///initialize and attach hovercards to all gravatarsjQuery( document ).ready( function( $ ) {if ( typeof Gravatar.init !== “function” ) {return;}Gravatar.profile_cb = function( hash, id ) {WPGroHo.syncProfileData( hash, id );};Gravatar.my_hash = WPGroHo.my_hash;Gravatar.init( ‘body’, ‘#wp-admin-bar-my-account’ );});/* */var HighlanderComments = {“loggingInText”:”Logging Inu2026″,”submittingText”:”Posting Commentu2026″,”postCommentText”:”Post Comment”,”connectingToText”:”Connecting to %s”,”commentingAsText”:”%1$s: You are commenting using your %2$s account.”,”logoutText”:”Log Out”,”loginText”:”Log In”,”connectURL”:”http://affaircare.wordpress.com/public.api/connect/?action=request”,”logoutURL”:”https://affaircare.wordpress.com/wp-login.php?action=logout&_wpnonce=b9d28b049d”,”homeURL”:”http://affaircare.com/”,”postID”:”1422″,”gravDefault”:”blank”,”enterACommentError”:”Please enter a comment”,”enterEmailError”:”Please enter your email address here”,”invalidEmailError”:”Invalid email address”,”enterAuthorError”:”Please enter your name here”,”gravatarFromEmail”:”This picture will show whenever you leave a comment. Click to customize it.”,”logInToExternalAccount”:”Log in to use details from one of these accounts.”,”change”:”Change”,”changeAccount”:”Change Account”,”comment_registration”:””,”userIsLoggedIn”:””,”isJetpack”:”0″};/* ]]> */Follow

Follow “AFFAIRCARE”

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 583 other followers

Build a website with WordPress.com//>WPCOM_sharing_counts = {“http://affaircare.com/2012/10/14/how-to-rebuild-after-an-affair-step-7-rebuilding-tools/”:1422}jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-facebook’ ).on( ‘click’, function() {window.open( jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomfacebook’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=400’ );return false;});});jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-twitter’ ).on( ‘click’, function() {window.open( jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomtwitter’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=350’ );return false;});});jQuery( document ).ready( function() { jQuery.getScript( ‘//platform.linkedin.com/in.js?async=true’, function success() { IN.init(); });});jQuery( document.body ).on( ‘post-load’, function() {if ( typeof IN != ‘undefined’ )IN.parse();});// Pinterest shared resourcesvar s = document.createElement(“script”);s.type = “text/javascript”;s.async = true;s.src = window.location.protocol”//assets.pinterest.com/js/pinit.js”;var x = document.getElementsByTagName(“script”)[0];x.parentNode.insertBefore(s, x);// if ‘Pin it’ button has ‘counts’ make container widerjQuery(window).load( function(){ jQuery( ‘li.share-pinterest a span:visible’ ).closest( ‘.share-pinterest’ ).width( ’80px’ ); } ); (function() { var po = document.createElement(‘script’); po.type = ‘text/javascript’; po.async = true; po.src = ‘https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js’; var s = document.getElementsByTagName(‘script’)[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(po, s); })();Send to Email AddressYour NameYour Email AddressPost was not sent – check your email addresses!Email check failed, please try againSorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.%d bloggers like this:

By admin

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *