…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.


Search for:September 24, 2012Affair, Christian, Fidelity, Love Extinguishers, marriage, personal reflection, , , , , ,

After our little 2 week long hiatus, today we continue the second collection in our “Back to School–Back to Basics” series.  The rest of this week we’ll be going over the remaining Love Extinguishers.  To understand what a Love Extinguisher is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation.  Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers.  BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers.  When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.  When you get married and do not make diligent efforts to keep stoking the fire, life, bills, and children intervene and you begin to gradually take your spouse for granted and act in a Love Extinguishing way.

Today, we look at the third behavior that can put out the fire of love:  Physical Neglect!   This extinguisher involves disregarding your spouse’s physical needs by becoming the sort of spouse who:

  • Outlaws Tender Touches (Hugs, Kisses, Touches)–when infants are left in a sterile orphanage and given plenty of food, but not touched, they died.  When they were just touched and hugged by surrogate grandparents, not only did the babies thrive, but the older surrogate grandparents did as well!
  • Withholds Sexual Fulfillment–when a person marries, their only moral outlet for their sexuality is with their spouse.  When a spouse purposely withholds sexual fulfillment as a way to manipulate or punish their spouse, it’s not only an action that extinguishes love, it’s cruelty.  God created us as sexual beings (Song of Solomon, Prov. 5:18-20) and He specifically told us that in a marriage our body is not our own, but our spouse’s to share ( I Cor. 7:4).  If you are withholding sex as a way to teach your spouse a lesson, you are KILLING your marriage.
  • Abandons Physical Attractiveness–The two most common complains we hear are “She only wants me for my wallet” and “He only wants me for my body.”  Well guess what folks, both are partly true and there is nothing wrong with either one.  Men are created to be VISUAL beings, and that means that part of what he likes about his lady is that he finds her physically attractive.  Now this does not mean it’s kosher to want to leave your marriage if she puts on a few pounds after the kids, but rather that a part of the mix of what drew him in like a magnet was the way you look!  So you used to fix your hair, throw on a complimentary outfit, and maybe put on some lipstick before he came over?  And now, with 2 toddlers you don’t do your hair, haven’t worn makeup in ages, and LIVE in sweats?  Guess what?  You’re extinguishing your spouse’s love for you and they probably don’t know how to tell you without causing a big fight!  It’s okay for a man to want a wife whom he looks at and thinks “YOWZA!!”  and likewise the same goes for women.  Fellas–did you used to wear a little cologne and dress up to take her out on the town….and have a muscle or two from working out to impress her?  And now do you sit on the couch with a beer gut, in a tattered work shirt and no shower for a few days and wonder why she isn’t “turned on”?  You are putting out the fire!  Tend to your spouse’s physical need for attractiveness!  And that doesn’t mean being physically perfect or going on a crash diet, but rather, work with what you’ve got.  Fix your hair–wear clothes that fit you well and compliment what God gave ya–take a shower or bath and smell “purdy”–do what you can to LOOK GOOD.
  • Refuses to Care For Your Spouse’s Body–This one actually hit home with me just this week.  As a young couple you rarely think that one day one of you is going to need to be “cared for” but during your lifetime at least one of you will have some sort of medical issue.  That means that the other one is going to have to take care of their spouse’s body.  Maybe it’ll mean that you aren’t diabetic, but you have to go on a sugar-free diet for your spouse who IS diabetic.  Or maybe it will mean you have to deal with symptoms of a chronic illness that will never be cured.  Or maybe, like with me, it will mean that you HATE to exercise, but your spouse needs it, so you have to do what you hate.  The point is that if you refuse to care for your spouse’s body–if you don’t champion their physical dignity and privacy in places like the hospital or care facility–if you don’t cooperate with medications, diets or orders from the doctor that your spouse NEEDS–you will be throwing buckets of water onto that blaze of love and extinguishing the fire.

Over the next few weeks, we’ll go ahead and continue our “Back to Basics” by going over all our Basic Concepts.   The first week of September, we examined the Love Kindlers.  Then we had two weeks off while Dear Hubby was in the hospital….but this week we’ll continue the Love Extinguishers.  The first week of October we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the second week of October God willing, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair.  We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

Do you love it? SHARE IT!!

Post navigation

5 thoughts on “Back to Basics–Love Extinguisher #3 Physical Neglect”

  1. Pingback: Back to Basics–Love Extinguisher #4 Financial Neglect « AFFAIRCARE
  2. Pingback: Back to Basics–Love Extinguisher #5 Family Neglect « AFFAIRCARE
  3. Pingback: Back to Basics–Love Extinguishers #6 Social Neglect « AFFAIRCARE
  4. Pingback: Why some couples just can’t seem to reconcile–Part 2 | AFFAIRCARE
  5. Pingback: Why some couples just can’t seem to reconcile–Part 3 | AFFAIRCARE

Leave a Reply

GravatarEmail (required) (Address never made public)Name (required) Logo

You are commenting using your account. ( Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. ( Log Out / Change )


Connecting to %s

var highlander_expando_javascript = function(){var input = document.createElement( ‘input’ ), comment = jQuery( ‘#comment’ );if ( ‘placeholder’ in input ) {comment.attr( ‘placeholder’, jQuery( ‘.comment-textarea label’ ).remove().text() );}// Expando Mode: start small, then auto-resize on first clicktext lengthjQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).hide();comment.css( { ‘height’:’10px’ } ).one( ‘focus’, function() {var timer = setInterval( HighlanderComments.resizeCallback, 10 )jQuery( this ).animate( { ‘height’: HighlanderComments.initialHeight } ).delay( 100 ).queue( function(n) { clearInterval( timer ); HighlanderComments.resizeCallback(); n(); } );jQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).slideDown();});}jQuery(document).ready( highlander_expando_javascript );

Notify me of new comments via email.

Notify me of new posts via email.

And while you’re shopping on Amazon, don’t forget our book: “Affaircare: Caring for Your Marriage After an Affair”!

Follow our blog

Subscribe to Affaircare and get tips in your email about keeping your marriage affair-free or saving your marriage after an affair!

Join 783 other followers

Do you want help delivered right to your inbox?

Love our newsletter? We’ve used Mailchimp since 2007!

Download the Affaircare Podcast

On iTunes:
On Stitcher:

Download the Affaircare APP!

Follow Us, Like Us, Pin Us, Link to us, Join our Circle!

Need stats for your site?

Clicky Web Analytics

The Affaircare Feed

 RSS – Posts

Search for:NetworkedBlogsBlog:AffaircareTopics: Infidelity, Marriage, Christian  Follow my blogCreative Commons License
This entire site, the articles and the blogs are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.


AFFAIRCARE claims no credit for any images posted on this site unless otherwise noted. Images on this blog are copyright to its respectful owners. If there is an image appearing on this blog that belongs to you and do not wish for it appear on this site, please E-mail with a link to said image and it will be promptly removed

Map of our Readers

Real Time Web Analytics Clicky The Twenty Thirteen Theme.Create a free website or blog at* */var WPGroHo = {“my_hash”:””};/* ]]> *///initialize and attach hovercards to all gravatarsjQuery( document ).ready( function( $ ) {if (typeof Gravatar === “undefined”){return;}if ( typeof Gravatar.init !== “function” ) {return;}Gravatar.profile_cb = function( hash, id ) {WPGroHo.syncProfileData( hash, id );};Gravatar.my_hash = WPGroHo.my_hash;Gravatar.init( ‘body’, ‘#wp-admin-bar-my-account’ );});/* */var HighlanderComments = {“loggingInText”:”Logging Inu2026″,”submittingText”:”Posting Commentu2026″,”postCommentText”:”Post Comment”,”connectingToText”:”Connecting to %s”,”commentingAsText”:”%1$s: You are commenting using your %2$s account.”,”logoutText”:”Log Out”,”loginText”:”Log In”,”connectURL”:””,”logoutURL”:”″,”homeURL”:””,”postID”:”1313″,”gravDefault”:”blank”,”enterACommentError”:”Please enter a comment”,”enterEmailError”:”Please enter your email address here”,”invalidEmailError”:”Invalid email address”,”enterAuthorError”:”Please enter your name here”,”gravatarFromEmail”:”This picture will show whenever you leave a comment. Click to customize it.”,”logInToExternalAccount”:”Log in to use details from one of these accounts.”,”change”:”Change”,”changeAccount”:”Change Account”,”comment_registration”:””,”userIsLoggedIn”:””,”isJetpack”:”0″,”text_direction”:”ltr”};/* ]]> */Follow


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 783 other followers

Build a website with>window.WPCOM_sharing_counts = {“”:1313};var windowOpen;jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-facebook’ ).on( ‘click’, function() {if ( ‘undefined’ !== typeof windowOpen ){ // If there’s another sharing window open, close it.windowOpen.close();}windowOpen = jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomfacebook’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=400’ );return false;});});(function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); = id; js.src = ‘//’; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, ‘script’, ‘facebook-jssdk’));jQuery( document.body ).on( ‘post-load’, function() {if ( ‘undefined’ !== typeof FB ) {FB.XFBML.parse();}} );var windowOpen;jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-twitter’ ).on( ‘click’, function() {if ( ‘undefined’ !== typeof windowOpen ){ // If there’s another sharing window open, close it.windowOpen.close();}windowOpen = jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomtwitter’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=350’ );return false;});});jQuery( document ).ready( function() { jQuery.getScript( ‘//’, function success() { IN.init(); });});jQuery( document.body ).on( ‘post-load’, function() {if ( typeof IN != ‘undefined’ )IN.parse();});// Pinterest shared resourcesvar s = document.createElement(“script”);s.type = “text/javascript”;s.async = true;s.setAttribute(‘data-pin-hover’, true);s.src = window.location.protocol”//”;var x = document.getElementsByTagName(“script”)[0];x.parentNode.insertBefore(s, x);// if ‘Pin it’ button has ‘counts’ make container widerjQuery(window).load( function(){ jQuery( ‘li.share-pinterest a span:visible’ ).closest( ‘.share-pinterest’ ).width( ’80px’ ); } );function renderGooglePlus1() {if ( ‘undefined’ === typeof gapi ) {return;}jQuery( ‘.g-plus’ ).each(function() {var $button = jQuery( this );if ( ! $ ‘gplus-rendered’ ) ) {gapi.plusone.render( this, {href: $button.attr( ‘data-href’ ),size: $button.attr( ‘data-size’ ),annotation: $button.attr( ‘data-annotation’ )});$ ‘gplus-rendered’, true );}});}(function() {var po = document.createElement(‘script’); po.type = ‘text/javascript’; po.async = true;po.src = ‘’;po.innerHTML = ‘{“parsetags”: “explicit”}’;po.onload = renderGooglePlus1;var s = document.getElementsByTagName(‘script’)[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(po, s);})();jQuery( document.body ).on( ‘post-load’, renderGooglePlus1 );Send to Email AddressYour NameYour Email Address document.getElementById(‘jetpack-source_f_name’).value = ”; Post was not sent – check your email addresses!Email check failed, please try againSorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.%d bloggers like this:

By admin

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.