We are continuing our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics” series and this week we’ll be going over the seven Love Kindlers. To understand what a Love Kindler is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation. Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers. BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers. When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.
Today the third Love Kindler to stoke the blaze of passion and love in your marriage today is: Physical Commitment! Physical Commitment is meeting your spouse’s needs:
- To be touched regularly and in a way they enjoy
- To be kissed regularly and in a way they enjoy
- To be hugged regularly and in a way they enjoy
- To have physical tenderness expressed, like by holding hands or cuddling
- For a sex life that is fulfilling for both of you
- To be physically attracted to you
When people talk about the Physical Commitment of marriage, they often think of sex, and that’s understandable because that topic is so prevalent in our society. But there is so much more to Physical Commitment than just physical intimacy!! Of course, one major issue that marriages can have is one spouse with a higher sex drive and one with a lower sex drive. No two people are ever exactly the same, and sometimes our attitudes about sex and/or the physical release and pleasure that comes with sex can be deeply affected by events in our pasts. HOWEVER, the one moral place of God-sanctioned, sacred sexuality is within a marriage commitment!! So if you are using sex as a weapon to control your spouse, or you are withholding sex as a punishment for not doing what you want, you are denying your spouse the one legitimate place to enjoy their God-given sexuality.
As I mentioned, though, Physical Commitment is so much more than just sex. Marriage is a commitment for life, and as life goes on and a couple ages, the hormones that drive sexuality decrease–this is natural. It happens to everyone. So Physical Commitment also encompasses being dedicated to giving your spouse positive physical touches (like hugs and kisses) and affectionate touches that are not related to sex. Beyond that, as our bodies age, there is the Physical Commitment of caring for your spouse’s body: helping with medical care, encouraging them to lose weight or exercise, helping them to eat foods that are physically beneficial by preparing wholesome meals, and doing what you can to care for them physically such as providing massages. Part of the fidelity of marriage is choosing to act in a way that benefits your spouse physically.
Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts. This week we will examine the Love Kindlers–next week the Love Extinguishers. During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair. We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!
- Back to Basics – Love Kindlers #1 Emotional Commitment (affaircare.com)
- Are Sexless Marriages and Relationships Normal? (everydayhealth.com)
- A Cord of Three Strands I: One Flesh (demorrieaux.wordpress.com)