…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.

May 30, 2012 by 8 Comments

You know, sometimes there are things that people want me to write about that seem so basic to me that I think “Wow people have GOT to already know that! ”  It feels like that is such a beginning foundational truth that surely people know that already!  Yet more and more I’m coming to realize that people do not live with examples of lifelong faithfulness anymore and do not see mature, healthy, Christ-like relationships modeled…so we don’t know what to do!   Like so many things in our U.S. culture, we have things exactly backwards, and when we look at things like keeping our marriages affair-free from a backwards viewpoint…well we get confused!  Prior to this I wrote a couple articles about some topics that we look at exactly backwards: “Crossing the Line” is about how we usually ask if sexting is an affair since it wasn’t physical and we want to know just where the line is so we can go right up to the line but not cross it–and instead we should find out where that line is so we can stay as far away from it as possible!   “Sex and Marriage…Marriage and Sex” is about how we tend of think of sex from the point of view of getting our own need met and our own horniness rather than seeing that sex is about thinking about our spouse and what THEY need physically and meeting that need.  And finally “Fidelity is not asking’ How Far Can I go?‘ ” is about how we, here in the U.S.A., think infidelity and cheating are wrong, but then want to do everything we can get away with…rather than looking at how to be 100% FAITHFUL in our marriages, or asking “What is fidelity?”  and how we can act that way.

Selfishness is another one of those topics that we get exactly backwards.

In our advertising, our movies, our books…everything tells young people today that focusing on yourself is the way to be happy.  Love yourself!  You are entitled to high self-esteem (even if you’ve been a complete jerk!).  You deserve better!  When you’re in-love, the person you’re “in love with” completes you and meets your needs (flawlessly and naturally, without effort).  If it feels good, do it.  If you’re unhappy, leave–it’s your spouse’s fault because they “made” you unhappy.  Some of the New Age gurus even go so far as to say that each individual is a small bit or spark of God!!  If you look in the dictionary, the word “selfish” is defined as:

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only foroneself:

3.  self-interested, self-seeking, egoistic; illiberal, parsimonious,stingy.

Yet I Corinthians 13: 5 tells us the exact opposite… that “[Love] does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking,  is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs.”  This means that to keep your marriage affair-free, the focus needs to shift from “me, me, Me, Me, ME!” to being devoted to and caring for another human being–namely our spouse!  Our primary (first and foremost) concern would be the interests, benefits, and welfare of someone other than ourselves–and that would be the interests of our spouse, the benefit of our spouse, and the welfare of our spouse (because doing so is what God told us to do, and even before our spouse we want to do what pleases God!).  It means we REGARD others and think of how what we do and say will affect them.  It means that our actions would be characterized by and manifest concern or care for our spouse!

Can you imagine the impact to marriages if people were taught that before they got married?  Can you imagine how that would put a hedge of protection against infidelity if you thought about how “chatting and”texting” or “going to lunch with that person from work” would affect your spouse?  How affair-free would your marriage be if your actions were characterized by care for your spouse?    WOW!  Just wow.  We have the whole selfishness thing exactly backwards.

document.location.protocol”//”;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_theme=”wpcom_adclk_theme;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_placement=”+wpcom_adclk_slot;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_network=”wpcom_adclk_network;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_theme_network=”+wpcom_adclk_theme+”_”+wpcom_adclk_network;new Image().src = stat_gif”&baba=”Math.random();return true;}function wpcom_adclk_click() {if (wpcom_adclk_recorded) { return true; } // no double countingvar stat_gif = document.location.protocol”//”;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_theme=”wpcom_adclk_theme;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_placement=”+wpcom_adclk_slot;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_network=”wpcom_adclk_network;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_theme_network=”+wpcom_adclk_theme+”_”+wpcom_adclk_network;new Image().src = stat_gif”&baba=”Math.random();wpcom_adclk_recorded = true;var now=new Date(); var end=now.getTime()+250;while(true){now=new Date();if(now.getTime()>end){break;}}return true;}if ( typeof GA_googleAddAttr == ‘function’ ) {GA_googleAddAttr(“AdOpt”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Origin”, “other”);GA_googleAddAttr(“LangId”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Domain”, “”);GA_googleAddAttr(“BlogId”, “13071271”);GA_googleAddAttr(“PageURL”, “”);GA_googleAddAttr(“AdSafe”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Autotag”, “religion”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “affair”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “christian”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “fidelity”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “infidelity”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “marriage”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “personal-reflection”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “christ”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “first-epistle-to-the-corinthians”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “god”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “infidelity-2”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “marriage-2”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “relationship”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “sex-2”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Partner”, “AOL”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_bg”, “ffffff”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_text”, “777777”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_link”, “009bc2”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_border”, “dddddd”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_url”, “009bc2”);GA_googleAddAdSensePageAttr(“google_page_url”, “”);GA_googleFillSlot(“wpcom_below_post_adsafe”);}div.wpa>div { margin-top: 1em; } #google_ads_div_wpcom_below_post_adsafe_ad_container { display: block !important; }jQuery( window ).load( function() { if ( jQuery(“.wpa script[src*=’’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa script[src*=’’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa iframe[src*=’’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa iframe[src*=’’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa .sharethrough-placement”).length > 0 ) { jQuery( ‘.wpa’ ).css( ‘width’, ‘400px’ ); }setTimeout(function(){if(typeof GS_googleAddAdSenseService !== ‘function’){new Image().src=document.location.protocol+”//”+Math.random()}},100);} );

Do you love it? SHARE IT!!

Categories: Affair, Christian, Fidelity, marriage, personal reflection | Tags: , , , , , , | Permalink.

8 thoughts on “Love is not Selfish”

  1. Kristine McGuire
    May 30, 2012 at 5:08 PM

    Great article!


  2. Candy Troutman
    May 30, 2012 at 6:15 PM

    Cindy ~ so well said! So many Americans are driven by their feelings of the moment and live only to please themselves. I love everything about this blog. I’ve been reading blogs about love and marriage because my friend has launched a new business called The Date Knight. Check it out on Facebook. The things you write about are exactly the kind of things he is passionate about. He wants his business to encourage men to go on a quest for the hearts of the significant women in their lives. We’d love to have you join a blog hop or host a guest post. Would love to hear back from you.


  3. Pingback: 6 reasons For Emotionally Distant Husbands. | Essence of Marriage Magazine

  4. Kim
    June 3, 2012 at 12:57 PM

    Very well said and so true! Also, be encouraged to write/speak/teach the “basics” no matter how foundational they may seem because much of what many of us know to be basic is no longer basic in today’s western society. Thanks for citing my post “Ten tips to Help Protect Your Marriage Against Adultery / Extra Marital Affairs – Tip #2″ as a related article……….may the Lord bless your endeavors…..Kim


  5. Pingback: How to avoid infidelity in your marriage. | Essence of Marriage Magazine

Leave a Reply

GravatarEmail (required) (Address never made public)Name (required) Logo

You are commenting using your account. ( Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. ( Log Out / Change )


Connecting to %s

var highlander_expando_javascript = function(){var input = document.createElement( ‘input’ ), comment = jQuery( ‘#comment’ );if ( ‘placeholder’ in input ) {comment.attr( ‘placeholder’, jQuery( ‘.comment-textarea label’ ).remove().text() );}// Expando Mode: start small, then auto-resize on first clicktext lengthjQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).hide();comment.css( { ‘height’:’10px’ } ).one( ‘focus’, function() {var timer = setInterval( HighlanderComments.resizeCallback, 10 )jQuery( this ).animate( { ‘height’: HighlanderComments.initialHeight } ).delay( 100 ).queue( function(n) { clearInterval( timer ); HighlanderComments.resizeCallback(); n(); } );jQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).slideDown();});}jQuery(document).ready( highlander_expando_javascript );

Notify me of follow-up comments via email.

Notify me of new posts via email.

Post navigation

Follow our blog

Subscribe to Affaircare and get tips in your email about keeping your marriage affair-free or saving your marriage after an affair!

Join 558 other followers

Do you want help delivered right to your inbox?

Download the Affaircare APP!

Affaircare Forums

Romance Calendar

Are you 'romance-impaired'?  Do you need a little help remembering how to be romantic?  Here's one romantic idea every day!

Are you ‘romance-impaired’? Do you need a little help remembering how to be romantic? Here’s one romantic idea every day!

Prayer Requests

Chat with Affaircare

We are on Pacific Time and if we are not available to chat, it will email us!

Follow Us, Like Us, Pin Us, Link to us, Join our Circle!


 RSS – Posts

Support Affaircare!

And while you’re shopping on Amazon, don’t forget our book: “Affaircare: Caring for Your Marriage After an Affair”!

  • Family Dynamics Institute
  • MarriageFire
  • Soul Mate Shmoopies
  • Talk About Marriage
  • NetworkedBlogsBlog:AffaircareTopics: Infidelity, Marriage, Christian  Follow my blogCreative Commons License
    This entire site, the articles and the blogs are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.


    AFFAIRCARE claims no credit for any images posted on this site unless otherwise noted. Images on this blog are copyright to its respectful owners. If there is an image appearing on this blog that belongs to you and do not wish for it appear on this site, please E-mail with a link to said image and it will be promptly removed

    Map of our Readers

    Real Time Web Analytics Clicky

    Blog at | The Yoko Theme.

    Top/* */var WPGroHo = {“my_hash”:””};/* ]]> *///initialize and attach hovercards to all gravatarsjQuery( document ).ready( function( $ ) {if ( typeof Gravatar.init !== “function” ) {return;}Gravatar.profile_cb = function( hash, id ) {WPGroHo.syncProfileData( hash, id );};Gravatar.my_hash = WPGroHo.my_hash;Gravatar.init( ‘body’, ‘#wp-admin-bar-my-account’ );});/* */var HighlanderComments = {“loggingInText”:”Logging Inu2026″,”submittingText”:”Posting Commentu2026″,”postCommentText”:”Post Comment”,”connectingToText”:”Connecting to %s”,”commentingAsText”:”%1$s: You are commenting using your %2$s account.”,”logoutText”:”Log Out”,”loginText”:”Log In”,”connectURL”:””,”logoutURL”:”″,”homeURL”:””,”postID”:”831″,”gravDefault”:”blank”,”enterACommentError”:”Please enter a comment”,”enterEmailError”:”Please enter your email address here”,”invalidEmailError”:”Invalid email address”,”enterAuthorError”:”Please enter your name here”,”gravatarFromEmail”:”This picture will show whenever you leave a comment. Click to customize it.”,”logInToExternalAccount”:”Log in to use details from one of these accounts.”,”change”:”Change”,”changeAccount”:”Change Account”,”comment_registration”:””,”userIsLoggedIn”:””,”isJetpack”:”0″};/* ]]> */Follow

    Follow “AFFAIRCARE”

    Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

    Join 558 other followers

    Powered by>WPCOM_sharing_counts = {“”:831}jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-facebook’ ).on( ‘click’, function() { jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomfacebook’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=400’ );return false;});});jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-twitter’ ).on( ‘click’, function() { jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomtwitter’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=350’ );return false;});});jQuery( document ).ready( function() { jQuery.getScript( ‘//’, function success() { IN.init(); });});jQuery( document.body ).on( ‘post-load’, function() {if ( typeof IN != ‘undefined’ )IN.parse();});// Pinterest shared resourcesvar s = document.createElement(“script”);s.type = “text/javascript”;s.async = true;s.src = window.location.protocol”//”;var x = document.getElementsByTagName(“script”)[0];x.parentNode.insertBefore(s, x);// if ‘Pin it’ button has ‘counts’ make container widerjQuery(window).load( function(){ jQuery( ‘li.share-pinterest a span:visible’ ).closest( ‘.share-pinterest’ ).width( ’80px’ ); } ); (function() { var po = document.createElement(‘script’); po.type = ‘text/javascript’; po.async = true; po.src = ‘’; var s = document.getElementsByTagName(‘script’)[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(po, s); })();Send to Email AddressYour NameYour Email AddressPost was not sent – check your email addresses!Email check failed, please try againSorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.%d bloggers like this:

    By admin

    Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published.