Menu

AFFAIRCARE

…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.

May 28, 2012 by 1 Comment

On this Memorial Day, I had a really hard time deciding on a topic for today’s blog. On the one hand, I am not one of those folks who’s all “Rah Rah! U.S.A.! Red, white and blue! Let’s remember our soldiers who died for our freedom!” kind of gal. I have known friends who went to serve and were killed, and their whole family died with them that day. I have known friends who went to serve and did not die, but while they were gone their spouse cheated, in their grief they did what they were trained to do, and now their whole life is gone. I have known friends who went to serve and did not die, and they suffer for it to this day. I don’t swallow the story that “war defends us” or that sending the people we love to die is somehow good for us. Personally I think PEACE is much more patriotic, yet on this day I do remember my friends, and I do honor their sacrifice by doing what I believe shows them the most honor–I work for PEACE.

Yet how often do we do the same thing in our marriages, especially after an affair? How often do we continue the “war” because it profits us, rather than taking the risk of peace?

The loyal spouse is a lot like the soldier who went to war and now has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (“triggers”). Much like our soldiers, the loyal spouse has been through something so traumatic that when something occurs that their mind associates with the trauma…they relive it. Part of ending the “war” of an affair is learning how to let go of the trauma triggers and live in the present. Another big part of ending the “war” is to put down your weapon–holding the affair over your disloyal’s head as your trump card to win all arguments.

The disloyal spouse is a lot like the soldier who went to war and then realized that murder is wrong and they shouldn’t be there. They justify what they’re doing (“just following orders”) but keep doing it and don’t leave. Much like our soldiers, for a disloyal spouse to stop doing what they know is wrong takes a great act of courage. Part of ending the “war” of an affair is to forgive yourself and change what you’re doing so that you boldly follow a moral code of honesty and faithfulness. Another big part of ending the “war” is to put down your weapon–sitting on the fence.

The threat of “war” can make us let someone else be in-charge. Loyal spouses tend to want to keep their weapon of holding the affair over their disloyal’s head so they can control their spouse. They want the disloyal to do what THEY want…the way they want it…when they want it! If they bring up the affair, the disloyal is automatically ashamed and forced to repay the loyal spouse for what they did. Likewise the disloyal spouse keeps their weapon of sitting on the fence in an effort to control their spouse! They don’t make a decision and constantly remind their loyal that if the loyal doesn’t “do it their way”…they might leave the marriage. So both sides continue to fight and the casualties of the “war” are the marriage and the families that die.

In order to end the war, the weapons HAVE TO be put down. Both sides have to not only put their weapons down, but also refuse to ever pick them up again–beat the swords into plowshares. Waging PEACE is a risk because it means that both sides could be tricked…and both sides leave themselves vulnerable if the other one decides to pick up their weapon again! But if both sides really do lay their weapons down, and get to know each other, and talk openly…then slowly an alliance can be built and peaceful mutuality can grow.

So this Memorial Day, honor those who sacrificed so much by being PEACEFULLY patriotic -AND- end the “war” at home, after the affair, by laying down your weapons. Instead, make Memorial Day the day that you went to your spouse and wrote a PEACE TREATY.

 

document.location.protocol”//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv”;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_theme=”wpcom_adclk_theme;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_placement=”+wpcom_adclk_slot;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_network=”wpcom_adclk_network;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_theme_network=”+wpcom_adclk_theme+”_”+wpcom_adclk_network;new Image().src = stat_gif”&baba=”Math.random();return true;}function wpcom_adclk_click() {if (wpcom_adclk_recorded) { return true; } // no double countingvar stat_gif = document.location.protocol”//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv”;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_theme=”wpcom_adclk_theme;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_placement=”+wpcom_adclk_slot;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_network=”wpcom_adclk_network;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_theme_network=”+wpcom_adclk_theme+”_”+wpcom_adclk_network;new Image().src = stat_gif”&baba=”Math.random();wpcom_adclk_recorded = true;var now=new Date(); var end=now.getTime()+250;while(true){now=new Date();if(now.getTime()>end){break;}}return true;}if ( typeof GA_googleAddAttr == ‘function’ ) {GA_googleAddAttr(“AdOpt”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Origin”, “other”);GA_googleAddAttr(“LangId”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Domain”, “affaircare.com”);GA_googleAddAttr(“BlogId”, “13071271”);GA_googleAddAttr(“PageURL”, “http://affaircare.com/2012/05/28/wage-peace-on-memorial-day/”);GA_googleAddAttr(“AdSafe”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Autotag”, “religion”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Autotag”, “politics”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “affair”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “cheating”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “infidelity”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “marriage”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “personal-reflection”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “holidays”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “memorial-day”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “peace”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “soldier”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “wars-and-conflicts”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Partner”, “AOL”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_bg”, “ffffff”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_text”, “777777”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_link”, “009bc2”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_border”, “dddddd”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_url”, “009bc2”);GA_googleAddAdSensePageAttr(“google_page_url”, “http://affaircare.com/2012/05/28/wage-peace-on-memorial-day/”);GA_googleFillSlot(“wpcom_below_post_adsafe”);}div.wpa>div { margin-top: 1em; } #google_ads_div_wpcom_below_post_adsafe_ad_container { display: block !important; }jQuery( window ).load( function() { if ( jQuery(“.wpa script[src*=’virool.com’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa script[src*=’shareth.ru’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa iframe[src*=’boomvideo.tv’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa iframe[src*=’viewablemedia.net’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa .sharethrough-placement”).length > 0 ) { jQuery( ‘.wpa’ ).css( ‘width’, ‘400px’ ); }setTimeout(function(){if(typeof GS_googleAddAdSenseService !== ‘function’){new Image().src=document.location.protocol+”//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv&x_noads=adblock&baba=”+Math.random()}},100);} );

Do you love it? SHARE IT!!

Categories: Affair, marriage, personal reflection | Tags: , , , , | Permalink.

One thought on “Wage Peace on Memorial Day”

  1. Jolene Engle
    May 28, 2012 at 9:14 PM

    Great post, Cindy. Thanks for linking up with The Alabaster Jar.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

GravatarEmail (required) (Address never made public)Name (required)WebsiteWordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. ( Log Out / Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s

var highlander_expando_javascript = function(){var input = document.createElement( ‘input’ ), comment = jQuery( ‘#comment’ );if ( ‘placeholder’ in input ) {comment.attr( ‘placeholder’, jQuery( ‘.comment-textarea label’ ).remove().text() );}// Expando Mode: start small, then auto-resize on first clicktext lengthjQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).hide();comment.css( { ‘height’:’10px’ } ).one( ‘focus’, function() {var timer = setInterval( HighlanderComments.resizeCallback, 10 )jQuery( this ).animate( { ‘height’: HighlanderComments.initialHeight } ).delay( 100 ).queue( function(n) { clearInterval( timer ); HighlanderComments.resizeCallback(); n(); } );jQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).slideDown();});}jQuery(document).ready( highlander_expando_javascript );

Notify me of follow-up comments via email.

Notify me of new posts via email.

Post navigation

Follow our blog

Subscribe to Affaircare and get tips in your email about keeping your marriage affair-free or saving your marriage after an affair!
.

Join 503 other followers

Do you want help delivered right to your inbox?

Download the Affaircare APP!

Affaircare Forums

Romance Calendar

Are you 'romance-impaired'?  Do you need a little help remembering how to be romantic?  Here's one romantic idea every day!

Are you ‘romance-impaired’? Do you need a little help remembering how to be romantic? Here’s one romantic idea every day!

Prayer Requests

Chat with Affaircare

We are on Pacific Time and if we are not available to chat, it will email us!

Follow Us, Like Us, Pin Us, Link to us, Join our Circle!


Feed

 RSS – Posts

Support Affaircare!

And while you’re shopping on Amazon, don’t forget our book: “Affaircare: Caring for Your Marriage After an Affair”!

Meet the CMBA Members!

Click here for links to all the members of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association

Internet Defense League member

Member of The Internet Defense League

  • A CRY FOR JUSTICE
  • Family Dynamics Institute
  • MarriageFire
  • Soul Mate Shmoopies
  • Talk About Marriage
  • NetworkedBlogsBlog:AffaircareTopics: Infidelity, Marriage, Christian  Follow my blogCreative Commons License
    This entire site, the articles and the blogs are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.

    __________________________

    AFFAIRCARE claims no credit for any images posted on this site unless otherwise noted. Images on this blog are copyright to its respectful owners. If there is an image appearing on this blog that belongs to you and do not wish for it appear on this site, please E-mail with a link to said image and it will be promptly removed

    Map of our Readers

    Real Time Web Analytics Clicky

    Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com. | The Yoko Theme.

    Top/* */var WPGroHo = {“my_hash”:””};/* ]]> *///initialize and attach hovercards to all gravatarsjQuery( document ).ready( function( $ ) {if ( typeof Gravatar.init !== “function” ) {return;}Gravatar.profile_cb = function( hash, id ) {WPGroHo.syncProfileData( hash, id );};Gravatar.my_hash = WPGroHo.my_hash;Gravatar.init( ‘body’, ‘#wp-admin-bar-my-account’ );});/* */var HighlanderComments = {“loggingInText”:”Logging Inu2026″,”submittingText”:”Posting Commentu2026″,”postCommentText”:”Post Comment”,”connectingToText”:”Connecting to %s”,”commentingAsText”:”%1$s: You are commenting using your %2$s account.”,”logoutText”:”Log Out”,”loginText”:”Log In”,”connectURL”:”http://affaircare.wordpress.com/public.api/connect/?action=request”,”logoutURL”:”https://affaircare.wordpress.com/wp-login.php?action=logout&_wpnonce=4398571bc1″,”homeURL”:”http://affaircare.com/”,”postID”:”828″,”gravDefault”:”blank”,”enterACommentError”:”Please enter a comment”,”enterEmailError”:”Please enter your email address here”,”invalidEmailError”:”Invalid email address”,”enterAuthorError”:”Please enter your name here”,”gravatarFromEmail”:”This picture will show whenever you leave a comment. Click to customize it.”,”logInToExternalAccount”:”Log in to use details from one of these accounts.”,”change”:”Change”,”changeAccount”:”Change Account”,”comment_registration”:””,”userIsLoggedIn”:””,”isJetpack”:”0″};/* ]]> */Follow

    Follow “AFFAIRCARE”

    Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

    Join 503 other followers

    Powered by WordPress.com//>WPCOM_sharing_counts = {“http://affaircare.com/2012/05/28/wage-peace-on-memorial-day/”:828}jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-facebook’ ).on( ‘click’, function() {window.open( jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomfacebook’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=400’ );return false;});});jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-twitter’ ).on( ‘click’, function() {window.open( jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomtwitter’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=350’ );return false;});});jQuery( document ).ready( function() { jQuery.getScript( ‘//platform.linkedin.com/in.js?async=true’, function success() { IN.init(); });});jQuery( document.body ).on( ‘post-load’, function() {if ( typeof IN != ‘undefined’ )IN.parse();});// Pinterest shared resourcesvar s = document.createElement(“script”);s.type = “text/javascript”;s.async = true;s.src = window.location.protocol”//assets.pinterest.com/js/pinit.js”;var x = document.getElementsByTagName(“script”)[0];x.parentNode.insertBefore(s, x);// if ‘Pin it’ button has ‘counts’ make container widerjQuery(window).load( function(){ jQuery( ‘li.share-pinterest a span:visible’ ).closest( ‘.share-pinterest’ ).width( ’80px’ ); } ); (function() { var po = document.createElement(‘script’); po.type = ‘text/javascript’; po.async = true; po.src = ‘https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js’; var s = document.getElementsByTagName(‘script’)[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(po, s); })();Send to Email AddressYour NameYour Email AddressPost was not sent – check your email addresses!Email check failed, please try againSorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.%d bloggers like this:

    By admin

    Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *