Menu

AFFAIRCARE

…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.

January 28, 2012 by 4 Comments

The first month of the year is drawing to a close.  This is  a great time to turn over a new leaf and start afresh, but if you’re here reading on this blog, chances are good that you’ve been affected by infidelity in one way or another.  When your life has been turned upside down, it’s hard to even pull yourself together, much less do something “new,” isn’t it?  Yet, today I want to lay down a challenge to have the courage to do something NEW in your marriage.

The definition of insanity is “Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result”…and yet isn’t that often what we do in our marriages?  We have that “same old fight.”  We use the same old reasons.  We don’t budge and sometimes don’t even tell each other things because “we know what he/she will say” or “he/she will freak out.”  We give our spouse the cold shoulder or punish them for something they said or did.  On and on.  And you tell me:  How’s that working for you?  If your spouse is having an affair and your marriage is falling apart and your kids are being hurt, THIS is the year, and now is the time to do something NEW.

Doing something NEW can be really scary, though.  I realize that doing things the “same old” way may be hurtful and damaging, but at least you know what to expect.  Yes, you hurt your spouse and they hurt you when you two argue, but you know that if you say “THIS” they will counter with “THAT” and then you have justification to unleash “THE OTHER.”  It’s dependable, in a weird way, because we can depend on what will happen.  But doing something NEW means you may have to look at yourself.   Doing something NEW means that you don’t know WHAT is going to happen or HOW your spouse will react!  That uncertainty…that feeling of being unable to predict what your spouse is likely to do… can be virtually traumatic for some; nonetheless, I challenge you today to take that leap of faith and do something NEW!!

It starts in your mind…thoughts like: “I wish he/she would think of ME for a change and help me!”  or “I’m tired of doing everything while he/she sits around and does nothing!  I want to do nothing!”  To do something new with your mind, you can’t just hope that someday your thought patterns will change.  You have to do something NEW…think something NEW!!  Your thoughts will change when you make the decision to change them!  So when you find yourself thinking that old recording of negative thoughts about your spouse or thoughts that are centered on you…make the conscientious DECISION today to stop yourself and change that thought to something positive.  Now I do realize that when two people have gotten far down the negative spiral that it can be fairly hard to even think of something positive, but even if you have trouble thinking of one thing, remember this.  They could have picked anyone in the whole wide world, and they chose you.  Think in a NEW way regarding your spouse.  List their good qualities and memorize the list!

And speaking of changing your thoughts, I have a really BIG challenge for you to help you and your spouse become “unstuck.”  You know that argument you two have had over and over and over?  The one where you know your spouse is going to bring it up, and you know that “next time I’m gonna say THIS” and while they are talking you think about how you’re going to respond rather than listening?  The fight you’ve had a hundred times already and each time it goes the same way–down the drain?  Yeah THAT argument.  I’m not saying they are right and you are wrong, but the next time you two have “that argument” no matter what they say, I want you to say: “So it sounds like what you’re saying is…” and then paraphrase what they said.  Don’t agree.  Don’t say they are wrong.  Don’t say you are right.  Just summarize what they said (their “reason”) and see if you understand what they said.  THEN… just say “I’m going to consider what you’ve said.”  The end.  DO NOT say anything else.  Just let them know you will consider it and stop talking.  The mere fact that it did not go “the same old way (aka down the tubes)” may well be enough shock to bring life back into the discussion.    After all, think about.  Isn’t one of the big issues in THAT argument, the fact that you don’t feel “heard”?  Well you just “heard” your spouse and said you would consider them and their viewpoint…and that is the kind of thing that gets a marriage unstuck.

What starts in your mind continues in your mouth.  If your mind is thinking of yourself and is thinking unkind things about your spouse, chances are about 99 times out of 100 that your mouth will follow suit.  That means that things will come out of your mouth declaring that you’re “entitled” to a partner who helps you out and you “deserve” a spouse who makes you happy.  Your mouth will then follow with mean, hurtful, caustic words meant to cut your spouse to the bone and make them do what YOU want them to do.  Speaking to your spouse with those kinds of words is balancing on the verge of verbal abuse, and if you wouldn’t tolerate verbal abuse, why would they?  To change your words, you have to do something NEW.  Just like your mind, you have to make a choice and train your mouth to say things that are loving.  Hmmm…let’s see.  I Cor. 13 says: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  Are these the kinds of words coming out of your mouth?  As your thinking changes, your words will begin to change too, but you can start right now, saying NEW words.  Words like “I love this about you” or “I feel happy when you…”  and when they do something–anything–say thank you!  Speaking to your spouse with at least the same level of courtesy as you would to a stranger is another thing that gets a marriage unstuck.

Finally, what starts in the mind and continues in your words will reflect in your ACTIONS–how you ACT toward your spouse.  This means that as your thoughts change to thinking of the things you appreciate about your spouse, and as your words say “thank you” and speak encouragement or support to your spouse…your actions will start to follow suit.  Love is not feeling butterflies in your stomach when you kiss…or feeling all jittery and excited when you know you’re going to see him/her.  LOVE (mature, intimate love) is treating a fellow human being in a way that is loving, because you made the commitment to act that way throughout all that life throws at you!  LOVE (mature, intimate love) is being transparently honest so your spouse can see the True You…and you seeing the True Them…and making the choice to behave in a loving way in spite of the fact that both of you are imperfect!  LOVE (godly love) is choosing to lay down our desires and natural inclinations and instead obey God.   And what does God say that LOVE acts like?  I Corinthians 13:4-8 “ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;  does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;  bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.”

So break the mold.  Having that “same old fight” the “same old way” and saying the “same old things” and getting the “same old reactions” may be destroying your marriage, but too many people are afraid to try something NEW because with the “same old, same old” they know what to expect–even if it is bad!  I challenge you to HAVE THE COURAGE to do something NEW in your marriage…tonight.

About these adsvar document.location.protocol”//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv”;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_theme=”wpcom_adclk_theme;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_placement=”+wpcom_adclk_slot;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_network=”wpcom_adclk_network;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_theme_network=”+wpcom_adclk_theme+”_”+wpcom_adclk_network;new Image().src = stat_gif”&baba=”Math.random();return true;}function wpcom_adclk_click() {if (wpcom_adclk_recorded) { return true; } // no double countingvar stat_gif = document.location.protocol”//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv”;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_theme=”wpcom_adclk_theme;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_placement=”+wpcom_adclk_slot;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_network=”wpcom_adclk_network;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_theme_network=”+wpcom_adclk_theme+”_”+wpcom_adclk_network;new Image().src = stat_gif”&baba=”Math.random();wpcom_adclk_recorded = true;var now=new Date(); var end=now.getTime()+250;while(true){now=new Date();if(now.getTime()>end){break;}}return true;}if ( typeof GA_googleAddAttr == ‘function’ ) {GA_googleAddAttr(“AdOpt”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Origin”, “other”);GA_googleAddAttr(“LangId”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Domain”, “affaircare.com”);GA_googleAddAttr(“BlogId”, “13071271”);GA_googleAddAttr(“PageURL”, “http://affaircare.com/2012/01/28/have-the-courage-to-do-something-new-in-your-marriage/”);GA_googleAddAttr(“AdSafe”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Autotag”, “religion”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “christian”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “love-extinguishers”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “marriage”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “personal-reflection”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “forgiveness”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “god”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “marriage-2”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “relationships”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “romance”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “thought”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Partner”, “AOL”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_bg”, “ffffff”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_text”, “777777”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_link”, “009bc2”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_border”, “dddddd”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_url”, “009bc2”);GA_googleAddAdSensePageAttr(“google_page_url”, “http://affaircare.com/2012/01/28/have-the-courage-to-do-something-new-in-your-marriage/”);GA_googleFillSlot(“wpcom_below_post_adsafe”);}jQuery( window ).load( function() { if ( jQuery(“.wpa script[src*=’virool.com’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa script[src*=’shareth.ru’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa iframe[src*=’boomvideo.tv’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa iframe[src*=’viewablemedia.net’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa .sharethrough-placement”).length > 0 ) { jQuery( ‘.wpa’ ).css( ‘width’, ‘400px’ ); }setTimeout(function(){if(typeof GS_googleAddAdSenseService !== ‘function’){new Image().src=document.location.protocol+”//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv&x_noads=adblock&baba=”+Math.random()}},100);} );

Do you love it? SHARE IT!!

Categories: Christian, Love Extinguishers, marriage, personal reflection | Tags: , , , , , | Permalink.

4 thoughts on “Have the courage to do something NEW in your marriage”

  1. Pingback: It Takes Three « Small Town Diva

  2. Pingback: It Take Three | Down Home Diva(ish)

  3. Pingback: It Takes Three | Down Home Diva(ish)

  4. Pingback: 6 Simple Steps To A Happily Ever After Marriage | Down Home Diva(ish)

Leave a Reply

GravatarEmail (required) (Address never made public)Name (required)WebsiteWordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. ( Log Out / Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s

var highlander_expando_javascript = function(){var input = document.createElement( ‘input’ ), comment = jQuery( ‘#comment’ );if ( ‘placeholder’ in input ) {comment.attr( ‘placeholder’, jQuery( ‘.comment-textarea label’ ).remove().text() );}// Expando Mode: start small, then auto-resize on first clicktext lengthjQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).hide();comment.css( { ‘height’:’10px’ } ).one( ‘focus’, function() {var timer = setInterval( HighlanderComments.resizeCallback, 10 )jQuery( this ).animate( { ‘height’: HighlanderComments.initialHeight } ).delay( 100 ).queue( function(n) { clearInterval( timer ); HighlanderComments.resizeCallback(); n(); } );jQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).slideDown();});}jQuery(document).ready( highlander_expando_javascript );

Notify me of new comments via email.

Notify me of new posts via email.

Post navigation

Affaircare Forums

Follow our blog

Subscribe to Affaircare and get tips in your email about keeping your marriage affair-free or saving your marriage after an affair!
.

Join 588 other followers

Do you want help delivered right to your inbox?

Download the Affaircare Podcast

On iTunes:
On Stitcher:

Download the Affaircare APP!

Romance Calendar

Are you 'romance-impaired'?  Do you need a little help remembering how to be romantic?  Here's one romantic idea every day!

Are you ‘romance-impaired’? Do you need a little help remembering how to be romantic? Here’s one romantic idea every day!

Prayer Requests

Chat with Affaircare

We are on Pacific Time and if we are not available to chat, it will email us!

Follow Us, Like Us, Pin Us, Link to us, Join our Circle!







Affaircare Google+ Page
Affaircare Google+ Profile

Partner Spot #1

Partner Spot #2

Partner Spot #3

Partner Spot #4

Mid Partner Spots

Mid Partner Spots

Mid Partner Spots

Mid Partner Spots

The Affaircare Feed

 RSS – Posts

Support Affaircare!

And while you’re shopping on Amazon, don’t forget our book: “Affaircare: Caring for Your Marriage After an Affair”!NetworkedBlogsBlog:AffaircareTopics: Infidelity, Marriage, Christian  Follow my blogCreative Commons License
This entire site, the articles and the blogs are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.

__________________________

AFFAIRCARE claims no credit for any images posted on this site unless otherwise noted. Images on this blog are copyright to its respectful owners. If there is an image appearing on this blog that belongs to you and do not wish for it appear on this site, please E-mail with a link to said image and it will be promptly removed

Map of our Readers

Real Time Web Analytics Clicky

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com. | The Yoko Theme.

Top/* */var WPGroHo = {“my_hash”:””};/* ]]> *///initialize and attach hovercards to all gravatarsjQuery( document ).ready( function( $ ) {if ( typeof Gravatar.init !== “function” ) {return;}Gravatar.profile_cb = function( hash, id ) {WPGroHo.syncProfileData( hash, id );};Gravatar.my_hash = WPGroHo.my_hash;Gravatar.init( ‘body’, ‘#wp-admin-bar-my-account’ );});/* */var HighlanderComments = {“loggingInText”:”Logging Inu2026″,”submittingText”:”Posting Commentu2026″,”postCommentText”:”Post Comment”,”connectingToText”:”Connecting to %s”,”commentingAsText”:”%1$s: You are commenting using your %2$s account.”,”logoutText”:”Log Out”,”loginText”:”Log In”,”connectURL”:”http://affaircare.wordpress.com/public.api/connect/?action=request”,”logoutURL”:”https://affaircare.wordpress.com/wp-login.php?action=logout&_wpnonce=6253978d9b”,”homeURL”:”http://affaircare.com/”,”postID”:”685″,”gravDefault”:”blank”,”enterACommentError”:”Please enter a comment”,”enterEmailError”:”Please enter your email address here”,”invalidEmailError”:”Invalid email address”,”enterAuthorError”:”Please enter your name here”,”gravatarFromEmail”:”This picture will show whenever you leave a comment. Click to customize it.”,”logInToExternalAccount”:”Log in to use details from one of these accounts.”,”change”:”Change”,”changeAccount”:”Change Account”,”comment_registration”:””,”userIsLoggedIn”:””,”isJetpack”:”0″};/* ]]> */Follow

Follow “AFFAIRCARE”

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 588 other followers

Build a website with WordPress.com//>WPCOM_sharing_counts = {“http://affaircare.com/2012/01/28/have-the-courage-to-do-something-new-in-your-marriage/”:685}jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-facebook’ ).on( ‘click’, function() {window.open( jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomfacebook’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=400’ );return false;});});jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-twitter’ ).on( ‘click’, function() {window.open( jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomtwitter’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=350’ );return false;});});jQuery( document ).ready( function() { jQuery.getScript( ‘//platform.linkedin.com/in.js?async=true’, function success() { IN.init(); });});jQuery( document.body ).on( ‘post-load’, function() {if ( typeof IN != ‘undefined’ )IN.parse();});// Pinterest shared resourcesvar s = document.createElement(“script”);s.type = “text/javascript”;s.async = true;s.src = window.location.protocol”//assets.pinterest.com/js/pinit.js”;var x = document.getElementsByTagName(“script”)[0];x.parentNode.insertBefore(s, x);// if ‘Pin it’ button has ‘counts’ make container widerjQuery(window).load( function(){ jQuery( ‘li.share-pinterest a span:visible’ ).closest( ‘.share-pinterest’ ).width( ’80px’ ); } ); (function() { var po = document.createElement(‘script’); po.type = ‘text/javascript’; po.async = true; po.src = ‘https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js’; var s = document.getElementsByTagName(‘script’)[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(po, s); })();Send to Email AddressYour NameYour Email AddressPost was not sent – check your email addresses!Email check failed, please try againSorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.%d bloggers like this:

By admin

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *