AFFAIRCARE

…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.

Menu

Search for:November 9, 2010Affair, infidelity, , ,

As someone who works every day trying to save marriages that are rocked by an affair, I’ve often thought that somehow there is a disconnect between the Disloyal Spouse thinking “Yes I understand that it hurt you but I was hurt too” and the true understanding of what it is like for the Loyal Spouse when they first find out.  Speaking as someone who understands both sides, I can also say that no matter what adjectives a Loyal Spouse may choose to describe it (like “devastating” or “heartbreaking”) there just are not words to explain the bomb that’s been dropped and all the harm that’s been done.  Language is insufficient to convey the full depth of it and it certainly feels as if the Disloyal doesn’t “get it.”  I’ve often wished there was some way to communicate to a Disloyal what it’s like to hear your spouse is having an affair, and yet every different method or wording I’ve tried has fallen short…

…until today.

Dear Hubby and I are taking classes to become certified nouthetic counselors in addition to our marriage coaching.  If you’re wondering, the term “Nouthetic” comes from the Greek verb “noutheteo” (or the noun “nouthesis”) and means “to admonish, to warn, to teach or to counsel.”  The word is found in numerous passages of Scripture and describes the manner in which we are to counsel and help other Christians.  Biblical (nouthetic) Counseling seeks to change the heart, not just alter behavior (Mk. 7:21-23; Prov. 4:23).  One of our classes was given by a man who is a law enforcement chaplain and his class was basically how to tell if it is an urgent situation, an emergency, or a crisis…and what to expect in a crisis situation.  For example, often the person appears disoriented, becomes hypersensitive or confused, has poor concentration, may shake or shiver, and might go into shock.  It was during this class that I heard an example that hit so close to home that I realized it was very similar to the shock one experiences when you hear about the affair for the first time.

Your 17 year old gets his driver’s license and asks you for the car keys to go to the football game.  He’s going to meet his friends there, but he will not be driving any of them in the car and they don’t plan to go out afterward, so you trust him and give him the keys.  He’s responsible and returns home in a timely manner, and pretty soon you have faith in his maturity.  One day he calls and says there’s been a minor fender bender, but no one is injured and information has been exchanged.  There’s a small ding in the trust and it’s urgent but still–he handled it well and these things do happen.  A year goes by with no incident and this time the hospital calls.  There has been an accident and your son was in a car accident; but he just broke his leg and the other driver was at fault.  This is an emergency and is serious, but again all things considered, car accidents do occur…injuries do occur…

Then comes the day you give your son the keys and he says he’ll be home at 11pm, but midnight,1am, 2am, roll around and he doesn’t answer his cell phone.  You’re worried sick and wonder what happened.  At 3am you get a knock on the door and see two uniformed men, one with a chaplains badge on your porch and you know….

…and that moment right there is what it’s like to find out your spouse is having an affair.  That immediate “NOOOOOOO!” and the world dropping out from under your feet.  Everything you loved and lived for is dead, and the initial numbness and disbelief are quickly overshadowed with an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and loss.  The pain of hearing your spouse is having an affair has been reported as being greater than a spouse or child dying, and having been there, I’d agree that’s a true statement.  So next time you’re thinking “…I know I hurt you but I hurt too…” just remember the two uniformed officers at the door.

http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=affaircare-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=0060928174&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifrEnhanced by Zemanta(function(g){g.__ATA.initAd({sectionId:130712711, width:300, height:250});})(window);

Do you love it? SHARE IT!!

Post navigation

4 thoughts on “Finding Out: What It Feels Like to Hear that Your Spouse is Having an Affair”

  1. Anonymous says:November 9, 2010 at 7:26 PM

    Wow, that is a powerful analogy. Thank you. I will always remember that when my husband tries to convey to me how much I hurt him.😦

    Reply

  2. Pingback: What It Feels Like to Discover that Your Spouse is Cheating | AFFAIRCARE
  3. Pingback: What It Feels Like to Discover That Your Spouse is Cheating | AFFAIRCARE
  4. Pingback: Help! How do I deal with discovering a secret affair child? Part 1 | AFFAIRCARE

Leave a Reply

GravatarEmail (required) (Address never made public)Name (required)WebsiteWordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. ( Log Out / Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s

var highlander_expando_javascript = function(){var input = document.createElement( ‘input’ ), comment = jQuery( ‘#comment’ );if ( ‘placeholder’ in input ) {comment.attr( ‘placeholder’, jQuery( ‘.comment-textarea label’ ).remove().text() );}// Expando Mode: start small, then auto-resize on first clicktext lengthjQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).hide();comment.css( { ‘height’:’10px’ } ).one( ‘focus’, function() {var timer = setInterval( HighlanderComments.resizeCallback, 10 )jQuery( this ).animate( { ‘height’: HighlanderComments.initialHeight } ).delay( 100 ).queue( function(n) { clearInterval( timer ); HighlanderComments.resizeCallback(); n(); } );jQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).slideDown();});}jQuery(document).ready( highlander_expando_javascript );

Notify me of new comments via email.

Notify me of new posts via email.

And while you’re shopping on Amazon, don’t forget our book: “Affaircare: Caring for Your Marriage After an Affair”!

Follow our blog

Subscribe to Affaircare and get tips in your email about keeping your marriage affair-free or saving your marriage after an affair!
.

Join 841 other followers

Do you want help delivered right to your inbox?

Get our book! “Affaircare: Caring for Your Marriage After an Affair”

The Affaircare Feed

 RSS – Posts

Download the Affaircare Podcast

On iTunes:
On Stitcher:

Affaircare Romance Calendar

Affaircare will PRAY with you!

Affaircare on Facebook

Affaircare on Facebook

(function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = ‘//connect.facebook.net/en_US/sdk.js#xfbml=1&appId=249643311490&version=v2.3’; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, ‘script’, ‘facebook-jssdk’));

Follow me on Twitter

Watch us, Pin Us, Link to us, Join our Circle!


Download the Affaircare APP!

Search for:NetworkedBlogsBlog:AffaircareTopics: Infidelity, Marriage, Christian  Follow my blogCreative Commons License
This entire site, the articles and the blogs are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.

__________________________

AFFAIRCARE claims no credit for any images posted on this site unless otherwise noted. Images on this blog are copyright to its respectful owners. If there is an image appearing on this blog that belongs to you and do not wish for it appear on this site, please E-mail with a link to said image and it will be promptly removed

Map of our Readers

Proud Member of Blogging 101

Blogging U.Real Time Web Analytics Clicky The Twenty Thirteen Theme.Blog at WordPress.com.!function(d,s,id){var js,fjs=d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0],p=/^http:/.test(d.location)?’http’:’https’;if(!d.getElementById(id)){js=d.createElement(s);js.id=id;js.src=p+”://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js”;fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js,fjs);}}(document,”script”,”twitter-wjs”);/* */var WPGroHo = {“my_hash”:””};/* ]]> *///initialize and attach hovercards to all gravatarsjQuery( document ).ready( function( $ ) {if (typeof Gravatar === “undefined”){return;}if ( typeof Gravatar.init !== “function” ) {return;}Gravatar.profile_cb = function( hash, id ) {WPGroHo.syncProfileData( hash, id );};Gravatar.my_hash = WPGroHo.my_hash;Gravatar.init( ‘body’, ‘#wp-admin-bar-my-account’ );});/* */var HighlanderComments = {“loggingInText”:”Logging Inu2026″,”submittingText”:”Posting Commentu2026″,”postCommentText”:”Post Comment”,”connectingToText”:”Connecting to %s”,”commentingAsText”:”%1$s: You are commenting using your %2$s account.”,”logoutText”:”Log Out”,”loginText”:”Log In”,”connectURL”:”https://affaircare.wordpress.com/public.api/connect/?action=request”,”logoutURL”:”https://affaircare.wordpress.com/wp-login.php?action=logout&_wpnonce=1a5adc6041″,”homeURL”:”http://affaircare.com/”,”postID”:”151″,”gravDefault”:”blank”,”enterACommentError”:”Please enter a comment”,”enterEmailError”:”Please enter your email address here”,”invalidEmailError”:”Invalid email address”,”enterAuthorError”:”Please enter your name here”,”gravatarFromEmail”:”This picture will show whenever you leave a comment. Click to customize it.”,”logInToExternalAccount”:”Log in to use details from one of these accounts.”,”change”:”Change”,”changeAccount”:”Change Account”,”comment_registration”:””,”userIsLoggedIn”:””,”isJetpack”:”0″,”text_direction”:”ltr”};/* ]]> */Follow

Follow “AFFAIRCARE”

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 841 other followers

Build a website with WordPress.comtry {window._ttf = window._ttf || [];_ttf.push({ pid : 25030 ,lang : “en” ,slot : ‘.ebzNative’ ,minSlot : 0 ,format : “inread” ,components: { skip: {delay: 0} } ,css : “margin: 0px 0px;”});(function (d) { var js, s = d.getElementsByTagName(‘script’)[0]; js = d.createElement(‘script’); js.async = true; js.src = ‘//cdn.teads.tv/media/format.js’; s.parentNode.insertBefore(js, s);})(window.document);} catch(e) {}//>window.WPCOM_sharing_counts = {“http://affaircare.com/2010/11/09/finding-out-what-it-feels-like-to-hear-that-your-spouse-is-having-an-affair/”:151};var windowOpen;jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-facebook’ ).on( ‘click’, function() {if ( ‘undefined’ !== typeof windowOpen ){ // If there’s another sharing window open, close it.windowOpen.close();}windowOpen = window.open( jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomfacebook’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=400’ );return false;});});(function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = ‘//connect.facebook.net/en_US/sdk.js#xfbml=1&appId=249643311490&version=v2.3’; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, ‘script’, ‘facebook-jssdk’));jQuery( document.body ).on( ‘post-load’, function() {if ( ‘undefined’ !== typeof FB ) {FB.XFBML.parse();}} );!function(d,s,id){var js,fjs=d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0],p=/^http:/.test(d.location)?’http’:’https’;if(!d.getElementById(id)){js=d.createElement(s);js.id=id;js.src=p+’://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js’;fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js,fjs);}}(document, ‘script’, ‘twitter-wjs’);jQuery( document ).ready( function() { jQuery.getScript( ‘//platform.linkedin.com/in.js?async=true’, function success() { IN.init(); });});jQuery( document.body ).on( ‘post-load’, function() {if ( typeof IN != ‘undefined’ )IN.parse();});// Pinterest shared resourcesvar s = document.createElement(“script”);s.type = “text/javascript”;s.async = true;s.setAttribute(‘data-pin-hover’, true);s.src = window.location.protocol”//assets.pinterest.com/js/pinit.js”;var x = document.getElementsByTagName(“script”)[0];x.parentNode.insertBefore(s, x);// if ‘Pin it’ button has ‘counts’ make container widerjQuery(window).load( function(){ jQuery( ‘li.share-pinterest a span:visible’ ).closest( ‘.share-pinterest’ ).width( ’80px’ ); } );function renderGooglePlus1() {if ( ‘undefined’ === typeof gapi ) {return;}jQuery( ‘.g-plus’ ).each(function() {var $button = jQuery( this );if ( ! $button.data( ‘gplus-rendered’ ) ) {gapi.plusone.render( this, {href: $button.attr( ‘data-href’ ),size: $button.attr( ‘data-size’ ),annotation: $button.attr( ‘data-annotation’ )});$button.data( ‘gplus-rendered’, true );}});}(function() {var po = document.createElement(‘script’); po.type = ‘text/javascript’; po.async = true;po.src = ‘https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js’;po.innerHTML = ‘{“parsetags”: “explicit”}’;po.onload = renderGooglePlus1;var s = document.getElementsByTagName(‘script’)[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(po, s);})();jQuery( document.body ).on( ‘post-load’, renderGooglePlus1 );Send to Email AddressYour NameYour Email Address document.getElementById(‘jetpack-source_f_name’).value = ”; Post was not sent – check your email addresses!Email check failed, please try againSorry, your blog cannot share posts by email./* */var JetpackEmojiSettings = {“base_url”:”http://s0.wp.com/wp-content/mu-plugins/emoji/twemoji/”};/* ]]> *//* */var sharing_js_options = {“lang”:”en”,”counts”:”1″};/* ]]> */// (function() {try{ if ( window.external &&’msIsSiteMode’ in window.external) { if (window.external.msIsSiteMode()) { var jl = document.createElement(‘script’); jl.type=’text/javascript’; jl.async=true; jl.src=’/wp-content/plugins/ie-sitemode/custom-jumplist.php’; var s = document.getElementsByTagName(‘script’)[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(jl, s); } }}catch(e){}})();// ]]>var skimlinks_pub_id = “725X584219″var skimlinks_sitename = “affaircare.wordpress.com”;%d bloggers like this:

    _tkq = window._tkq || [];_stq = window._stq || [];_tkq.push([‘storeContext’, {‘blog_id’:’13071271′,’blog_tz’:’-7′,’user_lang’:’en’,’blog_lang’:’en’,’user_id’:’0′}]);_stq.push([‘view’, {‘blog’:’13071271′,’v’:’wpcom’,’tz’:’-7′,’user_id’:’0′,’post’:’151′,’subd’:’affaircare’}]);_stq.push([‘extra’, {‘crypt’:’UE5tW3cvZGQ/JUs1UEpSWU9oLlImW0RodndBQ21tWDdUUyZSfiUtdVo5QkNvUWtpaVZGVV9HblsrcXpNQV8sbUZxTUYrdlNVPUdyQlhzQUIlUUJbTlh2YXw9VXUxPVJKN3N0NWxweSVEZyZqbk5SYWJ4enJ+aGlDcVZtW0lzZ1t3PUh4MD9kanxxYSs1T1NQY3ZGMCxlWlJKeVNuQiZSUSUtc0RKN3lqfEsmMHcsSWI5WnktS3Fyb0ZOZWhDZ3RKYkx3LFVkfDQ1PXZZbHp+KzAlVi5wNWErNmpQVURKMF09b35SMjEyUjEyPys3eDNOUm4rP1dmSz0mfkJLdEdvQm8mZ1UuVHN3OSVYW1YxK1hbeUw5NlhQaQ==’}]);_stq.push([ ‘clickTrackerInit’, ‘13071271’, ‘151’ ]);if ( ‘object’ === typeof wpcom_mobile_user_agent_info ) {wpcom_mobile_user_agent_info.init();var mobileStatsQueryString = “”;if( false !== wpcom_mobile_user_agent_info.matchedPlatformName )mobileStatsQueryString += “&x_”‘mobile_platforms”=’wpcom_mobile_user_agent_info.matchedPlatformName;if( false !== wpcom_mobile_user_agent_info.matchedUserAgentName )mobileStatsQueryString += “&x_”‘mobile_devices”=’wpcom_mobile_user_agent_info.matchedUserAgentName;if( wpcom_mobile_user_agent_info.isIPad() )mobileStatsQueryString += “&x_”‘ipad_views”=”views’;if( “” != mobileStatsQueryString ) {new Image().src = document.location.protocol’//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv’mobileStatsQueryString’&baba=’Math.random();}}

By admin

Leave a Reply to Marriage Blueprint: The Purpose of Marriage – AFFAIRCARE Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *