You’ve suspected for a while that something is not right between you and your spouse. Maybe they were spending lots of extra hours “at work” but there was no overtime on their paycheck. Maybe they completely changed their music, hairstyle, or clothing choices to something appropriate for someone decades younger. Maybe they were chatting or texting all the time and then deleted everything so you couldn’t see it. Whatever the reasons, you had a sneaking suspicion something wasn’t right…
There are seven specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe your spouse may be unfaithful. This week we’ll be going over two steps in more detail every day, and today it’s step one and two. There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.
Step 1) Gather evidence. Just to be clear, it is very typical for the disloyal spouse to deny they are having an affair, even if you walk in and catch them “in the act” so to speak. They jump up and as they’re putting their clothes on they’ll say “It’s not what it looks like!” So this step is not so much to use as proof to make the disloyal spouse confess, so much as it is proof to the loyal spouse that they are not making a mountain out of a molehill…something REALLY IS going on. So if you suspect, keep an open mind and gather evidence to either prove or disprove your theory. In some states it is illegal to tape someone without their knowledge so you may want to check your state’s laws on electronic surveillance. Click here for links to your state’s electronic surveillance laws. In general some typical “evidence” could be looking at emails if the disloyal leaves their email open (print them!), looking at the cell phone pictures and texts if their phone is left unlocked, or logging onto your joint cell phone bill online and looking for 2000 minutes to the same phone number.
Step 2) Confront. Once the loyal spouse is convinced that there is an emotional or physical affair, the first step is to go to the disloyal directly and tell them to their face that you know about the affair and have evidence in a safe place that proves it’s real irrefutably. Don’t tell them where it is or what it is necessarily, just make the statement that you know about it. Then state right out loud that in order for the marriage to work there can not be infidelity and ask them point blank to end the affair. Ending the affair means that they can never, EVER contact the other person ever again, and they agree to be accountable for their time by sharing passwords to their accounts (facebook, all email accounts, cell phones…etc.). On the occasion there are disloyal spouses who will fall apart just upon being discovered and who have been looking for a way to get out of it but didn’t know how. If this is your case, consider yourself blessed and move to the phase of recovering your marriage!! If it is not, move to the next step.