Menu
…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.
January 29, 2010 by Cindy at AffaircareLeave a comment
Recently I’ve been a little stymied on the blog and I just could not get a grasp of a topic that was relevant to affairs but something personal that I also wanted to write about. Now I’ve been a writer my whole life and I know that these “dry patches” happen so I knew life would drop a topic into my lap eventually. My Dear Hubby’s ex actually dropped the topic for us.
My Dear Hubby and I have unusual relationships with our exes, I believe. We are in touch with them both and neither one of us has animosity toward our ex or toward our spouse’s ex. Would we have made the life choices that they made? HECK NO! But people have to learn the way they have to learn, right? Anyway, yesterday my Dear Hubby had to be in touch with his ex about another topic, and she said something to this effect, “Boy I was a hard person to live with! How could you stand being with me?” and his answer was “I just decided to love you.” BAM! There’s the topic I’ve been waiting for (and hopefully the end of my dry spell). In one sentence my Dear Hubby was able to sum up years of what I’ve learned by studying marriages and affairs. It is a decision.
Unfortunately here in the USA we are inundated every day with the message that sex is love and that infidelity is a love affair. People search earnestly for “happiness” and “true love” and for most of their lives they are fed the wrong message. Our TV programs show tawdry sex in the afternoon soaps, and the evening shows like “Desperate Housewives” and “The Bachelor” show that love is an emotion or something you win by being catty and conniving! Staying faithful is a marriage is something to be laughed at in most of the sitcoms, and people are routinely portrayed as finding their soul mate and then living forever in the state of wedded infatuation and steamy hot passion. But it’s not only TV that shows us these values. Everywhere you look, it’s in magazines, in the news, and on the internet–even one christian forum I post on had to ask GoogleAds to stop the sex ads showing “Girls from (your city) want to have sex with you right now!” Furthermore, our celebrities (being human just like us) over and over again fall into the trap of infidelity, and their affair is portrayed as a “love affair”…as if two people met and fell so desperately and deeply in love they could not resist each other. That is the way affairs are idealized!
But after studying, investigating, researching and working with couples in troubled marriages for more than a decade, I have come to the conclusion that the messages that we are getting on TV, magazines, news and internet are just not true. Love is not sexual passion, nor is it a feeling or emotion that floods over you that you can’t resist. Love is a decision. And being faithful is a decision.
When we marry, we contract with another person to be faithful to them and live with them through all that life offers for a lifetime–hopefully that’s 50, 60 or even 70 years. I don’t think there is any way to expect to be so passionately deeply in love for 70 years that you can’t resist each other–and yet that’s what people pursue! At some point over almost a century together, life is going to throw you some curves: health problems, lost jobs, moving across the country, death in the family, having a child. All these things are difficulties that can affect a marriage and make one or both of the partners “unhappy.” So at some point love is a decision. You just DECIDE to love the person to whom you are married despite the fact you’re not happy right this moment, or despite the fact they are not handling their family member’s death so well. So love is not “chemistry” or that emotional feeling that overwhelms you when you feel intimately connected to someone. Love is a conscious, conscientious choice–a conclusion that you reach–a determination. True Love involves the mind.
In fact, just as my Dear Hubby did with his ex, you may even decide to love your spouse despite the fact that they aren’t behaving in a particularly loving way! Just like True Love, being faithful is a conscientious choice. The difference between Love and being faithful is that when a person is faithful, they get to know them self and their personal weaknesses, and they put up hedges to protect their marriage and their spouse. Not only is there the decision to use will power and not stray, but also the decision to stop a temptation before it even hits you! And if a temptation does hit–there is the decision that it is more important to honor the commitment made to one person than it is to pursue “happiness” or that emotional feeling.
So we decide. And if we make a mistake and choose the wrong thing we decide again! We can decide to admit we were wrong and get back on the right track…and that’s honorable and the way back to reconciling and recovering after an affair.
About these adsvar wpcom_adclk_hovering = false;var wpcom_adclk_recorded = false;var wpcom_adclk_theme = “Yoko”;var wpcom_adclk_slot = “wpcom_below_post_adsafe”;var wpcom_adclk_network = ( typeof wpcom_adclk_network === “undefined” ) ? “” : wpcom_adclk_network ;jQuery(document).ready( function() {function wpcom_adclk_hover_yes() { wpcom_adclk_hovering = true; }function wpcom_adclk_hover_no() { wpcom_adclk_hovering = false; }jQuery(“.wpa”).click(wpcom_adclk_click);jQuery(“.wpa iframe”).hover( wpcom_adclk_hover_yes, wpcom_adclk_hover_no );jQuery(“.wpa object”).hover( wpcom_adclk_hover_yes, wpcom_adclk_hover_no );jQuery(window).blur( function() {if ( wpcom_adclk_hovering ) { wpcom_adclk_click(); }});});function wpcom_adclk_impression() {var stat_gif = document.location.protocol”//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv”;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_theme=”wpcom_adclk_theme;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_placement=”+wpcom_adclk_slot;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_network=”wpcom_adclk_network;stat_gif += “&x_ads_imp_theme_network=”+wpcom_adclk_theme+”_”+wpcom_adclk_network;new Image().src = stat_gif”&baba=”Math.random();return true;}function wpcom_adclk_click() {if (wpcom_adclk_recorded) { return true; } // no double countingvar stat_gif = document.location.protocol”//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv”;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_theme=”wpcom_adclk_theme;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_placement=”+wpcom_adclk_slot;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_network=”wpcom_adclk_network;stat_gif += “&x_ads_click_theme_network=”+wpcom_adclk_theme+”_”+wpcom_adclk_network;new Image().src = stat_gif”&baba=”Math.random();wpcom_adclk_recorded = true;var now=new Date(); var end=now.getTime()+250;while(true){now=new Date();if(now.getTime()>end){break;}}return true;}if ( typeof GA_googleAddAttr == ‘function’ ) {GA_googleAddAttr(“AdOpt”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Origin”, “other”);GA_googleAddAttr(“LangId”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Domain”, “affaircare.com”);GA_googleAddAttr(“BlogId”, “13071271”);GA_googleAddAttr(“PageURL”, “http://affaircare.com/2010/01/29/decisions/”);GA_googleAddAttr(“AdSafe”, “1”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Autotag”, “religion”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Autotag”, “books”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Autotag”, “entertainment”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “affair”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “infidelity”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Tag”, “marriage”);GA_googleAddAttr(“Partner”, “AOL”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_bg”, “ffffff”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_text”, “777777”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_link”, “009bc2”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_border”, “dddddd”);GA_googleAddAttr(“theme_url”, “009bc2”);GA_googleAddAdSensePageAttr(“google_page_url”, “http://affaircare.com/2010/01/29/decisions/”);GA_googleFillSlot(“wpcom_below_post_adsafe”);}div.wpa>div { margin-top: 1em; } #google_ads_div_wpcom_below_post_adsafe_ad_container { display: block !important; }jQuery( window ).load( function() { if ( jQuery(“.wpa script[src*=’virool.com’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa script[src*=’shareth.ru’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa iframe[src*=’boomvideo.tv’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa iframe[src*=’viewablemedia.net’]”).length > 0 || jQuery(“.wpa .sharethrough-placement”).length > 0 ) { jQuery( ‘.wpa’ ).css( ‘width’, ‘400px’ ); }setTimeout(function(){if(typeof GS_googleAddAdSenseService !== ‘function’){new Image().src=document.location.protocol+”//pixel.wp.com/g.gif?v=wpcom-no-pv&x_noads=adblock&baba=”+Math.random()}},100);} );
Do you love it? SHARE IT!!
Categories: Affair, marriage | Permalink.
Leave a Reply
Email (required) (Address never made public)Name (required)Website
You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out / Change )
You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out / Change )
You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out / Change )
You are commenting using your Google+ account. ( Log Out / Change )
Connecting to %s
var highlander_expando_javascript = function(){var input = document.createElement( ‘input’ ), comment = jQuery( ‘#comment’ );if ( ‘placeholder’ in input ) {comment.attr( ‘placeholder’, jQuery( ‘.comment-textarea label’ ).remove().text() );}// Expando Mode: start small, then auto-resize on first clicktext lengthjQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).hide();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).hide();comment.css( { ‘height’:’10px’ } ).one( ‘focus’, function() {var timer = setInterval( HighlanderComments.resizeCallback, 10 )jQuery( this ).animate( { ‘height’: HighlanderComments.initialHeight } ).delay( 100 ).queue( function(n) { clearInterval( timer ); HighlanderComments.resizeCallback(); n(); } );jQuery( ‘#comment-form-identity’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#comment-form-subscribe’ ).slideDown();jQuery( ‘#commentform .form-submit’ ).slideDown();});}jQuery(document).ready( highlander_expando_javascript );
Notify me of follow-up comments via email.
Notify me of new posts via email.
Post navigation← Previous PostNext Post →
Follow our blog
Subscribe to Affaircare and get tips in your email about keeping your marriage affair-free or saving your marriage after an affair!
.
Join 494 other followers
Do you want help delivered right to your inbox?
Download the Affaircare APP!
Affaircare Forums
Romance Calendar
Are you ‘romance-impaired’? Do you need a little help remembering how to be romantic? Here’s one romantic idea every day!
Prayer Requests
Chat with Affaircare
We are on Pacific Time and if we are not available to chat, it will email us!
Follow Us, Like Us, Pin Us, Link to us, Join our Circle!
Feed
Support Affaircare!
And while you’re shopping on Amazon, don’t forget our book: “Affaircare: Caring for Your Marriage After an Affair”!
Meet the CMBA Members!
Click here for links to all the members of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association
Internet Defense League member
NetworkedBlogsBlog:AffaircareTopics: Infidelity, Marriage, Christian Follow my blog
This entire site, the articles and the blogs are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.
Map of our Readers
Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com. | The Yoko Theme.
Top/* */var WPGroHo = {“my_hash”:””};/* ]]> *///initialize and attach hovercards to all gravatarsjQuery( document ).ready( function( $ ) {if ( typeof Gravatar.init !== “function” ) {return;}Gravatar.profile_cb = function( hash, id ) {WPGroHo.syncProfileData( hash, id );};Gravatar.my_hash = WPGroHo.my_hash;Gravatar.init( ‘body’, ‘#wp-admin-bar-my-account’ );});/* */var HighlanderComments = {“loggingInText”:”Logging Inu2026″,”submittingText”:”Posting Commentu2026″,”postCommentText”:”Post Comment”,”connectingToText”:”Connecting to %s”,”commentingAsText”:”%1$s: You are commenting using your %2$s account.”,”logoutText”:”Log Out”,”loginText”:”Log In”,”connectURL”:”http://affaircare.wordpress.com/public.api/connect/?action=request”,”logoutURL”:”https://affaircare.wordpress.com/wp-login.php?action=logout&_wpnonce=6a4239c6f7″,”homeURL”:”http://affaircare.com/”,”postID”:”110″,”gravDefault”:”blank”,”enterACommentError”:”Please enter a comment”,”enterEmailError”:”Please enter your email address here”,”invalidEmailError”:”Invalid email address”,”enterAuthorError”:”Please enter your name here”,”gravatarFromEmail”:”This picture will show whenever you leave a comment. Click to customize it.”,”logInToExternalAccount”:”Log in to use details from one of these accounts.”,”change”:”Change”,”changeAccount”:”Change Account”,”comment_registration”:””,”userIsLoggedIn”:””,”isJetpack”:”0″};/* ]]> */Follow
Follow “AFFAIRCARE”
Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.
Join 494 other followers
Powered by WordPress.com//>WPCOM_sharing_counts = {“http://affaircare.com/2010/01/29/decisions/”:110}jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-facebook’ ).on( ‘click’, function() {window.open( jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomfacebook’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=400’ );return false;});});jQuery(document).on( ‘ready post-load’, function(){jQuery( ‘a.share-twitter’ ).on( ‘click’, function() {window.open( jQuery(this).attr( ‘href’ ), ‘wpcomtwitter’, ‘menubar=1,resizable=1,width=600,height=350’ );return false;});});jQuery( document ).ready( function() { jQuery.getScript( ‘//platform.linkedin.com/in.js?async=true’, function success() { IN.init(); });});jQuery( document.body ).on( ‘post-load’, function() {if ( typeof IN != ‘undefined’ )IN.parse();});// Pinterest shared resourcesvar s = document.createElement(“script”);s.type = “text/javascript”;s.async = true;s.src = window.location.protocol”//assets.pinterest.com/js/pinit.js”;var x = document.getElementsByTagName(“script”)[0];x.parentNode.insertBefore(s, x);// if ‘Pin it’ button has ‘counts’ make container widerjQuery(window).load( function(){ jQuery( ‘li.share-pinterest a span:visible’ ).closest( ‘.share-pinterest’ ).width( ’80px’ ); } ); (function() { var po = document.createElement(‘script’); po.type = ‘text/javascript’; po.async = true; po.src = ‘https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js’; var s = document.getElementsByTagName(‘script’)[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(po, s); })();Send to Email AddressYour NameYour Email AddressCancelPost was not sent – check your email addresses!Email check failed, please try againSorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.%d bloggers like this: