Tag Archives: Husband

When people say “God is my Husband” or “Jesus is Enough”

 Heart Puzzle

I was reading “Is Jesus Really Enough?” by Lilly Grace, and her blog really got me thinking.  In fact, it inspired me so much I wanted to write about it!  

My “blog sister” Lilly Grace is in a difficult marriage–her husband reminds me of Abigail’s first husband, Nabal.  He is not loving and gentle and kind toward her, but she doesn’t give up.  I would say I’m in a difficult marriage, but not because my husband is abusive or because our marriage is sexless!  Nope, my Dear Hubby who writes here often is a WONDERFUL man and a loving husband, but my Dear Hubby is very ill and so I do have many things I have to do “by myself” where others might have their spouse to support them.  And I’m sure that many of you here who read my blog can relate–if your spouse is committing adultery, whether it’s an emotional affair or a physical affair, your marriage is DIFFICULT.  It can feel very lonely.  You may not have your spouse there for you.  Your Disloyal Spouse is probably angry, abusive, deceptive, dishonest, and hurtful.  Chances are good that your sex life is suffering, and you miss the hugs and kisses and loving physical touches.  

But I still hate it when people say cliche kind of responses like these because they don’t really HELP. I don’t need some meaningless cliche–I need some understanding, sympathy or at least something that’s actually helpful! LOL I will say one thing about these sayings though: they aren’t utterly inaccurate.

To me, when I think of “God is my husband” what I truly, honestly think of in my head is that as a woman, I want a male person to treat me with love and kindness and gentleness, and God is not a male human in flesh and blood in front of me. But when I think about marriage, I think that it is an image of the way God wants to be with us…with ME. Marriage reflects the intimate knowledge of one male person to one female person–full, deep, true KNOWING and BEING KNOWN with covenant commitment to each other. This is what God wants: He wants me to fully, deeply, truly know Him and been known by Him.  He wants covenant commitment to each other. And in that sense, He is my Husband.  

Likewise, I think of “Jesus is enough” I think of Jesus, who is fully the Maker and Creator of the Universe, but who humbled Himself and took on flesh. He was fully GOD, but he experienced the hunger, tiredness, frustration, limitation and yes physical sexual hormones and everything that comes with a human body…and He voluntarily gave Himself to torture and death to atone for us! If He can endure that for us, then yes, I can endure what physical discomforts this short time here on earth  may give me, even if it’s being horny or without sex.  After all, the point of sex is not “to relieve my horny physical itch” but to physically share in the pleasure of my spouse and serve them!  My focus in sex is on intimacy and on my spouse.  

And the last thing I think of is actually adultery, and I think of that because so often we think of our little pain or our loneliness or our lack of sex and try to justify to ourselves “Well, God would want me to be happy” or some such nonsense.  But in real life, marriage is a mirror of our relationship to God (as the Bride of Christ)…and adultery is a mirror of our relationship to God before Christ!  He loved us, as a husband loves his bride, and we “cheated” on Him by loving other gods and chasing them rather than being faithful to Him.  We were rageful, hateful, deceptive, dishonest, and followed our lusts–and despite all that, God kept His covenant with us and sent Jesus to pay the price in our place.  

So at times, the frustration and loneliness and longing for just loving physical touch can feel overwhelming and be very hard to bear–but then I think of what marriage is, what a covenant commitment means, and how God loved me (His Bride) when I was committing adultery.  And with His help, I can endure this small trial here.  

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My Vows

Do you remember the vows you took on your wedding day?  Word for word?  I remember mine.  My Dear Hubby and I were not dewy-eyed youths when we got married, and we wrote vows to really express the covenant we were making.

I,      Affaircare    , in faith, honesty and love, take you,     Dear Hubby    , to be my wedded husband to share with you God’s plan for our lives together united in Christ.–In the first sentence, I wanted the part in there about sharing with my Dear Hubby God’s plan for our lives, because I wanted to express that we weren’t just here to live for our happiness individually or “our” happiness as a couple, but rather, we were put together specifically to perform a plan that God had for us.  I was to do my wifely duties; he was to do his husbandly duties; and TOGETHER we were to do God’s plan for us…not our own!  Furthermore, that sentence ends with “together united in Christ” because we are both believers–so not only do Dear Hubby and I unite to each other…but we also unite in Christ.

As you have pledged to me your life and love, so I too happily give you my life and love.–This sentence is all about one thing: being married is not about “what’s in it for me?” but it’s all about “What am I going to voluntarily and willingly give TO YOU?”  As a married person, my job and my focus are on studying my husband and learning how to be the best wife I am able to be.  When you become focused only on yourself and your own happiness, rather than focusing on your spouse and on doing what pleases God–that’s when marriages can be torn apart!

It is my prayer and desire that you will find in me the helpmeet God designed especially for you, and in confidence submit myself to your headship as to the Lord.–This part of my vows was my way of acknowledge the authority in my new marriage and the role I saw myself playing, namely that my husband would be the head, that I would willingly submit to him, and that I saw my role as being not just “his helper” but someone who would be fit to help him grow and assist him in his work.

Through the pressures of the present and the uncertainties of the future, I promise to be faithful to you—for better, for worse; in sickness and in health, in joys and in sorrows until in death do we part.–Boy, I bet when everyone says this part of their vows they THINK they mean it, but wow…life can really throw some zingers at you!  For example, this part of the vows means: “I will not threaten to leave when your ex-spouse is a hassle and tries to interfere in our marriage.”  It also means “When your ex stops paying child support and the kids are living at our house all the time, I will stay with you and work it out.”  It also means “When we hit menopause and our sex drives change up, I won’t just leave because I’m not happy.”  It also means “When you get a chronic, life-long illness I won’t just up and leave you when you are too ill to meet my needs.”  It also means “When you lose your job and feel like the dirt on a worm’s shoe, I’ll be the one standing by you.”  It also means “When you parents die and you close up to deal with it, I will patiently wait for you.”  DO NOT take this part lightly, because it means that through every trial and tribulation of life, you promise to turn TOWARD your spouse.

Therefore I pledge you my life as an obedient, faithful and loving wife and pray I will fulfill God’s place in our home.–Yep you see it there–that scary “obey” word.  To me, this sentence is once again stating what I see as the role in the marriage.  It’s not my job to make sure the marriage steers in the right spiritual direction.  That’s my Dear Hubby’s job.  When I’m standing up there before God, He’s not going to put the responsibility of directing the family on me–He’s going to ask me “Did you respect your husband’s authority?”  If I did, that would be fulfilling my place in our home.

“Whither thou goest I will go; whither thou lodgest I will lodge. Thy people shall be my people and they God, my God.”   In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.–Ah the conclusion.  I’ve always liked the story of Ruth.  I love how she was originally from Moab–grew up outside the covenant and just happened to marry a guy who was an Israelite but who was disobeying God.  So she learned about I AM from her husband and she “got it”… through God’s gift of faith, she understood!  Then when her husband died, her mother-in-law says “Hey you’re young yet.  You go to your own family and have a good life and I’m heading back to Israel” but what does Ruth say?   She says THIS VERSE, because she knows that her duty is to help take care of her mother-in-law, and she knows that her mother-in-law’s God is The One God!  She does the honorable thing, pleasing God, and as the rest of the story progresses, she ends up meeting Boaz, they get married and is the grandmother of King David and in the lineage of Christ.  So yeah I love her.  She was an “outsider” and God loved her and added her to His elect.

So there you have it!  My vows:

I,      Affaircare    , in faith, honesty and love, take you,      Dear Hubby     , to be my wedded husband to share with you God’s plan for our lives together united in Christ.   As you have pledged to me your life and love, so I too happily give you my life and love.   It is my prayer and desire that you will find in me the helpmeet God designed especially for you, and in confidence submit myself to your headship as to the Lord.  Through the pressures of the present and the uncertainties of the future, I promise to be faithful to you—for better, for worse; in sickness and in health, in joys and in sorrows until in death do we part.   Therefore I pledge you my life as an obedient, faithful and loving wife and pray I will fulfill God’s place in our home.   “Whither thou goest I will go; whither thou lodgest I will lodge. Thy people shall be my people and they God, my God.”   In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Do you remember your vows? If you do, post them in a comment and let’s talk about them.

This is post is part of the Ultimate Blog Challenge!

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And on Tuesdays I also join this Godly Link-up:

Top Ten Marriage Sites to help your Christian marriage grow

Obviously we think our own site is the bomb.  We specifically help people keep their marriage affair-free, or if there is an affair, to recover after the affair.  We do help anyone who comes and asks for it, but we do primarily focus on Christians and we definitely have a nouthetic approach.

Thus, this list is very focused on Christian marriage and that’s because we do believe that to REALLY recover after infidelity, a person has to turn their life over to God.  The priority isn’t the marriage but rather doing what pleases God.  Thus we are in the trenches with several other folks in our industry who are  helping couples build stronger, healthier, more loving, godly marriages.  We want to toot their horns!

#10 Christian Nymphos – Don’t let the name throw you (although is sort-of threw me at first)!  I like this site because they identify first as Christian women who belong to God and have a saving faith in Christ‘s work.  Then they go on to say that they “… submit all of (their) sexual desires to His authority so that (their) expressions of passion with (their) husbands are healthy and appropriate.”  The mission to teach Christian women how to spice it up in a godly way is right on the mark.  Thanks Nymphos!

#9 Trench Diggers – This group is the brainchild of my dear friend, Courtnee Scott.  She wants to put together a directory of REAL help for REAL people…Christians who are willing to jump in the trenches with you and address the real issues that we so often “pretend” are not part of The Church.  Rather than turning a blind eye, let’s help our brothers and sisters out of the trenches.

*8 Generous Wife/Generous Husband – I have made these two one entry because Generous Wife writes from the lady’s point of view for other ladies…and Generous Husband for the men!  But the ministry and encouragement is very similar–namely to help women learn to be better wives and lovers and to help men learn to be better husbands and romancers!

#7 The Hero’s Spouse–MLC Marriage Advocate – I have not been working with Kenda Ruth very long, but I am SO impressed with the little community she has.  Yes it’s true she takes an approach that is more into the psychology (whereas we focus on nouthetic help) but learning all you can about what happens and why can be VERY helpful to both the person having the MLC and the spouse who’s standing for their marriage.  Thank you for this great site!

#6 Intimacy in Marriage – One of the biggest issues I hear, over and over again, is one spouse that says, “Well we’re married now and I am not that interested in sex, so you’re cut off and I expect you to stay faithful to me”  Thankfully we have Julie to speak plainly and openly and help couples come into a more godly view of what sex IS (it is intimacy shared in many ways, not just physically) and IS NOT  (it is not just for *your* pleasure…but your spouse’s!).  Thank you Julie for speaking the truth in a very biblical way.

#5 Black and Married with Kids – What can I say about Lamar and Ronnie Tyler?  First, they are a normal couple just like you or I or anyone else–but second, they make the effort to paint marriage in a POSITIVE light.  Their site is updated daily and addresses the special issues faced by black couples, specifically the positives of being a man, father and husband.  They are a DYNAMO of positive PR for marriage and they are the founders of #MarriageChat on Twitter, every Wednesday night at 9pm ET (6pm PT).  Join us and you’ll see…this week’s topic is “Infidelity!”

#4 Romantic Vineyard–Okay I admit it.  I am utterly in love with the romance of how this site is set up–I mean seriously!  It’s like a walk through a vineyard!  But even beyond that wonderfully inventive ambiance, this site has sound, biblical advice for both men and women and is written in a gentle, loving voice that stays true.  This day and age, that is unusual and so I pick them fourth on my list.

#3 Stupendous Marriage–Again, I have to admit I have a soft spot in my heart for Stu and Lisa, for back in the day, when I was first getting Affaircare off the ground, I got to know them on Facebook and Twitter and they’ve been mentors ever since.  Stu started with “The Marry Blogger” and told his story, gradually, and over time introduced his Beautiful Wife ™ to us all.   Now the two of them have joined forced to bring this ministry even further, and it is a personal but modest way of addressing the damage that porn can create in a marriage…but the encouraging part is that they tell you how to stop.  So catch their show–listen to the podcasts–read the blogs–sift through the resources–and get real help from someone who has “been there, done that” and offers compassionate, godly help for your marriage!

My top two sites for helping your Christian marriage are sort of hard to describe, mainly because neither site focuses only on Christian marriage, but rather both sites focus on Biblically correct admonition FIRST and on renewing our minds which then results in pleasing God and a better marriage.  So while the sites are my number two and number one TOP sites for helping Christian marriages…the better marriages that you’ll find here are a result of reading God’s Word and obeying Him–sort of a by-product, if you will!  So without further adieu:

#2 IBCD “How to Love Your Spouse”–IBCD stands for The Institute for Biblical Counseling & Discipleship and they specifically train people to become Nouthetic Counselors.  The thrust of what is taught is not a particular denominational doctrine, but rather it is focused 100% on Scripture.  What does the SCRIPTURE say?  Not on science…not on admired preachers/teachers…not on worldly wisdom…but purely what does the BIBLE say?  The training for Nouthetic Counseling does include many common counseling issues, but the specific ‘marriage’ area includes topics like “How do I change my husband/wife?”, the Biblical directive for marriage, solving common marital problems (like conflict resolution), and sex!  The reason this is my number two site is that always, Always, ALWAYS the focus is on the Bible and what God says.  So check out their whole site but listen to the MP3’s on marriage!

#1 Institute for Nouthetic Studies blog (by Jay Adams)–Dr. Adams is the man commonly credited with “founding” Nouthetic Counseling.  Of course, we know that God is the actual founder, since He is the one who wrote the Bible and is the Great Counselor, and yet Dr. Adams is the one who coined the phrase.  And over the course of the years, Dr. Adams has written numerous books that ultimately point us to the best way to help your Christian marriage: namely to let GOD do the work and let GOD do the changing!  We are all sinners, and guess what?  Your spouse is too!  And whilst we may observe how this “issue” or that “problem” has certain commonalities, in the end our job as a counselor is to point the person to what the Bible tells them to do, give them the tools to struggle with it, and let the Holy Spirit actually do His work in them.  It’s not us and not necessarily “medication” that will cure someone by transforming them, but the Holy Spirit!  So take it from Dr. Adams…help your Christian marriage by turning to the Bible for “admonishing, correction and instruction.”

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Here’s the Affaircare “Hot Marriage Site” award!

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…and here’s the coding if you want to put it on your site:

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