Tag Archives: God

“Through the eyes of Grace…”

 Day Twelve:

“With all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love.” ~Eph. 4:2

Part of the difficulty you may face as you continue in this 30-day challenge to encourage your husband is that you really are struggling to find positive things to praise. Perhaps the problem is not with your husband. Have you checked your own heart?

Sometimes we get disillusioned because of our own unreasonable or unrealistic
expectations (Prov. 13:12). It may not be that our mates are doing something wrong; it’s simply that we expect too much in some areas.

Our expectations must be met in God alone, and then we will have the right perspective to ask God for the healing and grace we need to respond to others.

How sad that we give more grace to others than to those in our own homes. Today, try to look at your husband through eyes of grace. Verbally thank your husband for what he is already doing.

By Nancy Leigh DeMoss
Published by Revive Our Hearts, © 2005. Permission granted to photocopy in the exact form, including copyright. All other uses require written permission.

Revive Our Hearts * P.O. Box 2000, Niles, MI 49120 * www.ReviveOurHearts.com 

The posts of the past few days have caused a little stir, and I suspect today’s may also.  Today’s challenge is not so much an assignment we have to accomplish as it is a challenge to look at ourselves in the mirror as wives. Sometimes finding something about your husband to praise every day can be…well a challenge!  But sometimes the reason is not is not because of your husband, but rather because of you and your own heart and attitudes.  Today we face ourselves and consider Matthew 7:3-5 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”  

Our culture right now teaches us unique and sort of weird things as women and wives.  The feminist movement tried to correct a real issue (namely: if a male and female with the same education and experience do the same work…the pay should be the same) and then somehow veered to the left and turned that into a view of “equality” that means women get the benefits of a relationship without holding themselves to the responsibilities.  And if a man does try to hold her to the responsibilities, that’s being a “chauvinist” or “sexist.”

Recently I posted Day 9 of the Husband Encouragement Challenge which was the day about listening to your husband.  The concept was not to let him boss you around or “you have to listen to what he says” like you have to listen to your parents–but rather a challenge to focus on what he is trying to share and then repeat it back to validate him and his thoughts.  He has just as much right to his thoughts and feelings as you do!  Plus as his wife it would seem natural that you might care about him.  That day, a male person posted a comment “Wow, with all the issues with marriages I don’t think I’ve heard any of it say to listen to the husband. This was kind of a neat post. Thanks.”  Does that strike anyone else as shocking–that with all the marriage advice and so-called “experts” out there, no one recommends listening to the male in the relationship?  I know for a fact we women expect our men to listen to us!  If it were TRUE equality, wouldn’t that hold us responsible to listen to them? That’s a kind of sad commentary!

Then today I noticed on my brother-in-law‘s blog–Word Around the Net–that he has a post about the “Obedient Wives Clubs” that are springing up in Southeast Asia and catching a few eyes.  Now make no mistake, my brother-in-law has never been married, so it seems to me that he (and the commenters on that post) would be a somewhat decent candidate for what the “average single guy” thinks about women and wives and such. Know what I saw?  That single men see that women apply “equality” when it means the man has to adapt or change to fit the woman, but do not see “equality” when it means looking at themselves and changing or adapting to fit their man!

And this all leads to today’s challenge.  COULD IT BE that part of the reason you have difficulty finding things to praise about your husband is because you expect him to change but don’t change for him?  COULD IT BE that you can’t find things to praise about him because you expect him to listen to you and validate you but you don’t listen to or validate him?  COULD IT BE  that you don’t apply the same “equal” rules to yourself that you expect of him?  If that is the case, please don’t be discouraged (or stiff-necked and stubborn).  Hey I have to admit I was the same way until I saw it!  If you realize this is you,  it’s okay we’ve all made mistakes–the difference is that those who are wise *learn* from their mistakes and stop doing them!  So look at your own self and if you are not looking at your husband through the eyes of Grace–start tonight.

Sex and Marriage … marriage and sex

According to the latest Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey in 2010:

  • 44% “are fully satisfied” with their sex lives.
  • 48% “usually orgasm.” Globally, twice as many men (64%) as women regularly have orgasms.
  • 39% are looking for more love and romance.
  • 36% would like more quality time alone with their partner.
  • 31% would like more fun and better communication and intimacy with their partner .
  • 29% a higher sex drive.
  • 37% want to feel less stressed out and tired.

Did you notice anything interesting about those numbers? I did.

After writing the blog last week entitled “Fidelity is not asking ‘How Far Can I Go?’ ” I started to see it in many aspects of life. Here in the USA we look at many things completely backward to how they really are in reality.

In my previous blog I noted that rather than looking at infidelity like the media does and asking “Is sexting really unfaithfulness?” and wondering how far we can go until we cross the line, we should look at it from the completely OPPOSITE side of the coin, and ask ourselves: “What exactly is faithfulness? How can I be more faithful?”  We do the same exact thing with sex and marriage … marriage and sex.  Namely, we look at it from the exact opposite side of the coin from where we ought!

Look at the figures up above about sex. Do you notice anything? Each and every one of them asks the person basically “What do you want out of sex?” Now I do realize that we can not read another person’s mind and they are responsible for communicating what they want in a respectful request–not a demand. I do realize that. But we look at sex–before marriage and in the marriage
setting–exactly bass ackwards. Here in the USA and in the world at large, sex is looked at as “What can I get out of it?” You get affection. You get romance. You get attention. You get your orgasm. You get horny and your sexual need is met. You have a place for your lust to be satisfied. You get off. You get pleasurable physical feelings. You get…You Get…YOU GET!!

Sex is not meant to be about you!

Okay–let me dial it back a moment. It is the gift of God that when a man and a woman commit to each other for a lifetime, that they lovingly serve each other and meet each other’s needs. In
that covenant He created us such that sex is supposed to be pleasurable. So in that sense, in a marriage, the fact is that you and your spouse will have a sex life and it is intended to be very
pleasurable! BUT we have turned sex from a gift we receive because we commit to another person…into a physical sensation that we pursue selfishly!

Therein lies the rub. Even people who call themselves “christians” will act like they are very special indeed, when they haven’t had sex in X number of months after their non-christian spouse divorced them or if they stay virgins until marriage. Much like fidelity, though, rather than focusing on what sex IS and how it’s supposed to be used, they ask “How far can I go before it’s sex? Can we masturbate but not penetrate?”

So let me put this into perspective for you. Sex is focused on YOUR SPOUSE. Sex is meeting their need. Sex is what you give to someone who has made a covenant with you for a lifetime and is acting on that commitment. Sex means studying THEM, and paying attention to what pleases THEM, and concentrating on THEM, and examining THEM and their beliefs and fantasies about sex. Sex is serving your spouse. Sex is helping your spouse resist temptation. The focus of sex is not on you, your horniness or your pleasure. In other words, don’t think of sex as a “right” — think of it as a “responsibility.” Sex is a type/mirror/picture/symbol of the union Christ has with the Church…His Bride.

Now let’s look at a few bible verses about sex:

1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.
Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Proverbs 5:15-19
Drink water from your own well—share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in public, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Don’t share it with strangers.
Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral

I Corinthians 6:18-20
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
You were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Fidelity isn’t about asking “How Far Can I Go?” and sex in marriage is not about asking “What Can I Get Out of This?”