AFFAIRCARE

What to do if you just heard “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you” or just found out your spouse is having an affair…

1) Don’t be in a rush

Right now, take a deep breath or watch a sunset… do something that is calming and try to stop panicking.  This might be a perfect time to cry.  Although it feels like you have to do something RIGHT NOW, in real life if you take the time to breathe and think things through, it can and will save your sanity and may very well contribute to saving your marriage.  So don’t be in a rush; it’s okay to slow down, think things through, and be deliberate.

Before you speak to your spouse about your marriage and their affair, take time to do a few things.  You will already have to overcome a lot of hurt and obstacles, but this is a GREAT time for you to rise to the occasion and grow as a person. So, before you make things worse by flying off the handle or completely acting like a doormat, take your time, take stock, and prepare.

The second thing you can do is going to be a hard one to swallow.

2)  Take responsibility for your part of what has occurred.  

“WHAT!?” you might say, incredulous.  “Are you kidding me?  My spouse is cheating on me and I’m supposed to take responsibility? Yes.   For the dynamics in your marriage to be different (aka “better”), something has to change, and the only person you can change is YOU. So take a long look at yourself, how you have behaved, buttons you’ve pushed (or stopped pushing) and be honest with yourself. 

I don’t mean accepting the cheating spouse’s excuses or blame.  No they are responsible for the choices they are making.  Blame would be “You made me do this or that” and often it is tempting to either accept all the blame, or to blame your spouse 100% for all the problems!  Nope–taking responsibility is saying “I could have chosen this or that, and I chose this.”  Hey we are all human and we all make bad choices at times.  Just be honest with yourself about the things you did to break down the love between you two, and the things you stopped doing that used to kindle love

Then next thing to do is kind of odd:

3) Do a 180 ^o turn from what you’ve been doing.

Your first instinct might be to beg and plead with your spouse to stay, beseeching them to think of how much they’re hurting you and the children.   Another common instinct is to promise that you’ll change.   These initial instincts deceive you and rarely work because they cause your spouse to lose respect for you and destroy your dignity.  You cannot make your spouse love you or want to love you, so let them know it will hurt you very much but if that’s what they want to do, they are free to leave.   Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting.  Act as if you intend to move on without your spouse and then set about being busy but being the wonderful, loving person you were that attracted them in the first place.  This is the time for you to rise to the occasion, grow as a person, stop doing the things that destroyed the love, and start doing the things that create love!

Maybe you could start by reading our article: “Seven Steps to Ending an Affair.” 

4) Get advice from an expert.

I am not advocating that you need to see a counselor or coach–although we can be really helpful!  I am also not advocating that you tell every member of your church what a louse your spouse is in an attempt to get everyone “on your side.” No, I am talking about getting some help and support, privately and confidentially, from someone you trust who is wise and who will give you wise  counsel in getting through this.  Trust me, it’s hard!  But this person could be a parent or grandparent, pastor, sibling, friend, or professional.  Don’t pick someone who’ll just say “yes” and rant on with you about your spouse, but someone who will really tell you to your face what you need to hear and sometimes just give you a good hug.  By the way, this is not a suggestion that you say to your spouse, “Hey we need to go to marriage counseling.”  No!  This is an expert for you.  This is someone who will be of assistance to you personally. 

If you’d like to contact a coach here at Affaircare–please go to our “Contact Us-Fees“ page.  We’d be HAPPY to help you save your marriage!