A phenomenon has been hitting the U.S. like a tsunami that is literally sweeping in and flooding our culture with a new buzz: the book ’50 Shades…’.   The book (and topic) have been “exposed” on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, been featured on the cover of Newsweek (Spanking Goes Mainstream), has been topping e-book charts, has been recorded by Ellen DeGeneres, and the film rights have been purchased. Sex shops literally around the world have noticed a spike in sales and a new interest in adult toys.  So far, the book has sold 2,000,000 copies to date and the Kindle version is selling even better.    Everyday housewives…even Christian women…are picking up the book because it has been classified as “mommy porn.”

However, don’t let the euphemism fool you, especially if you are a Christian!  This book is not a somewhat eroticized romantic story.  Nope, this book and the hundreds (if not thousands) of stories like it are just exactly the way that a disloyal spouse subtly, slowly and gradually goes from an honest, decent,  maybe even a “christian” person to someone who lies, cheats and commits adultery.

I think almost everyone in the U.S.A. if they were asked about it would say something like, “Oh yes committing adultery is wrong.”   Likewise, the VAST majority of people probably recognize the damage and destruction that pornography can reek in a marriage.  However, when people think about porn, most probably envision the man in the relationship sneeking off in a raincoat in the dark to a sleazy sex shop to buy the latest nudie magazine or watch a stripper, but those of us who have dealt with porn in marriages know that it is MUCH more subtle than that!  The internet has made it easy to instantly gratify the desire for naked images, sexually explicit stories or images, even full on xxx-rated, extremely graphic movies on every possible topic and fetish!  What once took a very deliberate decision and action now can be a matter of “thinking about it” and the next second, “clicking a link” and boom…it’s all right there in your home and in front of your eyes.   And it’s the same for infidelity.  All you need to do is THINK about being bored with your spouse, wanting sizzling sex with someone again, “what if I had gone with that one from high school?” and the next second, clicking a link for one of those “have an affair” websites, clicking a link for those pop-ups saying they want to meet you, or searching for your first GF/BF on Facebook and boom…it’s all right there in your home and in front of your eyes!

When the idea occurs to us to do something sinful, it doesn’t usually pop into our head “Oh I think I’d like to commit adultery today”  ”Oh I believe I’ll be consumed by lust and sexual sin today.”  Nope.  It’s subtle.  It moves by very small, deliberate, gradual steps while you bend your moral code ever so slightly.  Both porn and infidelity follow this pathway, and Psalm 1 even DESCRIBES the pathway for us!  ”Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take  or sit in the company of mockers.”  ~Psalm 1:1   See how the Psalmist shows that it starts with walking in the steps of the wicked…we think of a wicked thing, and rather than turning away from it and stopping those thoughts to turn them to God, we consider it a bit, entertain the idea, and then walk in that general direction?  What happens next?  Well we are in the general vicinity of other people who do this particular sinful thing (maybe with others who are “into” porn or surrounding ourselves with people who support “doing what makes you happy”)…so we stand in the way that sinners take.  What’s the final step?  We gradually walked that general direction, we hung out with others who encourage our sin, and finally we join them…we do what they do.  We sit in the company of mockers (those who mock God).  And that’s what sin is like, whether it’s pornography or whether it’s adultery.

In Romans 12:2 we Christians are told “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”  which means that our minds should do a 180 turn from the thought patterns of the world and grow ever more and more focused on glorifying God and doing what pleases Him.  With the internet, and it’s ability to instantly gratify any THOUGHT, it is very important to note the idea of our minds and our thoughts coming into line with God’s mind and thoughts!  If we allow the little foothold of one porn peek or read one little “mommy porn” book, where is our mind?  It is walking on the way of very gradually crumbling your moral code, RATHER than where our minds should be: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” ~Philippian 4:8

Related articles

• 5 Ways Porn Warps Minds – Covenant Eyes E-Book Combines Science And Biblical Principals (prweb.com)
• Why Women Cheat (everydayhealth.com)
• Sex Shops See Sales Spike Amid ’50 Shades’ Erotic E-Book Phenomenon (sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com)
• Mommy Porn? (intentionalwarriors.com)

I saw these verses today and I wanted to share with my blog friends, because lately I’ve been hearing story after story of a spouse “falling in love” with someone at church, and then justifying their affair by saying “Well, he is an elder (or she is in the music ministry) and we can serve God better if we leave our spouses.”  Or even worse, I’ve heard of loyal spouses going to their pastor and telling their spiritual leader that their spouse is involved in adultery, AND THE MINISTER won’t tell him/her to end the affair because they are youth group leaders together!!!

The verse is James 1: 13-15 “When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”

At first I kind of struggled with this one, because it seems to say God does not tempt people with evil–and I personally believe that our God, as the Lord God Almighty, is actually sovereign over everything including evil. I don’t think He just “sits back and allows it to happen” but rather, He is actively involved and foreordains EVERYTHING! So…what does this mean? Well I looked at the Greek and a possibly better way of translating it might be “When tempted, no one should say, ‘Of God I am tempted.’….”

God has made it clear that adultery does not please Him, and it is sin to commit adultery.

“Do not commit adultery.”  (Ex 20:14)

“How senseless is the adulterer! Whoever commits adultery destroys himself.”  (Prov 6:32)

“You have heard that it was said: Do not commit adultery. But I tell you this: anyone who looks at a woman to satisfy his lust has in fact already committed adultery with her in his heart. ” (Mt 5:27-28)

“Avoid unlawful sex entirely. Any other sin a person commits is outside the body but those who commit sexual immorality sin against their own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, given by God? You belong no longer to yourselves.” (1 Cor 6:18-19)

“the will of God for you is to become holy and not to have unlawful sex. Let each of you behave towards his wife as a holy and respectful husband, rather than being led by lust, as are pagans who do not know God.” (1 Thess 4:3-5)

“Marriage must be respected by all and husband and wife faithful to each other. God will punish the immoral and the adulterous.”  (Heb 13:4)

“You adulterers! Don’t you know that making friends with the world makes you enemies of God? Therefore, whoever chooses to be the world’s friend becomes God’s enemy.” (Jas 4:4)

So then don’t fool yourself.  If you are married but attracted to that deacon in church, it is not “God bringing you two together”!!! It’s not God’s will for you to divorce your husband so you can minister more effectively with the deacon–or to sing praise to His name with the slinky lady in the Praise Choir!  NOOOO! If you really want to effectively minister and bring glory to God’s name, obey what He has told you very clearly, and then be a testimony of the blessings God brings to those who obey Him.

Sooooo…if you’re tempted, it started when you were dragged away by your own evil desire to want more than your marriage, and that desire leads to sin, and sin gives birth to spiritual death.   Instead of using “God made me to it…”as your justification, please do the right thing–end your affair, return to your marriage, honor the vows you made before God and family, and be a living testimony for how to love your spouse and rebuild a godly marriage.  That would be a ministry!!

Related articles

• The Woman and Her Home (covenantfamilyaffairs.wordpress.com)
• Free from the Stronghold of Lust (ptl2010.com)
• The gospel on divorce (savouringthegospel.wordpress.com)

Well honey don’t you worry I don’t need no bar room queens
Though I’ll admit she sure knows how to fill a pair of jeans
And I’ll admit now darlin’ she’s sure showing me her stuff
But honey it ain’t nearly enough

Cause I ain’t never seen her
Patch a pair of ragged britches
Stretch a paycheck ’till it reaches
Scratch my back right where it itches
And I ain’t never seen that and honey ’till I do
My heart won’t wander very far from you

Now honey you know I honor all the hard times we been through
I never could have made it with anyone but you
and I think I know when a lady’s really really tough
and she don’t show me nearly enough

Cause I ain’t never seen her
Stay up all night with a baby
Calm me down when I get crazy
Fix me grits and red-eye gravy
And I ain’t never seen that and honey ’till I do
My heart won’t wander very far from you

No I ain’t never seen her
make a six room house a castle
teach young’uns how to wrestle
straighten out my fishin’ tackle
I ain’t never seen that and honey ’till I do
My heart won’t wander very far from you

No I ain’t never seen that and honey ’till I do
My heart won’t wander very far from you

Now at first glance you may say “How in the world did that make you think about affair fantasy?”  Well let me tell you!  In this song, the singer is at a drinking establishment and apparently there is a young lady there, in tight jeans, strutting her stuff (as they say).  Many times, the slippery slopes of infidelity start with nothing more than that–just a guy or girl in a place that has temptations, and someone there who happens to notice they have a weak chink in their protective armor.  What happens next is usually s/he takes a peek–enjoys what they see–and they think something like “Hey why doesn’t my hubby or wife dress up sexy like that anymore?”  and gradually lines are crossed and justified.

But this song points out the flaw in that kind of thinking.  The singer (Mr. Singer)–very logically, I might add–realizes that although that other lady may fill out a pair of jeans quite nicely, that there are a whole HOST of things that he does not know about her that he does know about his wife (Mrs. Singer)–the one to whom he has made a commitment.  For example, the singer of this particular songs starts with things he’s never seen this lass in the tight jeans (Miss “Tight Fittin’ Jeans“) do: “…patch a pair of ragged britches, stretch a paycheck ’till it reaches, scratch my back right where it itches.”  Now at first glance these are nice, “country sounding” attributes but let’s look at them a little closer and you’ll see what I mean.

The first example in the song is “patch a pair of ragged britches” and we can’t tell if the singer means that the britches are Mrs. Singer’s or maybe one of the kids’ britches.  But what we do know is that the singer’s wife has some skill in sewing and repairing clothing–possibly in patching–and also that she doesn’t mind either herself or her children wearing clothing that has been worn and then repaired!   In affair fantasy, Miss “Tight Fittin’ Jeans” may look good, but the fantasy part comes in when we imagine they possess many/most of the “good” qualities that our spouse possesses and imagine they DON’T possess many/most of the “bad” qualities our spouse possesses.  In this instance, Miss “Tight Fittin’ Jeans” may be HORRIFIED at wearing anything less that store-bought, brand name, designer clothing and may have no idea whatsoever about how to patch, repair or sew anything…and even moreso, she may have little or no desire to keep his children in repaired clothing either!  In fact, she may spend her time at bars attracting other men and avoid “work” at all costs, while Mr. Singer there has to take care of his kids by himself!  So see how the affair fantasy (She fills out those jeans well so she must fit my other needs as well) is not even CLOSE to reality?

Let’s look at the second example: “…stretch a paycheck ’till it reaches.”  Based on just this statement alone, one could reasonably assume that, on the occasion, the paycheck Mr. Singer earns is just a little less than or exactly equal to the bills or expenses to be paid out!  Apparently his spouse has some skill in getting the most for her money, managing a budget, getting good deals, and making sure that all the bills are paid but that at the same time all the needs of the family are met!  Now Miss “Tight Fittin’ Jeans” may be another story altogether!  She may have no clue how to get the most for her money, may not have the skill OR the self-discipline to stick to a budget, may only want to spend and buy the most expensive things (not the “deals”), and may not be fiscally sound at all!  She may have a past history of bad credit, may have a history of having things repossessed, or may have filed bankruptcy!  She may spend all her money as soon as any comes in, without regard to bills or family needs. In real life, he may make enough to have a medium, decent living, but if she’s a high maintenance gal–she could drive him right into the poorhouse, financially!   So once again….see how the affair fantasy (She fills out those jeans well so she must fit my other needs as well) is not even CLOSE to reality?

Now we’ll look at just the third example in this song: “…scratch my back right where it itches.”  I actually love this as an example, because based on this little phrase one could guess/assume that Mr. Singer will sometimes sit with his wife, with his shirt off, and she scratches his back.  Notice he doesn’t mention needing to hold in his gut or shave his chest hair or anything, so it seems she knows his little flaws and scars, and accepts him as he is (probably because she has been there with him when he got “this scar” and “that wrinkle”).  Mrs. Singer also knows right where he itches!  To me, that makes a statement about how well they know each other and how to meet each other’s needs.  He doesn’t have to tell her “a little lower …. lower…. okay right there!” or ask her if she’ll do it…she KNOWS and she does it voluntarily.  Now let’s think about Miss “Tight Fittin’ Jeans.”  She has no clue where his back itches.  She wasn’t there when he fell off the tractor.  She doesn’t know why that spot hurts.  She doesn’t know what to do to meet that need and may or may not even be willing to scratch!  What if she just had her nails done?  Or what if getting skin under her nails grosses her out?  After all, she’s in it to get HER needs met–not to meet someone else’s needs!  She’s in this for selfish reasons–not to give selflessly!  She wants the richest, hottest guy available to notice her, so to even catch her eye, Mr. Singer would have to hold in his gut, or shave his chest hair…in other words, be who he is not!  So once again….see how the affair fantasy (She fills out those jeans well so she must fit my other needs as well) is not even CLOSE to reality?

There in just the three little phrases, this song points out how “the fog” of affair fantasy can clog a person’s mind with things that just are not reality.  In reality, Mrs. Singer doesn’t mind wearing clothes that have been repaired and even knows how to repair them herself, doesn’t mind caring for the kids and giving them repaired clothes to play in, has the skill and self-discipline to live by a budget, gets the most for her money, looks out for bargains and deals, knows her husband’s aches and pains and itches (because she was there!), accepts him as he his, and even voluntarily agrees to scratch him right where she knows it itches to meet his need!!  In reality, Miss “Tight Fittin’ Jeans” may or may not ever DREAM of wearing anything but the tight, name-brand, designer jeans she is wearing, may or may not buy jeans for herself before caring about someone else’s kids, may or may not have a clue about how to repair clothing or do household chores, may or may not spend her money on those designer jeans whether bills are paid or not, may or may not be able to find a bargain or deal to save her life, may or may not have a PILE of debt and won’t live by a budget, absolutely DOES not intimately know this man who may become her affair partner, definitely DOES wants him to become someone he’s not, and 100% absolutely wants to have HER needs met…not meet his!!  It’s called “fog” because the affair fantasy clouds your mind from seeing the reality of the situation.

Let’s paint a picture.  You acted like an immature little baby, demanded your way and pouted when you didn’t get it.  Or you treated your spouse rudely…in public.  Or you said mean, hurtful, spiteful things that you don’t really mean but that came roaring out of your mouth in the heat of battle, followed by calling your spouse a name that no civilized human being would call someone (much less, someone they loved!).  Or in the context of infidelity, you were unfaithful to your spouse and frankly there’s just no excuse for that–and now in a clear-headed moment you realize you are responsible for what you’ve chosen.

So you behaved poorly and you are taking personal responsibility, so the time has come–in order to repair the damage done, you need to apologize.

All too often, whether it’s after a fight or after something major like an affair, I hear people say they apologized and their spouse is still rubbing their nose in it.  Why?  Well part of it may be that they apologized like this: “I’m sorry, alright already?” and then if their spouse brings up the topic again they say “I said I was sorry!!  What more do you want from me?”  If this is the type of apology you have given your spouse, it is not adequate. When asking for someone’s forgiveness, you actually need to include QUITE a lot of infomation, and that’s because you are not just “saying you’re sorry” but also acknowleding what did you did wrong, taking responsibility for it, and wherever possible, making restitution or working to restore the relationship!  A proper apology contains:

• a detailed account of the situation–not hiding details or covering up what happened; be specific.
• acknowledgement of the hurt or damage done–name what you’ve done; say it out loud and call it by name.
• taking responsibility for the situation–no blame-shifting here; take personal responsibility for your part.
• a statement of regret–indicate that you are upset over your past actions.
• asking for forgiveness–come right out and make the request.
• a promise that it won’t happen again–indicate what your plan is so that the person is not hurt again.
• a form of restitution whenever possible–some actions result in damage, so replace the damaged item; however, some damage can not be “undone” in which case you might give them what they need in order to feel safe.

All of this may seem a little overwhelming to you, and honestly…who can remember all that? It’s good stuff to include in a sincere apology but there’s just so much!!!  Never fear, good readers.  I have come up with a little memory helper that even the guys will find easy and manly.  You know when you lift weights how you do X number of lifts in sets…and what do you calls those?  REPS (short for repetitions)!!!  When you want to make a proper apology, do the “heavy lifting” and do your REPS:

R – Responsibility.  Take personal responsibility, that is!  To start off an apology, take personal responsibility for what you did.  Don’t try to blame someone else for what you chose to do–admit that YOU chose it and name out loud exactly what it is that you did.  Thus on very simple terms, you might say “I regret that I … <fill in details about what you did here>”

E – Empathy.  Indicate that you have some comprehension about how it may have made your spouse feel or what it may have made them think  State that what they thought or felt was reasonable.  Demonstrate that you not only comprehend, but also understand their feelings or thoughts, and maybe give an example of how you “relate” or “identify.”    Again using very simple terms, you may say “I can clearly see that it hurt you and probably that you thought <XYZ>.  I can completely understand how you’d feel that way.”

P – Plan.  Give your spouse some specifics on your plan to keep this from happening again.  You don’t have to format it like a list, but fill them in on what you intend to do to address the issue, change, or do differently so you can protect them even from yourself!  Using simple terms again, you might say: “In the future I do plan on going to some counseling to address this with a professional, and I am going to do <ABC> when I notice this starting so it doesn’t come to this again.”

S – Safety.  Let your spouse know that you encourage them to do what they believe they have-to-do in order to keep themselves safe.  Sometimes people may feel like they need a day or two to themselves to recover–or they need you to sleep on the couch for a night or two.  Maybe they need to remove all knives from the kitchen–I don’t know!!  BUT what I do know is that this step is the one that offers some sort of restitution for the damage you’ve done.  If you did the crime–let them know you are willing to do the time to repair the damage.

Related articles

• The right way to say “I’m sorry” and be forgiven (moanti.wordpress.com)
• Should you forgive or accept when an affair happens (mapenzinandoa.wordpress.com)
• 5 Ways To Apologize (loveimpact2012.wordpress.com)
• How to Apologize (kraigkrempa.com)

I read a post today over at the Institute for Nouthetic Counseling blog, entitled “Why?”  (the author is Dr. Jay Adams) that inspired me to write this post.  This is one question we hear SO OFTEN at AffairCare!  ”Why!!!!???”

“Why did my spouse have an affair?”

“Why don’t they love me anymore?”

“Why did this happen to me?”

“Why did God let this happen?”

Usually when people ask this question, like Dr. Adams says…they aren’t really looking for an answer but instead they feel sad or depressed, want to complain, and for the most part want to blame someone or something else for what’s going on in their lives.  But believe it or not, there really are ANSWERS to these questions, especially if you are a believing Christian!

“Why did my spouse have an affair?”–Spouses have affairs for one simple reason: by nature we are sinful (Romans 3:23).  That is to say, until we are regenerated by God’s salvation, in our natural state, we are slaves to sin and death.  So  it is our nature to do sinful things, sinful things feel natural or comfortable, and sinful things are easy and “feel good”.  Sometimes even when a person is saved, they will succumb and slip back into the old sinful habits because obeying God can feel uncomfortable or be difficult.  So your spouse had an affair because they are human.

“Why don’t they love me anymore?”–This is actually a two-pronged answer. If you’ve looked at our Basic Concepts, you’ll understand that on one hand it has to do with a gradual increase of Love Extinguishers putting out the flame of love, and a gradual decrease of Love Kindlers that make the flame of love blaze!  But that’s really only one part of it.  The other part is that they have made a decision.  Contrary to the way it’s portraited in our culture, Love is not a feeling that swoops over you and is uncontrollable. Love is a CHOICE to act in a loving way and expend time, energy and thought for that person (I Cor. 13:4-8).  Thus, they have CHOSEN to put their time, energy and thoughts into that Other Person..and if they put that same amount of time, energy and thought into you (and upholding their vow)…Love could be rebuilt.

“Why did this happen to me?”–Again, a two-pronged answer.  If you are not a Christian, saved by grace, then it happened because human beings are naturally sinful and sinning hurts us (Eph 2:1).  Oh yeah, we think “It feels good,” and that momentary rush of Affair Adrenalin may temporarily feel good!  But in the long run…sinning hurts us.  It harms children, destroys families, devastates grandparents and aunts and uncles…ruins finances…breeds unhappiness and sorrow!!  On the other hand, if you are a Christian, saved by grace, then it happened for one reason: God promised you He would continue to do His good work in you until you were completed (Phil 1:6).  Apparently in God’s providence He has decided you needed this problem in order to grow more intimate with Him and become more like Him.  It is an opportunity to become the man or woman God intends for you to be.

“Why did God let this happen?”–I’ll quote Dr. Adams here (he says it perfectly):  “What happened …  was an act of God’s providence. You know He’s actively at work in this world.  And what He does for His children is always for their good (Romans 8:28).  Even though we don’t know what He’s up to (by ordaining this painful situation), nevertheless, we can be sure of several things since you are a Christian:  God is in the problem–God is up to something in the problem–God is up to something good.  GOD IS INVOLVED IN WHAT IS HAPPENING, BRINGING ABOUT GOOD IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, IN HIS TIME!!”

Related articles

• Why do Bad Things Happen? (mindrenewers.com)
• Breaking Vows…it’s not always just the one (thewaywardhusband.wordpress.com)

You know what’s funny?  I’ve always been the kind of gal who’s emotional, sentimental and romantic.  I keep things that remind me of good memories.  I appreciate a good poem, a tear-jerker chick flick, and a half gallon of Rocky Road as much as the next gal!  But to me Valentines Day has always seemed like a made up holiday, specifically made to stimulate “card sales” and as a kick in the pants for the flower economy.  ”What does all this have to do with infidelity?”  you ask?  Well…a lot!  I was looking at Valentines Day like I think most folks in western society look at love: like it should just naturally be gushy and romantic, with roses, lace and barbie-doll sunsets!   But in real life, “love” doesn’t just happen effortlessly.  In real life, love is a VERB and it is a decision…a very deliberate choice to act lovingly toward someone, especially the one to whom you’ve made a vow to “forsake all others.”

That’s where the Fourteen Days of Love Challenge comes in.  As I mentioned, Love is a VERB and that means it’s active.  For the first fourteen days of February, we have one loving activity each day on our Affaircare Romance Calendar….so that means today is Day Six already!!  For the first fourteen days of February, I challenge you to stop looking at what your spouse IS or IS NOT doing, and instead look at yourself.  What loving actions have YOU taken?  And for these 14 days, rather than doing nothing or wishing your spouse would be romantic or loving…YOU be loving!  When your spouse is not exactly wanting to be with you or not treating you in a loving way, the temptation is to say, “Fine then I won’t be nice back!”  No.  For the next week, leading up to the final day on Valentines Day, make the decision to be the kind of person who honors their promises and acts based on commitment rather than as a reward or punishment.  Be a loving person because that is WHO YOU ARE…not because some does or doesn’t do something to you.

Finally, some of the ideas on the Romance Calendar are geared for couples who are together, but as an example, if you look at Wednesdays and realize that you let TVs and computers and laundry turn your bedroom into a Family Room rather than a sexy haven…now’s the time to love by changing that!  Get some new pillows in rich, royal satin.  Move the PCs out and the incense in.  Get a new nighty and still be the loving, sexy person you are!   The idea of the calendar is to give you an idea…whet your whistle…and let your creative juices flow to suite your particular situation.  And don’t forget, your spouse is not the only person whom you can love during this 14 Days of Love Challenge:

Love Yourself–give yourself that loving gesture you need.  Take time, get to know yourself, and love who you are…and if you don’t love who you are at the moment, become the person you were meant to be.

Love Someone who needs it–do you have an aunt who’s all alone?  How about a old dog who’s been faithful all these years?  A best friend you haven’t talked to?  Love THEM by doing one thoughtful thing for them.

Love Something–love gardening, crocheting, working on your car, dog shows…whatever!  Do some activity that YOU used to just love and haven’t done for a long time.

Love a Stranger–this is especially true when it feels like your world is falling apart and you feel despair.  Go help out at a nursing home.  Feed homeless people.  Volunteer to read to blind children.  Suddenly you’ll realize that your life isn’t so bad after all and they will LOVE you for it.

So I’m laying down the challenge.  Who’s joining in?

Related articles

• If Love Is In The Air… (theromanticvineyard.wordpress.com)
• Frugal Love: 9 Low-Cost Valentine’s Day Ideas (bargaineering.com)
• Hint! Hint! Valentine’s Day is for Geeky Women, too (blogher.com)

The definition of insanity is “Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result”…and yet isn’t that often what we do in our marriages?  We have that “same old fight.”  We use the same old reasons.  We don’t budge and sometimes don’t even tell each other things because “we know what he/she will say” or “he/she will freak out.”  We give our spouse the cold shoulder or punish them for something they said or did.  On and on.  And you tell me:  How’s that working for you?  If your spouse is having an affair and your marriage is falling apart and your kids are being hurt, THIS is the year, and now is the time to do something NEW.

Doing something NEW can be really scary, though.  I realize that doing things the “same old” way may be hurtful and damaging, but at least you know what to expect.  Yes, you hurt your spouse and they hurt you when you two argue, but you know that if you say “THIS” they will counter with “THAT” and then you have justification to unleash “THE OTHER.”  It’s dependable, in a weird way, because we can depend on what will happen.  But doing something NEW means you may have to look at yourself.   Doing something NEW means that you don’t know WHAT is going to happen or HOW your spouse will react!  That uncertainty…that feeling of being unable to predict what your spouse is likely to do… can be virtually traumatic for some; nonetheless, I challenge you today to take that leap of faith and do something NEW!!

It starts in your mind…thoughts like: “I wish he/she would think of ME for a change and help me!”  or “I’m tired of doing everything while he/she sits around and does nothing!  I want to do nothing!”  To do something new with your mind, you can’t just hope that someday your thought patterns will change.  You have to do something NEW…think something NEW!!  Your thoughts will change when you make the decision to change them!  So when you find yourself thinking that old recording of negative thoughts about your spouse or thoughts that are centered on you…make the conscientious DECISION today to stop yourself and change that thought to something positive.  Now I do realize that when two people have gotten far down the negative spiral that it can be fairly hard to even think of something positive, but even if you have trouble thinking of one thing, remember this.  They could have picked anyone in the whole wide world, and they chose you.  Think in a NEW way regarding your spouse.  List their good qualities and memorize the list!

And speaking of changing your thoughts, I have a really BIG challenge for you to help you and your spouse become “unstuck.”  You know that argument you two have had over and over and over?  The one where you know your spouse is going to bring it up, and you know that “next time I’m gonna say THIS” and while they are talking you think about how you’re going to respond rather than listening?  The fight you’ve had a hundred times already and each time it goes the same way–down the drain?  Yeah THAT argument.  I’m not saying they are right and you are wrong, but the next time you two have “that argument” no matter what they say, I want you to say: “So it sounds like what you’re saying is…” and then paraphrase what they said.  Don’t agree.  Don’t say they are wrong.  Don’t say you are right.  Just summarize what they said (their “reason”) and see if you understand what they said.  THEN… just say “I’m going to consider what you’ve said.”  The end.  DO NOT say anything else.  Just let them know you will consider it and stop talking.  The mere fact that it did not go “the same old way (aka down the tubes)” may well be enough shock to bring life back into the discussion.    After all, think about.  Isn’t one of the big issues in THAT argument, the fact that you don’t feel “heard”?  Well you just “heard” your spouse and said you would consider them and their viewpoint…and that is the kind of thing that gets a marriage unstuck.

What starts in your mind continues in your mouth.  If your mind is thinking of yourself and is thinking unkind things about your spouse, chances are about 99 times out of 100 that your mouth will follow suit.  That means that things will come out of your mouth declaring that you’re “entitled” to a partner who helps you out and you “deserve” a spouse who makes you happy.  Your mouth will then follow with mean, hurtful, caustic words meant to cut your spouse to the bone and make them do what YOU want them to do.  Speaking to your spouse with those kinds of words is balancing on the verge of verbal abuse, and if you wouldn’t tolerate verbal abuse, why would they?  To change your words, you have to do something NEW.  Just like your mind, you have to make a choice and train your mouth to say things that are loving.  Hmmm…let’s see.  I Cor. 13 says: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  Are these the kinds of words coming out of your mouth?  As your thinking changes, your words will begin to change too, but you can start right now, saying NEW words.  Words like “I love this about you” or “I feel happy when you…”  and when they do something–anything–say thank you!  Speaking to your spouse with at least the same level of courtesy as you would to a stranger is another thing that gets a marriage unstuck.

Finally, what starts in the mind and continues in your words will reflect in your ACTIONS–how you ACT toward your spouse.  This means that as your thoughts change to thinking of the things you appreciate about your spouse, and as your words say “thank you” and speak encouragement or support to your spouse…your actions will start to follow suit.  Love is not feeling butterflies in your stomach when you kiss…or feeling all jittery and excited when you know you’re going to see him/her.  LOVE (mature, intimate love) is treating a fellow human being in a way that is loving, because you made the commitment to act that way throughout all that life throws at you!  LOVE (mature, intimate love) is being transparently honest so your spouse can see the True You…and you seeing the True Them…and making the choice to behave in a loving way in spite of the fact that both of you are imperfect!  LOVE (godly love) is choosing to lay down our desires and natural inclinations and instead obey God.   And what does God say that LOVE acts like?  I Corinthians 13:4-8 “ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;  does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;  bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.”

So break the mold.  Having that “same old fight” the “same old way” and saying the “same old things” and getting the “same old reactions” may be destroying your marriage, but too many people are afraid to try something NEW because with the “same old, same old” they know what to expect–even if it is bad!  I challenge you to HAVE THE COURAGE to do something NEW in your marriage…tonight.

Related articles

• Forgiveness in Marriage (Part 1) (marriageisgood.wordpress.com)
• Forgiveness in Marriage (Part 2) (marriageisgood.wordpress.com)
• Forgiveness in Marriage (Part 3) (marriageisgood.wordpress.com)
• 6 Habits for Happy Lives & Marriages (marriagegems.com)

It’s that time of year when bloggers are doing their “Year in Review” blogs…. yet to add a twist to this concept of reviewing the year gone by as we prepare for the New Year, I want to encourage you and your spouse to set aside some time, when you will not be disturbed, and look at your year in review.

When couples live together for a while, they can sometimes begin to think that they “know” their spouse, and they “know” what he/she thinks and feels. Even if this year you two have faced infidelity, or are facing unfaithfulness right now, please do two things: 1) set aside time to ask your spouse these question, and then 2) really LISTEN to your spouse’s response. It is natural that in order to justify their affair, your spouse will magnify everything that’s wrong with you and the marriage (how could they possibly cheat if things were good?). But it’s also true that assuming you “know” what they think and feel will lead to disaster! Even if it is with a grain of salt, LISTEN as your spouse explains to you what life is like–in their world…in their thoughts…in their feelings–because there are TWO of you in this marriage (not just you and what you expect).

So first, read over the questions and organize your own answers honestly and thoroughly. Be transparent so that your spouse sees the True You…but also please don’t forget to be kind. Second, one of you answer all of the questions, one-at-a-time, out loud. While one of you is answering, the other should only listen or ask clarifying questions. Then switch roles and the second spouse answers all of the questions, one-at-a-time, out loud…and while he/she is answering, the other should only listen or ask clarifying questions

Here are the questions (from “Getting to Know Your Spouse Better” by Brent A. Barlow on the Family Dynamics Institute website) :

• In our marriage, I feel loved when you …
• In our marriage, I feel appreciated when you …
• In our marriage, I am happiest when …
• In our marriage, I am saddest when …
• In our marriage, I am angriest when …
• In our marriage, I would like more …
• In our marriage, I would like less …
• In our marriage, I feel awkward when …
• In our marriage, I feel uneasy when …
• In our marriage, I feel excited when …
• In our marriage, I feel close to you when …
• In our marriage, I feel distant from you when …
• In our marriage, I feel most afraid when …
• My greatest concern/fear about our marriage is …
• What I like most about myself is …
• What I dislike most about myself is …
• The feelings that I have the most difficulty sharing with you are …
• The feelings that I can share most easily with you are …
• Our marriage could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we …
• The one thing in our marriage that needs the most immediate attention is …
• The best thing about our marriage is …

Related articles

• Putting on the Kindness of Christ in Marriage (trinitytuscaloosa.wordpress.com)
• 3 Powerful Questions Spouses Ask Each Other (thepurebed.wordpress.com)
• Know Your Spouse (herbertmtowo.wordpress.com)
• You put Your Whole Self In, You Put Your Whole Self Out, You Put Your Whole Self In and Shake It All About (ask.metafilter.com)

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world.  (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.)  And everyone went to their own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David.  He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born,  and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.  An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.  When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child,  and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them.  But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Related articles

• The Reason For The Season (capecountyteaparty.wordpress.com)
• Nativity (conjecturesguilty.wordpress.com)
• A Special Note… (garnetspy.com)
• He is come (jackrich.wordpress.com)
• The Real Night Before Christmas Story (eagleviews.org)
• Manger to Cross (psalm115.wordpress.com)

Here it is–”The Holidays”–and as if the stress of all those parties, decorating, presents, relatives, and the expectation to make the Holidays “perfect” were not enough, your spouse is having an affair and everything has turned upside down!  When your spouse has turned into their Evil Twin, and they are trying to say the kids are okay sharing the holidays with the Other Person, and you feel everything you believed in has been shaken and crumbled…HOW are you supposed to get through The Holidays?  I’ve noticed lately that when I write an article, I tend to write almost a whole book, so in an effort to make it easier and a little shorter, here are ten things you just DO NOT have to do this year during The Holidays, while your spouse is having an affair:

1.  Pretend like “everything is okay.”  It is okay to tell some people–like a supportive sister, a pro-marriage friend, or someone you trust–that things just are NOT okay.  It’s also okay to let your kids know that this Christmas you feel sad and so it may not quite be exactly like some of the other years.

2.  Compete with your spouse (or soon-to-be-ex) over the kids.  They are just as much a parent in your kids’ lives as you are, and yet it’s not a competition to see who can spend more to buy their love.  The kids know which parent puts them to bed at night, helps them with homework, makes dinner, and takes time to actually be with them…and no amount of presents can buy that.  So if your unfaithful spouse buys your kids a bunch of stuff…let your kids enjoy the stuff they’ve been blessed with.  It’s not a competition and their love can’t be bought.

3.  Buy a gift for every branch of your family tree, all your co-workers, and everyone you’ve ever known.  Some gifts can be hand made.  Some gifts can be baked.  And the financial fact is that this year you may just have to trim that list back with a hedge-clipper. Well, so be it!  Christmas is about helping folks less fortune and celebrating the birth of the Savior–not “bigger, better, more expensive” presents.

4.  Put on the “perfect Christmas feast for 20″ all by yourself.  This year let someone else host the feast…or if it has to be at your house, ask for some help or hold it pot luck!  One year I told all my friends they could come and share food and caroling but in order to come in the door they had to bring something to share for six others.  Use paper plates….no one will care!

5.  Go into debt to buy presents.  So your spouse and the other woman are buying your kids a trip to Disneyland, huh?  Or a new touchscreen cellphone with unlimited minutes?  Don’t try to outdo them or go into debt to keep pace.  Give what YOU can afford to give and give it with love.  Take them ice skating and to hot chocolate afterward…for free!  Go tobogganing and let them laugh over mom/dad going over a bump!

6.  Go to every single holiday event to which you are invited.  Just learn to say no.  There is only so much that you can do, and it’s hard enough to sleep anyway!  Pick certain events that have a deep meaning to you (like your kids’ performances and that one church service) and to all the rest say “Thanks for thinking of me, but this year I’m afraid I need to say no.”  It’s okay.

7.  Make 12 dozen cookies for “Bobby’s class” when 3 dozen will do.  Actually I don’t need to explain this one, do I?  We all do this and demand so much more of ourselves than necessary.  Just look at the things you DO choose to do, and ask, “Am I going overboard here?  Am I holding myself to unrealistic expectations?”  If so, then get back to reality!

8.  Keep up with the Jones’ and light up your house like the Griswold’s.  Okay the lights on the house, and the perfect tree, and the garland, and the cards, and the candles, and the pine cones…OY!  It can be exhausting.  Pick the top three that are “must do” for you,  and do those three.  Then one by one add the next decorations if you have the energy–and if not, then don’t stress.  Maybe this year rather than sleighing to the forest to hand chop the perfect tree, allow yourself to go to the little tree place in town and pick a pre-cut one for $20.  Hey why not?

9.  Be perfect, look perfect, or “be happy all the time.”  Here’s the truth: your spouse is having an affair and is with another person and no part of you feels “perfect.”  So don’t try to make yourself be or look “happy”!  If you feel sad, on the occasion feel sad.  If you don’t feel like wearing red and green and being jolly, then be who you are and feel how you feel and let some people know.  Okay comb your hair and brush your teeth, yes.  Put on new, clean clothes every day, yes.  Be happy because it’s “The Holiday“?  NO!  Do the best you can, and maybe this is the perfect year to start a new tradition of NOT doing something just because you don’t feel like it this year.

10.   Eat only cookies, chocolate, and eggnog while staying up all night trying to get everything done.  This time of year is notorious for bad eating and sleeping habits.  Yes it’s easy to grab, but don’t grab just those two cookies for breakfast…or only coffee with eggnog creamer either!  If you want to have any energy at all it is important to remember that you need to eat nutritiously and get rest.  So, eat your fruits and vegetables and go to bed at 9pm if you feel tired.  It’s okay.

Related articles

• Don’t you just Love the Holiday’s when your house smells like cookies! (bethpalserstudio.wordpress.com)
• “Fun” Holiday Links! (onlineauctioncom.wordpress.com)
• One of my top secret secrets to Happy Holidays. (mandythompson.com)