AFFAIRCARE

I’m not exactly sure if there is a specific question I have. Maybe just guidance. My husband and I were together for 18 yrs…had a good marriage so I thought. We worked a lot and were “settled” so I called it. I was still very excited to see him and spend time with him when we were together and it seemed he enjoyed me. His behavior changed over a few month period… he was 39yo. His dad died of a massive heart attack at age 39 and my husband was always VERY concerned about his health as a result. He was only 9yo at the time of his dad’s death. At 39 my husband started exercising more obsessively, stopped dipping tobacco, shaved his chest (he’d never done before), started tanning (he’s red headed and fair skinned), lost 30 lbs. I attributed it to his being the age of his dad’s death. Then suddenly (it seemed) he became distant. I knew something was wrong. He said he was just stressed at work. I put spy ware on his phone and discovered he was talking to “someone” many times a day. He denied having an affair, said he was “unhappy” and left a few weeks later. From the day he said he was unhappy, he stopped being my husband…stopped touching me. He had always slept naked and stopped that day. We were two strangers living in the same house. Said he wanted me to be “ok” and was polite. Seemed conflicted at times, once he came to the bedroom to say goodbye and said we should never leave each other without saying goodbye. Another time he asked if I’d promise to always be his friend. He’d hug me sometime when I was crying. Of course I didn’t know, or was in denial, regarding the affair even though all the signs were there. Just weeks later, he moved into a rental house. Contacted me to ask about business matters, to pick up belongings he had left, to ask to see the dog (that he loved dearly), and so forth. After a couple months I found out he was having an affair with a girl he worked with and obviously it began while he was still living with me. She was married too and they both left there spouses the day after Xmas….guess they were doing us a favor by staying until the holiday was over. The day he told me he wasn’t “happy” he said it wasn’t my fault and he didn’t know why he wasn’t happy as he had a good wife, good kids, a nice home, the job of his dreams but just wasn’t “happy”. Of course no mention of another woman. Once I found out that he had been having an affair prior to his leaving and it became obvious he left to be with her. I became very angry and confronted him with his adultery and sinning. He used to be a religious man and always was one to do “the right thing”. This behavior was so “out of character” for him….unless I was with him 18 yrs and never even knew him….I wonder that sometime. Once I confronted him he began to avoid me completely. He discarded everything in his previous life, his kids, me, his dog, his hobbies (sold his golf clubs), he rarely calls his family so his mom tells me, they don’t even know where he lives, his friends say they never see him. He has been gone almost a year now. He can’t live with “her” because her husband let her stay in their home with her two teenage children providing she didn’t live with my husband, he is however allowed to go to the house. He seems to be completely devoted to her, cuts her grass, fixes broken items at her home while I take care of our home alone. He is not the man he used to be at all. When friends see him out with her, he doesn’t make eye contact and acts as if he doesn’t see them. He is very protective of “her”. In my bout of anger I also confronted her in the form of a letter. I didn’t threaten or use foul language or anything like that. I just said I didn’t think much of an aldulterous sinner. And I told her about the pain I (and my children) were enduring as a result of his and her selfish, sinning behaviors. That they took vows before God and should have attempted to work on their marriages instead of having an affair…if there were problems. After that, my husband became very angry with me. As if I were the one in the wrong. I guess because I “hurt her feelings”. He seems to be obcessed with her….like he’s “crazy”. What in the world does she have that is so great that he lives and breaths “her” and only “her”. How could this happen so quickly after 18 yrs of what I thought was a good marriage. I feel like this is all a dream, that there is no way my husband would do this….but he IS doing it. I feel like he is still a part of me and that this just can’t be happening. He discarded us like trash without even a look back. He’s angry about her feelings beeing hurt while I’m thinking of suicide on some days (I’d never do it…just think it would be less painful to be gone). It’s like he lives to please her. He was even seen out on black friday shopping with her…he always told me he would never go shopping on black friday and people who did were absolutely crazy….but there he is….carrying her bags. It seems he gave up everything that made him “him”. He raised my two youngest kids from ages 4 and 5…he was the only dad they knew but when he walked out, he didn’t even talk to them, never asks about them. I called myself “standing” for him….was thinking he was having some sort of midlife crisis in that he fit the profile perfectly. I guess I’m wondering if there is any hope at all. He is obcessed with her, he avoids me at all costs and treats me like I am the bad guy. Don’t know if I am just fooling myself, is I should continue to stand. Am I just making a fool out of myself? Do men that act this way ever come back? I honestly believe our marriage was good. We rarly ever argued. We had respect for one another. We problem solved together. We had no BIG hangups or bad habits…..so I thought. I just don’t understand what has happened. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I rarely ever contact him. I’m trying to give him the time to get through this….but what if my worst fear is true…it really has nothing to do with a midlife crisis and he truely adores and loves this woman. I just wasn’t what he wanted anymore. I don’t know what to do now. It seems so hopeless. He, the person he was, seems to be completely gone. Even his mom says so. She is grieving his loss as I am….but he will at least talk to her sometime. He told me he loved me many, many times a day. Used to call just “to hear my voice”, just days, weeks before he left. Bought me a kindle 3 months before leaving and placed it under my pillow with a nice card just 3 months before leaving. Did he do that out of guilt? I’m so confused!!!! Help!!!