Category Archives: Christian

Sex and Marriage … marriage and sex

According to the latest Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey in 2010:

  • 44% “are fully satisfied” with their sex lives.
  • 48% “usually orgasm.” Globally, twice as many men (64%) as women regularly have orgasms.
  • 39% are looking for more love and romance.
  • 36% would like more quality time alone with their partner.
  • 31% would like more fun and better communication and intimacy with their partner .
  • 29% a higher sex drive.
  • 37% want to feel less stressed out and tired.

Did you notice anything interesting about those numbers? I did.

After writing the blog last week entitled “Fidelity is not asking ‘How Far Can I Go?’ ” I started to see it in many aspects of life. Here in the USA we look at many things completely backward to how they really are in reality.

In my previous blog I noted that rather than looking at infidelity like the media does and asking “Is sexting really unfaithfulness?” and wondering how far we can go until we cross the line, we should look at it from the completely OPPOSITE side of the coin, and ask ourselves: “What exactly is faithfulness? How can I be more faithful?”  We do the same exact thing with sex and marriage … marriage and sex.  Namely, we look at it from the exact opposite side of the coin from where we ought!

Look at the figures up above about sex. Do you notice anything? Each and every one of them asks the person basically “What do you want out of sex?” Now I do realize that we can not read another person’s mind and they are responsible for communicating what they want in a respectful request–not a demand. I do realize that. But we look at sex–before marriage and in the marriage
setting–exactly bass ackwards. Here in the USA and in the world at large, sex is looked at as “What can I get out of it?” You get affection. You get romance. You get attention. You get your orgasm. You get horny and your sexual need is met. You have a place for your lust to be satisfied. You get off. You get pleasurable physical feelings. You get…You Get…YOU GET!!

Sex is not meant to be about you!

Okay–let me dial it back a moment. It is the gift of God that when a man and a woman commit to each other for a lifetime, that they lovingly serve each other and meet each other’s needs. In
that covenant He created us such that sex is supposed to be pleasurable. So in that sense, in a marriage, the fact is that you and your spouse will have a sex life and it is intended to be very
pleasurable! BUT we have turned sex from a gift we receive because we commit to another person…into a physical sensation that we pursue selfishly!

Therein lies the rub. Even people who call themselves “christians” will act like they are very special indeed, when they haven’t had sex in X number of months after their non-christian spouse divorced them or if they stay virgins until marriage. Much like fidelity, though, rather than focusing on what sex IS and how it’s supposed to be used, they ask “How far can I go before it’s sex? Can we masturbate but not penetrate?”

So let me put this into perspective for you. Sex is focused on YOUR SPOUSE. Sex is meeting their need. Sex is what you give to someone who has made a covenant with you for a lifetime and is acting on that commitment. Sex means studying THEM, and paying attention to what pleases THEM, and concentrating on THEM, and examining THEM and their beliefs and fantasies about sex. Sex is serving your spouse. Sex is helping your spouse resist temptation. The focus of sex is not on you, your horniness or your pleasure. In other words, don’t think of sex as a “right” — think of it as a “responsibility.” Sex is a type/mirror/picture/symbol of the union Christ has with the Church…His Bride.

Now let’s look at a few bible verses about sex:

1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.
Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Proverbs 5:15-19
Drink water from your own well—share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in public, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Don’t share it with strangers.
Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral

I Corinthians 6:18-20
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
You were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Fidelity isn’t about asking “How Far Can I Go?” and sex in marriage is not about asking “What Can I Get Out of This?”

A warrior for godly marriages

It is an exhausting position to be on the front lines of the battle for marriages, especially as a pro-marriage coach this day-and-age.  Unfortunately we live in an era that has not taught people how to be married or how to honor their promises.  Doing what “makes you feel good” is considered noble, and the pursuit of happiness is put ahead of doing the right thing.  To me, it sometimes feels as if we are swimming upstream, trying to teach couples one thing while Hollywood, the news, and the media are telling them that infidelity is in our DNA or that marriage is becoming obsolete!  

Being a marriage coach is not a popular career.  There are lots of people out there committing adultery, having emotional affairs, or being financially unfaithful…and our job as coaches is to identify where they are today (no matter how ugly the truth may be), help them identify where they want to be, develop steps to get to where they want to be, and then hold them accountable for actually doing the work!  People feel good when they are unfaithful so they don’t want it pointed out to them that it’s wrong and they should stop.  Other people don’t like the idea that we’re not licensed by the state (like a PhD or a LCSW), but as life coaches and nouthetic counselors, our credentiasl are in biblical marriage and reconciliation!  What we suggest usually is personal responsibility and some people would rather “blame someone else” than to have to look at themselves.  Doing the work to repair the damage is hard work, and most people would rather have the easy way out or have a microwave mentality.  The list goes on and on!  Everywhere we turn there is some resistance, some stumbling block, some temptation in our path to take us off course and off the focus of helping people reconcile their marriages. 

When I first began helping people back in 1999-2000 when my ex-husband left me and I was just learning myself, I knew then that it was absolutely my lifelong passion to work in this field.  I have been learning all I can ever since then, and knowing my personality type, I knew that it would be hard to hear of broken marriages and not “bring it home with me”–I actually care!  I am so grateful that my Dear Hubby joins me in this passion, and together we have gone through training and studied together.  We knew that there would be professional disagreement in methodology or differences of opinion–especially since the biblical view is being more and more watered down even in our churches!  But we did not know there would be daily skirmishes trying to get us off the straight and narrow track of showing people what the Bible says about marriage, encouraging them to obey God and do what He wants them to do, and teaching people “marriage basics” like husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands.   

For that battle–the battle to keep our focus and keep coming back to helping the couples and speaking the Word of God plainly–we covet your prayers.  We need to keep reminding ourselves of the whole armor of God (Eph. 6) which will protect us from this onslaught–and we need to keep sharp “…the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.” (Eph. 6:17b)  And with the psalmist we pray: “Lead me, O LORD, in thy righteousness because of mine enemies; make thy way straight before my face.”(Psalms:5:8)