The Purpose of No Contact

The Purpose of No Contact

Proverbs 5: 3-8

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, 
and her speech is smoother than oil;

but in the end she is bitter as gall, 
sharp as a double-edged sword.

Her feet go down to death; 
her steps lead straight to the grave. 

She gives no thought to the way of life; 
her paths are crooked, but she knows it not.

Now then, my sons, listen to me; 
do not turn aside from what I say.

Keep to a path far from her,
do not go near the door of her house

If you have had an affair, and the time to face up to it has arrived, you are faced with many choices. An affair is an imaginary life that exists in two worlds. You build a joyful relationship with another person, usually based upon some stretching of the facts – if not outright lies – about your present existence. And you live in your present world, with your family, spouse, and children. Where you are in your affair can no longer exist the way it was before your spouse found out about it. You have reached a crossroads. One choice you have is to leave your marriage. Another is to remain. Each choice brings up new challenges and choices. If you have chosen to stay with your spouse, you then must choose what kind of relationship you intend to have with them. Will you simply remain ‘because of the children’? Will you remain as a roommate? Are you willing to work at bringing your marriage back to life?

It is our opinion that remaining with your spouse must include bringing your marriage back to life. Not only is this an honoring of your original commitment to your spouse, but this is also the right way to bring up your children. It teaches them the proper way to commit to something. Your marriage is a commitment you made to a specific person, and your affair has been a breach of that contract, causing pain and sadness for your spouse and children. You have the oppostunity to demonstrate just what the word ‘committed’ means. This is not an easy step. Your decision to become unfaithful to your spouse has created an immense amount of damage and pain in your marriage. It has torn the original commitment to shreds, and you and your spouse must rebuild what you once had. The good news is that the end result could be far better than what you ever had in the first place.

This step involves committing to some painful and difficult decisions and processes. One of the steps is to end all contact with your lover, and the environment in which your affair evolved. This article is written to explain the concept of ‘No Contact.’ This choice must be immediate, absolute and permanent.

It must be immediate because your affair is causing continuous damage in your relationship with your spouse. An analogy might be if you are striking yourself on the hand with a hammer, the first thing to do is stop – don’t keep doing it. Don’t start doing it again. Contact with the other person in your affair is the hammer blows that are striking your marriage ‘hand.’ When your affair is first discovered, the pain can be almost insurmountable to your spouse. It can be fatal to the marriage. Regardless, in the mind of your betrayed spouse, there is still the love that you shared with one another. There is the hope that it can be regained. Your choice to immediately cut off contact with your lover is the first step toward this goal, and it can be of immense relief to your spouse. It demonstrates to your spouse that you are prepared to take whatever steps are necessary to rebuild your shared love.

However, if you do not cut off this contact immediately – that is, if you continue to find yourself in the arms of your lover, you are adding great amounts of damage to an already severely harmed relationship. Continuing the contact is the single greatest weapon that can be used to remove love deposits you have made in your spouse’s love bank. Keep it up, and your spouse will lose all the love they had for you. Your contact with your lover cannot taper off. No contact must be immediate because this is the first signal to your spouse that you are willing to work toward saving your relationship.

It must also be absolute. It cannot taper off. Every instance of contact you have with your lover, once your spouse has discovered your affair, empties their love bank at an increasingly fast rate. That love is not infinite – it will disappear completely. No contact must be absolute because even the slightest contact does immense harm. It passes several messages to your spouse. One important one is that you are not committed to the marriage. Another is that your spouse is not worth the effort of staying away from the arms of other people. You are telling your spouse that he or she takes second place to someone else. It is a subtle (and perhaps unconscious) revelation that you do not respect your spouse enough to think them worthy of your vow to ‘forsake all others.” To the degree you are willing to keep your word with someone – to that degree you reveal your respect for that person. Breaking the ‘no contact’ rule is a statement of disrespect that can truly hurt your spouse.

This ‘no contact’ must also be permanent. You cannot ever converse with, do lunch with, visit, drop a line to, or ‘check up’ on ever again. This is the first step toward returning to the commitment that you made. When you vowed ‘to forsake all others,’ when you married your spouse ‘for better or worse,’ you made a commitment to avoid the exact thing you have just been doing. Returning to your lover is an abandonment of your marriage each and every time you participate in it. How many times can you be unfaithful before your spouse will have had enough? Even the soggiest milquetoast will eventually give up.

Cutting off contact also means cutting off contact with relatives, friends and acquaintances of your lover. All of these people are the means of keeping a hidden connection to the thing that is destroying your marriage. It is a subtle ‘back-door’ means of staying in contact.

To the extent that you are willing to take these steps you reveal how committed to your marriage you really are. They reveal how much you respect your spouse. You are demonstrating to your spouse that you are willing to work at your relationship again. To the extent that you are NOT willing to take these steps, you reveal how little your spouse means to you. You are also causing inestimable amounts of damage, pain and sadness to your spouse, family, and real friends.

‘No contact’ is just that important.

22 thoughts on “The Purpose of No Contact

  1. What happens when a child is born from adultery, how do you sustain the no contact rule and do what is right for the child?

    1. You can have child support payments set up By the courts and decide for the child to never have contact with the father or your family. There is no rule that your husband has to help raise the child. He can financially support it without contact from any of you. You can move away and start over somewhere where you and your children don’t have to see the affair partner of her child.

      If he wants to be involved then the payments can still be set up by the court and you would have to be the contact person. The mother would need to contact you by text or email only for times to arrange visitation or child needs ( clothing, etc). Your husband should change all contact information so the AP’s only choice of contact is to you by email or text. He should allow a wall of protection between him and his AP in an effort to protect his marriage and his family. No contact!

      1. How is that fair to the child??? The OW counts, too. He lied to her deeply as well and by creating life with her, he is now responsible to that LIFE. Giving the wife full control is an illusion. He will ALWAYS find a way to contact the mother of his child. That is his child, how selfish. And all this OW bashing, its really immature. Your HUSBAND was the one most likely pursuing her and lying, telling her divorce is immenent and be patient. There is no way once a child is created to keep the man away from the “OW” and his child. His heart is already there.

    1. If it were me I would insist no contact for mother and child both. Require a paternity Test to see if the child is really his and then set up child support payments thru the courts. There would never be any contact with the child or mother. If the husband wants to be involved then the AP would be in contact with you the wife only. And only as it regards visits to your home and only by text or email. Very minimal contact only to arrange times to come she go on visits. The husband would never be involved or in communication with the ASAP again. He should change his phone number and email so the AP has no access to him. If child support is set up through the court then there is no reason for contact between them.
      You could also check into the father giving up all rights to the child and see if that impacts child support. They can go their separate ways then with absolutely no contact at all.

  2. Good question…by the time I found out the children they had …intentionally but not intending to marry ever …He had had several years to bond with those children and our children were older …His choice? To leave both of us and try to spend a very limited spotty time with all of the children at different times as it suited his schedule…not engaged fully with any and not about them …but still about himself.

    He had been living such a divided life secretly he SAID he did not want to leave his marriage but in the end he was not willing to apply the effort to do what was needed for anyone.

    He is a very selfish man and thinks he will get everyone to eventually compromise …I have been born again and intentionally following the Lord for 46 years…some things are non negotiable and those things which are truth and foundations of life as set by GOD in His Word are not up for compromise.

    What a person does regarding GOD has a lot to do with how well they are able to acknowledge what is right and wrong and what is destructive ..

    I feel a man who does not care what GOD has said is right will not love as God has told him to …If he does not really love GOD he will not love his wife and he will end up with the ‘results ‘ that cause him to justify and blame others for why he ‘needed’ to cheat….it is a self deceit that will end up hurting EVERYONE that he has influence upon …including those who trust him at work.


  3. I had a 2 year affair with a man who was married( didn’t tell me in the beginning & then when i was told, he promised to leave his marriage stating he was in the midst already of getting out…a lie of course…)- he didn’t leave his marriage and in fact they are in counselling now. I ended the relationship over a year ago but he insists on calling me and keeping in contact even though ive asked him not to, and even though ive told him i don’t think his wife would appreciate him remaining in contact with the woman he had an affair with ( she is still unaware)…am i right to feel that he shouldn’t be in contact with me?..I do not want to be with him nor do i have any feelings other than disgust for him and what hes done but i need to know if im on the right path with this or im maybe burning a bridge where i shouldnt ( hes a very well know and powerful man in canada in his field)…i just cannot get past the fact that I feel him contacting me is wrong…help

    1. Lena, your instincts are right, you know there should be no contact and you know that he is using you emotionally and you are allowing him to.

      Change your phone number, call the police or better still let his wife know, you know that any of those actions would immediatley bring the situation to light and quite possibly resolve and dissolve this situation.

      If you are honest with yourself there is a strong part of you that does not wish for this to happen because you do still wish to be in contact with him. Yes you maybe angry with him but the emotional ties are still there.

      He will never leave his wife for you, he doesn’t love you or care for you only himself. He is selfish and has used you.

      Cut all ties before it is too late and move on.

    2. Hi Lena,

      I agree with you–you are right that he should not be in contact with you AT ALL. Not one little bit in any kind of way. So I suggest that you write him a No Contact Letter where you state out loud that you are ending ALL contact with him including but not limited to: text, email, chat, social media, snail mail, and every other means of contact. Indicate out loud that you will be blocking and deleting all the means that have been used in the past for contact. And finally, indicate that if he attempts to contact you, that you will send his attempt straight to his wife along with proof of the affair and that you will file a restraining order against him as a stalker. Send this letter Certified Return Receipt, keep a printed copy of it, and keep the green postcard when it comes back (either he signed it or he refused to pick it up and you can prove you attempted to legally notify him to cease and desist).

      Then delete your FB page or your chat profile or whatever. Block him on your phone. And if he attempts to contact you again, don’t reply. Just send out proof of the affair to his wife along with a copy of your letter requesting he stop and a copy of his attempt to contact. Then go straight to the courthouse and file a restraining order. If he attempts after that–he goes to jail. One way or the other, he will stop contacting you.


  4. Thank you all for confirming what i knew i needed to do..:) I did change my number but his influence allowed him to find it- he has friends in high places i guess… ive been sending his email to a certain folder in order not to not have it come to my inbox but when he calls i am almost stumped and am quite passive aggressive with him- i want to scream..STOP CALLING ME- IT’S NOT RIGHT!-…but i just sit there and listen-its almost like i feel a need to ‘ report’ to him – i’m not wanting to be with him at all – i just have such a difficult time being so firm with him…i KNOW it’s crucial to be firm- im not friendly- but im not firm…i don’t want to go to the drama of calling his wife( i’ve wanted too many many times but didn’t for fear that I would be disrespecting myself)) nor the police- i just want him to see that he’s not proper in contacting me…..he needs to let go…
    I dont want him to leave his wife- ive fallen out of love with him- purely because he’s a man that I cannot respect -= he’s been a good man in MANY ways but the ones I needed to respect him for- he’s sucked at…so i let go- before that however, i moved 3 blocks away from him ( from across the country( from BC to Ontario)) and he had zero issue with me being that close UNTIL , he realized i wasn’t ok being the ‘other woman’ and wanted him to own up to his commitment that he made before I knew he was married and then shortly after…when he realized that I wasn’t going to follow thru with it-( being the other woman)- he would bypass my house rather than stop in all casual like before- and then i moved a couple provinces over and he started calling m,e again- not professing love for me but a refusal to see why we couldn’t be friends- he so desperately wants to be my friend and im still like WTF and WHY??! Im torn between this…ive stated to him, ” do u think ur wife would appreciate you remaining in contact with the woman you had an affair with?’…his answer was simply stating..” good question” other response- all i can say is DOUCHEBAG..i just wish i could say THAT to him…so other than calling the police or his wife- HOW can i maintain my )already compromised) dignity and get out of this…

    1. One thing I have found to be effective in all of these aspects of th situation you find yourself in is my care about what doing things that will harm all involved
      When I became a Christian I had to learn from reading the Bible what God has to say to me about His definition and kind of love and what that meant for me and how I would have to prioritize my life

      I had to decide with every temptation what I was willing to do in terms of harm to myself ….which every sinful action will eventually bring about

      Some were from my ignorance of how to deal with various ones

      But one thing that I found helpful was to consider the harm to others opinion and view of Jesus Christ

      Also I took Jesus at his word whenever I was on the brink of disaster I spoke His Word….I doing so I was able to back off several instances of rape …even as the person told me that was their intention
      They fled…both times…different men….different times

      Soon I learned not to engage in conversation even for the sake of Christ in this unwise way….alone…with a man!

      I apparently have been too zealous for my own good but I have grown in wisdom ….slow growing but it has been His patient loving grace as I kept in His word

      The point is that the Lord tells us that as we are born of His spirit ….His spirit is in us and it is living
      His word is His spirit….active in U.S. Through His word which we are given that will rise up in U.S. Where we have obediently stored it from daily time with Him in it

      This man is operating in darkness….spiritual deception

      The Word spoken to Him in Jesus Christ will expose this condition so he will either flee or repent

      In any case it is up to you to determine who you are going to please….God and obey His wisdom by fleeing this involvement because it is damaging to you….and his wife and family and even himself….serving Sarah’s plan of destruction of the lives of all in this dark activity

      He is being held captive to lust but you cannot help him by offering him any contact or conversation

      Do you believe in the Saviour as your Lord and that God has raised Him from the dead?

      Do you know scripture says that you have been bought with a price…you are not your own! Serve the Lord you died for you

      Father loves you and will provide you with what IS love….but nothing sinful is loving

      Lust is a trap and a counterfeit…it takes up your time when the Lord might bless you with what is true and healthy

      Gods man for you will never be another woman’s husband…that would break Gods will and design for what marriage is meant to do and be in the lives of the husband and wife God has joined together when they both vowed …it was an act of God which many do not realize was sealed for their then life going forward to learn to live sacrificially!

      God called upon the man to love his wife and sanctify her….which would bring about the man’s satisfaction with the wife he requested from God at the time of the vows

      Do you want what is Gods best for you?

      Scripture says ” no good thing will God withhold from those that walk uprightly”

      Adultery is not the means to be involved and still expect all good things from God because it is a perversion of the way God has gifted man and wife with the marriage covenant and all they might learn held within it

      If they are willing to learn to submit to His ways and instruction

      The devil wants to destroy marriages by way of ignorance of how to open the paradise of marriage by turning men to options…thinking it’s no big thing

      The man loses in doing this and it effects his wife’s heart…and his own appreciation of her that he once had ….all because he does not know about what he feels when tempted is lust…and that it will lead him to never be matured or satisfied

      All worthwhile things in life demand time,attention,and effort

      People today get decieved by what appears to be easy pleasure….it is shallow and a time waster…and destructive to the process of growth and maturity marriage is supposed to give an arena free of outside intrusions to build in that union

      You do not want to be any part of what intrudes to what God joined and blessed even if that man is ignorant of how to enjoy his life and marriage

      If he has not cared to ask God how this works he has to become aware

      Sinful quick fixes and neglect of the wife he HAS is his own doing if he is dissatisfied and too big a coward to do what a husband is called and would be equipped by God to fulfill

      James says that if we have not it is because we have not asked the Lors for help or because we have asked for something amiss not acccording to what He said but according to our lust…our wants which are not according to His will

      Gods word says “love does no ill to his neighbor”

      Considering the Old Testament way of dealing with sexual sin by death…I’m guessing that sexual sin is prohibited because of all the ways it is destructive…after all the “fun” fades away

      Jesus paid in full for the sins of the world because sin kills!

      But people need to repent…turn away from their own devices and pay attention to His word….follow Him

      Temptations come but who do we want to be?

      In shutting this man down…speaking to him of his need for the Saviour in no uncertain terms …that is love

      Concern for his soul….in Jesus name

      Why people who love the Lord seem ashamed to speak up in His name is a mind boggled
      Why should those who He died for and are still unconverted care about the Saviour Christians say they love and follow if they do not speak His name and offer His news to people because of fear of being rejected or outcast?

      Why worry about what anyone who would not receive Him thinks of you?

      News flash Jesus told us that if we follow Him we could expect to be rejected…hated…persecuted…but that is part of being His

      It is the spirit of God that provokes this response in those lost and who love sin

      Be brave…defend yourself with the sword of the spirit..which is the word of God
      Speak the word

      Submit to God…resist the Devil and he will flee from you

      This man needs to be redeemed

      If nothing else pray and deliver yourself to Jesus Christ and when you do you will see the wisdom of choosing to please God rather than men

      That priority will go a long way to helping you make decisions that are healthy no matter how the crowd goes

      Stay in His keeping

      And you are not responsible for that man

      His need is deliverance from his fleshly habits .Jesus delivered those willing from the trap of thinking every thought of emotion is true .

      In Jesus we are free to NOT follow sinful urges by equipping ourselves with the true knowledge of what His word said…”it is written….” Was how Jesus dealt with temptation

      Bless you dear …don’t give up or give into this momentary trial of your faithfulness to the God who really has proven His worth and trustworthiness

      1. Sorry for the typos and auto corrected words that are not what I typed!
        I think you can still get the points

        One thing I reread that may be miss understood regarding the reaction of people to Gods word and the Spirit of truth….it is not the spirit of God which may bring the negative reaction to the Word….but the spirit in them that is not of God…love for the world..the flesh ….which if not OF the Lord will reject the Word….the bible tells us that we don’t know what spirit we are of before we come to know the truth from He who IS the truth

        Jesus said “I AM the way the TRUTH and the life…no man comes into the Father but by me”

        Anyone not born from above…faith comes by hearing and hearing BY the Word of God is dead according to the Word
        Born spiritually dead…born again to life eternal by way of trusting that Jesus Christ fulfilled and paid in full the penalty due sin


        And it is for all who receive His word with meekness the word able to save the soul
        If we deny Him He cannot deny Himself
        If anyone is ashamed of Jesus Christ before men …Do you know what Jesus said He would do before God concerning this?

        Go with the Lord and leave this man to Him in my perspective

    1. You are welcome

      Assure yourself of what the Lord says by daily growing in the Word
      When I was young I would not pay attention to things which would have protected me enthusiasm in my new faith and my desire for people to know Christ but lack of knowledge and wisdom put me in danger more than a few times

      Yet the Lord was always faithful to keep me and prepared the way for me to escape literally when I cried out to Him and did as He said to

      Both of the particular rape situations occurred as I was witnessing but not wise about how ….

      Both men led me to isolated areas as I was busy and intent with speaking things I was excited about of Jesus Christ .

      Now I realize that most people would think me stupid ….hello common sense!

      At some point both men….and these were separate instances…..they both declared they intended to rape me!

      One had me pinned down and as I cried out all I knew to say ” you are not going to rape me in the name of Jesus Christ”

      There was a knock on the door and he stopped….out me in a bathroom across from the front door.
      A girl came in and as they went to another room I fled through the front door

      The other time the same senario …the devil and his minions are not original…probably one reason once we get rooted and grounded in the word we are able to learn from God the wiles and how to avoid being prey

      The way I have felt after these things could have shut me down as the devil likes to try to take your lack of knowledge and desire to serve the Lord by sharing Hus Word to make you feel foolish or to blame

      The name of Jesus Christ is not a magic word but it is the name above every name and every knee must now when we remind those demons that pose as a natural minded thought in people’s minds to promote sinful ideas and actions

      The name spoken by a believer rightly set will shed light upon the unfruitful works of darkness and they cannot withstand. It

      Gods word is said in scripture to be a sword.

      A sword is both offensive and defensive
      We need to fill up daily on it and ask the Lord to teach us how to walk circumspectly

      All maturity takes time and proper food

      We mature over the length of our lives as believers as we obey Him to study what He says not just what others say about Him

      The walk is exciting enough and learning is life long…on into eternity

      The Lord will guide you into the all truth of His word and no other source is all truth

      Many deceivers abound today but as you stay faithful in study of the and relationship with Jesus Christ…no man shall take you out of His hand

      We may stumble but He is the good shepherd….His sheep HEAR His voice which is His Word
      Ask Him for wisdom and trust that He knows what He is talking about

      Any man that does not care enough about God will not truly care about how he relates to Gods children…wife..women in general

      How can he be of any good to anyone including himself?

      Trusting a man or woman who are led by their feelings and appetites will lead nowhere you want to go!

      When you are born of the incorruptible seed of Gods Son by His Word and walk in it you are going to begin to learn things that you never knew

      Gods Word is boundless in what His definition of all things is

      You will discover what love is and it is so much more than people understand from life according to this world

      In this world sin has been “normalized” and set in place of what true love is
      That is why trusting in feelings only will land you in a ditch

      But Jesua Christ IS the Good Samaritan.

      If you will need His Word and follow Him He will teach you….just ask Him and read

      “He has prepared a table for me in the presence of mine enemies”

      Bon Apetitie!

      In both

  5. One important point I wish to ascert here is that though we were given the freedom to make choices ….in Gods design marriage is a jurisdiction bound by a vow .

    Man makes a choice to marry and enter into a covenant with God to keep his choice making within the boundaries that the designer of marriage determined

    God being all good all the time has provided protection for all He has created through laws that apply to all of this life and eternity for our best welfare in every jurisdiction we may exist within

    We are born …become children under the jurisdiction of our fathers who were intended to learn from God how to parent us while learning themselves wisdom that identity of father would facilitate in learning more of how to live wisely

    We become adults …failing to be trained and taught by the Lord through His Word and godly parents we make choices by whatever is the strongest influence upon our thought life…aka the world ,the flesh and the principalities and powers of the air

    If we marry many do so without understanding any of what marriage is or involves as defined by its Creator…..thus error abounds and with it troubles badly dealt with

    What the marriage vows actually promise is the understanding that with the view comes the denouncing of being free to continue to “shop” among other men or women

    ONE man…ONE woman for the lifespan ….period

    Living by the priorities God has set for us…there are no “choices” regarding considering “options” to the spouse you bowed before God…even if you did not realize the severity of this action

    Entering marriage was your choice

    The responsibility is not revocable without biblical cause…even then the choice of any who belong to Christ should be defined further by His will….recorded in the whole testimony of His word on the matter …which would glorify Him and proclaim His power to redeem and restore

    Those who see the adultery as an opportunity to “choose” further sinful options as this sick age has provoked them to presume will continue to live in a sinful way

    Forgiveness is offered with the proviso “go and sin no more”

    A married persons choice is set before him by the Lord ” Repent ”

    That speaks of turning from ones independent fleshly desires to obey the Word of Gos which is truth….and really the best and only choice of the married person

    No matter what people think ….”we should obey God rather than man”…it is the best place to be

    Married people must make the “choice” within the jurisdiction that they entered into to expect the best outcome which will require daily choices to honor their maker and initial choice to take upon themselves this identity of spouse

    The truth is ….they have been recreated in their choice to marry….that new identity is true….one flesh

    It is an identity that though demonstrated by flesh is even more true as a spiritual bond joined upon the request of the spouses for God to grant them this new identity which He bestows at their request!

    This places the responsibility upon them to learn about how to get along through their lifetime with each other.

    It protects others from becoming used or experiments with for self gratification

    There is no freedom to choose in the sense that one may choose to change their mind and depart

    This is why dating mentality encourages weak commitment in people ….taking up a life of another while always keeping one foot in the single realm

    People are not intended to provide for the use of others based upon their self concerns

    Everyone is damged when the depth of seriousness concerning the marriage vow has been reduced by re branding the covenant to the idea of “contract”.

    There will be hell to pay for this subtle kind of redefining what God has defined and Jesus confirmed

    People are destroyed by such accommodations to emotional decision making.

    God has stated in no uncertain terms that man is destroyed for lack of knowledge of His Word and refusal to follow His command to learn of HIM.

    If you chose to marry your only biblical choice is to live within the instructions found in he “Manuel” and not be too proud or lazy to study to find out and ask the Lord to help you walk in it.

    This is not “harsh” and only seems so to those who want to be “gods” and live by their own opinions and feelings

    BTW the church mentioned in the Revelation of Jesus Christ as he church of the Laodiceans….refers to the meaning of that word being the church of “people’s opinions ”
    Where Gods word is exchanged for appealing to people’s felt needs.

    We need to be willing to be transformed by the renewing of our minds to the truth of Gods word and stop being conformed to this world as The scriptures instruct is to do.

    1. Again my typos hopefully will not hinder understanding….I was not able to reread until I posted this

      Some of the words in place of the word “vow” betray fat thumbs! And it is supposed to be “God”…not Gos !

      Chagrin of smart phone auto correct!😕

    1. He is the 🍞that came down from heaven

      Enjoy some daily 🍞 today!

      MmmmMmmm taste and see that the Lord is good!

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