AFFAIRCARE

…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.

ALL of the Signs Your Spouse May be Cheating

You’ve suspected for days, maybe weeks.  Something is wrong or off between you and your spouse, and you’re beginning to wonder if maybe they might be…. NO!  That’s not possible.  Other people have affairs, not you two; what you have is special.  Then again there was that thing last week, and when you brought it up, your spouse twisted it around as if YOU were the one with the jealousy issue!  “You’re just being paranoid–you’re crazy for thinking like that!” they said.  Still there’s that nagging doubt in your mind.

Here are some of the signs of a spouse that may be cheating.  These behaviors are only  indicators of a cheating spouse and are not absolutes!  If your spouse has one or two of these behaviors, and there is a legitimate reason and a mutual agreement (such as you two talk about it and agree to try to lose weight…and they’ve gone a little obsessive about it), these signs do NOT prove infidelity.  But when you observe several, or maybe MOST, of these behaviors, your marriage may be in trouble!  Again, let me reiterate that these behaviors are only indicators of  an affair.

The Classic Clue:

When you see lipstick on your husband’s shirt or strange hairs on their clothing or in the car.

Sign 1–Gut Instinct:

  • The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place.
  • Your cheating husband or wife stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.
  • Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.
  • You find intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that are gifts for someone else and have not been given to you.

Sign 2–Behavior That Is Not Their Usual Character:

  • When your partner shows up without their wedding ring or suddenly stops wearing it and makes lame excuses as to why. This also goes for jewelry you might have purchased for them and you catch them not wearing it when they go out when usually they wear it at all time.
  • When they break their established routine at work and home for no apparent or logical reason; erratic behavior.
  • When your mate becomes suddenly forgetful and you have to tell him/her everything several times; their thoughts are obviously elsewhere.
  • When they appears distant, show a lack of interest, or develop an unexplained aloofness that wasn’t there before.
  • When their behavior just doesn’t add up.
  • When your wife sleeps with her purse by the bed, or your husband sneaks out of the house.
  • When your spouse suddenly starts completely ignoring you and not listening to what you are saying -OR- when they suddenly begin to treat you extremely nicely…more so than usual.
  • When they encourage you to have a social life and go places out of town, and it seems like they’re trying to get you “out of the house.”
  • When your husband or wife begins to intentionally look at or flirt with the opposite sex when in the past, this is something they would not have done.

Sign 3–Birth Control:

  • When you find birth-control pills in the medicine cabinet, and you’ve had a vasectomy -OR-
  • When you find condoms in the car or in his pockets, and you are on the pill.

Sign 4–Showering/Cologne:

  • When he or she leaves the house in the morning smelling like their usual fragrance and returns in the evening smelling like something else.
  • When they arrive home and head straight into the shower or bath, and they work an office job.
  • When your spouse’s clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave used by the opposite sex
  • When he or she has worn the same fragrance for years, and suddenly they are wearing something new and wearing MUCH more than usual.

Sign 5–Uncomfortable Around You:

  • When your mutual friends start acting strangely toward you, because they either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible spouse you are.
  • When your spouse’s co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence, because either they know about the afair or have heard horror stories to justify it.
  • When your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is “touchy” and easily moved to anger.
  • When your spouse avoids social events with you, as if they want to cover up that they are with you.

Sign 6–Electronic Clues:
Email clues~

  • When your spouse sets up a new e-mail account and doesn’t tell you about it.
  • When your spouse spends all their time on the email, checking their email, or fooling with email somehow.
  • When your husband or wife suddenly deletes all emails from the email account (and it’s not just a clean up) and in the past they used to let them accumulate.
  • When they delete an email the minute it comes in, and then delete the trash to make sure you don’t see it.

Cell phone clues~

  • When s/he buys a cell phone and doesn’t let you know about it.
  • When your husband or wife suddenly deletes all messages from the voicemail where as they used to accumulate.
  • When they suddenly delete all caller IDs from the phone so you can’t see them.
  • When s/he sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to the office.
  • When you aren’t allowed to ever look at or use their cell phone, and they go to great lenghts to make certain their cell is not answered by you.
  • When your spouse is secretive about their cell phone and it is on their person 24/7, and they are on it talking or texting that whole time.
  • When they receive bizarre text messages from friends you never realised knew–in other words having ‘pretend’ names in their phone that are really the OP.

Computer signs~

  • When they stay up to “work” or “play a game” on the computer after you go to bed. Excessive internet usage, especially late at night, is a red flag.
  • When your spouse will not allow you access to their computer or they suddenly shut down the computer when you walk into the room.
  • When they may password protect their laptop or computer to keep out suspicious eyes.
  • When she or he warily guards access to their chatrooms, chat logs, games, Facebook page, or other social media.
  • When your spouse has unusual sites showing in the “browser history” (such as “adultfriendfinder” or “ashleymadison”), or erases their history after each late-night session.

Sign 7–Things Are Just Different at Home:

  • When your spouse raises hypothetical questions such as, “Do you think it’s possible to love more than one person at a time?”
  • When they have a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry (and they never have before) and it’s like they’re trying to find or hide something.
  • When he/she shows a sudden interest in a different type of music that they really disliked before.
  • When your spouse loses attention in the activities in the home and seems forgetful, distracted or like they don’t care.
  • When he/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home…including the children.
  • When you notice that your partner loses their ability and desire to show the children the attention they need or a lack of desire to do any fix-ups around the house, e.g., lawn care, painting, cleaning the garage, house repairs, etc. They might turn this around on you at the same time and accuse you of never doing anything or treating the child/children badly.
  • When they are always tired or demonstrate a noticeable lack of energy or interest in the relationship.
  • When they sleep on the sofa some of the night.
  • When you two don’t go to bed together, and they tell you not to wait up when you have always done so.
  • When your spouse suddenly asks about your schedule more often than usual–wanting to know where you’ll be and when.
  • When they talk to you they treat you abusively or with disdain, disrespect or excessive sarcasm. Or. . . they may begin to find fault in everything you do in an attempt to justify their affair.
  • When your spouse is exceedingly critical and sometimes mocking you.
  • When your spouse becomes “accusatory,” asking if you are being true to him/her, usually out of guilt.
  • When they begin to speak more and more harshly to you, or are more sarcastic. Sometimes this is just an attempt to justify their cheating…or to give them an excuse to storm out of the room/house.
  • When you notice that they are reluctant to kiss you or accept your affection and/or they criticize you for showing attention.
  • When your spouse ignores or criticizes your loving behavior and thoughtful ways. Example : “Why are you so luvy duvy? I’m just not like that.”

Sign 8–Lots and Lots of Changes:

  • When s/he joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program and “hated” exercise before.
  • When your spouse buys new, sexy underwear and you never see it.
  • When they have a sudden preoccupation with their appearance.
  • Her: When she gets spiffed up and dresses provocatively to “go grocery shopping” or to “get her hair done.” She may also show up with a sudden change of hair style. Him: When he showers, shaves (cologne, deodorant, etc.) and dresses up more than usual to “go out with his buddies” or to “go fishing.”
  • When your spouse begin to make sudden and excessive purchases of clothes or an unexplained change in clothing style (for example, from business professional to steampunk).
  • When they show a sudden interest in a different type of music that they always hated before.

Sign 9–Telephone Mannerisms That Are Different:

  • When your spouse receives “mysterious” phone calls that don’t seem to make sense–and when you ask who called, they say, “No one”, “Wrong number”, or “Why do you care?”
  • When YOU get an increasing number of hang-ups or “wrong numbers” when you pick up the phone especially if the caller hangs up after hearing your voice and doesn’t speak. Generally when a person dials a “wrong” number, they will at least ask, “Is Fred there?” before hanging up.
  • When your phone bills show unexplained toll or long distance charges. Often you’ll find one phone number listed excessively.
  • When s/he Hurriedly picks up the phone to answer it before you do.
  • When they leave the room to talk on the phone.
  • When your spouse Whispers while on the phone.
  • When s/he deletes the information (name and phone number) from “caller ID”.
  • When they behave differently or end the telephone call abruptly when you enter the room…or appear to hang up quickly.
  • When your spouse tells you to get ahold of him or her at a different telephone number (they don’t want you calling while they’re with the OP).

Sign 10–Automobile Related Signs That Something is Up:

  • When the passenger’s seat is adjusted differently than you had left it.
  • When your spouse takes the child seat and/or kid’s toys out of the car for no particular reason.
  • When you find suspicious items in the car like phone numbers, receipts, lipstick, condoms or strange hairs in the vehicle.
  • When they begin to keep a change of clothes hidden in the trunk of the car or an unusual amount of clothes changes at the gym.
  • When the car has unexplainable mileage or a lack of additional mileage. For example, if your husband states that he went out of town yet the odometer indicates that only a distance of 25 miles had been driven. Conversely, if he says that he’s only been to the office that day, yet their odometer shows many more miles had been driven, this too, may be a significant matter.
  • When s/he “goes to the store for groceries” or “goes to get some gas” or “goes to the bank” (a task that should take just a few minutes) and comes home 5 hours later.
  • When you notice increased gas purchases that are inconsistent with the amount of miles on the car.

Sign 11–Paper Trails of a Cheating Spouse:

  • When you find credit card receipts for gifts you didn’t receive -OR- your credit card bills itemizes gifts you didn’t receive (such as florist or jewelry).
  • When you find the credit card receipts showing purchases from places unknown to you or that seem suspect -OR- when your credit card bill itemizes odd places.
  • When you see an increase in ATM withdrawals on your bank statement, especially those from out-of-town.
  • When you find ATM receipts bearing a time/date stamp from a city you don’t recognize. [Cheating costs money! To play you must pay.]
  • When they begin to volunteer to go to the post office, rushes to check the mail before you do or opens up a new P.O. box perhaps without even telling you.
  • When unusual phone numbers appear on the phone bill.
  • When the duration and time of the calls on the phone bill appear excessive.
  • When they are secretive about their cell phone bill or they start to pay it themselves.
  • When you notice business travel or other deductions on their expense account for travel or other expenses of which you were not aware.

Sign 12–Sex Tip-offs That Something’s Wrong:

  • When s/he is no longer interested in sex, or s/he makes excuses for its infrequency.
  • When your spouse starts to request kinky or other erotic sexual activity (behavior) that you’ve never done before, including watching porn.
  • When they show a “new talent” in the bedroom (that they might have learned from the individual with whom they’ve been cheating).
  • When s/he appears reluctant to kiss you, or show affection toward you.
  • When your spouse continues giving poor excuses for why they’re not in the mood to make love.
  • When they have unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.
  • When s/he suddenly wants more sex, more often.

Sign 13–Work-related Signs That They May Be Cheating:

  • When s/he works longer hours, more frequently
  • When they supposedly work a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.
  • When they change their established routine with no apparent reason.
  • When s/he begins discouraging you from calling him or her at work.
  • When your spouse is often “unavailable” when you try to call him or her at work.
  • When they returns calls long after you leave a message for him or her.
  • When s/he prefers to attend work functions (or any events) alone and tries to discourage you from attending.
  • When your spouse takes more trips for business reasons and even refuses to let you drive him or her to the airport.
  • When you find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal time off from work – but supposedly worked on those days.
  • Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously.
  • When the amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off.
  • When they are late home from work and always have an excuse ready.
  • When s/he claims to be stressed with work problems when questioned about their odd behaviour.

Sign 14–Things you’ll hear:

1. “We are just friends.”
2. “I need you to respect my privacy.”
3. “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.”
4. “I need some space to figure out my feelings.”

 

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238 thoughts on “ALL of the Signs Your Spouse May be Cheating

  1. Pingback: Signs Your Spouse May be Cheating « AFFAIRCARE

  2. Your spouse is going out of their way to avoid you because they feel like if they are around you, then they
    may give their secret away. When someone cheats, they go through the duties of the day in a rather different way.
    When a younger individual pays them some attention they will feel
    flattered and experience a brief boost of confidence.

  3. Almost everything posted here describes my husband’s behaviour over the past 25 years.
    After enduring my husband’s extra marital affairs for the for the past 25 years, I can honestly say to him that ‘I love you but I am not in love with you’ -and I am not the one having the affair. He earned that endearment ;-)

  4. Don’t take someone’s word for it when they say they’re “just playing” their MMOPRG with Android mobile clutched sweatily and guardedly in hand. Check also for IM services that they didn’t use before, friend services seemed to be of interest also. I feel like a total chump. He’s moving out tomorrow. And I am going to be a lonely one.

    • hi can u help me out ?

      • Dont second guess your suspicions. If you think he or she is cheating. He or she probably is. Its a good idea to check it out if you really think so by surprise visits without they noticing it and other times just show up and make sure they notice it. After a while, your spouse will become afraid that you may catch them and stop trying to cheat.

  5. Many thanks for information most of them match my partner.
    Why we cheat, because we are greedy and we want more and we think we deserve more and this our right to do so.

    Cheating is stealing and its bad and destroy everything you built, please tell the people love, before to get to some fantasy think again as his /her mistake will rune and destroy the relationship and blown away innocent children lives and you won’t get your dignity back and you might loose your family for little dirty fantasy.

    I pray for all the victims. Amen

    • We cheat because obviously not happy with partner, bored, People change, feelings change the person we do cheat with has that spark, gives us/me that excitement we/I need or have been looking for. Cheaters don’t ruin you or your family, Not being in love, communication that is what ruins your family.

      • There is never an excuse to cheat, don’t enter into a relationship to begin with if even the thought or possibility of you becoming bored of that person is there.

      • Totally disagree. Cheaters don’t ruin many lifes and could ruin their own if they we honest about what they are doing, But wait that’s why they are cheaters because they just care about themselves.

      • Lina,

        I completely agree with you. I think that poor communication and falling out of love with someone is what ruins families. While I have never cheated, I have known many people who have. Some of them are still with their wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends and others aren’t.

        I have long told my wife that if she ever was to cheat on me, that I NEVER want to know about it. If I am not taking care of her physical needs, then that is my fault and I don’t blame her for looking for someone who will. If she no longer loves me, then I want to know about it and we can go our separate ways. This is just a case where I feel ignorance is bliss.

        It is important to remember that keeping the relationship requires work on both parts. I have been with my wife for almost 20 years and it is easy to get into a rut, but if you don’t try and change things you should expect something to happen.

      • Totally disagree with John Pope. Love is a decision – not a constant state of being. The reason marriage is equally wonderful and hard is that it requires a commitment that living together doesn’t. If I live with my girlfriend why not cheat? We’re not truly committed to each other. If I fall out of love with her I can dispose of the relationship or justify screwing around because, after all, we’re only boyfriend and girlfriend. Marriage, on the other hand is a contract between two people, and if you got married in a church, a covenant between the two of you and God. This usually serves to remind the couple who fell out of love to work on their relationship and get back on track. Who is constantly in love with their spouse.? There have been many times in my 29 years of marriage when I felt like throwing in the towel, but my Commitment to the marriage and my parents as role models who have been married over 60 years, keep me on track. I figured if my parents can do it, so can I and telling your wife if she cheats you don’t want to know about it?! Come on, really?! You just gave her permission to screw around so long as she doesn’t tell you. You really don’t want to know about the character and if your whole marriage is a lie? Besides, if your sex life isn’t great, this is when your Spouse should communicate so it can become great.
        For a guy whose been married for 20 years, you sure seem naive.

      • you can’t break up first? that would be the respectful thing to do.

  6. Things between my wife and myself change significantly after our first child was born. She never wanted to spend time together, or basically leave the house. This carried on for almost 2 years and progressively got worse, until finally one day she tells me she is leaving. This time I let her go, as I have been trying to make this work for so long with no effort on her side and I could not take it anymore.

    Before she cleared out her belongings from our house I was able to analyze my wife’s internet history to see what she was doing when she was up to as she was always on the computer. Good thing I did this as when I received the divorce documents her claims were outrageous. She claimed I was verbally abusive to her, that our plan with our new daughter was that she would always stay home and now she expected $1200 a month in spousal support, plus around $20,000 retroactive, and she expected me to pay for her legal costs.

    Luckily, with the help of certain software, named Wifespy, I was able to prove what was really was going on with her, otherwise I would have had to have claimed bankruptcy and would have never seen my daughter again.

    I recommend anyone who is going through divorce, separation or is suspicious of their wife to take the necessary steps needed to find out what is really going on. It could change the rest of your life.

  7. When someone cheats its a deal breaker. I’m always shocked by how many cheating spouses will throw their divorce on the uncheating party for not wanting to work it out. They are the one who broke the deal. If their spouse wants to try and work it out they should be grateful. They didn’t have to do that.

  8. Pingback: 7 Top Signs That Your Spouse Might Be Having An Affair - Aha!NOW

  9. Everyone cheats the ones that don’t never had a chance to thats all.

    • You know, I wasn’t sure at first if I should approve this comment. After all, I don’t want this to be a negative site, and I happen to personally disagree with you. But in the end I did approve it because I think a lot of people feel this way–especially shortly after they just discovered their spouse’s affair.

      • I agree with Valerie, not everyone cheats. some of us still believe in love, respect, fidelity, faithfulness and loyalty, even having good moral standards or beliefs. Simple you really must be extremely Simple mind.

      • Do you only approve the comments that you personally agree with? Just curious how far you extend your bias. Most comment areas are for open and honest debate and opinions. Also, and I assume this will probably keep me from getting approved ever again, you have a lot of misspelled words in the article.

      • “…Do you only approve the comments that you personally agree with? Just curious how far you extend your bias. Most comment areas are for open and honest debate and opinions. Also, and I assume this will probably keep me from getting approved ever again, you have a lot of misspelled words in the article…”

        Where to begin…

        1) We do not approve spam, offtopic, and inflammatory comments. It is our blog, we desire to keep the discussion civil.

        2) As with every other human being, we have biases. It is impossible to communicate without one. We tend to be biased against spam, for example.

        3) This comment area is open for honest debate and opinions. It is also open for dishonesty, since it is easier to help a marriage if the dishonesty can be rooted out and exposed.

        4) If there are misspelled words in this article, we’d appreciated you pointing them out.

        Thank you, and may your day turn out to be better than it seems to have been so far.

        David
        Affaircare Marriage Coach

    • That is so far from true… you must be a very simple minded person.

    • pre apology…I’m going to swear mildly…everyone cheats, it’s whether they get the chance/opportunity too??

      total B.S !!!

      a great parent you’d make.

      many folks (myself included) have had several CHANCES N OPPORTUNITIES to further the growing dysfunction in the world…

      brothers , sisters, you know who you are.
      be praised.

  10. It started about 2 months ago he started hiding his phone and when its in the house the mesages and call log is always cleared and I gist need to know if I should be worried

    • I’ve wondered why the phone is hidden in the house…..starting to worry, even when he says I have nothing to worry about, that he is not into playing games

    • If a husband is hiding his phone be afraid, be very afraid, and if he is getting lost in the house and hanging out in the bathroom, garage, taking forever to walk the dog, etc. take heed he is most likely involved in an affair. My husband would not let the phone out of his sight, he charged it by the side of his bed at night. During the 20 and a half months of his emotional affair with a co-worker his phone was all but attached to is body. He got caught because she was at out house with her husband for a party and he had left the phone in the bedroom. I had my whole family checking up on him and when the phone was out of his hands…he got caught!

      • betrayed – I agree with you completely. My husband became so attached to his phone during his numerous affairs over the last 18 months – I asked countless times if he was cheating on me to which he always replied “no never”. Well he had a bike accident (karma’s a bitch) and I had his phone for safekeeping – this is how I found out about all the affairs, all the lies he told me everyday. Weekends saying he was playing golf or working – what lies !!!

  11. I know another sign of cheating not mentioned here, dealing with the vehicle. In my investigation of our SUV I discovered one of the above listed signs & it tied into my new sign: when I inspected our truck, I found the passenger seat was reclined, AND I found loose change in the crack of the seat, like the kind that would fall out of a mans pockets. My wife takes the truck to work. I’m a poor bastard, I don’t ever let loose change exist in my truck, so I know that change wasn’t from me there’s never anyone in the passenger side. BUSTED

  12. He throws me a big 50th Birthday Party and days later says he wants a divorce. He says “I love you and am in love with you but don’t want to be married anymore”?

  13. Great, comprehensive list of what to look for. My personal experience leads me to urge, pay attention. I didn’t, because I never thought my wife of 25 years would ever cheat. She left me just before Christmas, disabled with early heart disease. I was and am so devastated, I didn’t think to look for proof until I got out of the hospital from the shock. The tracks were covered then. Even still, most of the above fit. By the time I started checking, it has just left me with wondering. Am I wrong or right? I’m told it doesn’t matter who it is or was, or even if their was an OP. Maybe there is something different with me, but it DOES matter. I know it won’t change anything, but it haunts me. Do yourself a favor and quietly check things before it’s too late. Damn, the pain, it’s better to know for sure then to be left with constantly wondering why. Strange how it gets twisted and turned around on you. I wish I knew the truth.

    • I know how you feel, mine said they were just friends, but I was lied to about their relationship. could not take it any longer, I .gave up, there nothing left, and I hurt all the time, he is out having a great time and I do nothing but wonder and cry! he should have just ended it, cheating hurts worst. he fits most of the list above I feel so stupid that I trusted him! I also spent 27 years with him what a waste !

  14. Sign 14–Things you’ll hear:

    1. “We are just friends.”
    2. “I need you to respect my privacy.”
    3. “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.”
    4. “I need some space to figure out my feelings.”

    I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.” is the most odious sentence in relation….I had all the above three points, I analysied her behavior, asked her many many many times whether she literary cheated on me or not, and she said no, never, If I had done that, I d have told you and this make or break. Here is his number you can call him and ask! … It s very complicated….the only true prover is checking sms via the main operator and NOT the phone, it proves 100% but hard to do….

  15. My wife completely blocked me from her Facebook and her behavior changed. All of her changed behaviors were listed above. Every time I would try to talk to her about it she would say that I’m so insecure and that made me very unattractive. When it came to her Facebook she said it was private and I needed to respect that. I knew she didn’t love me and I constantly tried getting her to admit it and find a way that we could be friends and separate amicably but she kept denying until I saw emails from single guys that were looking to meet her on her cell. I left her then and she still denied everything and blames the end of the marriage on me. She has never admitted anything to me since and it still bothers me that she hasn’t. She is in my life since we have kids and I don’t know how I can get her to just be honest.

    • Went thru the same thing man. FB is a great tool for a cheater. Demand access to all accounts incl emails.

    • How do you check the SMS? He had to change jobs. His company paid for his phone. We had to add him to mine. He keeps saying he should just get a track phone. I know he cheated on me. Gut, and tell tail signs. I was ready to leave and he asked me to stay. I have No trust, but a lot to give up. I want proof, I want to knock his dick in the dirt.

    • I think its wrong for married people to have people who they are not married to as “friends”. this free mixing on facebook in social gatherings is causing a lot of problems.

  16. My husband has displayed most of the signs above. But the one thing I trust the most is my gut feeling, or sixth sense as I like to call it. I think he is cheating on me. Unfortunately, I have no proof. So, my plan of retaliation is the following: I go to the gym every day I take out my frustrations and I burn calories at the same time . I started buying trendy clothes, I have my make up on all day, so when he gets home I look good, and I act like is all good not a care in the world. That way, if he is cheating on me which I’m pretty sure he is!!! I’m giving the B…. He’s cheating on me with a run for her money!!! Don’t get me wrong I love my husband, but I won’t sit here and take it. If he does leaves me! I look good and I won’t have any problems finding me some one that will respect me and appreciate me. So, bring it on.🙅

    • I totally agree with you I am doing the same I know I deserve better than him so let him get on with it he is the bad one in the relationship so good luck to him.

    • I hope you don’t find out he is cheating because you sound like a beautiful wife and if he is he doesn’t deserve not even your toe nail. yes you sound like such a patient wife one to cry for if he leaves you but there’s a crunch if he catches anything from her you get it . So if its just a chat. message problem you need to stop it before it escalates to touch affair. The best way to know if your husband is cheating is to check his messages and calls when he is busy and unaware of his phone or taking a nice long hot shower. Don’t tell him if you see the message. At least you can decide now whether to leave him or confront him. My advice is don’t confront a cheat ,just leave them. You will never be able to trust a cheat again. If you are honest ,honest people deserve honest people. Cheats are not made for honest people. Cheats need to tango with cheats like themselves.

  17. After 22 years of being happily married and never having taken separate vacations before, my husband decides he wants to go to Hawaii with his grown son, who isn’t married. We just had a fantastic vacation in Hawaii two months ago. I was not even invited to go this time. Am I being paranoid, or should I be on my guard?

    • Diane,
      It is really impossible to tell, based on the little information you’ve given here. For example, you say you had 22 years of happy marriage, and it seems to me that in a happy marriage both parties would be transparent with each other (that means being ‘See Through’ and letting your spouse see the REAL YOU: what you think and feel, who you’re really with, what you’re really doing, etc. In other words, not hiding stuff). If this is how your marriage has been, just tell him you feel a little weird that he’s going off by himself all-of-a-sudden and you want to discuss it and be in agreement before he just goes off and leaves. For all you know, he may have a perfectly reasonable reason for going, like his grown son getting a degree, a promotion that will require a LOT of time so it’s their last chance to spend time together, or your husband or son is ill. I’m just saying, there are legitimate reasons on the planet why he’d want to do this.

      BUT (and I think it’s a pretty big but…) one of the key components to a healthy, happy, respectful marriage is for the two partners to discuss things and be in agreement before major things like this are undertaken. The fact he didn’t discuss it with you at all raises a bit of a red flag in my mind. If you ask him about it and he’s defensive, that would raise another red flag. If he rages, that would raise a bigger red flag. At that point, I might suggest looking at our article “Low Tech Ways to Gather Evidence” and just begin to verify the truth. Double check bank statements and phone bills, with an open mind and an attitude of just verifying trustworthiness.

      Honestly, at this time I wouldn’t panic, but it does sound unusual. I’d suggest being honest with him and talking about it.

    • Diane, One would think after 22 years of marital bliss, you could tell him your concerns. So ask him. What’s the big deal here? If you can’t ask him, I take issue with your first seven words in your post.

    • Be on your guard.

  18. Everything that affaircare is saying is happening to me, i dont knw what to do..i think im smelling a divorce foom him…

  19. Before Christmas my wife said our marriage was over! On the 16th December she has her works Christmas party and gets home at 06:30!! I suspect something is going on and start looking through her stuff and find a name “Steve” in her 2014 calender between my name and my son’s (our birthdays are 5 days apart). I ask who is Steve, and the response is a guy at work (she also had her boss’s [Wendy] birthday in march). 24th December I find a Christmas card in her handbag from Steve, and teh front of teh card has the following message: All I want for Christmas is you” and inside a lovely message from Steve with lots of xoxoxoxoxo. I show her teh card and she says he is just a friend!! In the new year I find her mobile phone bill and can see 20 to 30 text messages a day starting in October. Again she says he is just a friend!!!

    In my mind I have do doubt she is having an affair as on 23rd December she went late night shopping, but I found the receipt for the items and it was stamped 15:00. In addition, on the weekend I went out with my son there are only 1 or 2 text messages in the morning, but othere weekends 20 to 30 all day.

    My wife has sworn on her Gran’s and our Son’s life that she has not had an affair, but all of the above leads me to the conclusion she has had an affair.

    I now need to decide what to do, as she has asked to time to see how she feels and she cars for me but does not love me. I have moved out and plan to divorce her…

    • You need to go see an attorney. She is obviously not respecting the marriage anymore.

      • I am seeing a solicitot/attorney on Monday.

        Is it common for partners to deny the affair even when confronted with “evidence”? My wife continues to say they are just friends and nothing has happened!

    • What the name of the company your wife work for? The reason I’m asking is because my fiancé name is Steve and I believe he’s cheating. I know it’s a small world and I’m saying that we’re speaking of the same person but his job had a Christmas party that he didn’t invite me to because he said he was only going to dropped off a gift and leave. It’s just that your stories sounds similar to mine thats why I’m asking that’s….I’m not crazy or any thing, once I read about what you said about your wife, it just hit close to home.

      • Very risky for anyone to answer a question like that. It would be foolish and possibly dangerous. You need to figure things out for yourself. If you think he is cheating, end your engagement, especially if you are already asking questions. You have doubts.

    • The receipt would have been the clincher for me! “Late night shopping”, while the receipt shows the latest purchase at 3:00pm? Of course she would have covered that by saying she did go shopping somewhere else but threw the receipt away. Or her female friends did the shopping and she was with them.

  20. Matthew, it depends. In my case my wife of 24 years denied everything even when I had overwhelming proof. Cheaters will do or say anything even lie straight to your face.

    Ask her for her passwords and all access to all her accounts including emails.

    This is the facebook era and while many married people are able to have friends of the opposite sex. Some sadly use that poise as justification.

    Good Luck. It does get better.

    • I have given up looking for more evidence, as I have no doubt in my mind what she was up to, and it was starting to drive me mad!
      I guess once your partner starts lying, they can’t stop. The past month has been tough, but I have now come to terms with getting a divorce and I am looking forward to a new life.

      • Mathew, I completely understand. My D Day was December 4th 2013 and the woman who I married at 18 was the love of my life. After 24 years I found out that I was never the “love of her life” and found out with hard concrete proof. I as well am looking forward to a new life and hoping to find a woman who does not lie nor cheat and knows what honesty is all about. Good luck to you mate, just remember arguing and fighting will lead nowhere and being a gentleman with dignity and poise will show who shines the most.

      • Cheaters want it all- they want the spice of a new fling, while having the safety of a family. They lie and lie and lie – to themselves, family, friends, etc. even if she has not had sex yet with Steve, she is cheating on you. She is just not ready to leave the family yet.

  21. Wow. This is as accurate and comprehensive a list of the typical cheater behaviors as I’ve ever seen. Personal experience showed me that “respect my privacy”, “just friends” and hiding the cellphone are excellent tells. When she starts accusing you or feigns outrage at your suspicion, you’ve probably hit the nail on the head. If it sounds like complete and utter BS, it probably is. Good site!

  22. Thanks for your advice.

  23. I don’t have a clue whether my fiancé is cheating or not because he’s only done some of the things that’s been listed like for instance: We’ve been together almost 4 years and the way he talks to me is different, he shows less interest in me and our sex life, when at first all we had to do is look at each other and it was “Over” but now were barely doing anything at all. Not that I’m making excuses for him but he has to be get up for work VERY early in the morning and sometimes he doesn’t even take a shower but tired or not if your women is nude when you come home and y’all haven’t been having sex, not TOOT my own horn but with my body type, he should be all over it but instead he’ll spark up a conversation about something totally out of the ordinary which doesn’t make sense to me. I’m so thrown off by him, confused and upset. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried almost everything to make want me and it hasn’t work, so I’m so close to throwing in the towel because he’s not doing a lot of the things he use to.

  24. I am married for 16 years now. I love my wife and believe that come what may I should stand by her.
    4 years after my marriage my wife took me to a park and suddenly told me that she has proof that I had an affair with the woman staying opposite to my house. I was surprised to know that I had an affair and I did not know it. I tried telling her that it was her imagination but she never agrees. 2 years later she blamed me of an affair with my house maid, It repeated again after 1 more year. We changed house and the same blame of affair with the opposite house lady was made. I was told by my elders and friends that wife’s normally behave like that because they are afraid of loosing you. But now with repeated allegations I am now convinced that there is some thing more than what I can see.

    Also from the past 4 years she is become more hostile to my parents and relatives. At times she fumes at the mere mention of names.
    She disregards anything I do and does not like anything I do or say at all. She keeps blaming me of not doing anything for her & my son. I have in fact given them gifts, trips etc which are forgotten,
    I do not know what does all this mean my life is getting worse day by day.

    • Dhar, it sounds like to me you are dealing with someone who has serious mental health issues, and unfortunately you have become an accomplice. She is the puppet master while you and your son are manipulated by her strings. Now tell me I am wrong here, but for the most part from the time you wake up, until the time you go to sleep, your life is filled with drama- her drama. You have no real inner-peace, security or romance with her, and sex is nearly non-existent, until she might initiate it which is rare, and usually with motive. Sometimes she will simply stop speaking to you for hours or even days. The things and people you love, well almost certainly she finds fault. In fact she finds fault with everything.

      You have become a tortured soul, even though you are a very decent individual. Stop being so pious and naive. This woman will NEVER change. Stand by her? Why? So you can walk on egg shells each day, do everything to earn her praise, and make her happy? Your spouse probably has a narcissistic personality disorder, and you, her and your poor son live in a world created by your wife if you stop and thing about it. You live in the world of codependency. Now that is my guess and only that. Chances are you will do nothing, and continue to live in her warped world. If I were you? I would find a therapist for you like TODAY. Not for you as a couple, but for you as a person. Do not tell wife or son about therapy. Don’t even think about “fixing” her- ain’t going to happen. Continue in therapy and start to see a beautiful life ahead of you, and without that evil and manipulative woman in your life. Get an attorney and create an exit strategy. I would give her no advance warning. Have the attorney advise you on local laws, and how you should go about taking some needed cash. Ask him about those credit cards the bittch has run up- often living beyond her means. If the price for your sanity is bankruptcy, that is not so big in the scheme of things.

      Once you leave her, her lovely character will take a quantum leap, where she calls your employer, friends and family and accuses you of everything in the book. She will torture you with questions as she is losing what she loves most. No not you silly. Her hold on you. She will try to entice you with sex, but you now see her insides where you are totally repulsed. Keep your cell phone, but get a separate one for yourself. Give it to no one she knows. You are in for quite a ride. She is going to have a ball using your son to get to you! BE STRONG! Just let it roll off you. Continue in therapy. You deserve a life of peace, love and tranquility. Things will get better and in a while down the road you will be whole again, and find a woman that loves you back. In the meantime get out asap! Save yourself, and your son.

      Good Luck.

    • I also agree with Brock. She may have a personality disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder and it’s devastating – abandonment/attachment issues and twisted perceptions, namely the frantic obsessive attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Check out the BPD sites or the DSM-5 definition and get help for both of you if possible. Good luck!

  25. is she safe with me or me with her? such behaviour is common 2 both of us!

  26. Thank a lot Brock.

  27. Wow there are several signs I continue to see and I wasn’t realizing it to be as bad as it really is thank u for your advice and help now do u no a good counselor haha

  28. what if she only shows a few signs not all of them?

  29. I am in a very similar situation and it’s funny the way you are thinking. That was my solution also.
    I am so glad I found someone is dealing with this in this way. Thank you for your post. Sometimes you can’t get out at that time or you are not sure…but you can change you and your thinking.

    I do have a question. How do you maintain your strength knowing this without letting on to any insecurities?
    There are days when I feel strong and can do this and days when he zaps my self esteem.

    But I can’t leave now and I have no proof. It’s just the gut feeling.

  30. My reply was to Phrotz17. I need advice . Thank you!

  31. I was in a similar situation…you will NEVER get her to admit her wrongdoing. NEVER. Start with that, mourn over it for a few days, accept that she is UNABLE to admit what she did was horrible…then MOVE ON before it eats you up. Take it from me..receiving no confession ate me up for 3 years and I regret that. Get counseling to help you move past it and make the rest of your life the best! Letting it chew you up doesn’t hurt anyone but you…so stop. Building an awesome life without her is the best thing to do to make her regret ever cheating. Good luck.

  32. I’ve had a gut feeling inside of me about my partner cheating on me for quite some time now.hes changed alot from the time I first met him.his attitude has gone from nice to bad and abusive(when were arguing)he neva use to be like this,he hardly ever wants to make love and that’s not normal he was always affectionate when it come to sex its like hes lost interest,when ever I confront him it turns in too a big argument and he ends up hitting me.hes kind to me at home when its just us and when he wants something.hes lazy theres no family time anymore its like he doesnt care.he treats me like a
    mate not a partner.he gives me options
    aargument then he ends up hitting means makes me feel like im the one in the wrong

  33. recently caught my husband surfing porn on his laptop in the living room while i was watching tv in the bedroom. we haven’t been intimate for a long long time & he has been telling me that he is so tired after work (but apparently, not tired enough for porn with a full on erection). apart from this, he hasn’t really shown any other signs of cheating, but maybe he is just really good at covering up any affair that he might be having. =( the worst part is that when i recall back, there were nights when he would sometimes “sleepwalk” in the middle of the night & he would suddenly get all passionate on top of me. when i asked him what was it about the next morning, he gave some reply like becuz he loves me even in his sleep. But now, I think he got all worked up by the late night porn watching. I dun know if this is healthy at all with the porn thing… and i have been so confused for weeks already. is he attracted to some other girl… or having an affair or something. I just can’t figure it out.

    • MSG, while most men and I mean MOST men browse porn safely and securely in the privacy of their home, a good majority do just that. Browse porn and whatnot. As a married man I can tell you that I browsed porn and maintained a healthy relationship with my wife for over 25 years. Maybe you can look at what he is looking at and try and fulfill what he is looking at as long as it’s dignified and rewarding to the both of you. Obviously he is wanting something you are not offering. Take care to pay attention to that, because if he draws in to much he will transition to real life for that fantasy. Anyhow, just offering you a mans point of view.

      • No excuse for watching porn.When you lower your gaze and look only upon your wife you will find your wife to be the most gorgeous women on the face of the planet. But when you look at other women who you have no right to look at even if those women are stupid enough to make display of their bodies then you will find your wife less attractive because you begin to compare her with the idiots who show themselves to every tom,dickson and harry. Porn is absolutely filthy.

  34. There’s a couple of twists and turns to this question, hence the need to get a bit long-winded, but please bear with me. My ex-wife and I started dating about 3 years ago after being divorced for 7 years. We live in separate homes, get along well, and have a really awesome intimate life-I wish we could have had this before the divorce. (Her sex drive actually increased after menopause, like tenfold or so.) BTW, she’s hot; we’re both in our late 50’s but don’t look it; everything works, we keep fit, lucky genes I guess.

    She works the front desk at a hotel, where a co-worker of mine LIVES (rents by the month). This co-worker is a male slut, has track record of that. So, I warned my ex about that, to be careful. However, for about a year now, my ex and 2-3 co-workers of hers have been getting together on a monthly basis (more or less), going to clubs, dinner, or the movies. During this time, she only told me of ONE outing. And, she left out the part about Mr. Male Slut going along. But let me go to May 2013…

    I had no reason to distrust her, until May, when she called me upset about her suspicions that Male Slut was sleeping with one of her co-worker friends. She sounded near tears when she called me (she admits that), saying she was not being jealous, but hurt, because she felt she was betrayed by the friend / co-worker, in not confiding in her about the “affair”. The affair had actually never happened, she was just overly suspicious. But, for several months after, I noticed she spoke of Male Slut in ways that seem to be a bit too “friendly”, to the point that it almost sounds like she’s talking about a high school crush (that’s my take anyhow, hopefully not biased by my suspicions).

    Fast forward to last December. She tells me she has been emotional lately, cries for no apparent reason. Hormones are not an issue, as she is past menopause, like I mentioned. In addition, the “crush-like” tone suddenly seems to change to a tight-lipped response when Male Slut’s name is mentioned.

    She had told me about going out with her friends one time last year, one time only. After a few beers at home one night, I asked her about this, making the assumptions that they had gone out more than once, and that Male Slut was there. She fell for it, and she said they had gone out twice, and that yes, he was there. (Several weeks later, little by little, it came out they had gone out several times, with Mr. Male Slut coming along.)

    I became more suspicious, she noticed it, and offered to let me look through her cell phone’s call log, to confirm they don’t talk on the phone other than when the group is going out (the log by then only showed a few weeks worth of calls around Dec 2012). I asked : who asked whom for a phone number first, and she said no one, that they got each other’s numbers almost “accidentally” on the first night the group went out. She got very fidgety and had a nervous laughter-blush when I asked this. After downloading her cell phone card onto my computer (she didn’t see me do this, but hey, she offered so I took her up on it), I see the group went out around 10 times last year, and she eventually confessed (not because she volunteered, but because she got caught) that Male Slut went along on six or more of those times.

    She says that she and Mr. MS have never gone out alone, always at least one of her friends comes along. She also says he has never hit on her, because she’s not his type, and that she has zero interest in him. This part, she answers in a manner that does look truthful, I can kind of tell since we’ve known each other almost 40 years. Then again, she may just be a very good liar.

    To summarize, I will give you a couple of scenarios, the first being where an affair is very probable, either emotional of physical, and the second, where hopefully nothing happened – this is where I don’t know what the hell to think, the “evidence” is conflicting:

    I. Affair
    -our relationship after the divorce was purely sexual, no emotional needs met, she may have needed the emotional attention from me, which I admit was not there
    -she lied about his company, for about a year
    -lied about how often she went out
    -she felt jealous thinking MS was having an affair w/ co-worker
    -caught her leaving work 45 min late twice. 1st time by accident
    -no explanation for 1st time being late: “I don’t remember, etc”
    -2nd time she said she stayed to eat her lunch
    -says she hates her job, but stays after quit time for 45 min (“visiting” in his room?)
    -I’ve seen them walking together after she got off work
    -she called him up two different times, at her quit time(to tell him she’s on her way to his room?)
    -one night, she calls him at quit time, then 6 more times that evening, as if getting ready to get picked up to go out. No calls from co-workers, so it wasn’t a “girls’ night out” – she “cant remember” that day
    -cell phone calls don’t show long conversations, however they can talk in person, she’s at work while he’s there 3 days (24 hrs) a week

    II. No Affair
    -she promised, on our own daughters and grandchild, that she has never had sex with Mr. MS
    -says she lied about him because she knew I would be upset
    -all calls are 2 min or less
    -FWIW, we continued being intimate throughout all this time
    -she agreed to not go out w co-workers, esp him, ever again
    -we seem to be developing more feelings towards each other since this blew up about 6 weeks ago

    I have no real hard proof, just a lot of circumstantial evidence, so this is why I need input from you out there, hopefully you have viewpoints I have not been able to see-my emotional state doesn’t help clarify the situation. My thoughts are that she had at least an emotional affair with Mr. Male Slut, with possibly some intimacy. However, I also think it’s possible this was a full-blown affair, and she is just going all out to deny it, saying whatever she has to say to convince me. I have had a hard time getting her to admit to much, just bits and pieces here and there. She has apologized, but still denies any feelings whatsoever toward him, much less any sexual relationship. She says they never danced together, held hands, nor kissed. She says she loves me. I know it’s to her advantage to say all this, because we have life-long ties (2 daughters and a grandchild), so this is to be expected. Lastly, I have to be honest: I had not planned to ever re-marry this woman, but since finding out all this stuff, the thought of losing her like this has made me stop to reconsider our relationship. I guess the fact that someone else could take her from me, makes me want to hold on to her even more. Oddly enough, sex has been even hotter now. The pictures in my mind of her with someone else fuels things up…kinda weird, no? Thanks for all your input.

    • Raul , that is some pretty intense insight. As someone who has recently been through my wife having an EA I can say that the stress and worry that comes with dealing with situations can be somewhat overwhelming. However, if your wife(ex) says she loves you and you say you cannot let her go then do what your heart says to do. I admit also it is a very huge turn on for some men to fantasize their wives being with other men. Sort of tingles me also , BUT do not cross that line if you are not prepared for the consequences.

      I would say that your wife seems to just want to have fun and cut loose, I mean if she is not coming home and never home what is the big deal? If she is at home with you and everything you do and watch is good then why look into more than what you are seeing.

      If she is denying feelings for someone else and you of all people should know if she is telling the truth, then why find something that isn’t there? I am just saying that if you guys are having a healthy sex life and you both are speaking to one another , then let her enjoy her life. Yes, woman DO need time to themselves to feel free.

      I would say that you should chill a LOT and let her do her thing. I mean I would follow due diligence and keep my radar turned her way for a while but why stress yourself out when or if there isn’t anything going on. See my point?

    • Warning: I’m going to say some things that you may not appreciate. Let’s get the major things out of the way, and in doing so, we can simplify this sad situation and possibly make a way for you to come out ‘ahead’.

      So, first, a few observations:

      1) Male Slut is not married. He acts as many, many men do in today’s society. As such, there is no more reason to single out his behavior from the majority of men anywhere.

      2) Your ex-wife is not married.

      3) You are not married.

      The reason I point all of these out is to get to the first of the root problems in your situation:

      Marriage differs from all else in one thing only. Look at it this way: you can have sex with anyone – no marriage necessary. You can be friends with anyone – no marriage necessary. You can have children with anyone – no marriage necessary. You can buy appliances or real estate with anyone – no marriage necessary. You can go on long vacations, go to concerts and so on – no marriage necessary.

      The one thing that makes marriage different it the fact that it is a commitment – a contractual agreement. When you marry someone, you make a specific contract, or commitment – with that person. Depending on the terms to which you agree, you marriage is defined. Here at Affaircare, we specifically define marriage as 100% loyalty and fidelity to one person. There may be other places that define it differently; this is what we use here.

      Because neither you, your ex-wife, nor Male Slut are married, there is no contract or commitment to any party involved. There may well be some tacit, or assumed – or implied – agreement – say, between you and your ex wife, but there is no marriage contract by which anyone’s behavior could be defined as ‘an affair’. Look at it this way: you are ‘having a relationship’ with an unmarried woman. Is this not also true of Male Slut? Perhaps he may step beyond that and wreck marriages, but that is pretty much irrelevant in the case of the parties involved here (no marriage to wreck).

      Why is this so important? Because at this point in time, you are in the position of evaluating another person as a prospective partner: someone with whom you may or may not wish to enter into marriage contract. How they act now, how you act now, will determine the wisdom of such a choice.

      The second root problem I see in your relationship is the fact that your ex-wife finds it difficult to be open and honest with you. We don’t have nearly enough information to make any qualified assessment of why this may be, but I can take a couple of guesses – for example:

      Option 1) Your ex-wife is an habitually dishonest person, one who finds that hiding from the truth makes life easier to cope.

      Option 2) You are perceived by your ex-wife as one to whom revelations and honesty are not safely received. That is, you do not make the environment safe for her to be open with you: perhaps you are harsh in judgment, or highly critical.

      There are also many other possible reasons: I only present a couple. Thats an area that you should deeply consider: it will affect ANY future relationship you have: the choice of person you want to be with, the type of person you are, etc.

      The other problem I see in this issue is how you view ‘Male Slut’. Your choice of descriptor reveals much. You don’t like the guy. The problem is that this can lead to clouding your judgment regarding your ex-wife. You may well embellish and add to the situation, building up a horrible monster in your own imagination. What if your ex-wife really doen’t find the guy all that interesting? What if she does? Is it not her choice to make – even her mistake to learn from? How free is she in this relationship? How much control do you exert over her moves, her life?

      Things to think about! Perhaps your ex-wife is not the person you want her to be, and you are trying to make her into your idea? YOu aren’tmarried – you are not committed to, nor bound by, any contract with her. Keep that in mind!

      Sincerely,
      David
      Affaircare Marriage Coach

      • Thanks David for such a complete response.
        There is something I disagree with, notwithstanding the definition of marital commitment you describe. Firs of all, there is the implied commitment oin being in a relationship, married or not. If the two partners in a non-married relationship subscribe to your school of thought, then that would mean either of them could go out, or have sex, with anyone they wish-how unrealistic is that? What about live-in boyfriend / girlfriend situations, or where a couple is engaged and not yet married or living together?
        Then, there is the fact that she hid these “outings”. The implication, when she hid them, is that she KNEW there was, or should have been, the expectation of exclusivity between her and me. She was hiding something, hence she knew she was doing wrong. Her supposed expectation that I would be upset could have played a part in hiding this of course. Nevertheless, and more importantly, she explains her actions by saying that she knew I wouldn’t like it if I knew. And that was because she KNEW we had an unspoken understanding of being exclusive to one another. I don’t think this type of relationship requires a sit-down where ALL the details are drawn out or written. My girlfriend is not to see anyone else, and her boyfriend (me) shall not do likewise.
        I don’t really blame the man involved. He turned on the charm he is so well known for, and she fell for it.
        The hiding, on her part, is the problem. I see a ton of circumstantial evidence pointing to an EA at least, including tears, jealousy, etc. The extension of the problem is that she will not ‘fess up to anything, other than going out with friends to have a “good time”.
        I wish she would realize that confessing to having a physical affair, or even only an emotional one, would be all that it takes for me to process the ordeal and then carry on.
        Not getting this confession, with all the evidence I see, is what hurts most and prevents me from moving on.

        Again, thanks for your response, looking forward to further insight.

      • Hi Raul –

        A few comments….

        “…There is something I disagree with, notwithstanding the definition of marital commitment you describe. Firs of all, there is the implied commitment oin being in a relationship, married or not. If the two partners in a non-married relationship subscribe to your school of thought, then that would mean either of them could go out, or have sex, with anyone they wish-how unrealistic is that?…”

        It is not unrealistic at all. That’s the nature of reality – how the world operates all around us. Watch how couples come together and fall apart. Even so called ‘marriages’ are victim to this ‘definition’. I am not saying that it is RIGHT to engage in such activity – I am simply pointing out that this is the rule, not the exception, to ‘modern’ (i.e. post-modern) life.

        “…What about live-in boyfriend / girlfriend situations, or where a couple is engaged and not yet married or living together?…”

        What about it? For example – if you are engaged to a person who carries on with someone else – NOW is the time to reconsider your plan to commit to a marriage. I’d even go one farther and ask that you consider any person who is willing to engage in sexual activity outside of marriage. Unrealistic? Perhaps. But we live to please God, not ourselves.

        My point is simple: a marriage occurs when both partners verbally express, in front of witnesses, a lifetime of physical and intellectual commitment to each other, at the exclusion of all other human beings. They promise or commit, to this activity. This is what distinguishes marriage from everything else: it is what defines marriage.

        Any ‘implied’ commitment is an unspoken expectation that one or both partners in a relationship may (or may not) hold. The fact that it is unspoken means that in all reality, the only person who can know if they truly are committed is the one thinking the thought. You CANNOT know – and can only ASSUME that your partner agrees to this condition – unless they specifically TELL you.

        Now quite often both partners tend to agree to this arrangement – as an assumption, but this is no guarantee that it holds true in any specific situation. You can only know the truth if it is expressed to you intentionally.

        “…Then, there is the fact that she hid these “outings”. The implication, when she hid them, is that she KNEW there was, or should have been, the expectation of exclusivity between her and me. She was hiding something, hence she knew she was doing wrong. Her supposed expectation that I would be upset could have played a part in hiding this of course. Nevertheless, and more importantly, she explains her actions by saying that she knew I wouldn’t like it if I knew…”

        I will point out again that this does NOT prove that BOTH of you were operating under an ‘expectation of exclusivity’. All that it proves is that YOU have that expectation – and it implies that your reaction to your expectation being broken may result in behavior that your ex-wife does not like. She will do what she can to avoid that behavior.

        But her actions show differently, do they not?

        “…And that was because she KNEW we had an unspoken understanding of being exclusive to one another. I don’t think this type of relationship requires a sit-down where ALL the details are drawn out or written. My girlfriend is not to see anyone else, and her boyfriend (me) shall not do likewise…”

        No one is asking you to sit down and draw out ALL the details (such an expectation is unrealistic – given that you are not omniscient) – but some details are better discussed than assumed. You are working under an assumption that you then attribute to another person. Why are you unwilling to explicitly ask that she be 100% faithful to you – to the exclusion of all other men? Is it that you would rather play games: expecting her to act in one manner – and then being free to feel all upset when she does not? What is the payoff for not engaging in a simple conversation?

        “…I don’t really blame the man involved. He turned on the charm he is so well known for, and she fell for it. The hiding, on her part, is the problem. I see a ton of circumstantial evidence pointing to an EA at least, including tears, jealousy, etc. The extension of the problem is that she will not ‘fess up to anything, other than going out with friends to have a “good time”…”

        You are not married. She has not committed to you, there is no ‘engagement,’ and you have not asked specifically for her to be faithful to you. If you do not like the manner in which she behaves – why are you pursuing a relationship with her? THIS is the time to rethink what manner of person to which you want to commit – now, BEFORE you enter into a life-long exclusivity.

        “…I wish she would realize that confessing to having a physical affair, or even only an emotional one, would be all that it takes for me to process the ordeal and then carry on.

        Why? What if there never was one? You are not married: you have not committed to any exclusivity with her (other than what you have stirred up in your own mind.) Do you want her to lie to you so that you can ‘move on’? How would you ever know if she tells the truth? If you already know ALL the facts: then why do you need her confession? If you have all the facts, and know the truth, isn’t it more important to determine if this is the kind of person with which you wish to commit….given the assumption that SHE is willing to commit in the same fashion to you?

        Yours to consider…

        David Taylor
        Affaircare Marriage Coach

        One final note: we have added a forum to our site – if you wish to discuss your issue with others – feel free to use it!

    • I’m sorry but didn’t you say after the divorce this happened? If so y r u worried if y’all already divorced?

  35. all and more than you need to deduce it. Gut instinct, phone detail records and well, why not try to follow them sometime from work. go to their work place and see if they are there. see if they really are working late. many people work in places with large parking areas and vantage points where a person could do surveillance.

  36. HI everyone, I am feeling so bad for a very long time in my marriage. My parents bought a wonderful house for us after we got married for more than 7 yrs. He had drinking problems before, he promised me after we have our own house, he will change. but now he rarely come home, weekend after weekend stay in his friend’s house or tell me he has to work. when he is not home ,especially in the night, he won’t pick up my call, he hardly calls me back or send me message, always calls me back next day or two days later. the excuse is always he got drunk, his phone is out of juice……he doesn’t want to get divorce and also doesn’t do anything to improve our relationship, I asked him so many time if he is cheating on me, he always say absolutely no, he will never do such thing to me, he just feels depressed and need time by himself alone away from home. we don’t even have child after being married for 9 years, i am so afraid to have child with him, I am so worried if I got pregnant and he will left me home alone by myself or if there is emergency he will not pick up the phone when I call. My heart is broken, I feel so sad, so sad.

    • Honey he needs to be kicked. You don’t do things like that when your married. Your parents bought the house so kick him out and move on. My husband will be kicked out soon too so I understand the situation you are in. Mine says he hasn’t cheated either even though I have caught him several times. As soon as my ducks are lined up he is out. Be more selective next time dear. I wish you the best of luck.

  37. My husband is getting mad at me for no reason or just ignores me and not interested in me and suddenly he wants s*x. He works full time mad very hard. Can some figure out if he is just tired from work or if there is someone else is his life. I’m lost!!!

  38. Thank you a lot for sharing this with all folks you actually recognize what you’re talking about! Bookmarked. Please additionally talk over with my site =). We can have a hyperlink change contract among us

  39. guy i know out in calif.
    married for 3 yrs ive never met his wife,
    he never mentions her and acts like its a stupid yuppy work thing,
    and no affection between them with no shared interests.
    why are they married if thers nothing there?
    really strange

    • I’m sorry but WHY ARE U FREAKING TRYING TO GET WITH HIM IF HES FREAKING MARRIED.?? My God. Marriage is between man and wife not anyone else so stay the heck away if he’s married..

  40. I was out of town for 12 days & did laundry when I got back. I found my wife’s most seductive black silk panties which she never wore before & hasn’t since. I folded them I put them on top of her pile & in a matter of minutes they & only they were put up. I asked her about wearing them & gave me a lame somewhat defensive excuse. What do you think of this?

  41. Gary, just because she wore her sexy panties doesn’t mean she is cheating. Did you ever think that perhaps she just had a desire to feel sexy while you were gone? I wouldn’t jump to conclusions just because she wore her fav pair of sexy panties.

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  43. What should I do he told me he needed space… that he had hatred because we caused alot of harm to each other. .. but then again I asked him for a divorce and he said no…. I told him to get out of the house and he says his not leaving. … I found him speaking to a girl… but afterwards he change his number and he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me while she was on the phone listening and then me and her spoke to each other and she told me she had nothing to do with him and that whatever she would say I wouldn’t believe it but that I just didn’t know how much he loved me and the kids. … I’m just so confused but ived never saw him cheating I just think he did but I don’t know for a fact… Please tell me what should I do

  44. Okay so last night he says he found someone to fill the office spot at his office. Really I ask who? He says one of my customers. So naturally I ask out of all your customers why is this the one? He says because she is my friend….. Really??
    I guess it’s possible. But I just find it so odd that we have been married for 27 years and he’s had a “friend” that I’ve never ever heard of before.
    Am I overreacting??

  45. My husband is on his cell phone 24/7 he has Google + and twitter accounts. He has a lot of women on there, I found a message stating he thought this person was absolutely beautiful and she is sexy. When I confronted him he stated that they talk to each other that way all the time and will block her. He told me she was married, like dulls the blow. I found out she’s single and lives with her parents. I think I know my answer on what I need to do but would like to hear opinions.

    • Came across this by accident. Amazingly peculiar comment/opinion you post. Let me just emphasise cheaters are dishonest. Dishonesty leads one to misery. And the idiot who is in love with the man or women who are cheating should know that the one who is cheating will cheat on them too. If people aren’t happy in relationships they need to discuss issues with their partners and if issues can’t be resolved then you can seek divorce. BUT TO CHEAT is disgusting and dishonest and no excuse for unhappiness or boredom. Also cheating can lead to transmission of sexual diseases. A woman or man who has hard-core evidence that their husband or wife are sleeping with another person should definitely divorce the dishonest person or for those who are too stupidly soft and say “oh I forgive him/her” at least demand a blood test and refuse to sleep with their partner if they have evidence of their partner having sexual relations with others whilst being married to them. that’s for the silly ones who say “I forgive them for cheating” at least get your partner to get a blood test so you aren’t sleeping with AIDS or HIV at night with the cheating wife or husband.

  46. Tamara, he is certainly not being honest with you, telling you that she is married is straight up mid information and he is trying to throw the scent off. Doesn’t seem he has done anything yet but is defiantly trying to mack on her.

  47. Thank you so much. So I’m not being just a jealous wife. As he put.

  48. what does it mean when a man text your husband he is his BFF?

  49. I have been married for 15 years. My wife has always claimed that our marriage broke on our wedding day. Though I have always taken this in jest, in the last two years things have deteriorated to the extent that she has stopped being affectionate. In the last five months I have persevered having a wife who will not show any affection apart from when we went on holiday in December when she agreed to make love to me. However, come January, the same story was back that the marriage is in a state of disrepair and she has no feelings. Indeed she prefers out but for the sake of our son who is a candidate, she would like things remain as they are so that the children do not get their lives disrupted. On the issue of children, I agree with her position but I have big problem continuing in a relation that is chewing into my peace. This has particularly gotten me concerned given that she has now taken to coming to work at home up to very late. When she is up to late, she is permanently on phone and texting to people that she claims she is working on their project. I have raised the issue of the phone and though she has avoided using the phone, I am sure she still able to chat through other means. In fact, I have noticed that she texts some messages even just before we go to bed which at times is as late as past mid-night. I have no evidence of her cheating but all signs of a potential situation in the making are glaringly clear.

    I have also noticed in the last two months she has been very affectionate to a married personality that I know and when I ask, the answer I get is that he is just a good friend. I can not accuse her of infidelity but this friendship is making me very uncomfortable. Can there be just friendship or am I just refusing to smell the coffee?

  50. @Ruilicks, I hate to say this but she is seeing someone and you are allowing it to happen because she has you convinced that you and her should stay together for the child. She is getting her fulfillment with someone else while you are at home alone and unhappy. Instead of letting her walk all over you in the sake of your child you need to man up and tell her you need to live a happy life and file for divorce. No one deserves to live in a loveless relationship and she is staying out late, talking to another man or woman and just buying time until she is able to move on after the child grows up.

    So basically, if I get this right, she and you are just together for the child, let me ask you this.. what will happen when the child grows up ? Then she will leave you and you will have no one and all the time you spent sitting around waiting for something to happen will be time lost from your own personal life and happiness.

    Now it’s time to grow a pair and speak up and do something and stop allowing her and enabling her to carry on with her own cheating life while you suffer. It’s clear as day that she doesn’t respect your marriage. So now show her how it feels and move on.

  51. My husband of 14 yrs cheated on me with my best friend before and after we married. When I asked my friend 4 years ago to be completely honest about all that had happened between them, that I wanted the full truth, she basically told me to have a nice life and has never contacted me again. I caught them on 3 different occasions and so I already knew but had happened and had hoped she at least could be honest with me…but NO! She could believe I was calling her a home wrecker, which I never said, and then said I don’t know where this is coming from but then went on to speak of one of the 2 of the 3 incidences I know about. Her and I were like sisters and I assured her that no matter what she said that I wouldn’t hold it against her.

    There are also 3 other women I suspect he has cheated on me with and 1 has a kid that looks a lot like my hubby and wont elaborate to anyone information on the “dad”. I finally had had enough in 2010 and communicated with him about what I knew about, he PROMISED he would never do anything to hurt me…..

    Guess what his sneaky ways are back. Like today he left at noon to go to the gym that is a 25 minute drive from our house, he doesn’t have to be to work until 3:30 but does like to get to work 30 minutes early so 3:00. His workouts last about 45 minutes and its a 5 minute drive from the gym to his work. Is it just me or does something just not add up there. oh and the days he goes after work he gets home 45-50 minutes later than he normally would had he not gone to work.

    I have put almost 18 years into this relationship and have tried over and over to get past all the nonsense but I don’t know if I can anymore. What is your opinion about my friends reaction and to his recent activities????

  52. @LeAnn,

    Your husband seems to be doing what he wants and when he wants. If you have told him how uncomfortable you feel in regard to his time and activities, you and him should speak to one another and communicate. It sounds as if there is no communication between the both of you. If you know that he has already had an affair , why do you continue to allow him to do what he wants?

    You and him should sit down and speak with one another and you should tell him how you feel and tell him that if he is or plans to be unfaithful, then you and him should part ways.

    No one deserves to be treated like a third wheel and if that is the lifestyle he chooses then you should go and find someone that will honor your wishes and vows. If you feel that he is set in his ways and you have tried everything you can to save your marriage then it is time to move on. There is NO need to live in a home with no love and affection.

    There are plenty O’ fish in the sea and there are many men who would kill to have a faithful woman like yourself. 18 years is a long time but if you choose to do nothing about it, then you have to ask yourself if you want to live another 18 years with someone who is unfaithful.

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  54. My girlfriend has shown a number of these points should I be worried?

  55. Wake up woman, don’t get stuck in your “marriage”

    Ask yourself: why is my husband cheating on me?

    and move on
    with a better self for a better man

    • More like ask myself why I married him… I caught him before we got married why the hell was I so blind… Ugh. Never ever getting married again… And trust me as soon as I find a job and get my pooh together his ass is out of my house. Last straw was today found dried ejaculate in his underwear…. DONE.

  56. My husband has porn sites that keep showing up all the time in his cell phone browsing history and they are most of the time different from the last ones I find. He claims he hasn’t gone to those sites and have No idea how they keep showing up. He admitted once before that he went on one site and said he don’t know where the reat came from but now he constantly keeps denying ever being on those site. Is it even possible to have things like that pop up randomly in your browsing history on a cell phone? I went to the sites and then closed out of them and erased them out of my history (my husband knows I done this because I did it in front of him) as he does, to see if they pop up randomly on my phone browsing history and it hasn’t happened once yet! Who believes he’s lying like I do? Please give advice!

  57. Please add these to your next edition.
    1. The cheater gets off from work early but doesn’t say anything to their spouse for hours about being off early.
    2. They keep their cell phone within arm’s reach when the innocent spouse is around. However when the innocent spouse calls them on their cell phone, the cheater has all kinds of “reasons” for why they didn’t answer, or couldn’t get to their cell phone.
    3. You call the cheater and they fail to answer their cell phone. Moments later they call you back saying……………”Did you just try to call me?” What a stupid question! Of course you just tried to call them, that’s why they see your number! One thing that I have learned is this. When You call your spouse and they fail to answer the phone, only to call you back in a few moments, that means that they are either with someone or at a place that you WOULD NOT approve of. They wait until they are in a “safe place” before calling you back.
    4. You call your spouse and she claims to be at the mall with a female friend, but the background sounds more like a quiet room.
    5. You call your spouse and she claims to be at the library studying or doing research, but the background sounds like a restaurant or mall. Most times it’s not you spouse themselves that that exposes them on the phone, it’s what’s taking place in the background.
    6. BIG ONE! The cheater seems angry or irritated at unexpected changes in the schedule of the innocent spouse. Cheaters have three schedules to work with. Theirs, their lover’s, and their spouse’s. They learn and know your routine better than YOU! They know when they can see the other person and for how long. When you throw a monkey wrench into their plans by taking an unexpected day off, or leaving work early, that’s time that they cannot use to see the other person so they get vividly angry and upset. You will begin to notice your spouse’s unusual interest in your schedule especially if you work a flex or rotating schedule. They want to plan out their rendezvous as efficiently as possible. Here’s what I’ve painfully learned from experience. Adultery is emotional. When it comes to your schedule, the cheater knows that they cannot see the other person on your off days from work because it’s too risky. The day before your off days, and the day after your off days are crucial to catching them. They are emotionally stirred because they will not se the other person for two days, or haven’t seen them in two days. They can’t wait for you to leave the house! If you have a rotating schedule, their red flag behavior patterns “magically” adjust and shift around your schedule. The behavior doesn’t stop, it just adjusts to your schedule. If you are off on weekends wait until Thursday and tell your spouse you think you’ll use a vacation day on Friday to just spend a extended weekend with her. If she’s happy and excited to the point of tears because it’s just what she’s been wanting then all is fine. If she is reluctant, upset or acts like she had plans……..SHE DID! Do the same for Monday on occasion. Come home on Friday and tell your spouse you’re taking Monday off. Let’s gas up the vehicle and get away for the weekend. I guarantee within moments she will have to “work on the computer”, make some calls, or “go to the store”. She has t give the other person the head’s up that plans have changed. NEVER tell your spouse too early that you plan to come home or take a day off. It may not sound honest but if you tell them too early you may NEVER find the truth. By telling them early, you’re giving them the time they need to change their plans with the other person and mask their emotions. When you come home early unannounced or tell them about taking time off as late as passible, they cannot hide or mask their true emotions. You will see them!
    7. When you and your spouse go out together occasionally ask her to drive because you’re “tired”. Try to go in her car but don’t be pushy about it. Pay close attention to the passenger seat. If you’re the height of Danny DeVito but it seems like Shaq has been in the passenger seat then something is wrong. Watch everything she moves around once inside the car. Does she remove something from the visor or console and place it somewhere else? Is there a garage door opener in her car and you don’t have a garage? If you just look through her car without her knowing you may miss items, but if you’re in the car together it will eat away at her until she is compelled to move something that may expose her.
    8. You know your spouse doesn’t have a large appetite but as she prepares her lunches for work, it’s seems like she is going to feed a brigade. The other person may be a co-worker. Or you notice that she doesn’t pack a lunch when she usually does. That means she plans to eat out for lunch. There is nothing wrong with that, we all do that. But when the behavior is secretive and lacks transparency…something is wrong.
    9. Your spouse comes home and has to do the laundry of everything they wore that day. Even though there is no accumulation of dirty laundry on hand, they will still wash those items. They shouldn’t be dirty or sweaty because they work in an office or attend school. And of course……as soon as the laundry begins, they head straight to the shower. Begin to watch your spouse in the mornings and when you return home later that day. Watch what they are wearing when you leave compared to what they’re wearing later. Did they change clothes “for no reason”. Did they change their hair? Some spouses are crafty enough to store (at the other person’s place) changes of clothes, personal items, toothbrushes and everything else they need to “freshen up”, before they get home. They have every base covered and won’t miss a beat. That’s why a warm embrace and kiss are so important when you see them after a long day. Are they reluctant? If they do kiss and embrace do they smell like they just recently showered and brushed their teeth? They will go overboard to make sure that they are clean, clean, clean and you don’t detect anything.
    10. Sex decreases or stops all together. They won’t let you hold them very long. They roll over as far as possible and sleep on their side of the bed. They get up and spend part of the night on the couch. They once slept partially or fully nude, but now they are clothed from head to toe. The sex is different. You can tell that they’re doing it to keep you from suspecting something. And it isn’t the way it was before all the cheating red flags.
    11. The most painful thing is the fact that your spouse undermines, underestimates and thinks you’re STUPID! They would bet an entire pot of poker chips that you’ll never find out. They believe they are too smart for you to catch them. She eats off your table, sleeps in your bed, drives a car that you provided, enjoys a nice home, and…………..she gets to have “him” too. Don’t you ever believe that she will one day have a change of heart and come to you to “confess”. She knows that the day she comes clean, her gravy train is over. She knows how you feel about adultery. Why would she risk everything by telling you? The moment she knows…that you know….she will make her move and get lawyered up to take as much as she can with her. If you know…..say nothing! Let her think she’s a scholar. Let her believe you’re dumb, naïve and stupid. Plan your exit strategy and execute it. NEVER consider violence. It’s not worth it. There is someone else who will love you and allow you to love them. Cheaters are as systematic as bank robbers. They plan their rendezvous and cover all bases. It’s not that it’s hard to prove that someone is cheating. The problem is that they’ve hidden it so well, only circumstantial red flags are present. Whenever someone tells you to “prove it”, that’s a clear sign that they are not only guilty, but have taken all measures to hide it! If your spouse is cheating, she knows at some point she has to make a choice. “Him” or you. If she chooses you, the chiasm will be there until she comes clean. If she comes clean, she risks you leaving. If she chooses “him”, she will plan when and how she will tell you and leave you. She will want money, support and possibly the house. She will make sure that everything is in order before she makes a move. Out of nowhere she will desire to “establish some credit”. She will open credit card and independent bank accounts. She may increase her work hours to save and store money. She may decrease her work to get more money from you in the divorce. She may suddenly want to sale items or assets. Whatever she does, she will not just get up one morning out of the blue and tell you that she wants a divorce. She had that day in planning for at least six months to a year!

    Why don’t cheaters just LEAVE? Because they want their cake and ice cream in their selfish mouth at the same time. Why can’t a man be a man, or a woman be a woman and just say…..”I don’t want to be here anymore”, and just leave? Must they lie, cheat, steal and betray the innocent spouse in such a cruel way, and then afterward rape them financially during the divorce? It’s sad! I’m so glad that I found this website. It gave me the opportunity to release my frustration and pain. Hopefully some of the personal things that I have shared will help others who have experienced the ultimate betrayal.

    • I’m sorry you had to go through all that hurt. Your right it’s not fair and it hurts. This is my first time on this site and realized my husband is doing everything it mebtions in the beginning. It’s been a roller coaster ride for me and it’s time I found out the truth. God bless, I hope you find a wonder woman that loves you as you do her.

  58. I just confronted my bf of 14 yrs after discovering his cheating on facebook.He was dumb enough to give me his password.I honestly don feel out of control and consumed with rage mainly I feel calm but get small pangs of anger when I think about it.Maybe I feel numb because our relationship has been unhappy for last 6 months or so and I have tried to emotionally detach myself because of our arguing in this time.Maybe its because I lost respect for him when he told me only a week ago that our failed ivf was my fault and what use was I to him if I couldn’t ‘produce’?I only found out he was cheating last night.At the moment he is holed up in his room (we have seperate rooms) and trying to pretend he is asleep but I know he will be frantically trying to think up a story to get himself out of it.He is also a narcissist so my bet is tomorrow he will try and blame me somehow for his cheating or just flat out deny in even though I have hard evidence or he may just say he dosen’t care that I know.It’s funny through all our ups and downs I honestly thought that he would still never go so far as to cheat on me.What a foolish lady.How can I ever trust him again?Maybe I’m still in denial and maybe it will start to hurt more in the coming days.Just another sad statistic is what our relationship has become.Being a loyal dog for 14 yrs got me cheated on!

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  60. My wife found a past friend on facebook. They started talking and texting each other. She always deleted the txt messages and cleared the phone logs. When I asked her about it she said they are just friends and havn’t even met in person since they became facebook friends. Later on she told me she was going to his work place to get some gift certificates for a gift basket. She still says that is the only time they have met. I finally told her it was too suspicious and I don’t want her talking to him anymore. She said fine. Then I would ask her if she had contacted him since I asked her not to. She said “no”. Then after like 5 months she left her e-mail open on the computer and I looked at the send list, and there was an e-mail saying “I moved to another location. I had to change e-mails, this girl I’m with is crazy jealous. ” Then my wife responded back saying “What, I thought she was the girl who didn’t mind if you had some strange on the side”
    When I asked her about it, she said he had told her that his girlfriend didn’t care if he was with other girls, but she had never been with him. She said she was just making a comment. She said they still had only met that one time. She then said that was the last time she had heard from him, and he never responded to the e-mail. She said she won’t talk to him anymore if it is that big of a deal to me. But she had said that before. Also everytime we hear about people cheating on their spouse and getting someone pregnant she says, she is not going to judge them, people make mistakes. I just want to know for sure, but everytime I ask her she denies it. I can’t find any proof. Also I think they realy did stop speaking to each other. I don’t want a divorce, I just want to know. It drives me crazy, and I choose to drink alot so I don’t think about it, but I end of thinking about it all the time. I get depressed about it, and my wife says she is sorry I feel that way, but she never cheated on me. Any advise would be great. Thanks

    • Chad, this is what cheaters do. They try to make their “friendship” seemingly insignificant. Then they try and make you out like your overly suspicious and controlling leaving you feel guilty.

      Facebook is known now to ruin many relationships and marriages. Ask any divorce lawyer and he/she will tell you that many cases are a result of Facebook.

      I could be wrong but it seems as you drove her underground or deeper down because she knows now your radar is on and you are focusing in on her moves. If the “friendship” is secret , then it’s cheating hands down. If she is willing to come fwd and be honest and up front then you have nothing to worry about.

      Lies destroy the fundamental foundation of a true relationship.

      You could monitor what she does electronically or you could have a PI follow her, schedule a trip out of town and have your PI on the job and see what happens. I would advise though that following your spouse or significant other can lead to disastrous consequences. You can put a VAR ( Variable Audio Recorder ) in places that she is known to frequent and then listen for things out fo the ordinary. However, if you begin to hear her with someone else. Do not listen to it have a friend or someone you trust listen to it and tell you what is on it. Listening to something like that will eat you alive.

      • Thanks for the advice, however I do not believe anything is going on anymore (if it ever was). The guy she was talking and texting to has moved out of town and is no longer replying to her e-mails. She has agreed to take a lie detector test, should I peruse that or does her agreeing to submit to one mean it may have all been just a friendship. Maybe she was hiding it because she knew I didn’t approve.

    • Stop lying to yourself and making it so easy for her. I’ll wager $100 the second you ask her to actually take the lie detection test that a lot will change. She offered to do it as an empty gesture to get you off her back. It shows how little she actually thinks of you. Please call her on her BS and see exactly what she’s all about.
      Please treat yourself better than she treated you and ask her to take the test. You will learn a lot by doing so and can start building a real life for yourself that isn’t based on lies and manipulation.
      Good luck.

  61. No worries, hope that is what is really going on. Good luck to you.

  62. The signs are true. I remembered how my wife acted suspiciously around me. Let alone, the sudden ‘guilty face’ that she always puts up, just simply gave way! After reading this article, I realized most of it had happened during that period, only that I wasn’t sharp enough to be fully aware of it!

  63. Very good list. Wish I had come upon it beforehand but trusted her 100% for 15 years so it’s not exactly something I was looking for.

    She slept with a younger man. I found out by dumb luck and she denied it to my face repeatedly. I’m pretty sure she saw him as a chance to “upgrade” but was too dumb to check if he was married himself. Oops. The fact that he was a prettyboy douchebag loser with no real future financial or otherwise made it so much worse, if that’s even possible.

    She planned to leave abruptly, blaming me for many things and basically labeling me as unworthy of her. Told her family and friends we were splitting because of all of my shortcomings, which she never communicated to me by the way, taking no responsibility for anything herself. She was still talking with the other man, planning on what they would do once she was finally free to do so. All the while maintaining that she loved me and implying if worked hard enough there was a chance I could earn her back.

    I was willing to forgive and keep trying if only she would admit it, proving she was remorseful. She continued to profess her love for me but also continued lying to me with a straight face and also continued talking to the other man.

    The day she finds out he’s married and that I’m getting a promotion at work, everything changes. She reluctantly admits to it and asks for a chance to regain my trust. Tells me she didn’t know why she screwed the other guy and that it was a huge mistake and wants us to be together.

    I have agreed but am starting to have problems ignoring the part of me that keeps saying “why bother with her” and “what are her actual intentions and motivations”. She was very quick to tell me it wasn’t about the money. That makes me worry more.

    I do want to give her a chance. I’m quite sure this was the only one time it happened. But having trouble dealing with her having still talked to him when she said she didn’t.

    I worry if she is a well hidden narcissistic sociopath, just really really naive or really really dumb. And if it even matters which of those it is. It is possible she just got caught up in her own web of lies she weaved to save face infront if her family and friends, which is not as horrible.

    Can a couple actually get past something like this? Anyone out there even know of someone who has managed to rebuild a real relationship after not just the cheating but ongoing lies to the face?

    I feel like I’m the backup plan. Financially, mentally and emotionally stable. Someone she can cling to and get the good life given to her on a platter. But my head could be making that up.

    Should I bother? Should I make her my backup plan and accept one of the many standing invitations I have denied until this point? Is it possible to trust someone like thisagain

    • Don’t be dumb. She’s obviously a loser goldigger with a very serious game plan. I can almost guarantee she has done this before. Many times. I would not be surprised if her parents are in on the game plan. I have found that this type of behavior runs in the family. If her mother is a lawyer or in finance RUN AWAY RIGHT NOW! Stop reading and start packing! They will clean you out. I lost 2 kids and by the time all is done almost a million dollars. You are correct. She is a sociopathic narcissist, and it’s genetic so watch yourself and be very careful or you could end up in jail or worse if they make up good enough lies.

      Please do yourself a favor and don’t bother wasting your time with her. You will only regret more. There are millions of much more worthy, honest and loyal women out there. How about giving one of them a chance?

      What have you got to lose? Just a worthless, cheating, freeloading pile of crap.
      Not a bad thing to lose at all.
      I feel for you but trust me, even living alone the rest of your life is better than letting someone like this suck your life away.
      Good luck. It gets better. Much better.
      Trust me.

  64. Pingback: How to Know if Your Spouse is Having an Affair - Marriage Missions International : Marriage Missions International

  65. My domestic partner recently had a “friend” move into town. He told me a couple of months ago that she was someone he worked for out of college and that he was moving here. She reconnected with him on LinkdIn, supposedly. I’d never heard of her until he announced that she was moving here. He also let me know that she was a former stripper.
    Since she’s been here, he’s been working insane hours, 14/15hr days. He says that it’s because he works for a start up business and he is doing the financial models, forecasts, and annual budget for the company.
    I checked his phone the other night and saw a lot of calls that were exchanged between them at all hours. I asked him, point blank, what was going on. He said that he saw an opportunity to help her out, temporarily, until she found a job. So, he got his company to hire her for a month to do tasks around the office.
    He says he was afraid to tell me because I had reacted irrationally to him going to dinner with her the night she got into town.
    He’s been shopping for new clothes, a lot, these last two weeks. He says it’s due to having lost weight. He has lost 20lbs.
    He tells me there is nothing going on and that she is 10yrs older. He said although men are attracted to her, he is not. He says he sees her as a big sister.
    I am not sure what to think. He takes hours to answer my texts and he rarely answers or returns my phone calls.
    We have been fighting a lot over this situation. I have popped up at his office in the evenings on a couple of occasions to “take him dinner”. He is there alone.
    I don’t know what to think :(.

  66. I have a gut feeling my wife had an affair in the past. I was taking care of two young girls at the time it happened and was affraid to look into it like I should. She hadn’t been having sex with me much for awhile and one night when I tried to seduce her, she said no and then said she hated herself, then wouldn’t explain why. After that I realized that maybe her several hour shopping trips were more than that. There were also other signs, but nothing that told me she was definitely having an affair. Is there any way to determine if your wife was having an affair in the past. I’ve talked to her about all the things she had done and the reasons I feel like she had an affair, but she still denies having one. Occasionally when we talk about it, she explains her shopping trips as, “I was really upset at you at the time and just needed time away” or “I needed to get away from you and the kids, it was a lot for me to deal with at the time”.

    It’s killing me that I didn’t track her car or investigate in other ways. Now it’s to late to do any of those things.

  67. Jon, the first thing I would do is communicate with your wife and see if there is any chance of you and her having an open and honest conversation. Tell her how you feel and let her know that you have these mixed feelings about her activity. Then, if you and her cannot come to any conclusion , I would then move to another phase and monitor her either in the car or at the house.

    If she has a mobile smart phone you can install something like mspy or flexispy and track her locations and also listen in and record her in her natural surroundings. Though I would choose to do the tracking james bond stuff after all else fails. Always and I mean always try to engage your significant other and see what is going with them mentally and then you can begin to make informed decisions about how you wish to proceed.

    Another thing is to ask your self, is it really worth it to go fishing for a confession from her/him or is it easier to work on where you are now instead of trying to backtrack and illicit a confession. Also, some woman will out of desire to attract attention to themselves through such a disastrous issue will admit to an affair even if they never had one just to get you to pay attention to them . Men do the same thing.

    Again, if you suspect her cheating then follow due diligence and talk to her and then if that doesn’t work, then do your tracking and surveillance .

  68. My husband have been doing things too wierd to me just after our wedding . Could it be that he is cheating on me? His behavour, his coming home, his call making,his late out going and many things about him has change and am afraid something bad is going on behind my back.

  69. My wife has been acting weird for about a week. She is moody and absentminded. She refused to tell me anything. Yesterday she shows up at my friend’s house while I was there to talk to me. She tells me that a customer showed his penis to her a week before and it’s been bothering her because he was relations to a family friend. She didn’t tell anyone supposedly. On coincidence she quit her schooling on that same day. What she tells me is just not adding up. She hasn’t changed in her scheduling or appearance, yet she is more moody. She acts like she was raped or something because she won’t really allow me to touch her or show any type of affection. She keeps assuring me that she loves me, but for some reason, I think she is doing that to keep me at bay. She doesn’t want to press charges on this man and she won’t allow me to do my thing. (no details on that note, but you get the picture) It’s almost like she’s protecting him. He’s 20 years older than her and married himself. She won’t tell me his name, other than who he is related to. Any suggestions? I’m baffled.

    • She’s cheating. I went through that bout 12 years ago, my girl wouldn’t allow me to touch her or show affection. Women love attention that anybody. Dont play yourself, she is cheating.

    • I don’t think she is cheating. If she is not hitting a lot of those wickets on this page then I firmly believe she maybe experiencing deeper issues. Remember woman are so much different from men. Men are problem solvers, and woman just want to talk about problems but nine times out of ten dont want them solved they just want you to listen and support their emptional needs. I know sounds crazy majority of men can’t fathom a person wanting to talk about a problem and not want it fixed. I truely think your wife is in desperate need of your support and her attending therapy because she sounds clincally depressed. For some reason she maybe scared to tell you her true feelings out of fear of rejection and getting worse. So look at what she is exhibiting to you: moody, absent minded, she was traumatized by someone she knew and maybe trusted then vilolated when he shown his genitals to her. Woman also have a major decrease in libido when they become depressed and hate them selves for things that were not their fault at all. Sounds rediculous I know but this is a different mind than a mans that is driven by a larger amount of hormones we are not typically producing. So unless she sees a professional their is nothing you can do to fix this emotional and hormonal imbalance she is having. I have been cheated on in the worse way and my ex had all the signs. Your wife is just showing signs she needs help, love, and your support. Try it might work.

  70. Thats a lie I’ve had millions of chances and never did nothing.and im fine as hell and have been offered alot i mean alot of money and other items in return..

    • Perhaps it’s your personality, I mean seriously I have never seen or heard a woman speak of herself and say that she is “fine as hell” though never the less no one should cheat period so you did the right thing.

  71. Just a few thoughts tonight as I’m dealing with the most difficult time of my life. When it comes to adultery……90% of the time when it’s the wife having the affair, she leaves anyway. After all the lying, denying, sneaking and hiding…..in the end, once she’s exposed, she bolts for the door never looking back. Why is it that cheaters must be so cruel and heartless? Why is it that when adultery happens, the cheater suddenly is seen as the “victim” and the innocent spouse is seen as the “villain”? Their “failure” (adultery) is the result of what the innocent spouse was or wasn’t doing for them, so that contributed to their “fall”. Why is that if/when the innocent spouse decides to give the cheater another chance, it’s the innocent spouse who has to “learn to trust again”?

    It’s sad. I suspect that my of 15 years is having an affair. I also suspect that she’s aware that I know something. After sharing my concerns about her behavioral patterns (without outright accusing her), the anomalies simmer down for a while and then increase again. My wife knows how I feel about adultery. She knows that it’s a deal breaker with me, and I expect the same of her if I were unfaithful. She has nothing to gain and everything to lose by coming clean. If I could leave tonight, I would, but there much planning that needs to take place. The most telling thing I’ve noticed about my wife’s behavior is this. Although our expenses require both of our incomes at this time, as I began talking to my wife about my concerns regarding her behavior………she went in to her employer and worked out a schedule adjustment, cutting her back to part-time hours. That baffles me because we can’t afford this. Her excuse is that she’s working too much. My concern is that she is either trying to create more time for the OP while I’m working (If I’m off and at home she will work a full day. If I’m at work she’ll work a partial day), or..knowing I suspect something, she’s trying to intentionally decrease her income in preparation for divorce and alimony.

    Either way, I lose! If it turns out that my wife is unfaithful, I will divorce her and move on. Any advice?

  72. My marriage of 16 years with three boys aged 15,9 and 2. I t was a happy marriage with my husband treating me like a queen always. But my company had to transfer me to another town 100 km away which meant to reside there. however I make it a point all the time to come every Fridays and leave on Mondays all because I love my family let alone my husband. Unfortunately I noticed that when I come home my husband always come late in the night around 11 and 12 midnight. When I am not around 1 or 2 a.m or even 4 o’clock a.m. I confronted him about this but could always he was out with some friends. Mind you he does not drink. One time I followed him to find out where and who is this lady because I knew a woman was involved guess what I found them our car packed at a certain house and I went and knocked and they opened for me. The rest is history but after that I told my husband why is he doing this and I even proposed that I am going out of the house and he refused and said he was to change. But my situation is worse now he wont eat my food he seem confused and every night he goes to the woman and come back after three to four hours, and he continues to say he loves me. I love this man honestly but this heartless behavior is killing me. Nowadays he hardly calls, sometimes if I call he wont answer and later says he had left the phone in the car. A lot is happening and I don’t know what to do. Please help.

  73. My husband lives away from home for part of the week and I found a receipt for tomatoes which he hates and hot chocolate which I have never seen him drink the whole time I’ve known him what is going on ?

  74. Might be time for a surprise late visit! Trust me; NOBODY can be trusted anymore!!!

  75. My husband is a very loving husband we usually attend church 2gther he just bought a house for my siblings and he always travel due 2 his work when his around he spend so much time with me we don’t have any kids @ the moment we have been married for 3years now but I always found condoms in his car and coats but he denys all that is he cheating on me?

  76. My husband of 30 years spends all of his time down in the basement. You cant walk down there. There are field mice, dust and clutter for 23 years. I can’t go down their because I have allergies. He’s secretive and always checking emails for his business. He has a iPhone that he can check his email. He is so secretive and leaves me with no money and stasthes all the cash in the basement. I have no clue who my husband is. For a long time I was always sick and vomiting. My friend mentioned that I may be poisoned. I have no family to run to or money to get a divorce. I don’t work cause I was in a car accident. I don’t trust him. He made my meals cause I couldnt stand. But I rather not eat than have him prep the meals.

  77. @Bri, Please don’t take this the wrong way but if what you say is true, then you have a lot of big problems. You should contact someone who can help you in your area.

  78. I’ve been married for 6 years now, and my husband isn’t the most affectionate man in the world – but the last year or so he has been even less affectionate, even to the point he physically pushes me away from him when I try to be “luvey dovey” with him. I’m not a super “touchy feely” female…so it’s not like I’m constantly hanging all over my husband being annoying or anything. I take good care of myself and am told by everyone that I should have been a model – not to sound vein or anything, but just clarifying that he’s not pushing me away because I smell or am unattractive to him…and his excuses as to why he doesn’t want to make love are things like, you haven’t put your laundry away, the dishes in the sink are bothering me, the bills still need paid – you know how much those things bother me…well they never bothered him before. Plus I work full time and take night classes, so it isn’t like I’m home to do “wifely” chores! The laundry and all of that gets done at the end of the week after I’m caught up with work and school…
    I did come right out and ask him if something was going on – he just keeps saying that the clutter stresses him out that’s all it is…but even when the house is perfectly clean it’s the same with him…after it being like this for so long I just quit trying to be sexy for him or affectionate toward him, and he doesn’t seem to care at all…
    I looked through his messages this morning and saw a conversation from May with one of his ex girlfriends – You see he was recently promoted and travels to the area this woman lives once a month – she was overly excited to hear that he was in her hometown, the conversation was basically this, Husband: I was thinking about getting a hold of you on my through, but this is my first time down here so… Other Woman: I can’t believe your there, I had to read it twice! Then he basically asked for clarification on where she lives. He never told me any of this, and he tells me everything…when he came home from the trip (about 6 hours away, he was gone for 3 days this time, I didn’t get a hug, a kiss, or really even an I missed you…he pretty much avoided my advances for affection…
    I’m just at a loss as to what to do. I tried talking to him about how much his lack of affection bothers me and how it makes me feel, and he seems receptive, but nothing changes – in fact it just keeps getting worse. And using the laundry as an excuse is a pretty sad excuse to me…

  79. Here’s my situation:

    Wife and I have been married 15 years. Within the first year I caught her having an affair, and forgave and moved on. About 3 years ago my cellphone broke and I had to use a temp one. I got off work early one day and went to pick up our younger son from preschool to save her the trip. On the way home I passed her but didn’t think she saw me. I called her personal cell phone with no answer. Couldn’t remember her work cell number so when I got home and saw her personal cell phone on the table I figured maybe it was stored in there somewhere. While looking for it I came across a large number of texts between her and a friend of one of our neighbors (I had no clue they were talking). I had read 2 of the texts (which were innocent enough) when she walked in and saw me holding her phone. Her face was QUITE tell-tale. I put the phone down and didn’t mention anything. Later that night I asked to use her phone the next day, she said alright then went into the bathroom. I was going to check her phone then, but she took it in there with her. Later that night I found the phone, looked and she had deleted all the texts to/from this man (only those ones…). I asked her about talking to him and she said it was just to make sure he was safe getting home from bars because he’d drink alot… Sounded like BS to me. Then I asked why she deleted all his texts. She said to make room on her phone (all the other texts from random people were still there…) So the next morning I took the phone, got to work at about 5:30 am when he texted her saying “Good Morning :)”. I didn’t respond to him, although I wanted to. I got in my office, emailed her and told her he texted and was accusing to her. Then, she emailed him (not sure how she had that address) and CC’d me on it telling him there was a big misunderstanding and could he help put my mind at ease. He never replied, and never came to our neighbor’s house again for well over a year (he typically would be there almost every weekend before that). I’ve confronted her several times and she’s denied anything being there or happening. I’ve stuck my head in the sand for almost 3 years now with this and can’t ignore it anymore. We have 2 great kids together and I’m scared about how divorce could hurt them, but I just don’t think I can believe her story. Any thoughts? Am I way off base here?

    • Actually you are spot on , the problem you put yourself in was you confronted to early without gathering evidence of her affair with this guy. Yes .. dude.. your woman was doing something with this guy, I mean come on, another man is texting her good morning?! the signs were their in front of you.

      If I were you, I would install monitoring software on her phone and probably a few VAR’s in her car and see what you come up with. You may or may not find something but for sure the signs were/are there and now it’s up to you to uncover the deception. I mean seriously dude, if she cheated on you once. Wouldn’t you think shes doing it again? I know I would. Tighten up your game and dont let anyone walk all over you but also keep your cool and never ever loose your freedom because you are angry or hurt. Stay cool and focused. Best of luck mate.

  80. It is one of the most devestating things to see 21 years of a relationship start to dissipate -watching someone youve grown with and built a life with fade away-and the destruction of the home and plans for the future. Equally I hold people responsible who participate in it when they know the person is married, or committed to a realtionship. People make mistakes but intentionally tearing down your family for an affair is senseless and cruel. All I can say is KARMA. For the ones left behind, get clear of the loser and dont take them back.

  81. Pingback: ALL of the Signs Your Spouse May be Cheating | The Konkrete Krumbles

  82. Ive had 4 different dreams in the past 3 months the my wife has already cheated on me. I dont think this is random at all, What should I do?

  83. Im dealing with the same problem except it’s my hhusband. He is so caught up on Facebook and is constantly Inboxing females then deletes them. He claims he isn’t doing anything wrong but his whole attitude towards me has change not intimate really doesn’t want to kiss me anymore before heading to work and that is something we’ve done for the past 10 years.. we have 2 kids together and this is really depressing me. I dont know what to do.

  84. Janie, I had the same thing happen to me with my wife and it ended with me finding out she was seeing an old BF from her teenage years! You have a few options and they are none easy. You can install monitoring software on his devices, or confront or show him how it feels. Of course , two wrongs don’t make a right IMO. So, you have some decision making to do. Do some diligence and follow your gut instinct, if you search for the causes for most divorces this day and age you will see Facebook as the number one freakin cause.

  85. This is an old thread so I hope to get a reply. Husband and I have been happily married for 8 years. We have had all the usual ups and downs but I never thought of him being unfaithful in any way. I haven’t been. We moved and he started a new job in April this year. Things went well. Company had a lot of old issues so he worked/works overtime. He is salaried so there is no documentation on checks. Anyway, earlier this month, I was on his FB. I play games on FB and use his to send things I need etc. I noticed in the search, a woman I did not recognize. Her profile was public and she works with him. She is probably 20, half his age and has long hair, had lots of “selfies”. He had looked there at least 3 times that I could find. I asked him about it. He lied at first and said he thought I would tease him about it. Ha! Then he admitted that he liked her hair and that was the reason for looking. Hers is long, mine is short. He said was ashamed and embarassed. My life has been hell for 3 weeks with wonders and suspicions but he swears he never did anything more and never planned to. He has seemed distracted and zoned out. I contributed it to tiredness. I was cheated on in a prior marriage. This is his first marriage. I sometimes feel I making too much of it then I sometimes think I am missing something. I have all his passwords and he never changes them or is obviously secretive. He does look at his company cell phone constantly but I always come over and ask what is it so I’m pretty sure it’s work related. Not 100% sure like I used to be. He has not been back on FB at all. Just feeling lost and looking for some guidance.

    • Well, if he uses (or used) facebook regularly, and there are no suspicious messages (or browser history elements), I don’t think that you need to be worried that much just because of this thing.

    • Christy, he is probably not happy and feels you not making an effort.

      If you dont want to lose him ask him what he likes, get open, ask him deep questions, give deep information. He is probably unsure of what he wants as he doesnt trust you, is struggling with attraction, is bored, etc. Reminisce about tough times and good times you had together so it jogs his memory.

      Spice and depth should keep a relationship together. If the link is not there men look elsewhere. They want to feel they won the prize, or he will look for another prize.

      Good luck

  86. To all who read one thing about a women they snakes in the grass. best thing for u to do is trust your heart i got cheating on my wife was tell me she was going to the tanning bed .so one day i went up there an she wat there so i call her cell an she didnt answer. so dats how i cought my wife go with ur heart

    • I don’t think all women are sneaky and unfaithful, sorry to hear about your experience though what I learned is from that old ray parker song, remember that one? Have a listen, the name of the song is called “a woman needs love” listen to it and then think if you covered all of your bases. I know from my own experience that I forgot the meaning of that song. Listen to it.

  87. A couple years ago my wife and I separated but reconciled a few months later. I had seen someone during the separation. She is aware of this. After moving back everything was great… Till about a year ago. It seems she never wants me around. Is up till 1 or 2 in the morning. Answers texts and calls from everyone except me. Has Refused to have sex with me over the past 11 months. Acts as though she can’t be bothered or inconvenienced to slip off to the bedroom. Her friends make me feel very uncomfortable… Talk past me or don’t even acknowledge I’m there… I have tried to right the wrongs of the past. I have made lifestyle changes. I have done all I can to show my love… Just to be rejected daily. Any advice would be great.

    • I thought at first you were talking about me. I have to say I don’t think she is cheating but you never know. My hubby has cheated repeatedly but I love him so haven’t kicked him to the curb yet. I do find it hard to be affectionate towards him because I feel like its all a lie. I honestly can’t say what she is thinking but say just be patient and focus more on your love connection and not so much on the sex part. From my situation I know I feel as though sex is the only thing he ever cares about. Okay well not sure if that helps any but that’s my 2 cents.

      • Your husband definitely has some issues and he needs to get help to fix them but if you do love him and he is trying than him wanting to make love to you is not a lie and men need affection with holding sex is only going to potentially make him look else where. Look up the definition of love it will help make more sense.

      • So I got 37 legitimate checks in the box and she says im crazy, maybe I am for putting up with it for 2 years. I’m so ready for a divorce.

    • Tom, that is seriously uncool and you should try and set aside a couple of days and see if a little romance and openness can solve some of those problems, You should in the course of discussions address the things that make you uncomfortable and see if you and her can solve those issues. If she is hiding something or whatever try and get to the root cause. Yes, you can track her and all those james bond things but you just may get your feelings hurt if you un cover something undesirable. Ask her to spend some time with you and tell her what is making you upset. You and her must be on the same page all of the time or your relationship will fail.

      If you have not had sex in 11 months , jeesh! then you should be addressing the issue like right away, unless you are abusive or there are medical issues preventing her from having relations with you you need to find out right away why no sex. Remember to not loose your cool and be a gentleman about the whole issue. If it is something other than an affair then you will feel like a donkey.

      Get to the root of the problem mate and then you can determine if the relationship is in trouble.

      Let us know how it went for you,

    • Sorry Brother but She’s probably having an affair back that’s what they do when the opportunity arises that’s why it was OK at first. Then the payback affair starts. Does she end up working lots more. Have more days out without you. Come home later than she used to. Go out at night. Go to work at night or random other times. Is it getting worse. Don’t feel guilty about it you apologised. Follow her and find out. Sorry brother The signs are all there. The same thing happened to me and she was sleeping with her boss at work.

  88. Wow, the best list of signs I’ve read so far, very detailed and great!
    Now, my only question is: how many of the signs do I need to observe become suspicious? The reason I ask is that I couldn’t count more than 10-15, even if I’m being very sceptical of her, and that’s not a lot out of 100+ signs. And, most of it is related to the unusual secrecy in her smartphone usage (IM, facebook). However, we do have some trouble in our relationship now, discussions about our future, and I feel that she mentioned legitimate concerns, not just out-of-the-air bullshit. So, do you think I should be worried that there is cheating behind our recent problems?
    Thanks for your answers!

    • OK, ao answering my own question, my intuition was right. I just caught my girlfriend cheating a few hours ago, so the experience is still fresh. The big giveaway was the phone secrecy, and talking about a new friend which she didn’t want me to meet. My advice to everyone: if you have that gut feeling, you can be 90% certain that it’s happening, so you should conduct a plan to catch the cheater. I thought a lot about how to catch her, but I just couldn’t decide because of the risk of discovery, which would seal any further attempts. I thought about keyloggers, remote phone tracking, hiding a sound recorder, etc. But in the end, my method was way more simple and timeless. The biggest help I got was talking with a very good female friend of mine, after my detailed description of the situation, she gave me amazing insight to how girls in these situations think, feel, and act. After discussing with the friend, I decided that I will keep a watch on the bus stop near my gf’s house, so I could see her getting back home from the party where she didn’t want me to go. After 2.5 hours of boredom, I saw her getting off the bus with the “friend”, hugging each other, so I followed them home from a distance (quite easy to do at night when they are drunk). They stopped to make out twice, so it was easy to confirm my suspicion. After they went inside, I tried to call my gf, but her phone was off, so I rang the doorbell. After she answered, I told her I saw everything, and she should bring me down my squash racket. She let me in, I went up, got my stuff at the door, and went home. To my surprise she didn’t break down, just acted annoyed and confused that I watched and caugt her. I feel amazing now, as I’m again reassured of my intelligence, and people skills, but of course I’m sure I will have some bad days ahead of me, when it will sink in, that my 5-year relationship is over.
      Key takeaway: wathc for the signs, trust you gut, and deal with it oldschool PI style. I’m going to sleep now, I hope this will help some.

  89. out of all the reasons if my husband is cheating, there are 10 of those reasons are true when it come to my husband. what should i do?

  90. Whatever helps you sleep at night, cheater. Cheating ruins lives. Period. If you’re not happy, communicate and try to resolve issues. If you can’t resolve THEN LEAVE and give your partner the benefit of being able to move on. Cheaters are weak and pathetic. You trying to justify what you have done demonstrates that beautifully.

  91. I often wonder if we always feel like our partner is cheating. I am married and we fight a lot. It’s not new. But we always make up and he never leaves the house. My question is, sometimes some things on the list happen, not consistently, but once in a while he’ll log off fb or keep his phone on vibe. He’ll shave once in a while. Do I attribute this to possible cheating or just guy habits? He’s always home at the same time and no changes that are out of the ordinary. Am I being paranoid because I’m a stay at home wife with too much time to think?

  92. I’d say you have nothing to worry about. He’s being a guy doing guy things.

  93. Just putting it out there but a great many Of the points on this list could apply to any number of things that your spouse might be hiding from you. I’m an alcoholic 4 years in recovery and and many many of these behaviors are identical to the ones I exhibited in my years of hiding my addiction from my wife and loved ones and then there are some that aren’t even on this list. To keep it short I’m just pointing out that this could be applied to any numbe of situations and possibilities.

    • Anubis,

      That is an excellent point! This list is not intended to say “If you see the things on this list, that means your spouse is cheating.” Honestly there could be other reasons as you pointed out.

      However, if you see several of the signs on this list, it’s a word to the wise: SOMETHING is up. Keep an open mind–innocent until proven guilty–but don’t be afraid to investigate and face whatever the real truth may be.

      ~Cindy at Affaircare

  94. My fiancé of 5 1/2 years just recently kicked me and my daughter out of the house. He swore that it was no one else and that this has been long coming. A few weeks before we had went on a family beach vacation and everything was great. He even said he wanted to have our weeding there because it was our favorite place in the world to visit. Then the week that we got back things were a little different but I never thought something was wrong. We went to work, I came home and cooked and cleaned and then we would watch movies together as a family. Then that Saturday he told me that he was going to tutor his friend. Some girl that I didn’t know from school. He told me he would be gone for about an hour and a half and even asked if I wanted to go with him but I said no because my sister was in town. He ended up staying for almost 4 hours and when I called he sounded distant. I still never thought anything if it. The next week was we had an argument that Monday and looking back I feel like he was looking to pick a fight with me. We just had an off day that day. We’ll he didn’t talk to me for the rest if the week and he would cone home late head straight to the shower and sleep on the couch. He would wake up before me and leave for work before I could see him. That Friday he came home late from work at around 930 pm. He went straight down to the den and finally around 10 he came to the room and said he was ending it. He was going to give me and my daughter time to get our stuff but that it was over. Naturally i flipped out and packed a small bag and headed to my mom’s for the weekend. I thought we were just having another fight but that Sunday I find out that he cancelled my dish network service and that he had packed me and my daughter’s things and changed the locks. He refused to let me back in the house. He told me there was no other woman and that this was his decision. He made me feel like it was my fault. We’ll come to find out, I checked the phone records and he had been texting someone in the weeks and days leading up to our break up. He even text this chick over 160 times in just one day alone!!! I’m pretty sure this is the same girl he “tutored” that one day. I feel broken inside and my heart aches for my daughter because they were so close. I know it will get better eventually….

    • Oh my goodness! Yes he def was cheating and decided on the other person. Though people who do that do not deserve someone like you who has a family mindset. You sound like a honest and sincere woman and honestly you deserve far more than someone like that. If he isnt man enough to at least tell you the reason then you and your daughter are far better off without him.

      I hope and pray that you will find a man that will treat you and your daughter like you should be treated and not like some roommate. It does get better , time heals pain and if he did it to you he will do it to the new woman.

      You will be in my prayers tonight.

      God Bless. It will get better.

      • Thank you for your prayers. I am still struggling to get over it and have moments where I break down and cry. He tells me he didn’t cheat but what am I supposed to make of him texting back and forth with some other girl a total of 798 times in just two weeks? Why can’t he just tell me the truth? He said he had bills and other financial arrangements with her. Isn’t that an affair?! I prayed for him the other day hoping that God can help him see the way.

  95. Oh wow, he is cheating. He does all of these things. How do I get proof to be sure? OMG! I mean every single one of those things.

  96. I didnnt read all the comments. But I am beginning to suspect I am cheating on my wife. Some of these items could be caused by a simple loss of interest in a relationship.

    My wife has not been the most honest person. After requesting me to de-friend all my woman friends she promised to not contact her ex-boyfriend. If it wasnt for the fact that our daughter was born about 6 months later and her emails were forward to my home address, I would never had known. The issue was always put at my feet that I was the problem, had issues, had a rough upbringing (a very abussive father), etc kept me believing I am to blame.

    So, my lack of interest in the relationship caused me to behave much like this. However, my moral code is far too strong and I havent cheated, and dont plan to. After discovering many deceitful things lately I now see why I havent been happy and behaved erractically.

    Be careful that your spouse is just not happy. Dont listen to their BS, get the facts. But a liar and cheat doesnt change. Put checks in place to see if the behaviour is erractic or you just being over-suspicious, especially if there are kids involved.

    But thank you for the post. Its a good list to start from.

    • GIGG,

      I wanted to confirm what you’re saying–if you see the types of actions that are on this list that is not definitive proof that your spouse IS cheating. But it can be a radar to alert you to potential danger, and the more you see, the higher the percentage chance that you’re in trouble!

      So use this list as a warning or maybe as a guide that you’re not nuts–that voice screaming in your gut may be screaming the truth! If you see these kinds of behaviors, it’s time to investigate and find out the truth.

      ~Cindy

  97. I have had a couple of signs that make me wonder if my wife is cheating. To start I have ED and have severe reactions to all oral medical treatments. So for a while now (years) our sex life has been almost nonexistent. During the first couple of years she would get emotional about us not having sex, as though there was some other means of correcting my dysfunction. Then about 8-9 months ago she started telling me that she understood and it’s okay. Then a few weeks ago we were at a social function and she told me that a man in the room had said he was going to come to our house in the middle of the night, throw rocks at the window to wake her up, and kidnap her. Then drop her off several hours later. After telling me this, like I was supposed to get the joke, she told me not to go around him because she didn’t know what he might say. She clung tightly to me for the entire function. I can’t question her staying up late, she’s a student and we have kids so that’s the easiest way to study, but I can’t rule it out either. She recently received a call, I didn’t see the caller ID, but the ring tone was a song about oral sex. She claims it’s her default ring tone for everyone without a custom ring tone and proceeded to show me ring tones of her other friends. She also avoided me when I said it was an awfully risqué ring tone for the default. I’ve never felt a reason to not trust her, and I’ve done so blindly for almost 11 years. Now I’m feeling scared that the one person I love more than breath is about to walk out of my life. I need to know what is really going on, but I’m certain a direct confrontation will only lead to more secrecy.

    • Don’t confront her! You’ll ruin amy chance you have about finding out the truth. Assuming that you are mentally healthy person with a normal level of self-confidence, I can say that if your gut feeling is telling you that she is cheating, then she most probably is. It’s really hard to believe, we ignore the signs because we love so much, but it’s just the way it is. You have to switch your mindset from “find out if she is cheating” to “gather evidence”. Of course, it might turn out that she’s not, but that’s unlikely, and even then, you would at least have the ease of mind. There are a lot of ways to get evidence, just make sure you keep it “legal enough”. You can follow her, read her texts/messages while she’s sleeping, get your hand on her phone bills, or install a keylogger on a computer she uses. Remember, that cheaters have an unfair advantage, because they betray the trust you two share, and they exploit your blindness towards the warning signs, so you have to cross a line to catch them. I caugt my GF of 5 years cheating after waiting for over 2 hours in the middle of the night to see her get off a bus with a guy, and after I followed them to her home, I saw them kissing on the way. It was the best decision I could’ve ever made, I felt a huge relief catching them (though it felt like sh*t after).

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  100. We are married for 10 yrs now and suddenly my wife tells me that she wants freedom and I ask her what kind of freedom. She answers; to go out and dance and drink with her friends without having bad conscience. (We have 2 small children)
    She also started exercising a lot the last couple of weeks, “Zumba” dancing and running and all kinds of exercise. She never did before. And she always got her cell with her even at night by the side of her bed.
    I confronted her with my concerns but she says I am being paranoid. Hmmm but something inside tells me something is wrong, call it intuition.
    What do you think? Regards. Peter

    • Peter, I think now is the time to man up and take her phone and demand, DONT ASK to see what is on her phone and also look into this new found freedom she wants. If you have two small children then she should be worrying about them and her family not partying all the time with the girls. Going out for a girls night out is healthy but if it’s an all the time thing then that is not healthy.

      You should def take control and see what is going on. All you have to do is wake up in the middle of the night and grab her phone. GO through it and also DEMAND access to her email and social media accounts. You also need to evaluate why she may be making these new moves . It’s not her fault, and it’s your job to fix the problem. Do not be mean but be firm. Good luck !

  101. I had suspected my wife of cheating on me for months. She had shown many of these signs and she continuously made up excuses and told me I needed to seek help for my insecurities. After a few months I began feeling I did and I was making it all up In my head. Well, I finally got my evidence and she lost her job, lost the piece of shit fat/ugly boyfriend (who turned out to be her Manager) and lost me and the respect of friends and family.

    Now Im lovin life.

  102. I need help and advice if I can get it. For some reason after 18 years I feel a strong feeling as my husband is cheating on me. We have always had a really good relationship no troubles not fighting and never accused each other of cheating. But for some strange reason I feel as tho he has or is cheating. I can’t prove anything as It’s all gut instinct. No mysterious calls, not deleting text messages but however he’s always cleaning his web history and search engines. He’s also downloaded many anti virus and security apps which always close everything out.
    He “works out” every morning for about an hour and a half and when he comes home he doesn’t jump straight unto the shower and u don’t smell odd smells coming from him.
    So it’s like I have no proof of anything but it feels so real like he is. It’s getting to me and making me push him away as tho he’s doing something wrong. I don’t know what caused this gut feeling and it won’t go away. This has been going on for a little over a month. I’ve asked him about it and he denies it calmly and doesn’t seem to get upset by me asking him.
    I just need to know what to do. Do I go with my instinct? Do I let it go cause of no proof? I need answers.
    I feel like I could break down but really don’t k ow why. Please help!!

  103. That’s called intuition and you’re probably right. However you need proof because if your husband is having an affair he will always deny it( that’s what they always do, women and men. Lie about it)
    It’s a terrible feeling and it eats you up inside. Stop confronting your husband(it will ruin your marriage)be patience and find proof.
    It’s the only way, I speak out of experience because I go through the same with my wife.
    God bless and trust on The Lord He is with the broken hearted

  104. I have been married for almost 4 years now. The man I fell in love with is not the same man. My husband used to be kind, caring, considerate of my feelings, passionate, respectful, and much more. Not long after we moved into our first house together I noticed some changes. We had a computer no internet yet. He push and fought and argued that we needed the internet. Never did I think that we needed it for his pleasure. I started catching on and noticed him only on it when I was gone. I would check it offend when I knew he would be long enough for me to view the history on it. I seen websites that I ever would have thought exsisted. I found sites to hook up and meet to have sex several times. When I would confront him on it he would just simply say it’s the ads that keep popping up all the time. Well I tested it and went to the sites he went to just to see for myself. I checked the history and nothing about this site called adult friend finder. Then I went this website the adult friend finder and then went to the history. There it was, liar is all I thought. I started paying more attention to these things finding more as I got deeper into it. He had visited Craig’s list and much more. I also noticed the way he would look at other women and treat certain women( more so paying attention the bigger breasted women). This I would bring up on how he treated certain women better than me or would pay more attention like a lover would to them. I’m crazy and insecure he tells me. He once said do you know why men like big breasted women better, because they are more confident. Not something I feel you should say to your wife. I have also heard him talk about how he had awesome sex with past lovers. Constantly talks about his ex wife as if they are still married. Just an entire story I could write on this about my relationship with my husband. Just seems endless at times, and the constant being told I’m the one with issues not him. It takes 2 to tango not one and I feel for a strong married open communication is so vital for it to survive, and blossom. If you don’t have that you have nothing but a marriage to a hypocrite and pathological liar who feels they are always in the right and you are wrong. Any advice please share, I’m open to all. Thanks for listening and reading my post.

    • Jess, it really sounds like he is taking advantage of you and the fact that you seem kind and forgiving. It also appears that he is definitely up to no good and it’s up to you to find out what it is he is doing. There are many many things you can do to discover what he is up to without him knowing. It’s been my understanding that the cheating partner will always tell the other one that they are crazy and they are over reacting when confronted with potential cheating issues.

      Do NOT confront him without evidence and make sure you are safe and know what you are getting into if this is something that you choose to pursue. The main thing you need to know is to be safe and then gather evidence.

      Personally , I find it in extreme poor taste that he brags about former lovers with you and that should be just yet another signal of the true person to whom you are involved with.

      If he is blame shifting , saying you are crazy and and insecure it’s actually or probably him.

      Get evidence of him cheating and do not even confront him, go get a lawyer and file for D. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

      God be with you and good luck.

  105. So my gut is screaming something’s up. 19 years married. Ups and downs but overall happy. Sex life isn’t where he’d like it to be but has always been understanding of me. Within last 1 1/2 years his cell phone is constantly around him. He angles the screen away when I move close. I’ve checked his texts – nothing. Can’t access his email as it’s through work however did see an email via a “Widget” as he needed his phone restored. Noticed a name and a specific question regarding his availability for that same day (claims was at phone store for 3 hours). Now I don’t know how “widgets” work or if even if they show accurate emails and not junk. Affection and intimacy has dropped off completely. Found an earring today on kitchen counter, that I know is not mine or anyone else in house (we have boys). Cleaned house yesterday anyway. Approached him, he claims to not know it and I make a remark that it’s a cheap earring (which it is). His response, “Maybe it’s from my cheap girlfriend.” Feel like I’m losing my mind. Trust my instincts but so unsure as to how to approach him with questions. From reading the above responses, I feel as though he’ll lie anyway. Thoughts? I really just want the truth. I feel as though I’m being played.

  106. I’m recently married and twelve weeks pregnant. The funny thing is before I met Gabriel I never wanted marriage or children…I thought I was making the right decision because he only ever talked about how lucky he was. How happy. Now I’m soon to be separated, single mother at 23. And I have no idea how it happened.

  107. When my husband read these articles, he swore i was cheating. At this time our relationship is about in ruins. He constantly attacks me and investigates me and accuses me. This behaviour ruined our sex life, our bond, our trust, our friendship. so not everyone who fits these characteristics is doing wrong. Just unhappy with the way things r going and waiting it out a little longer before shutting it all down and moving on.

    • “…When my husband read these articles, he swore i was cheating. At this time our relationship is about in ruins. He constantly attacks me and investigates me and accuses me. This behaviour ruined our sex life, our bond, our trust, our friendship. so not everyone who fits these characteristics is doing wrong. Just unhappy with the way things r going and waiting it out a little longer before shutting it all down and moving on…”

      You are quite right – this does not always indicate an affair, and we don’t make such a claim.

      They are, however, an indicator of problems in a marriage, and if they do exist, or there is suspicion that they exist, there is definite need to work on the marriage!

      Be careful about blaming your husband for all of the problems in your marriage. It takes two to tango.

    • Then get a divorce, sounds like you give him reasons to keep tabs on you.

  108. My wife waffles up aft odd hours of the night to check/quick text, i fake like I’m sleeping. She wakes up and goes to the bathroom with her cell, when she showers. No sexy lingerie either. When we’re driving she is on the cell practically the whole trip. Please give me advise, I’ve been married 4 years and I hate that my gut is telling me something is off between us.

    • If I were in your shoes I would want to know why my wife is exhibiting that sort of behavior. That is not normal behavior for a married woman. Hopefully you are aware of your marriage situation and know why she is possibly communicating with someone else. If you suspect her cheating or having some sort of EA than you need to confirm your suspicions. There is a reason she is doing what she is doing so don’t assume you are innocent and know no reason , approach the situation as a gentleman and use caution and reason. If you do find out that she is being unfaithful, I would also consider remaining a gentlemen about the situation and seek legal actions or arbitrary intervention such as a marriage counselor. Either way good luck to you.

  109. My spouse tells a friend of mine apparently??? That I think the 2 of them are having an affair. I text her the night before asking her to come visit I then find out she was at my husbands shop cause she told him I text her but she never text me back til next day in the aafternoon.

  110. I don’t know what to do, if I’m being paranoid or what. We have been married for 12 years, but together for 17 (high school sweethearts). Well almost 3 years ago, I discovered he had been having an affair with a secretary in his office (stereotypical). He displayed a lot of the aforementioned and of course when confronted with the affair he lied and denied. But when she copped to the affair he finally admitted to it. We decided to work on our marriage, we have children etc. Fast forward to now. These are the things I am seeing: weird internet usage at different times of the night. Recently he changed in bed (the sex changed), I found some sexual enhancement stuff in his jacket pocket and live webcam porn stuff on his computer and he just secretly got himself a prepaid visa card. He doesn’t know that I know about it. I also have found an address to someone’s home that he googled. My schedule is flexible, he always wants to know where I am. Another poster mentioned not answering the phone when you call. Well, he does that. I can call and call, no answer. He always has a reason as to why he didn’t answer whenever he calls back. BUT if I miss his phone call he gets very upset and suspicious, i.e. What were you doing?! Why didn’t you answer my call?! Where are you?! Sometimes he makes me feel like I’m losing my mind. Matter of fact he has said that I “need to get help” whenever I confront him about something, or point out the inconsistencies in his story about whatever. He says he’s praying for me, but I don’t know if this is just a manipulation tactic or what. Like right now, he is out of town with some members of our church. I called him several times, no answer. He was “in the conference.” But when I pulled up our cell phone records I see that he was on the internet but ignored my calls. At first I thought he was communicating with someone. He said that I was being paranoid. I don’t know anymore….

  111. I have an question tell me this,you notice different behavior as far as dont wanna kiss or hold your hand,walks on different aisles from you,buying gifts that he has never done,money starts to disappear,and wanna try something new in bedroom like anal sex when y’all never done it.? What do u do?

  112. My ex George pulled everything here. Over and over again. The worst part was that he used his kids as an excuse and lied about being betrayed by his ex-wife, when in reality he was a seasoned cheater, a pathological liar and a narcissist. I found out that I was the other woman. He’d been dating this clueless idiot for over a year, who believed him when he said he’d just cheated on her with one other women (me). We worked with each other for months before we dated and he’d seen multiple other women before me, but never mentioned her. I feel so bad for this lady, because the level of betrayal I felt from him can be nothing in comparison to hers. I can only think she is cognitively impaired or just willfully ignorant. And I know it’s only a matter of time before this dude cheats again. Her life is gonna be a mess. Like when the Exon Valdez spilled oil all over Alaska.

  113. Please read all of this and tell me that i should not be worried. Its so close to home its f***ing errie ..

  114. I’ve been married for 8 years and have a young child. Things started to change between the two of us about 2 years ago when we wouldn’t be as close as we were before, claiming that he is always tired from work, sleeping on the couch, spending too much time on his ipad, not communicating too much either, me being consumed with motherhood… i noticed he would delete the history on his browser, accidentally found that he had enrolled on a couple of dating/sex sites… i asked him straight out if he was having an affair but he denied it and said that he loves me and only wants to be with me. This was last year… I should also mention that he travels alot for work oversees…. After that i tried to forget this and make nothing of it. We tried to be more intimate after that and get more close to one another…. Unfortunately however, i still had this gut feeling that something was wrong as the secretive behaviour continued. Last week i unfortunately discovered emails between him and a woman living oversees; i was devastated! I didnt want to tell him i had proof so i decided to let him come out and tell me the truth; I asked him to be honest with me and tell me if he was having an affair and that if he were we could work to fix the problem. I poured my heart out to him about my feelings, our marriage, our commitment to one another… he denied having an affair, looked me in the eyes and said he only wants to be with me, spend his entire life with me and that he loves me!! He even mentioned thoughts of having a second child! I am so confused, i want to give him a second chance; maybe he will stop the affair; maybe this was a wake up call for him; his behaviour has changed since that day we spoke, he has been more open, doesnt spend that much time on the ipad like before… I am trying to cope with me knowing the truth but want to move on and help strengthen our marriage… any advice please?

    • If he can’t be honest with you, there’s no hope for your marriage. There’s no way you can rebuild trust unless he wants to HELP you trust again – and the only way he can do that is to be honest.

  115. I hate feeling like I’m going crazy, but my gut has been screaming at me for 2-3 months. My BF and I have been together for three years, and he left another woman for me (I didn’t find out about this until later, but it’s important, because I don’t know if the mistrust is stemming from THAT, or from the possibility that he IS actually running around on ME). He used to be exceptionally attentive, but now, even when he’s over at the house (which is every night), he seems a million miles away. I have to repeat myself 2-3 times on everything I say, almost. He’s constantly checking Facebook, but not like he’s messaging – more like what’s on FB is more entertaining than yours truly. Any time we are on the back porch, he will put his phone upside down on the table (so that I can’t see the screen), or in his shirt pocket. Either way, he guards the thing like Fort Knox. I’ll text him during the day, and sometimes, it takes 5-6 hours for him to return a text. I understand that he can’t text when he’s working on a job site, or when he’s driving, but I find it to be a very difficult pill to swallow that he can’t find 60 seconds within 5-6 hours to return a text. Our sex life has dwindled, then, when I brought it to his attention, started up again. He hasn’t changed his appearance, opened any dating site accounts, or anything like that, but… I just feel like something is OFF. Something isn’t right. My gut is screaming at me that something is very wrong, but I can’t find anything, and now, I feel like I’m losing my mind. Every time I ask him, “Is there someone else?”, he responds, “No, there is no one else.” It’s like he repeats what I said right back to me. He doesn’t have time to do this at night, as he is at my house, but during the day? That may be an entirely different matter. For instance, he said that he doesn’t have any jobs going right now, but he’s still disappearing for hours at a time… If he IS cheating, I wouldn’t be the first woman he’s done it to… He did it to his wife, and to his last girlfriend. Oh, and I should add – he’s 59, and I’m 55.

    • Yep … hes up 2 something.

    • I don’t think it’s just your gut feeling or instinct telling you this. You have facts on the table, including admission of past cheating. One of the very few things I’m confident that I’ve learned through this is that cheating less often falls into the category of “terrible mistake” and more often reveals a deep-seated character flaw. I know how hard it is to hear that about someone you’ve built a life with, but I really don’t think cheaters ultimately change. And if they do (i.e. if they stop cheating), the character flaw might well express itself in another form that’s destructive to you and the relationship. At root, cheaters feel “cheated” themselves – they “deserve more”, and they will express that entitlement mentality one way or another.

      Somewhat separate topic, but I’m convinced that cell phones are destroying relationships in so many ways that I’m tempted to label them as “evil.” If I ever consider another serious relationship, it will only be after I’ve had ample opportunity to casually observe the role that cell/social media plays in the person’s life. These things have the addictive power of substances and/or porn, but are both socially acceptable and arguably “necessary”. Insidious!

      I’m so sorry for you. I pray that you will seek and find the “peace that surpasses all understanding”, as it’s the only real and permanent cure for what ails us.

  116. I found out that my husband has been texting another woman for many months now. The texts are increasing. I can pull up his phone records and see that he texted her 29 times in one day. The same day she texted him 48 times. In fact his phone bill has doubled since this time last year from all the texts. He texts me maybe 3 times a week. There are occasional phone calls but 99% texts. She also borrowed a vehicle of ours for 2 months til I kept asking why her car wasn’t fixed yet. He says they are just friends, and that she texts him for advice on her druggie son. I asked him if she had problems with him every day? Because they text every day. He keeps that phone very close even brings it in the bathroom because I snatched it away one time and saw a text from her. He deleted her contact then put her number back under just her initial. Said he has a right to talk to his friends and she is just a friend. He claims he is deleting messages from her (but no one else) because I am paranoid. Heard the text tone this morning and asked who it was. He wouldn’t answer so I grabbed the phone and it was her asking for $20 for her light bill. Said he was just helping a friend. Sex gone for months now. Said he had problems so now takes testosterone shots, but still no sex. He says he just can’t. I also found out he lets her “borrow” pain pills. He is increasingly contemptuous of me. Said that every problem we have is because of me. I have no actual proof. He says I am laughable. What do you think? Are they just friends or more?

    • Lara, so sorry to hear your issues with your husband. I can’t say for sure that your husband is cheating but the way he is acting it sure comes across that way. I would investigate further if I were you.
      I’ve been married 13 years and found out last month that my husband had been cheating on me with numerous women over the last 18 months. I never thought he would cheat on me. He became so attached to his phone – text messaging all the time till all hours of the evening. He took that phone with him everywhere – even the toilet. When I asked why he was on the phone so much he said he was chatting to employees, friends. Suddenly starting working late, weekends, business trips etc etc. I asked him a few times if he was cheating on me and he denied it and said he loved me and would never do that. He would see these women during working hours, after work, weekends – every chance he could get. Buy them things, pay their rent. I never checked up on him, I believed him. Our life was normal I believed – still went away on holidays, long weekends, dinners, movies – I had no idea he had this other secret life.
      I only found out when I had his phone for safekeeping whilst he was in hospital – then I read all the texts and it was disgusting – my world crashed. Since I confronted him with all the evidence he has promised it will never happen again and they meant nothing to him and he’s so sorry etc etc. What I find hard to believe is that he’s said they haven’t contacted him at all since he’s come out of the hospital which was 3 weeks ago and he says he’s had no contact with them either – I struggle to believe this. In fact I’m finding it so difficult right now to believe anything he says. I’m hurt and disappointed.

  117. These signs are so true!! I have experienced most of them with my spouse. he tried to say it was just me but months later he reveals he was cheating on me.. now he says he is serious and his insecurities about me turning the tables is driving him insane….

  118. Absolutely he is nailing this chick. I am so sick of men and even women who can’t keep their business in their pants. Its sicking how abscess our culture is about getting laid. Love isn’t even important anymore and vows don’t mean squat. Unfortunately technology has made it so easy to mess around. Shame on those who can’t control their urges! Sorry your man couldn’t keep his junk to himself and in your marriage. Best of luck moving forward!

  119. My wife and I have been married for almost 22 years (January 15) that twenty year time frame seems to be a familiar mark. I’ve gone through some rather rough times with my health over the past 6 years or so to include a heart attack in 2009 and a major back surgery on November 5 2012 that left me in a chemically induced psychosis for almost a month due to an overdose of anesthesia, which culminated in a short stay in the Psyhc. Ward. My wife stayed by my side through all of these events, supporting me all the way. Unbeknownst to me a resentment was forming through all of this as well.

    Over the past few years, I don’t know exactly how many, I’ve noticed some odd behavior along the way but it always seemed to pass rather quickly. This time not so much…

    About 2 weeks ago we had a small argument that ended about a week ago with her saying to me “don’t you think we should get a divorce?” it put me into a panic that sent me to the hospital once more convinced that she is having an affair. She offered me her phone to inspect as proof that nothing was going on and I was just imagining things. Well I took her up on it and brought it into my office plugged it into my computer and restored all that had been erased on it at least the phone numbers. Low and behold all of these numbers filled in between all of the numbers that showed up when she first showed me her call log. One was “Joe’s number at work” followed by the number. I left it all on her phone and gave it back to her saying nothing. When I asked her outright if she was having an affair she exclaimed emphatically “No” followed by a loud threat of her walking out if I ever say it again.

    I’m not stupid, what I am is very much in love with the woman I married. She is my first true love and the only woman I have ever had any desire what so ever to be with. I truly believe our relationship can survive this and is worth saving but it’s killing me to think of what’s going on behind my back. Next month she is going out of town on business, a trip that we normally take together (I usually drive, for she doesn’t care to and her company doesn’t have a problem with me going). About a month ago she told me that she had to make this trip but I couldn’t go this time because she was to be traveling with another lady from her office. I understood that she has to be professional and it wouldn’t be right for me to go along. Somewhere in the back of my head something didn’t seem right but I let it go. During the last few days I’ve thought of calling the lady that was supposed to go with her and ask her if she would mind if I went along, but that seems kind of low. I found out who Joe is and considered contacting his wife, but I don’t want to cause anyone else to realize the pain that I’ve been living in. I know that if his wife is supposed to know then it will happen in it’s own way, with the universe equalizing everything that requires equalizing. I watched my wife going through the worst luck of her life over and over and when she asks why I say “are you doing anything wrong in your life”? To which she will respond “No”.

    I think I just need to vent and this looked like a likely spot to do it in !
    I’m grateful to all who attend this site Thank You for the support you provide!!

    Love You all
    B.

    • Awe man, I went through the same thing. I found my wife was starting a EA and it was getting off the ground very fast. My wife, yeah first true love, 25 years check, old boyfriend on facebook check, soon afterwards, me finding out. I am sorry to hear about your situation and dont take this wrong , but honestly you sound sort of like a pussy and are letting her walk in her own direction. Again man I am not calling you a name i’m telling you how some woman interpret your response. (Cindy sorry to be so aggressive making my point of course)

      You have a lot of starting points and you really do need to man up and take your wife back. Stop depending on her to wipe your ass and stand up and take your wife and her love back.

      You and her are not even really communicating anymore and dude, she’s been through a lot of shit with you.

      One thing I learned from my exact situation was to stand up , man up and let my wife know that I truly love her and would never take her for granted. When is the last time you and her went on a date or had a nice soft romantic evening?

      Works both ways dude. both ways.

  120. I understand completely that it works both ways, my wife had a Heart Attack this past May and I stepped up and took care of her for three weeks after she came home from the hospital. I was grateful for the opportunity to repay her in some small way for all of the kindnesses she bestowed upon me through all of my illnesses! Not that I would have ever wish an illness on her, just that the opportunity was there, it felt good to give back.

    Actually I believe she may have been in an affair at that point because she refused me sex in almost a violent way, a way I had never seen before. She said “if you ask me again I will never have sex with you again”! I always preferred to say we made love over had sex so even the wording of her statement bothered me.

    Now to the Elephant in the room (pussy?) I appreciate your candor and that is something that has gone through my head a few times “am I being a ********” fill in he blank. I am on the path that I am on due to some advice I received to “give her space”, “let it run it’s course or it may happen again” and ultimately the fact that my wife has on more than one occasion through this said to me that “if you bring it up again I’m going to leave you!” and maybe I am being a wimp but the prospect scares the crap out of me. Not that I can’t stand on my own it’s the Grand Children we are the only stable force they have ever had in their lives and I can’t think that this would be healthy for them. At 56 my family is my primary focus and I won’t do anything to jeopardize them.

    So how do I go about “Maning up” I could put my foot down and demand it end but she will never admit to it’s beginning !! Any other aggressive moves I make will be met with the same incredulity! There’s the tact of contacting his wife and letting her bust him stopping it from that side but as I said I don’t want to be responsible for another’s suffering. I had said at a point that I wished I was oblivious to the whole thing but that’s just head under the rock thinking and I’m sure that’s not healthy for anyone. I would truly appreciate any insight that you might provide because I’m at a total loss, I really hurt inside and I want for the pain to stop.

    I believe we do communicate, and I have always tried to keep our relationship romantic other than the times that I was ill. I’m of Italian descent and even when I’m sick I don’t mind making Love to my wife. I still open all doors for my wife the car, the house, the store, where ever there hasn’t been one day that’s gone by since the beginning that I didn’t say “I Love You” to her! I know that marriages require work and I have never forgotten to do my chores!

    My wife is perimenopausal and she had gone through a lot as a child that effects her self image and esteem. I’m fairly confident that these factors are deeply involved with her decision to do what she is doing. I think that many people have the need to be told by others that they either look nice or are pretty or handsome and coming from your spouse isn’t enough for all of us, in my case it’s all I need but that doesn’t make me any better or worse than they are, just different! I think that MyLove has a need to feel young and to experience the feelings that come with a new relationship every thing is cranked up to the max emotionally. I prefer the comfort of the way an old wallet feels or my old moccasins, not to suggest for a minute that I view my relationship as old and worn in it’s just comfortable, my wife and I fit together very well. We think the same thought’s. She can be at work and I will have a thought of her and I know she will be on the phone with me in less than a minute with her having called. We will have seen some thing together weeks before and it will have struck us at the same time to talk about it. I believe that we are in synchronicity with each other. She’s my best friend!

    Ice thank you for your help, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone! I do want to step up and take her back I just don’t know how!

    Thanks for all your help
    B.

    • If shes’s your BF then you should tell her what is bothering you. You sound very sincere and want your wife back. show her what she married, she didnt marry a guy who takes shit she married a guy who she could never stop being with.

      Try and find that again , I know I was harsh on you but I can sense that you really love her and she loves you. You alone are the master of your own direction and you alone are responsible for getting her attention.

      The thing is to be yourself and not complain but listen.

      She is wanting something you haven’t been able to give her in a long time, what is it that she is missing?

      As for telling you how to man up, come on man .. it’s all right there in front of you, if you are a guy and you love your wife then manning up is not an issue. Though I live in Chicago and can see guys that used to have that it factor and now they are just pussified shells of their old selves.

      Make sense so far? Hopefully, I am , you know I will go out on a limb here and offer you an ear if you wish, though I must tell you that I am somewhat candid and direct.

      I really hope you are able to save your marriage I went through the same thing ,, and I am not kidding.

      Always,

      • Hello Ice
        I thought I had sent you a reply but I’m not seeing it and I’m not fully positive I would know where to look for it. I tried to leave you my personal email address but it never showed up. I would rather air my dirty laundry a bit morre3 discretely if you know what I mean. I’m coming down to crunch time and I don’t mind saying that I’m a little scared of what the results might turn out to be. Is there a way to send a private message? Or at least my email address or cell number I’m getting desperate. I’ve been mannng up as you’ve said and the results have been mixed, it’s defiantly complicated , but then what relationship isn’t, right?

        I’ve got my fingers crossed that this will go through… If not could whom ever moderates this forum forward this information to Ice! Please!

  121. My husband shows all the signs of cheating he makes me feel like im the one with the problem what should I do

  122. It’s almost amazing to me that these folks can close their eyes at night and its of to sleep they go. I’m not the one who’s out deceiving the one whom they had made promises to on their vows, yet my stomach is in such a knot and the adrenalin coursing through my body is making it twitch uncontrollably. The doctor told me it’s because I’m a good person ( that and fifty cents, right! ) How does on cope? It takes some time bury I think I needed to spot or my feelings first. I’ve never found that acting out on my initial emotional response was anything but disastrous. A nice slow metered response with all of the details worked out like, do I want to stay together with the person? This is the first one for me, because all else rolls off of it, right? Of your planning on leaving then all you have to do is plan for that. And so on…

    I think that making you feel as though your art fault is just another displacement of guilt tactic. In their mind in order to cope with the guilt they need to reinforce their situation by putting all of the fault on the other, saying things to themselves like ” remember that time when I tried to make love to her and she pushed me away!” That gets vilified in their heads and blown completely out of proportion so they can live with themselves!

    Please understand that I’m not a psychiatrist or even a social worker so what I say is from personnel experience and has no basis in medicine or psychiatry. Just believe in yourself !! Don’t let them make you believe that you aren’t the great person that you know you are deep down inside !! We have all made mistakes but they are in the wrong. The right way to do this is to tell your partner straight out that they don’t love you anymore and they want to separate to be with someone else AFTER the separation! I know those aren’t that words I wanted to hear but I find them preferable to the current situation I’m in! Good luck to you and there are many good hearts thinking of you and trying to help you through this time of great pain, sorrow and reflection!

    With love
    B.

  123. what is she spends a lot more time in the bathroom then she used to and when she takes a shower she spends a long time sitting in the shower on her phone but everytime I come in she’s playing a game and she’s leaving for work in the morning a lot earlier than she used to

  124. and she also has talked about losing weight she was like to get back down to what she was when we first started dating and she has also started to put a lot more makeup on in the morning before she goes to work as well she says she doesn’t put any more makeup on then she used to but I see her everyday and I know when she was a lot more makeup on I don’t think that she wants to leave me but I do think that something is going on at her work she is sleeping with someone at her work it may have started when we were separated for 6 months because we could not see eye to eye and she does not know how to stop it because I put one of those spy recording apps on her phone and not once but twice I heard what sounded like moaning because I know what my wife sounds like when she’s moving and then I heard some smacking or something and then you hear a guy groaned faintly in the backgroundshe listened to it and said that it was her rolling around in her chair at work and that was her just breathing and the smacking noise was a pill crusher ever work and the grunting was an old man that is across the hall from her desk she works at a nursing home so I could see that but the second time she had known that there was possible that there was a recording app on her phone and then you start hearing moaning and then you hear Shhhhhh shhhhhh and then it goes quiet I don’t know maybe I’m going nuts was crazy but can someone please help me with this I’m certain to go nuts in my head on my own I love my wife to death we’ve been together since we were 17 it’s now almost 11 years we have been together and I don’t know what I would do without her she is my best friend in the world and it scares me to know that I could lose her so any insight would help

  125. I agree with you about this all information but i have a question for you guys my husband cheated on me and i also do the same because i was so angry n when i have sex with him that picture of his girlfriend shows up and i loose focus what must i do

  126. I met my mate 13 years ago but have been a couple for 8 years. He showed affection for first few months but stopped and saying he’s not for all of that “stuff.” Soon after I learned he has erectile dysfunction so sex wasn’t a part of our 8 years together but remained together. I’ve tried doing things for him to get an erection he’s even tried Viagra but doesn’t work. Around 3 months ago 2014 he learned he had a child who researched and found him. He suddenly started running to her at her mothers house and watching her other children they speak often. He has stopped going to the house regularly but sees her on the outside on the street maybe an hour or two. When I ask if they’re having an affair he says no they’re just friends however I always know where he is come bed time which is with me. He still allows me to touch him but he doesn’t with me though he rarely did in the past except he would put his arm around me occassionally when we slept. We still cuddle up at night when sleeping. We have each other on our phones GPS app and often can see his location only about a few times did he disappear off the GPS but soon reappeared within an hours time. He’s stopped calling me during the day when he or I are out to see how I am but usually isn’t out of the home for no more than 4-5 hours and its not every day sometimes he’s out less time. I’ve found love messages they send each other. He always makes it clear he’s been here 8 years and don’t plan to leave now but tells me regarding our relationship to take it slow. Could he be having an affair or could he be just testing waters to see what he missed all the time they were not together while she raised their child. I also feel maybe some of his behavior could be caused by being erectile dysfunction. Does anyone think he’s having a “real” love affair and would it be likely he’d leave our home for good or possibly return. Any advice and suggestions that could help me with this situation would be appreciated.

  127. VERY interesting and sad read. I feel terrible for all who have been betrayed and despise all who have betrayed trust, commitment, and loyalty to their partner. Me? Married for less than 10 years, kids, and totally in love with my wife. After many years and long closed chapters in my wifes life, a former roommate/big brother/homosexual friend resurfaced via her pre-marriage email. Not sure why she even felt compelled to check that as I believed it was in-active after years of inactivity (as I still believe). Over 2 months of recent recontact via text, email, skype/facetime between them, all of the sudden I learn she had “feelings” for him way back when. First digression from him being the roomate/big brother/homosexual as She told me and as I believed (why wouldn’t I). She did offer up this guy in discussion as we became serious, but I had no reason to question or feel threatened by her being roomates with a homosexual; who would? I made myself sick wondering if this recent recontact was emotional infidelity (many miles between them) as I felt I was only getting a version that would attempt to shape my perception of him/their relationship as “friends.” Lessons learned: do NOT let suspicions linger, dig deep and find thecourage to share with your partner about what is bothering you. I did and WOW, do I feel better. Trust is everything and if you lose it, there is a very long road ahead to ever recover from that. This whole ordeal has made me realize that I must invest in my wife’s feelings, needs, desires (beyond physical). I sought comfort in our moments of intamacy and felt better until the next day. Unlike other contributors here, there is NO spark if I think of my wife being intimate with another man; quite the opposite as I feel the urge to vomit. It is even difficult to imagine my wife being involved in emotional infedility with a “friend” from the past. Call me obsessive, a jealous husband, whatever, but I will do ANYTHING to protect my wife and the rhythm our family had before this “friend” re-surfaced. I trust and love my wife 100%. I don’t feel there is any other way one could or should feel when you commit (yes, marriage in front of God and witnesses) to your spouse. I love my wife so much, but reading this has made me aware that I need to, no, MUST communicate more often with her. I sincerely believe that I am, or should be, envied by any husband/father alive for the wonderful things that God has given to me. It is up to me to keep it. I have flaws and have learned a tremendous amount from so many hurt people sharing their deepest emotions. Thank you so much! I do pray that all of you who have suffered, do find peace and happiness.

  128. I spent alot of time in prison then I met my wife 14 days after being released. That was 15 years ago, since then I’ve been in and out.
    she’s a good wife I was a cheating husband . Its always been up and down because of my lifestyle chosen. Now her behavior is changing in a major way . Causing me to become paranoid and unsure . But I do love her. She’s all I got.
    we are in a bad place in our marriage we don’t want a divorce. But our incompatible’s are showing and I wonder how we made it this far.
    I’m just lost in my own shit idk. But something is up and not knowing bugs me.
    IDK

  129. I need some help!!! My husband had I small speck of poop on the FRONT of his underwear. I just had this feeling to check them and that’s what I discovered. This morning during sex he stuck his finger in my butt and seemed to be turned on by it. We have been going through some things lately. I can admit that I have accused him a lot because of things that happened to me in previous relationships. He tells me he isn’t cheating and stresses that he wouldn’t do it because he married me. I don’t work right now so I’m hone all day with him and on the phone with him all night. He puts sticks in the door before he leave and sets the rocks by the bedroom window a certain kind of way. But yet he thinks I cheat on him. I don’t know if we are both very very insecure or is he cheating. Please help this is my first marriage and I just don’t want to be a fool.

    • Uh, I don’t even know where to start on this. Wow. You really should find someone to talk to in the real world about this. There are some serious issues it sounds like.

  130. Hey bro, so sadly I have shared your pain. People like us have deep issues and only professional help can fix it. I have some really bad news for you bro your wife is numb to your mistakes and appologies now it seems. My situation I did the same thing was being selfishly permiscous with out thinking of my wife at the time and she was my world to and no one will ever understand but us how we could do something like that to the ones we love, but we do. We have addiction issues and act purely on compulsions. My wife I could tell the love she had for me was gone and replaced with something fake, but hell have no furry like a woman scorned trust me. My wife found another man and because she depended on me financially she became the best liar I have ever seen. Always having a cover for every thing. She acted like she was keeping me around because she said we would get better but I was doing my part to fix myself and she was banging this other guy. I was to scared to act on my suspicions untill I couldn’t take it anymore. The hardest thing to get over is letting go of what was once your best friend. I neglected my wifes feeling for to long and she she faked it till she made it. So we are divorcing now because I helped change her to be a spitful revenge loving woman. Your wife sounds like she is at that point now where she is numb to you and does what she needs to get buy with you but most likely has found someone to fulfill her needs the ones you couldnt provide. It hurts but get proof before you accuse her of cheating biggest mistake I made was not having 100% proof. I mean you need pics, video, emails, and I finally got smart enough and bought a semen detection kit and boom almost every pair had another mans juice on them. Get proof try individual therapy and if she agrees couples therapy it will help trust me what else do yoh have to loose. Good luck.

  131. ive seen a lot of these signs but my wife is always say that I’m crazy I feel it in my gut my wife is a ups driver and work a whole lot of hrs we have 5 children we have a good sex life idk she even made me go to get help saying I’m crazy idk what to do please help me I don’t want to be with a cheater

  132. I don’t even know where to start. My wife and I had been married for about a year and a half when her demeanor toward me did a 180. Before I tell the sequence of things that make me wander if she cheated, I do acknowledge things I could have done better as a husband. We dealt with some unforseen circumstances and selfishness showed out in me during that time. It is something that I acknowledged and certainly started working to improve it. That being said she started pulling away from me and then boom it was like I didn’t even exist. She first started sleeping upstairs. Then, she had her own cell phone which she paid for and was always on it – not talking – but looking at it. She really had nothing to say to me at all. It continued to build where she wouldn’t even look at me unless she absolutely had to. She wouldn’t talk to me unless she had to. She would become very critical of me in anything I said at all. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. It got to the point where she didn’t even want to be in the same room as me. If we both happened to be in the living room, she would say loudly “Am I going to have to go upstairs to watch tv?’ That was her cue for me to go back to the bedroom so she could spend time with some of her family who came over. I would leave the room because I didn’t want there to be any more tension. Sometimes if we happened to be in the same room, she would sigh very loudly and bolt up stairs. She moved out and said it was a seperation. However, I didn’t see her for the next three months. The only communication she would do with me is text. She would drop by the house and get stuff of hers when I wasn’t there. One time I came home when she was washing clothes. Before I could even see her, she got all the clothes gathered out of the washer, went straight to the car and drove off. I was led to believe that this just a seperation until she asked for a divorce. I didn’t understand it. She just said it wasn’t meant to be. I finally saw her at the house which caught her off guard. She was picking up the divorce papers I signed. I noticed she wasn’t wearing her ring. She was miffed I saw her, got the papers and drove off quickly. I have asked her on different occasions if she has cheated and the reponse has always been no. It gets turned back on me as though I am the reason this is happening. I feel like in a marriage both spouses will make mistakes and I certainly have made my share. However, she states repeatedly that she never did anything wrong in the marriage.
    Does this sound like someone cheating or am I jumping the gun? I would appreciate someone’s imput who may have dealt with a similar situation.

  133. I accused my husband two years ago I can affair the text messages etc lead me to believe it. When I confronted him he said I knew you would think that then he stormed out ,we broke up then got back together but he hadn’t had sex with me for 2years telling people I have ruined it I dont no what to do I’m 48

  134. Its been going on for years. It hasn’t ended. What to do?

  135. All the signs were there I just trusted him with all my heart, he betrayed me for God knows how long. Threatened me, helping me move out, couldn’t make up his mind on wanting a divorce, wanted to talk to me but couldn’t put it together to do so. He was living with her less than a month after the final divorced, I checked on him and got in reply ” I’m good”
    Never once seeing if I was okay, all this 6 montha shy of 30 years married. My kids say he was a loser for a long time. …I was blind.

  136. YES I am hearing the classic comment I love you but I am not in love with you! Honesty and trust out the window! Why cant spouses be fair to each other? Instead of lying and treating someone they have been with like dirt!

  137. Correct

  138. Feeling doubtful, alone and unsure. My conscious and heart tell me something is occurring. A lot of red flags! I Love my wife and I feel that sometimes its all my fault because I could be better in a lot of ways. I don’t feel that she is in Love with me anymore. She loves me but as a good friend. We are not intimate that often and I would say that are active once every 3.5 to 4 months. I don’t see my wife that often because she is at work, either stays late or goes to gymnasium by the time she gets home, she is exhausted and the little time she left in the evening, she is on her cell phone. Her email accounts are blocked with passwords and the phone bill is blocked and the bill is electronically paid by her and I don’t have access. Feeling all alone and stressed out!

  139. he comes late from work and his salary drops off but he said he does overtime and he always lie

  140. I have been married for 13 years this feb.i aused to let my wife go here and there out with friends from the pta shes vpresident for.never had problems with trust.well she lied to me about somethi g dumb like going to get a tatoo. I dont have a problem with it cause we have always did it together but she said she was at a store and she lied about it. Second she started working and said she wanted to try another job out. I said ok. She said it was at a restaurant so i didnt worry. Well turns out it was a bar and she still was lying to my face..then i found a double name of lynn in her phone so i called 1 and it was lynn but the seco d was a guy from pta.what the fuck i said why would you hide it from me and put it u der a girls name. I am not stupid and after all this we have just been arguing and she blanes me for all this. I sit down and talk right in a right way to her and she always starts yelling and yelling and calling me stupid ass and all ki ds of stuff. I told her i need attention from her and all she does is yell when i ask simple questions. Shes been weari g nice clothes to work,shoes tighter pants and crap like that. I am not a dumb man and i know something is going on. I just cant catch her..I know in my heart something is wrong. Its like ahe wants attention from everyone else but me and i am just in her way…i just wish i had my wife back. She is vpresident of pta at my kids school and works till 8 at a bakery. I told her she dont have time for me and to quit 1 of those things but she gets mad and says that is her life and if i dont like oh well..she says she will gi e me time but when she gets home i try and make love, touch her and it always hirts her.. yea right i know i know but i just thought it was gonna be forwver you know. I never cheated on her in any way…..i miss my wife i married. Im sad and crying but she dont care…thats why im writing here i guess…..thanks

  141. After reading all these stuff.. i am thanking god i have never married and aint married.

  142. Need some insight bad! My husband and I have been married for 14 years, and we used to have a steamy relationship, but in the last several years it has slowed down, which upsets me but did not disrupt my life. about a year ago we had a horrible fight, and I said something to him that I kinda regret now, but I caught him on porn sites and he used the excuse that it was because of what I said. We talked about it and I thought it was done: only to find out he was heavily into dating sites and even paying for them. I found out that he changed his password, but I figured it out and got into some sites and saw how he was talking to these women like..nice ass, lets get to know each other, the list goes on and on. It hurt to see some of the things he was saying because he does not even talk to me that way. I felt like I was just a piece of crap. When I confronted him with what I saw, and even read some of the posts to him he sat there and lied and said I could not prove that was him, and he was ot on the dating sites. I grabbed his wallet only to find his credit cards matched the credit card number on the site. We talked it out after 2 weeks of not talking, and he began to tell me that it is not considered cheating, that it was just innocent flirting. If that was all it was, then why did it turn my life upside down? I decided to try and let it go, but told him if I see him on dating sites again, it was over. I put a tracker on his phone, but it was not always legit. Now, there is a new women at his factory that just started, and he mentioned it to me, but I did not think anything of it because he was saying she is hard to look at, and was kinda heavy. So he comes home the other night and tells me that she was following him around and asking questions all day, and he claims he did not like it because he is really busy, but she was hired as a safety control person, and should know a lot of these things she was asking my husband. This raises many questions for me, so I decided to look her up and see what she looks like because I have learned one thing…All you have to do is stay quiet and listen to them talk, they almost tell on themselves, and believe me..it was hard to keep my mouth shut. Anyway, I look her up, after he tells me he does not even know her name, and what do you know, she is pretty, and very easy to look at. So why did he even offer that information like I was accusing him of doing something? I knew nothing about her, he just offered up that info. I went balistic and showed the picture to him and he got a stupid smile on his face and says ” who is that”? He just lies,lies, lies! Now I have been trying to stay quiet and act like all is over, but if something is sparking between them I will probably never know because now he will know to keep his guard up, and they can spend time together at work and never see each other outside of work. I just dont know what to do, any advise will be appreciated.

    • You should have kept your mouth shut , sounds like you said something that triggered him to say Fuck it. Now you are backpedaling trying to repair what you said. Now with that said, it is no excuse to cheat and if he is lying all the time to you , then you need to find out what is causing him to lie to you. You also need to know that if he is using CC to gain entry to a dating site or hookup site then he is really in deep. Are you a stay at home mom ? wife? You could give him som echoices but you need to find out why he isnt attracted to you anymore. Do you dress the same as when you met? do you act controlling? you need to either let him screw up and catch him or put a stop to it like right away. Either way, good luck to you

      • I guess I should have explained myself better. My husband left me at home by myself after I just got home from hospital from having a blood clot. He felt the need to go drinking with his brother, so we ended up getting in a fight and I called him a piece of crap. I am not controlling with him, he comes and goes as he pleases, I just was unable to be alone when I got home from hospital, and I really felt that he should have been by my side. I do work, and I keep up with my appearance. I feel he may be getting bored. You are right though, I should learn to stay quiet and just listen because that is when I find things out. I am the kind of person that reacts without thinking, so if he is cheating… I will probably never know. He has been being really sweet the last several days, and I want to believe it is because he knows I am upset and he wants to work on things, but I have this nagging feeling in my gut that it is not the case. I want this feeling to go away, and it hurts me that he gets lost in his own world and does not REALLY listen to me talking. Thank you for your response Ice.

    • No worries, actually finding out is very easy, spyware on a mobile and a variable audio recorder will sometime produce undesired results. That said, I know at least for me that was a time of great confusion and feeling like no one on earth is going through what you are. You HAVE to replace what is missing in your relationship. When’s the last time you and him kissed passionately? Seriously, age has zilch to do with it. He is missing something that you are not providing. Think about this for a sec, give a guy a new gizmo like a tablet or smartphone what does he do? Yep, he is always looking at it, wanting to fin d a new feature. Get my point? Seriously, after 24 years of being married to my wife, I completely took that shit for granted and almost damn near lost my wife. That said of course is another story that was a success in the end. I opened my eyes and said wow, my wife inst that into me anymore, I wonder what I am doing. Social media plays a huge part in breaking up a lot of marriages and damn near cost me mine. Just saying there are a lot of avenues that can be traveled when temptation pops up. Work also is a cautionary tale and provides a new set of opportunities for the unfaithful. Anyhow I am in a rant but seriously, look under the hood ( Yourself ) and fix / repair / and replace any old parts. (Your heart of course not suggesting a boob job .. yet ) Merry Christmas and good luck.

  143. I agree with you, he was in the wrong and clearly didn’t value you. Always go with your intuition, and never break the golden rule of accusing without unquestionable proof. Thats the hardest thing to do. I went through 3 years of hell because I didn’t follow that rule, and it becomes nothing but a game of cat and mouse. I’m sorry for what your going through, but start thinking more about you now, since he doesn’t possess that ability any more.

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