How to Rebuild After an Affair: Step 3 Take Some Time

Before there can be reconciliation, there are three things that need to happen for true growth and rebuilding to occur:

  • No Contact,
  • Transparent Honesty,
  • Agreement to work on yourself and your marriage

I will write about those three topics in the Affaircare newsletter this coming weekend–Sunday October 14th!  If you want to hear more, please feel free to subscribe right there on the right sidebar.   But TODAY, the topic is how to rebuild after the affair has ended.  How do  you pick up the pieces and build a new marriage?  What steps should we take to start making a marriage that is mature, healthy, loving and happy for both of us?

Step One: Forgiveness

Step Two: Let’s talk about Commitment

Step Three: Take Some Time

When there’s been an affair in a marriage, there has been a HUGE disconnect between the two spouses, and after making the decision to forgive, and mutually agreeing to commit to doing the work necessary to rebuild the marriage, the next step is to take some time away – just the two of you – to reconnect in a positive way. Very often one of the two spouses will object, saying something like: “We can’t afford to take a vacation now” or “We don’t have time now; we have to work.” It is precisely this attitude that got the couple into the position to be vulnerable to an affair! If you think you can’t afford a vacation – can you afford to pay for two attorneys, two residences, and lose half of everything you own? If you think you don’t have time or you have to work – do you have time to be attend divorce court and divorce mediation and divorce conferences with your lawyer? This step is SERIOUS and this step is CRUCIAL.

Taking a little time to reconnect does not need to be a 14-day European vacation or cruise. It can be as simple as a long, 3-day weekend or asking grandparents to watch the children so you two have the house to yourselves! It’s nice if you can get away from home, though, so that the surroundings are different and neutral to the issues of the affair. The ideal situation would be to take a few vacation days, go to that fancy hotel you’ve always wanted to go to, or that secluded cabin in the mountains, and purposely have fun together. Prior to this, chances are good that the Disloyal Spouse had a primarily negative association with the Loyal Spouse, and likewise the Loyal Spouse painfully remembers the actions of the Disloyal during the affair. So this getaway is not for deep, emotional, relationship talks nor is it the time to demand sexual fulfillment. This getaway is to specifically do one thing: be with each other in a way that you both find enjoyable, doing things that you both find enjoyable. Find something that you both like to do, such as a sport, a game, or a hobby, and do it together. Reconnect and learn how to like being with your spouse again. If you both agree, make love—and if you’re not quite there, do the actions to rekindle love so you two can make love again. This starts a foundation of positive association, and this is a foundation upon which a new, healthy, happy, loving marriage relationship can be built.

This is post #10 in the CMBA 1/2 Marathon Blogging Challenge to post everyday for 13 days in October … AND is part of the Ultimate Blog Challenge!

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