AFFAIRCARE

…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.

Bible Verses to Save Your Marriage After an Affair

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Romans 6:23   “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 10:4  “Christ is the culmination of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes.”

John 3:16  For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Romans 10:9-10  “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.”

If you really want to save your marriage after infidelity, the thing that will help the most is being a Christian.  Our nature is to be sinful people, and the “wages” of that sin–the consequence–is eternal separation from God.  We are spiritually dead.  If you want, you can envision drowned people in a huge sea.  The ocean is the sin that we are in, and since we are drowned, we are dead and powerless to help ourselves.  Thankfully, God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to fulfill the Law and take the punishment of our sin in our place.  The price has been paid!  Those whom He has chosen, He picks them up from the death of drowning in sin, and He breathes life into them so they are able to believe and profess with their mouth that they have been saved from death!  So start here … with these verses. 

  

Matthew 19:26  “Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

It may seem hopeless, and it may feel futile and discouraging, to hold on to a marriage after infidelity, but there is hope.  God can change a person from the inside out.

Mark 10:6-9   “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

These verses give us some background that marriage was something ordained by God.  They also tell us a lot of facts about what God thinks about marriage.  They say we are to leave the authority of our father and mother’s home.  They say we are supposed to have a physical relationship.  They say husbands and wives are united … we are ONE.  And it says right there that man does not have the authority to tear marriage apart–only God has that authority.  So let’s keep in mind what God thinks about marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5  “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control”.

These verses show us that moral sexuality is pleasing to God.  Please note, however, that our sexuality is not self-centered–to get what we need–but rather SPOUSE-centered.  We are told our bodies belong to each other -AND- that we should not go without sex because we help each other with sexual self-control.  Have you been withholding sex to control your spouse?

1 Corinthians 10:13  “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”

This is a promise.  God IS faithful and He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But note that it doesn’t say it will be easy or that you won’t be hurt.  It says that others have been tempted by the same stuff that is tempting you, and that God will give you a way to deal with it.

Galatians 6:9   “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

Everyone gets tired…gets discouraged…feels dejected.  Do not give up.  Keep planting the seeds of doing good, even sometimes in the face of evil.  Do the right thing.

Ephesians 4:15  “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.”

This verse has to do with honesty and openness.  I’m sure you would LOVE it if your spouse or “soon-to-be-ex” was honest with you and openly let you into their life and heart.  But how honest are YOU with your spouse?  Do you “speak the truth” to them?  What about when you think they’ll get mad?  Do you lie to avoid their anger?  Speak the truth, lovingly.

Ephesians 4:32  “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

If you had gotten from God what you deserve, you would be spiritually dead.  If your spouse got from you what they deserve for their affair, they might be on the curb with divorce papers.  But God forgave you and gave you a way to be saved–can you forgive your spouse and give them a way to rebuild (if they are truly repentant)?

Philippians 4:13   “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

Oh this is probably one of the most misused verses in the Bible.  It DOES NOT mean that you can do whatever you want and God with give you the strength to do it.  It means that the things that please Him are not always easy…in fact it’s hard to resist our nature and live like a Christian!  But not only does God call us to obey, He also gives us the strength to do the things He asks.

Hebrews 10:24 “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.”

Believe the best of your spouse, and actively encourage them to do the right thing, obey God, and stop doing what they know is wrong.

Hebrews 13:4  “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”

Just so you’re not believing those crazy justifications like “We were called together so we could serve in the Youth Group Ministry”–here’s a verse that says right out that God is not pleased with adultery.  So you’re not nuts.  God does not tell people to break their covenant and be unfaithful in order to serve Him–just the opposite really. 

James 1:19   “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Did you notice something interesting?  It doesn’t say “No matter what, don’t ever, Ever, EVER become angry.”  It can be righteous to be angry, and anger handled correctly is not sinful.  But the big message here, of course, is to listen a lot more than you speak, and when you listen don’t just be plotting your response.

2 Peter 3:9  “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

The moment you sinned, God could have demanded the price from you immediately–He had the right.  But He was patient with your unfaithfulness to Him…and now you can model His behavior by being patient and giving your spouse every opportunity to do the right thing.

1 John 4:7-8  “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

Please do not be confused: Love is not the same as being a doormat.  Love does not mean “walk all over me.”  It means making the choice to act lovingly toward someone even with they are not acting too lovely, and it means doing what is in their best interests.  

Think of a parent who loves their child.  Does a loving parent just let their child steal a candybar in broad daylight from the grocery store?  OR does a loving parent see the theft and then let their child experience the repercussions of their action (taking the candy back, paying for it, being embarrassed) so that the child learns that stealing has painful ramifications?  If they let the child steal and just cover up the theft, the child will never learn the lesson!  

Same with adultery.  Being loving does not mean “pay no consequences”–it means that you will do what is loving and allow your adult spouse to live through the painful consequences to learn their lesson, but you don’t add vengeance and  spite.  Be loving–love them enough to do what is best for them.

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12 thoughts on “Bible Verses to Save Your Marriage After an Affair

  1. Awesome verses! When you ask yourself, “how could he have done it?” (and you will), these verses remind you that he is not the only sinner in the family. Thank God for His amazing grace, mercy, and forgiveness!

  2. I really liked your thought with Eph. 4:15….Self examination is hard, but not as hard as putting the truth of what we need to do to change into action. I also felt you conveyed what love endures to save marriage. Love doesn’t enable or condemn. Great post!

  3. Pingback: Is There A Secret Sin In Your Life Taking You Down The Wrong Road? « bummyla

  4. This is an excellent list, Cindy! Thank you for compiling it!

    A couple of great verses that have helped us in our recovery are found in Isaiah 43… verses 18-19:

    “Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past. “Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.

  5. Verses about marriage in the Holy Bible: http://www.holy-bibles.org/search5/marriage.htm

  6. Beautiful verses! They are helping me cope with the aftermath of infidelity.

  7. Amen…..To God be the glory knowing that God will fight my battles has given me acceptance to the things I can’t change and faithto hold on to God unchanging hand.

  8. Thank you Cindy for this post. I still haven’t decided yet if I can stay married to my husband, his infidelity is still new. Over the last couple of weeks my husband was arrested in a sting by trying to pick up a prostetute. I went to court with him after they rearrested him he called me and was begging me to ask a reverand friend ours for help getting him out of jail. I told him since I was driving I’d have to use his cell phone because I don’t have his number in mine. While trying to find the contacts I some how opened the text messages and came across several from another woman telling each other how much they loved each other and couldn’t wait to be together etc. Of course I got mad but I tried to think of our daughter and confronted him about it his first lie was that he didn’t have a clue what I was talking about then he told several more lies on top of it. He still hasn’t apologized for any of it yet he just says OK he was wrong and I need to get over it and let it go. I prayed for help to deal with it I have even prayed that god would forgive me for whatever sin I may have committed to cause him to go to other women. I don’t know what else to do though. I am still hurting and although I am no longer having vengeful thoughts I still can’t seem to completely forgive him. Do you have any suggestions? God bless you and thank you again. Sincerely Vickie.

    • Victoria,

      I took a little time to think over your comment, because I wanted to reply thoughtfully. Before I go any further, I would like to make it clear that your husband has treated you and your marriage with ENORMOUS disrespect. Clearly his actions are wrong, and his actions have broken the covenant of your marriage. The one justification that the Bible gives for divorce is “sexual immorality,” and I would say your case fits that exception…and if you do choose to divorce, it would be because his sexually immoral choices destroyed the covenant.

      One thing that stands out to me is that right now you are saying you can’t forgive him because he hasn’t apologized. Victoria, I would like to encourage you to listen to his ACTIONS rather than his WORDS. His words may even say ‘I’m sorry’ but right now he has demonstrated that he is fully capable of deceiving you with his words and also fully capable of saying one thing and doing another.

      So right now, do not listen to or accept his words–watch how he ACTS. Rather than looking for a verbal apology now, I would encourage you to look for apology via actions: namely that he IMMEDIATELY stops the affair, ends all contact with the other woman ever, ends all connection with the other woman (for example, if she is someone at work, he has to find a new job), and on his own accord places himself into some kind of accountability, such as counseling with the pastor, and DOES THE WORK! If his actions were like that, then he would be apologizing by the way he treats you. If he speaks to you and says flowery words, but does not act like that–then even if he did apologize it would not be the kind of true repentance where he turns his life around.

      Finally, when his actions demonstrate to you that he is actually sorry for what he has done (and not just trying to cover things up), then whether his words say it or not, you may find it easier to forgive. Everyone is human, even your husband, and he may have just made a whole string of very bad choices. Thus, even though you’be been betrayed, it can be more palatable to forgive when the disloyal spouse is actually BEHAVING in a different way! Now it’s also conceivable that he will not change and that he will continue to try to blame you for his choices and the destruction of the marriage. In that case, I do think God still wants us to forgive–after all He forgave us when we betrayed Him and while we were still active in our sin–but that kind of forgiveness is not condoning the continuation of sinful action. It’s forgiveness in the sense of letting go and allowing God to deal with the disloyal person.

      • Thank you again Cindy. I have taken your advice to heart and have realized that you’re right. His actions towards me these last several days have changed for the better. He is actually working with me on a couple of home projects instead of his usual ordering me to do it alone. He is even helping me more with our toddler. I may still need some time to figure out if he’s changing because he knows how badly he hurt me and how close he came to losing us. Or if he’s changing to cover up his affair further. But time will tell and I need to heal. So I am taking your advice and continuing to pray and let god be his judge in the end. I think that is probably the only way I can forgive is through trusting that God has my back in the end. God bless you. Thank you again.

  9. Cindy,
    My husband and I need help. Our situation is somewhat unique. First let me say that I was the one who committed adultery. My husband and I met when I was 17 and he was 18 at our job. Our beginning was a little complicated. I’m the Christian and he was not at the time. He deceived me enough for me to think that he was also a Christian and a virgin. But after we started our relationship it was revealed that he was neither. But I stayed and soon I found out I was pregnant. I was 18 at the time so my parents, though disapproving, couldn’t make me do anything. Time went by and two months after our daughter was born we were married. We got a place and things were good for awhile. But he didn’t listen when it came to being careful with sex and when our daughter was 5 months old I was pregnant again. That’s when things started to go downhill. He didn’t want to be home and I was almost constantly alone taking care of our daughter while pregnant and tired. Our son was born and he helped for about a month. But then I was forced to do everything by myself. He was also a big spender and I could barely keep us afloat by making him pay bills. When our son was 9 months old, I became pregnant again because he didn’t want to take precautions. When our son was about 15 months, he changed. We would later find out that he has autism. But I was forced to take care of our daughter, our son and his challenges all while pregnant and then caring for our infant son while he went out with friends and would stay out all hours of the night making me worry. There were rumors that he was fooling around, he has assured me recently that nothing ever happened. Over the next 6-7 years he was emotionally abusive and constantly pushed me away. I prayed and prayed and I was patient. I tried so hard and after losing two homes and countless overdue bills plus the neglect and starving for affection, I told him, about 5 years ago, that I was tired and wanted to leave. He broke down said he was sorry and did start to change. About a year later he was back to doing the same thing except now he got worse and we were constantly fighting. I started to hate him and wish he wouldn’t come home after being gone for so long and not answering my calls even when there were emergencies. So about a year ago, our best friend of 10 years told me how he felt about me and how he hated how I was being treated and one thing lead to another and we started an affair. At first it was just to wash away the pain and to feel loved. We fell in love and fell hard. We made plans and I asked for a divorce. My husband started to change and for the first time he actually saw the wrong he had done. But in my mind at that point was, “you’re too late.” I didn’t tell him about the affair. Then I found out about two weeks ago that I’m pregnant. And I had to tell my husband that I didn’t know who the father was. And I told him everything. Over the past two weeks we have talked and started to heal and I had to choose who I wanted to be with and I thought I wanted to be with our friend. But I came to realize how much I love my husband and all the hurt he caused me is what blinded me from seeing it. I have broken it off with our now ex-friend and the only reason we are keeping in touch is because I don’t know who the father is and if the other guy is the father I can’t keep him away from his child. My husband would love to just cut him out of our lives so we can heal but he understands that we can’t until we know for sure who is the father. We haven’t told anyone yet since it’s still new. We aren’t going to hide it. We’re just trying to find the right time since both our parents and siblings are busy people. My husband is seeking help on how to cope with the fact that we can’t just cut him out of our lives even though he really wants too. I am truly sorry that I cheated and I’m willing to move on and have asked for forgiveness. Any adivce would be greatly appreciated.

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