Posted by: Cindy at Affaircare | February 6, 2012

14 Days of Love Challenge

You know what’s funny?  I’ve always been the kind of gal who’s emotional, sentimental and romantic.  I keep things that remind me of good memories.  I appreciate a good poem, a tear-jerker chick flick, and a half gallon of Rocky Road as much as the next gal!  But to me Valentines Day has always seemed like a made up holiday, specifically made to stimulate “card sales” and as a kick in the pants for the flower economy.  ”What does all this have to do with infidelity?”  you ask?  Well…a lot!  I was looking at Valentines Day like I think most folks in western society look at love: like it should just naturally be gushy and romantic, with roses, lace and barbie-doll sunsets!   But in real life, “love” doesn’t just happen effortlessly.  In real life, love is a VERB and it is a decision…a very deliberate choice to act lovingly toward someone, especially the one to whom you’ve made a vow to “forsake all others.”

That’s where the Fourteen Days of Love Challenge comes in.  As I mentioned, Love is a VERB and that means it’s active.  For the first fourteen days of February, we have one loving activity each day on our Affaircare Romance Calendar….so that means today is Day Six already!!  For the first fourteen days of February, I challenge you to stop looking at what your spouse IS or IS NOT doing, and instead look at yourself.  What loving actions have YOU taken?  And for these 14 days, rather than doing nothing or wishing your spouse would be romantic or loving…YOU be loving!  When your spouse is not exactly wanting to be with you or not treating you in a loving way, the temptation is to say, “Fine then I won’t be nice back!”  No.  For the next week, leading up to the final day on Valentines Day, make the decision to be the kind of person who honors their promises and acts based on commitment rather than as a reward or punishment.  Be a loving person because that is WHO YOU ARE…not because some does or doesn’t do something to you.

Finally, some of the ideas on the Romance Calendar are geared for couples who are together, but as an example, if you look at Wednesdays and realize that you let TVs and computers and laundry turn your bedroom into a Family Room rather than a sexy haven…now’s the time to love by changing that!  Get some new pillows in rich, royal satin.  Move the PCs out and the incense in.  Get a new nighty and still be the loving, sexy person you are!   The idea of the calendar is to give you an idea…whet your whistle…and let your creative juices flow to suite your particular situation.  And don’t forget, your spouse is not the only person whom you can love during this 14 Days of Love Challenge:

Love Yourself–give yourself that loving gesture you need.  Take time, get to know yourself, and love who you are…and if you don’t love who you are at the moment, become the person you were meant to be.

Love Someone who needs it–do you have an aunt who’s all alone?  How about a old dog who’s been faithful all these years?  A best friend you haven’t talked to?  Love THEM by doing one thoughtful thing for them.

Love Something–love gardening, crocheting, working on your car, dog shows…whatever!  Do some activity that YOU used to just love and haven’t done for a long time.

Love a Stranger–this is especially true when it feels like your world is falling apart and you feel despair.  Go help out at a nursing home.  Feed homeless people.  Volunteer to read to blind children.  Suddenly you’ll realize that your life isn’t so bad after all and they will LOVE you for it.

So I’m laying down the challenge.  Who’s joining in?

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Posted by: Cindy at Affaircare | January 28, 2012

Have the courage to do something NEW in your marriage

The first month of the year is drawing to a close.  This is  a great time to turn over a new leaf and start afresh, but if you’re here reading on this blog, chances are good that you’ve been affected by infidelity in one way or another.  When your life has been turned upside down, it’s hard to even pull yourself together, much less do something “new,” isn’t it?  Yet, today I want to lay down a challenge to have the courage to do something NEW in your marriage.

The definition of insanity is “Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result”…and yet isn’t that often what we do in our marriages?  We have that “same old fight.”  We use the same old reasons.  We don’t budge and sometimes don’t even tell each other things because “we know what he/she will say” or “he/she will freak out.”  We give our spouse the cold shoulder or punish them for something they said or did.  On and on.  And you tell me:  How’s that working for you?  If your spouse is having an affair and your marriage is falling apart and your kids are being hurt, THIS is the year, and now is the time to do something NEW.

Doing something NEW can be really scary, though.  I realize that doing things the “same old” way may be hurtful and damaging, but at least you know what to expect.  Yes, you hurt your spouse and they hurt you when you two argue, but you know that if you say “THIS” they will counter with “THAT” and then you have justification to unleash “THE OTHER.”  It’s dependable, in a weird way, because we can depend on what will happen.  But doing something NEW means you may have to look at yourself.   Doing something NEW means that you don’t know WHAT is going to happen or HOW your spouse will react!  That uncertainty…that feeling of being unable to predict what your spouse is likely to do… can be virtually traumatic for some; nonetheless, I challenge you today to take that leap of faith and do something NEW!!

It starts in your mind…thoughts like: “I wish he/she would think of ME for a change and help me!”  or “I’m tired of doing everything while he/she sits around and does nothing!  I want to do nothing!”  To do something new with your mind, you can’t just hope that someday your thought patterns will change.  You have to do something NEW…think something NEW!!  Your thoughts will change when you make the decision to change them!  So when you find yourself thinking that old recording of negative thoughts about your spouse or thoughts that are centered on you…make the conscientious DECISION today to stop yourself and change that thought to something positive.  Now I do realize that when two people have gotten far down the negative spiral that it can be fairly hard to even think of something positive, but even if you have trouble thinking of one thing, remember this.  They could have picked anyone in the whole wide world, and they chose you.  Think in a NEW way regarding your spouse.  List their good qualities and memorize the list!

And speaking of changing your thoughts, I have a really BIG challenge for you to help you and your spouse become “unstuck.”  You know that argument you two have had over and over and over?  The one where you know your spouse is going to bring it up, and you know that “next time I’m gonna say THIS” and while they are talking you think about how you’re going to respond rather than listening?  The fight you’ve had a hundred times already and each time it goes the same way–down the drain?  Yeah THAT argument.  I’m not saying they are right and you are wrong, but the next time you two have “that argument” no matter what they say, I want you to say: “So it sounds like what you’re saying is…” and then paraphrase what they said.  Don’t agree.  Don’t say they are wrong.  Don’t say you are right.  Just summarize what they said (their “reason”) and see if you understand what they said.  THEN… just say “I’m going to consider what you’ve said.”  The end.  DO NOT say anything else.  Just let them know you will consider it and stop talking.  The mere fact that it did not go “the same old way (aka down the tubes)” may well be enough shock to bring life back into the discussion.    After all, think about.  Isn’t one of the big issues in THAT argument, the fact that you don’t feel “heard”?  Well you just “heard” your spouse and said you would consider them and their viewpoint…and that is the kind of thing that gets a marriage unstuck.

What starts in your mind continues in your mouth.  If your mind is thinking of yourself and is thinking unkind things about your spouse, chances are about 99 times out of 100 that your mouth will follow suit.  That means that things will come out of your mouth declaring that you’re “entitled” to a partner who helps you out and you “deserve” a spouse who makes you happy.  Your mouth will then follow with mean, hurtful, caustic words meant to cut your spouse to the bone and make them do what YOU want them to do.  Speaking to your spouse with those kinds of words is balancing on the verge of verbal abuse, and if you wouldn’t tolerate verbal abuse, why would they?  To change your words, you have to do something NEW.  Just like your mind, you have to make a choice and train your mouth to say things that are loving.  Hmmm…let’s see.  I Cor. 13 says: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”  Are these the kinds of words coming out of your mouth?  As your thinking changes, your words will begin to change too, but you can start right now, saying NEW words.  Words like “I love this about you” or “I feel happy when you…”  and when they do something–anything–say thank you!  Speaking to your spouse with at least the same level of courtesy as you would to a stranger is another thing that gets a marriage unstuck.

Finally, what starts in the mind and continues in your words will reflect in your ACTIONS–how you ACT toward your spouse.  This means that as your thoughts change to thinking of the things you appreciate about your spouse, and as your words say “thank you” and speak encouragement or support to your spouse…your actions will start to follow suit.  Love is not feeling butterflies in your stomach when you kiss…or feeling all jittery and excited when you know you’re going to see him/her.  LOVE (mature, intimate love) is treating a fellow human being in a way that is loving, because you made the commitment to act that way throughout all that life throws at you!  LOVE (mature, intimate love) is being transparently honest so your spouse can see the True You…and you seeing the True Them…and making the choice to behave in a loving way in spite of the fact that both of you are imperfect!  LOVE (godly love) is choosing to lay down our desires and natural inclinations and instead obey God.   And what does God say that LOVE acts like?  I Corinthians 13:4-8 “ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;  does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;  bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.”

So break the mold.  Having that “same old fight” the “same old way” and saying the “same old things” and getting the “same old reactions” may be destroying your marriage, but too many people are afraid to try something NEW because with the “same old, same old” they know what to expect–even if it is bad!  I challenge you to HAVE THE COURAGE to do something NEW in your marriage…tonight.

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Posted by: Cindy at Affaircare | December 27, 2011

Our year in review (questions you can ask your spouse)

It’s that time of year when bloggers are doing their “Year in Review” blogs…. yet to add a twist to this concept of reviewing the year gone by as we prepare for the New Year, I want to encourage you and your spouse to set aside some time, when you will not be disturbed, and look at your year in review.

When couples live together for a while, they can sometimes begin to think that they “know” their spouse, and they “know” what he/she thinks and feels. Even if this year you two have faced infidelity, or are facing unfaithfulness right now, please do two things: 1) set aside time to ask your spouse these question, and then 2) really LISTEN to your spouse’s response. It is natural that in order to justify their affair, your spouse will magnify everything that’s wrong with you and the marriage (how could they possibly cheat if things were good?). But it’s also true that assuming you “know” what they think and feel will lead to disaster! Even if it is with a grain of salt, LISTEN as your spouse explains to you what life is like–in their world…in their thoughts…in their feelings–because there are TWO of you in this marriage (not just you and what you expect).

So first, read over the questions and organize your own answers honestly and thoroughly. Be transparent so that your spouse sees the True You…but also please don’t forget to be kind. Second, one of you answer all of the questions, one-at-a-time, out loud. While one of you is answering, the other should only listen or ask clarifying questions. Then switch roles and the second spouse answers all of the questions, one-at-a-time, out loud…and while he/she is answering, the other should only listen or ask clarifying questions

Here are the questions (from “Getting to Know Your Spouse Better” by Brent A. Barlow on the Family Dynamics Institute website) :

  • In our marriage, I feel loved when you …
  • In our marriage, I feel appreciated when you …
  • In our marriage, I am happiest when …
  • In our marriage, I am saddest when …
  • In our marriage, I am angriest when …
  • In our marriage, I would like more …
  • In our marriage, I would like less …
  • In our marriage, I feel awkward when …
  • In our marriage, I feel uneasy when …
  • In our marriage, I feel excited when …
  • In our marriage, I feel close to you when …
  • In our marriage, I feel distant from you when …
  • In our marriage, I feel most afraid when …
  • My greatest concern/fear about our marriage is …
  • What I like most about myself is …
  • What I dislike most about myself is …
  • The feelings that I have the most difficulty sharing with you are …
  • The feelings that I can share most easily with you are …
  • Our marriage could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we …
  • The one thing in our marriage that needs the most immediate attention is …
  • The best thing about our marriage is …

 

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Posted by: Cindy at Affaircare | December 26, 2011

Luke 2 – The Birth of Jesus

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world.  (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.)  And everyone went to their own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David.  He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born,  and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.  An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.  When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child,  and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them.  But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

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Posted by: Cindy at Affaircare | December 19, 2011

Ten things you DON’T have to do during “The Holidays”

Here it is–”The Holidays”–and as if the stress of all those parties, decorating, presents, relatives, and the expectation to make the Holidays “perfect” were not enough, your spouse is having an affair and everything has turned upside down!  When your spouse has turned into their Evil Twin, and they are trying to say the kids are okay sharing the holidays with the Other Person, and you feel everything you believed in has been shaken and crumbled…HOW are you supposed to get through The Holidays?  I’ve noticed lately that when I write an article, I tend to write almost a whole book, so in an effort to make it easier and a little shorter, here are ten things you just DO NOT have to do this year during The Holidays, while your spouse is having an affair:

1.  Pretend like “everything is okay.”  It is okay to tell some people–like a supportive sister, a pro-marriage friend, or someone you trust–that things just are NOT okay.  It’s also okay to let your kids know that this Christmas you feel sad and so it may not quite be exactly like some of the other years.

2.  Compete with your spouse (or soon-to-be-ex) over the kids.  They are just as much a parent in your kids’ lives as you are, and yet it’s not a competition to see who can spend more to buy their love.  The kids know which parent puts them to bed at night, helps them with homework, makes dinner, and takes time to actually be with them…and no amount of presents can buy that.  So if your unfaithful spouse buys your kids a bunch of stuff…let your kids enjoy the stuff they’ve been blessed with.  It’s not a competition and their love can’t be bought.

3.  Buy a gift for every branch of your family tree, all your co-workers, and everyone you’ve ever known.  Some gifts can be hand made.  Some gifts can be baked.  And the financial fact is that this year you may just have to trim that list back with a hedge-clipper. Well, so be it!  Christmas is about helping folks less fortune and celebrating the birth of the Savior–not “bigger, better, more expensive” presents.

4.  Put on the “perfect Christmas feast for 20″ all by yourself.  This year let someone else host the feast…or if it has to be at your house, ask for some help or hold it pot luck!  One year I told all my friends they could come and share food and caroling but in order to come in the door they had to bring something to share for six others.  Use paper plates….no one will care!

5.  Go into debt to buy presents.  So your spouse and the other woman are buying your kids a trip to Disneyland, huh?  Or a new touchscreen cellphone with unlimited minutes?  Don’t try to outdo them or go into debt to keep pace.  Give what YOU can afford to give and give it with love.  Take them ice skating and to hot chocolate afterward…for free!  Go tobogganing and let them laugh over mom/dad going over a bump!

6.  Go to every single holiday event to which you are invited.  Just learn to say no.  There is only so much that you can do, and it’s hard enough to sleep anyway!  Pick certain events that have a deep meaning to you (like your kids’ performances and that one church service) and to all the rest say “Thanks for thinking of me, but this year I’m afraid I need to say no.”  It’s okay.

7.  Make 12 dozen cookies for “Bobby’s class” when 3 dozen will do.  Actually I don’t need to explain this one, do I?  We all do this and demand so much more of ourselves than necessary.  Just look at the things you DO choose to do, and ask, “Am I going overboard here?  Am I holding myself to unrealistic expectations?”  If so, then get back to reality!

8.  Keep up with the Jones’ and light up your house like the Griswold’s.  Okay the lights on the house, and the perfect tree, and the garland, and the cards, and the candles, and the pine cones…OY!  It can be exhausting.  Pick the top three that are “must do” for you,  and do those three.  Then one by one add the next decorations if you have the energy–and if not, then don’t stress.  Maybe this year rather than sleighing to the forest to hand chop the perfect tree, allow yourself to go to the little tree place in town and pick a pre-cut one for $20.  Hey why not?

9.  Be perfect, look perfect, or “be happy all the time.”  Here’s the truth: your spouse is having an affair and is with another person and no part of you feels “perfect.”  So don’t try to make yourself be or look “happy”!  If you feel sad, on the occasion feel sad.  If you don’t feel like wearing red and green and being jolly, then be who you are and feel how you feel and let some people know.  Okay comb your hair and brush your teeth, yes.  Put on new, clean clothes every day, yes.  Be happy because it’s “The Holiday“?  NO!  Do the best you can, and maybe this is the perfect year to start a new tradition of NOT doing something just because you don’t feel like it this year.

10.   Eat only cookies, chocolate, and eggnog while staying up all night trying to get everything done.  This time of year is notorious for bad eating and sleeping habits.  Yes it’s easy to grab, but don’t grab just those two cookies for breakfast…or only coffee with eggnog creamer either!  If you want to have any energy at all it is important to remember that you need to eat nutritiously and get rest.  So, eat your fruits and vegetables and go to bed at 9pm if you feel tired.  It’s okay.

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Posted by: Cindy at Affaircare | November 24, 2011

The new I.T. department…

I.T. stands for Indeed Thankful, and as we celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday here in the USA, I’ve been pondering what “giving thanks” means, and I wanted to take time to thank the people who have helped Affaircare become what it is today.

First, a word on giving Thanks.  A friend on my personal facebook page posted a thought she read from Joni Eareckson Tada, and I know I won’t get the quote exactly right but the thought was amazing.  For those who don’t know, Joni was 17 years old when she had a diving accident that left her a quadriplegic.  After months of therapy she began painting with her teeth and became a renowned artist…which then lead to become a world-known advocate for the disabled and especially those in wheelchairs.  What ISN’T so well known is that for the first several months  she wanted to forget about “living” and just sit in a dark room!  Then she saw the verse I Thessalonians 5:18 “In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” and thought “Oh you could not POSSIBLY mean I should give thanks for this!!!!!”  Naturally that is exactly what God meant–not that we should “feel” thanks but rather GIVE thanks to Him (and here’s where the quote came in).  That’s because while we worry about “how are we going to eat?” or “where are we going to live?” or “what will we wear?”…God has given us the gift of air to breathe, light to see, and salvation.  ALL OF THE REST  is literally just blessings!!  If God gave you a tough marriage–you are alive and His child, and He is going to teach you to be more like Him through this struggle.  If God gave you a disease or an injury–you are alive and His child, and He is going to teach you to be more pleasing to Him through that affliction!

So thinking of Joni’s concept, that God has given us air to breathe and salvation, and that ALL OF THE REST is literally blessings…we have a LOT to be thankful for!!  And that’s what this post is all about.  As I mentioned above, I.T. stands for Indeed Thankful, and here at Affaircare we are indeed thankful for many people that God has used to bless us and to bless Affaircare.  What we ask is that if you are tagged below, please dedicate a post (or a Facebook status update, or Tweet) to those in your life for whom you are Indeed Thankful, and link back to us so we can see who you’re thankful for.

Personally my thanks has to start with the folks over at Marriage Builders.  Back at the turn of the millennium  my own first marriage ended due to my ex-husband’s affair, and I swear I would not have survived without them.    Through MarriageBuilders, I learned some basic concepts about infidelity and took their whole training weekend and that is what piqued my interest in helping couples recover after an affair.  So we have to give MB their props and say, “Thank you!”  We are Indeed Thankful for you.

Those folks over at Engaged Marriage where the next folks to come along and bless Affaircare.  That’s Dustin Reichman with his better half–making him look good!  Anyway Dustin is a younger fella, passionate about having a good marriage and a bit of a Twitter guru…so when I first made the Affaircare Twitter account he was one of the first pages I followed and I pretty much copied him ever since!  Dustin is energetic, a little crazy, helpful and has topics ranging from finances to family planning.  So thanks Dustin–you inspired me.

Okay this next couple doesn’t just inspire me…they turned into actual “cyber friends”. We’ve never met in person but boy, if Stu and Lisa are ever in Oregon, they are welcome to stop by! Stu and Lisa Gray are the people behind Stupendous Marriage and boy let me tell ya–they have it going on!  Their site is a blog and in addition they include podcasts of their Stupendous Marriage Show.  I met Stu and Lisa back in the day with “The Marry Blogger” and what impressed me was the way they both wrote about a struggle that so many have an no one talks about–porn.  They were open about both sides of the issue (husband’s side/wife’s side) and honest about the ways it can skew your thinking and make you expect things from your real life spouse that…well they just aren’t real!  So that kind of raw honesty impressed me, and I knew that God wanted me to be just as raw and honest about infidelity.  So I am Indeed Thankful for Stu and Lisa…and for Stupendous Marriage.

Handmaiden LiveThis lead me to Courtney Scott.  Now for those who don’t know Courtney, you are in for a treat…and a wild ride.  Put on your seatbelt because you’re about to meet a dynamo!  Courtney is the lady behind Headaches of a Holy Handmaiden and she has a website, blog and radio show!  Like Stu and Lisa, she spoke transparently about the pain of finding that her “perfect Christian husband” was involved in same sex infidelity, their subsequent divorce, and her struggles along that road.  She’s not just a cyber friend or an inspiration, Courtney is a sister, and she has made a world of difference–we are Indeed Thankful!

This post would not be complete without mentioning the Institute of Nouthetic Counseling and the The Institute for Biblical Counseling & Discipleship.  Although they do not have a blog, these two “institutes” were instrumental in helping David and I realize that our focus, as Bible-believing, mature Christians, has got to be to help counsel couples using the tools that the Bible has given us to address issues about marriage and adultery.  At the I.N.S. (run by Jay Adams and Donn R. Arms) we learned about what Nouthetic Counseling even *is* and that there is a National Association of Nouthetic Counselors.   At I.B.C.D. we took our courses and furthered our education.  For these two organizations, who were instrumental in teaching us, we are Indeed Thankful.

Finally, I end with some newfound friends and co-workers in advocating for marriage.  Affaircare is Indeed Thankful for Tom and Debi Walter over at The Romantic Vineyard.  Just so you know…they started it (or should I say “I.T.”? LOL).  Their blog has influenced us with how to have a site that is kind, loving, friendly and honoring to God and godly marriages.  Personally, I love they way they made sections on their site relate to a vineyard…like the “Cellars” Store, the Wine Press (for the blog), and the Tasting Room… but beyond that, the style there is so laid back and yet chock full of wisdom and beauty.  So yep, tag back <wink> and we are Indeed Thankful

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Posted by: Cindy at Affaircare | October 24, 2011

How do affairs begin?



So your spouse has been behaving a little unusual lately, and that “little red flag” gut feeling is telling you that something isn’t right.  S/He is spending hours on the PC or cell phone, working late, dyed their hair, and is wearing clothes that are… well unbecoming to someone their age!  Plus every time you move, breathe or talk, they are picking a fight and blaming you for everything.  In your heart of hearts, you KNOW there’s something going on….but how did it come to this?

Our article “How Do Affairs Start?”  goes into greater detail (read it if you have a moment), but this week we’re starting a series on Love Extinguishers  © .  Throughout the next two weeks we’ll be examining how a marriage gets to this point and going over each Love Extinguisher  ©  one-by-one.  But in order to understand WHY the Love Extinguishers are important, we have to start at the beginning–how affairs begin!

Let’s start at the very, VERY beginning.  In each marriage there are three entities: you, your spouse, and “the marriage.”  Each one of the three are taken care of by a delegation of time and energy.  You have to take the time to care for yourself so that you develop and grow; you make the effort to care for your spouse so they also become the best person they can be; AND the two of you invest time and energy into your marriage so that it also grows and thrives.

For example, think back to the days when the two of you first met–let’s say it was “in school” whether that means high school or college.  She spent time doing her hair so it looked pretty, wearing clothes that fit well, listening to and laughing at his jokes, hanging with him at the games or dances (or in his room), taking walks and holding hands, kissing, looking happy when she got to see him, acting attracted to him, writing him silly love notes or texting love messages…the list goes on and on!  Look at all the time invested!!  Likewise he spent time wearing some tight-fittin’ jeans and slicking back his hair, talking to her and really opening up, hanging with her even if it means going to a kitten show, taking walks and holding hands, kissing, seeing her and smiling, acting like she is a goddess, writing her love poems that were SOOOOO mushy…the list goes on and on for him too.  So you can see that in the beginning especially, a lot of time and thought is invested not only in each person being the best they can be, but also in making the relationship grow and prosper.

“How does this relate to affairs?” you ask?  Well,  it helps to explain how a marriage can go from “I, John, take you, Sue, to be my lawfully wedded spouse” to “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”  Envision that your marriage is a bonfire.  There are actions that stoke the fire and build it–making it hotter and hotter–and those would be actions like the examples above.  We call those actions Love Kindlers, and to be honest most marriage counselors and coaches understand Love Kindlers.  ”You need to date again” they’ll say, or “You need to communicate to rebuild the love.”  But the part they often miss, or don’t discuss much are the actions we call Love Extinguishers  © .  Love Extinguishers  ©  are the actions that little-by-little pour water on the flame and put it out.  Some Love Extinguishers  © are little drops of water.  Some are cups of water and do a little damage.  Some are a kids bucket and do enough damage that the marriage is in jeopardy.  And some are swimming pools of water and put out the fire almost completely.

Now back to the topic of the post: how affairs begin.  The happy couple meets.  They spend TONS of time together and invest energy into the relationship, and sure enough, love blooms.  They see only the best side of their beloved, and don’t see some of the character flaws and personal issues their partner has.  Up to this point, all has been Love kindlers, kindlers, kindlers–and they get married.  During that first year, he discovers that she doesn’t really live within a budget AT ALL and she realizes that he expects to do no housework.  Some of their spouse’s flaws are revealed AND some of their own expectations are brought to light as well.  Most new couples think love will “conquer all” and don’t even consider that one of them would cheat. “Oh sure that happens to other people, but our marriage is different and special and it would never happen to us!” they think.

Then enter just a few Love Extinguishers  © .

The one works to put the other through college so they could get ahead in life, and they always thought that his/her sacrifice would be paid back worth it “someday” when they were “successful.”  Meanwhile, one spouse works and works, thinking that he/she was “providing for the family” and doing it to get ahead.  The other spouse is involved with their own college, work or activities and forgets to take time for their spouse.  In fact, when they do see each other, they complain their spouse wasn’t helping out with the shared household chores enough.  The working spouse didn’t invest time into the marriage and begins working longer and longer hours at work.  Sometimes they didn’t even see each other awake for DAYS…and when they did, one or the other of them had negative things to say. Maybe she’s not a great money manager (or the opposite, a controlling penny-pincher); when he’s home he’d rather sit in front of the TV or PC to veg out.  They don’t talk anymore…and the Love Extinguishers  © are dribbling on the fire. Then more Love Extinguishers  © are added–kids are born and there’s even LESS time together; she gains some weight and he wear sweats; he yells at her about bills and she disrespects his job; he wants sex and she doesn’t feel connected to him so she resents it.  The Love Extinguishers  ©  are getting to be less like a drip and more like a downpour.

Right about then…enter stage left the Other Person. Other Person is a colleague at the Disloyal Spouse’s office, a classmate in a college class, or an old romance from “way back when” found on Facebook.  The Other Person has no Love Extinguishers  © because they are putting forth their best image. The Other Person is happy to hear from them–they dress up/look nice and wear cologne–whereas the Loyal Spouse at home wears jeans and a t-shirt. The Other Person knows all about work or the class, cares about what the Disloyal Spouse does, knows how hard it is, listens to what the Disloyal Spouse struggles with, and probably spends 8 hours a day with them–whereas the Loyal Spouse is bored hearing about work or school, has no idea what goes on, and spends hardly any time with Disloyal Spouse.  Pretty soon, the Disloyal Spouse starts talking to Other Person about a fight that he/she had with the Loyal Spouse the night before…and Other Person is understanding and takes their side. Then Disloyal Spouse starts going with the Other Person to work conferences or extra-curricular activities and kind of “seeks out” OP and sits by him/her at lunch.   Soon, they are talking like teenagers at lunch–phoning each other on the cell phone “for work”–and emailing all night long.  Part of the Disloyal Spouse is thrilled that someone else thinks they’re neat! They are happy…and a little love zing of amphetamine hits their brain. Then they flirt a little and the Other Person flirts back! And pretty soon after that, one of them mentions that they have feelings for the other … and that’s it. The decide they are “in love” and kiss.

So there you have it–the affair is in full swing.  Thus is it really, REALLY rare for an affair to be about sex. What happens is that, for both men and women, their spouse has little-by-little stopped doing the Love Kindlers they used to do, and instead they have introduced Love Extinguishers  ©  that are drowning out the fire of love.  On the other hand, the Other Person is giving nothing but Love Kindlers, and since their Love Kindlers are being met they feel blazing hot feelings for the person that spill into wanting to do physical things to express that fire.  You can see why, as the Loyal Spouse, not only do you need to start doing Love Kindlers again (that would be a start) but you also need to look at your own self…at your own actions…and stop doing those Love Extinguishers  © !!  Otherwise, as soon as you add a kindler to the fire, you put it out with a bit of water and the fire doesn’t really build.

SOOOOO….this week we begin a series of self-examination:  Love Extinguishers.  

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Posted by: Cindy at Affaircare | October 4, 2011

Want to be intimate with your spouse? Day Two.

It’s Day Two of the 15 Minute, 15-Day Marriage Challenge over at Making Love in a Microwave .   Dear Hubby © and I did Day One (and we’ll tell you all about it at the end of this post!) and now we’re staring down the barrel of Day Two.

The Marriage Tip of the Day is about Communication: “If you want to have effective communication in your marriage, you need to not only talk to one another. You need to know how to listen and how to be heard. It is also important for a couple to share their feelings and not just facts with one another.“

As I mentioned yesterday, I’m coordinating with the Affaircare FB page, Twitter, and Romance Calendar to all reflect one thing we can do for 15 minutes that day… to meet the challenge!  Today’s topic has to do with communicating not only facts (…like, “I’ll be back around 7pm from the prayer meeting.  Will you please put the load in the dryer?”) but also communicating feelings, and I thought this naturally leads to thinking about intimacy!

So often, in our marriages, we long to be loved by someone for who we truly are, and we even crave sex (which some people call intimacy), but to be truly INTIMATE with your spouse, you have to be open and honest about who you are, what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling.  I call that being “Transparent” because you are being “see through” and letting your spouse see the True You–warts and all!    Sometimes being transparent can be really scary because you’re afraid your spouse will be angry or because you have made assumptions about how they might react if they knew “what you really thought” or “how you really felt.”  So instead you pretend.    You pretend you’re okay with it when really you are not.  You pretend you want to move when really you don’t.  You pretend their raging didn’t hurt you.  You pretend “the kids will be okay.”  You pretend you are being a good husband or wife.  You pretend…and by pretending you prevent the very intimacy that you crave: that rock-solid, committed, faithful, affectionate confidant who is so close to you and knows you so well that the closeness is expressed physically.

Today, for Day Two–let’s stop pretending.  Make the choice to take 15 minutes or more out of your day, put everything else down, and share with your spouse one feeling that you have been keeping to yourself.  Give your spouse a safe place to share one of their feelings, and thank them for being brave enough to be transparent.

DAY ONE RECAP:

Dear Hubby © and I found Day One to actually be fairly easy. I think we are a fairly unique case though, because we both work from home (by choice), and we sit right next to each other all day! Of course, I also can not think of anyone whom I’d rather be with than Dear Hubby © either. We actually are best friends and have so many common interests that it’s pretty easy.

But for our Day One we actually set aside some special time. We have a little bedtime “ritual” that we read the bible together, then we lay in bed and talk, so we used our bedtime talktime to cuddle up a little bit and review our day by saying one thing we liked…and one thing we didn’t like and how we would change it.

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Posted by: Cindy at Affaircare | October 3, 2011

Day One: 15 Minute, 15-Day Marriage Challenge

 

I have a new friend over at Making Love in a Microwave (funny name–you should go check it out and see how she got that name) has thrown down the gauntlet and issued a marriage challenge, so being the competitor that I am, I’ve decided to take her up on it.   In fact, not only are Dear Hubby and I going to do this personally, we’re inviting all of YOU to also join us in the 15 Minute, 15-Day Marriage Challenge.    I bet you can guess the challenge.  For the next 15 days, set aside just 15 minutes specifically for your spouse and your marriage. There are rules (aren’t there always?) but they are pretty easy:

  1. Leave a comment below letting us know that you’re participating–then pop over to Aja’s page and leave a comment too!
  2. Devote 15 minutes a day, every day, throughout the challenge. If you’re apart for business or something, try 15 phone minutes or 15 Skype minutes.  Find a way to make it work.
  3. Spend the 15 minutes engaged with one another. Sitting next to each other watching TV in silence doesn’t count.
  4. Sex does count, but if it’s a quickie that takes less than 15 minutes- fill it out with some pillow chat or something.
  5. Don’t try to be perfectionists! If you haven’t really been spending time together at all you may even feel a little awkward. You may get interrupted. For one reason or another, things may not go as planned. Have fun with it and just do it.
  6. If you have a spouse that’s unwilling, use the time to work on your marriage by yourself. Sounds strange to say, but choose this time to try and be the best husband or the best wife you can be.

Okay…so today is Day One.  Since there are no specific things we have to do, I’m going to suggest that we coordinate the Affaircare FB page, Twitter, and Romance Calendar to all reflect one thing we can do for 15 minutes that day… to meet the challenge! Today’s marriage tip was to Just Sit Together, and the Romance Calendar had Movie Monday today–HER choice.  So I suggested that today we take 15 minutes out of our day to put EVERYTHING ELSE DOWN and just sit by our spouse, hold their hand, and listen to them as if we care!  Seriously, when was the last time we treated our spouse as if we LIKED them and were their friend?  Remember “back-in-the-day” how much you used to look forward to being together?  And when they would talk, you would listen as if you were their friend and really cared for them and what they were saying?  Let’s bring that back!

So today–MAKE THE CHOICE to take 15 minutes or more out of your day, put everything else down, let your spouse talk, and listen to what they say (rather than when they’re gonna get done so you can tell them about you).  LOL!  Be on your spouse’s side.  Be their friend.

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Posted by: Cindy at Affaircare | September 7, 2011

Disloyal Crazy Babble–how to decode it and how to respond

Your spouse is involved in at least an emotional affair at work–and it may even have gone physical. You look at them and they still LOOK like the person you fell in love with and married–but in no way, shape, or form does the alien in front of you, screaming about how miserable they have always been and blaming it all on you, have anything in common with the person whom you know as your spouse. It’s as if some other person has invaded their body, like “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” and inserted a different personality into the body of the person who would have previously been described as “kind, thoughtful and loving.” They went from being on PTA and being “a good Christian” to living at the bar and committing adultery, all while blaming you! Now words come out of their mouth that literally make NO SENSE and you have to wonder to yourself, “Are you even aware of what you just said, because it is literally unbelievable!”

Does anyone recognize what I’m talking about? Has anyone else had a disloyal spouse that would speak and the things that come out of their mouth just are not true, are definitely not logical, and you can’t help but think, “Oh you could not possibly have thought about what you’re saying because it is not even close to reality!”? This phenomena is actually to-be-expected, or at least it is very common, in a disloyal spouse, and just to identify it, I call this “Disloyal Crazy Babble” (or “Babble” for short).

In psychological terms, Disloyal Babble has it’s roots in denial (that is the Disloyal does not want to face the truth) but as Christians we know the full truth: that Disloyals know that being unfaithful is sinful, but they want to keep doing it! Thus, they create a whole world and life that justifies why doing what they know is sin…is okay for them–as if the moral law has an exception or can be changed for their specific circumstances. Psychology might also say that Disloyal Babble has to do with projection (that is the Disloyal projects their own actions, thoughts and feelings onto others not recognizing they are the ones doing exactly what they accuse others of doing) but again as Christians we know that this too is tied to sin and wanting to justify doing what they know is wrong. Nonetheless, sometimes the things that a Disloyal spouse says when they “babble” are just MYSTIFYING! They can’t possibly really believe what they just said…or maybe they just didn’t listen to themselves and think before they spoke? When a Disloyal is saying things like that–things that just make NO sense and are so completely unrealistic it makes your head spin–what do you do? How does a Loyal Spouse ‘combat’ the nonsense? Here are a few tips!

1. The first tip is actually an easy one: agree with them. Often the Disloyal will say outrageous things with the intent of pushing your buttons so you’ll react…and then they can project blame on you. For example a very common Disloyal Babble would be something like: “Who could love a person like you? You’re controlling and verbally abusive.” (See how the Disloyal is poke the Loyal hoping for an angry response?) So rather than disagreeing and giving them what they want… agree. It takes the wind right out of their sails! And I’m not suggesting you take all the blame they’re dishing out. No–rather I suggest you just agree. “It would be hard to love someone who is controlling or verbally abusive, you’re right” or “Hmmm…maybe you have a point there. Could be that you’re right.” This technique disarms them and does not say you actually ARE controlling or abusive, just that it’s true–it would be hard to love that kind of person!

2. The second tip is similar to the first: agree with them and twist it back on them. This one takes a little practice but like the first tip, it disarms the Disloyal and completely shines a light of clarity through the affair fog! In this example, if the Disloyal were to babble: “Who could love a person like you? You’re controlling and verbally abusive” rather than just agreeing, you turn it back on them! “You’re right. Who could love a person like you who is controlling and abusive” or “You’re right. You are controlling and abusive.” This technique is PARTICULARLY useful for those moments when the Disloyal Babble is clearly projection! This may not necessarily disarm their attempt to poke and start a fight (after all, you are holding up a mirror and showing them their own reflection) but it does sometimes at least show them that their choices and their actions are exactly what they claim is so horrible about you!

3. The final tip is also easy and a little funny: say “Huh?” and then ask when or what? So again let’s use our example: “Who could love a person like you? You’re controlling and verbally abusive.” Rather than fighting or disagreeing, just look at the Disloyal, all confused and innocent and say “Huh? What did you mean?” You are not agreeing with what they said, but you are throwing them off balance and asking that they REPEAT the silly thing they just said. Often just the action of *thinking* about the words that just came out of their mouth is enough to stop the babble in it’s tracks!

NOTES TO SELF:
Don’t assume it’s a permanent, long-term truth. We all know that Disloyal emotions and plans change day-by-day (if not moment by moment) and if they say they would “never be married to you” one minute, they’ll be saying they want to move back home the next. Just recognize it for what it is–verbal vomiting.

Don’t take it personally. Even though their words say that “you” are this or that (insert hurtful adjective here), a Disloyal spouse rarely actually is thinking of the Real You and address You. Usually they are thinking of themselves and you are sort of an illusion in their head of what they have created to justify their affair. Just recognize that that hurtful adjective is not you.

Don’t always assume it is babble. Disloyal babble can be exceedingly hurtful but it’s been my experience that what they state usually has about a 1% truth factor–so before you just dismiss it as babble and worthless hot air, take a moment and look at yourself in the mirror and be honest with yourself. If there is an issue…work on it.

Soooo…how about a few “real world” examples of Disloyal Babble and how to respond:

I need my own space.  – “I agree, I need my own space too.”

I love you but I am not in love with you. — “Huh?  What does that mean?”

You need to move on. — “You’re right I do need to move on.  In order to do so I would need a place to live, a place to care for the kids, and an enforceable financial commitment from their other parent.”

Go get the Divorce. I don’t want to be married to you anymore. – “You’re right.  It would be hard to be married to someone like you.”

Why won’t you talk to me? Don’t you love me? (when the loyal spouse is in ‘No Contact’) — “Huh?  When did you give me 100% of your affection and loyalty?”

I’m not giving you more money!  Where is all the $$ I gave you? — “Huh?  Oh are you willing to show me where you spent your money now?”

You are so fat, if you lose weight I would come home.  –  “You’re right.  I have gained some weight over 25 years and I was meaning to address that.  Thanks for reminding me!”

You can’t come over to my house without permission. — “You’re right.  You can’t come over to my home without my permission.”

I can’t trust you.  – “You’re right.   You haven’t acted in a trustworthy way.”

You ruined my life.  – “I can see how living with a faithful person would ruin your life.”

She is just a friend.  –  “Huh?  When did she tell you to give 100% of your affection and loyalty to me?”

I was planning on leaving way before the affair.  – “You’re right.  I thought about leaving long before you had your affair.”

This is for the good of the kids. – “Huh?  When do kids’ grades increase and psychological issue decrease when their parents divorce?”

You are crazy. —  “You’re right.  You are not acting very sane.”

It was never the same with OP (other person) as you.  -  “You’re right.  The OP has never been blamed by you or had to pay bills with you.  It’s not the same.”

It isn’t you, it’s me.  – “You’re right.  It’s not me…it’s you.”

She’s a great woman and mother (talking of the OW). — “Huh?  When does knowingly committing adultery with a married man make someone a great woman?”

You are terrible in bed. —  “You’re right.  That’s something I had hoped to work on.  Do you have any specific suggestions?”

I didn’t come back for you, I came back for the kids and house. — “You’re right.  I’m mostly staying for the kids and the house too so I know how you feel.”

I have strong feelings for him/her.  –  “Huh?  What you mean you developed feelings because you spend so much time with him/her?”

I am moving out to clear my head. – “You’re right.   You need to move out so I can think clearly.”

OP made me feel alive. S/He made me feel like me. — “Huh?  When did being with someone who will lie and cheat make you feel like yourself?”

I’ve worn a mask for 15 years. — “HUH?  What you mean is that the 15 years of being a moral person were fake, and the 6 months of committing adultery is the real you?”

If I see him/her one more time, it will be the last.  – “You’re right.  If you see him/her one more time, it will be the very last time you see me.”

I didn’t tell you because of the way you act. — “You’re right.  I also didn’t tell you things because of the way you react.”

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