Have you been able to forgive your Disloyal Spouse? If so, how did you do it? If not, what is stopping you?
I was listening to a podcast from two of my favorite people: Lisa and Stu Gray from STUpendous Marriage, and the top of their podcast this week was “How Can I Forgive My Spouse?” Honestly I thought that was a great question! Exactly how IS someone supposed to forgive their spouse when their spouse is the one they trusted the MOST, and trust was betrayed? Even when the Disloyal Spouse is repentant and ends their affair and wants to reconcile…HOW do you forgive?
Stu and Lisa have some great thoughts such as “Forgiveness takes time” and “We have to forgive them every day”…I’ll let you listen to their podcast to hear their thoughts. But I thought it might be useful and helpful to look at some Bible verses about forgiving others and comment directly on verses.
Matthew 5:23-24 NIV
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
Comment: The main thing to learn from this verse is that these are words from Jesus, who is telling us what is important to God–he’s indicating what is a priority. Although God is indeed pleased by offerings at the altar, note that Jesus tells us that offerings are nice, but RECONCILING with a brother (or sister) is priority over giving gifts. Who is a closer brother or sister than your spouse? If your spouse has something against you, it says to leave the offering and go be reconciled first. And notice this too–Jesus says that the one who did something against the brother is to be the one initiating the reconciling and putting action into it. Don’t just say “Oh sorry” and carry on as the same person…leave the altar! Travel to where they are! Make the effort! Ask for forgiveness! Work it out! Do what you have to do in order to make it right with them … and THEN go back and give the gift to God.
Matthew 6:14-15 NIV
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins
Comment: A lot of people take this verse out of context, but if you look at the entire chapter, Jesus is teaching his disciples to not be hypocrites and to not practice their righteousness out in public. In his day (and now-a-days too) a lot of the “religious leaders” would act all pious and holy in front of the people, but in real life they wanted the best seats, wanted their name on the plaques, and wanted people to see them praying…but in their hearts they were selfish, spiteful, jealousy, adulterous and AWFUL! So Jesus’ theme is “don’t be a hypocrite” and this verse is RIGHT AFTER the Lord’s Prayer. So here, Jesus is essentially saying “Man, how can you expect God to forgive for your sins, when you aren’t a forgiving person yourself?”
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.
Comment: Right before this verse is the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant. Do you know the story? There was this servant and he owed his master $10,000.00 so the master says “Okay sell this servant and his wife and kids, and we’ll settle the debt” and the servant begs and pleads not to have his family torn apart and says “If you give me a year I’ll pay you back, I promise!” The master has compassion, cancels the whole debt, and lets him go. Now some other servant owed this guy $10, so the servant says “Pay up or else!” and the other servant says “Please I can’t pay right now but if you give me a year I’ll pay you back, I promise” and the unforgiving servant said “TOUGH you owe it!” and threw the guy in prison. Now the other servants were mad at the unforgiving one and told the master, who called him in front of him and said, “YOU WICKED MAN! I cancelled your huge debt and showed you mercy–shouldn’t you have done the same thing to your fellow-servant?” Then the master sent him to prison to be tortured until he could pay his debt.
What can we learn from this? Oh it’s easy. We owe an ENORMOUS debt to the Lord for forgiving us our sins. Shouldn’t we also show mercy to our fellow-servants?
So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.
Comment: Okay I love this one. First, notice that it doesn’t say that if someone sins against us we are supposed to be milquetoast and just accept their sinning. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO REBUKE THEM! That’s not vengeance, but rather calling sin by its name, and letting them experience the natural consequences of choosing to sin! Don’t cover it up. Don’t pretend “it’s okay.” Don’t agree with it and let it keep happening! And then you notice it says “IF THEY REPENT.” We aren’t told to forgive someone who isn’t really sorry and hasn’t really changed; this verse is specifically addressing someone who is actually remorseful and repents = 180 degree change. So they step in it…and repent. They try to be different and still do it wrong…and repent. They try again and sin against you again…and repent. They are not being their old, sinful self but they are trying but head off in a wrong direction…and repent. They make a mistake…and repent. See what I mean? Note that it says we MUST forgive them. It’s a command.
On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.
Comment: This verse doesn’t specifically have the word “forgive” or “forgiveness” in it, but I added it because here Paul is talking about how to treat an “enemy.” This is how a Christian is supposed to act toward someone who is openly hostile and at enmity in every way–in other words, definitely not a fellow brother or sister in Christ! If someone who is 100% opposed to me is hungry, I am supposed to feed them. If someone who hates me and would like to see me dead is thirsty, I’m supposed to give him something to drink. Matthew 5:38 -48 tells us even more about how to treat an enemy. So if that’s how we are to treat someone who is our ENEMY… how much more loving and kind should we be to someone who is our brother, our sister, or co-heir in Christ?
2 Corinthians 2:5-8 NIV
If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.
Comment: One thing to learn from these verses is that it is possible to be “overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.” Now suppose someone has caused you grief–I think breaking trust and betraying your spouse via adultery counts as “causing grief”–and thank God they see that what they did was wrong and repent = 180 degree change from the way they were acting. Paul says here that if the person is not forgiven and comforted, there is a risk the person could be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I believe what Paul is referring to is the feeling a truly repentant Disloyal has of being worthless, unlovable, and lower than a worm under the mud of your shoe because of what they’ve done and all the damage they did. Paul literally URGES us to reaffirm our love for the one who has caused us grief! So it’s not a commandment per se, but Paul, via the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, is telling us that reaffirming our love for the one who has caused us grief and repented is pleasing to God.
Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Comment: Man, do I really need to comment on this one? Just because it’s your spouse and they caused you grief doesn’t mean you now have the right to rage at them and hold bitterness against them. Two wrongs don’t make a right. These verses are pretty self-evident, I’d say.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Comment: Again, pretty self-evident, I’d say. When your spouse commits adultery, you DEFINITELY have a grievance against them. But what does it say?
“What about a spouse that doesn’t repent or doesn’t ask for forgiveness?”
Comment: Well we do know how God has told us to treat our enemies–those who are openly hostile and at enmity with us. If your Disloyal Spouse had an affair and refused to end it and is divorcing you, I would say that qualifies as “openly hostile and at enmity with you”..wouldn’t you? So we know that we are to LOVE our enemies. We are to feed and clothe them. We are to turn the other cheek. If they force us to walk one mile, we walk two. If they sue us for our shirt, we’re supposed to give them our pants and coat too!
I don’t see anywhere where God says “…if they are hostile to you, it’s okay to be hostile back” so for a Disloyal who doesn’t repent, I’d join with Paul and urge you to forgive them and treat them with godly love for two reasons: a) if you hold bitterness and rage in your heart, it will eat away at YOU …, and b) if you treat them in a way that is counter-intuitive to the wisdom of this world, your very actions may lead them back into reconciling their relationship with God.
If you are cheating and telling yourself that your kids will be okay…
If you think your kids will adjust after the divorce…
If you think your kids will accept and love the other person like you do….
If you think your kids will HATE your ex and reject them like you do…
…then , you NEED to listen to this:
If you talk down about your spouse to the children (whether you are the Loyal Spouse saying vindictive things about your Disloyal Spouse … or the Disloyal Spouse, justifying your affair by bad-mouthing the Loyal Spouse) you are telling your child they come from someone who is unlovable and wrong.
This article is SO GOOD that I’m reposting it verbatim:
“Honey, I have to join Ashley Madison.”
So began the pitch I gave my wife to let me join the marrieds-looking-for-affairs website, AshleyMadison.com. It would be part of my research into women who cheat, why infidelity is increasing, and what can be done to possibly affair-proof a marriage. I proposed to “cheat” on her for a few weeks, to talk to and attempt to seduce as many women as possible, and get a real-world understanding of why women want to stay married but also need some illicit action on the side.
Of course, on my end, there’d be nothing more than conversation. She looked at me straight-faced, unflinching. I searched her eyes for any telltale sign of the Charles-I’m-going-to-punch-you-in-the-face-right-after-I-castrate-you look; nothing. After a long pause, I got her only thought: “No, I get it,” she said emphatically. “It’s a great story. But it’s kinda like asking the newly-vegetarian fox to guard the henhouse, isn’t it?”
I thought about it, and unfortunately her statement wasn’t too far from the truth. If you back me up a few years—sans wife, kids, dogs, published book on relationships, 400,000+ fans following my relationship advice on Facebook—I was a chronic womanizer; a past she knows about, but never experienced personally. To make matters worse, I wasn’t some weak pick-up artist using idiotic dating boot camp approaches that reeked of negativity and douchebaggery on vulnerable women in order to break them down and manipulate them into sex. No… I was far more despicable than that.
Was I looking to get women into bed? Of course, but it was more than that. I worked hard to become the embodiment of seduction. To quickly read the spoken and unspoken clues of what a woman was looking for in a man, and then give her the perception I was that guy. In effect, to become so alluring that she would willingly give herself over, thinking that having sex was her idea. After all, it’s much easier to convince people of things they think they have thought of themselves. It was quite a rush, and as the wake of emotional destruction would later exemplify, seducing women became my drug of choice.
“No, babe … that’s not even close,” I told her, not fully considering the implications of the coming situations. “That was 15… no, almost 20 years ago. And you know that I love you. There’s nothing to fear.”
After another pregnant pause, she consented with a few words of sage advice:
“Don’t. Fuck. Up.”
According to The Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, nearly 50 percent of married women and 60 percent of married men will have an extramarital affair at some point in their marriage. When you consider that these statistics are nearly double what they were a short 10 years ago, clearly this is beyond an issue; it is now commonplace. But it’s far from a surprise; it was predicted. Futurist Alvin Toffler wrote the best seller Future Shock in 1970, and with matter-of-fact conviction he wrote of “trial” or “temporary marriages”—young people’s first marriages, lasting three months to three years—and of “serial marriages” that would take place after the dissolution of the “trial marriage” at specific turning points in people’s lives.
So, does this mean marriage has “jumped the shark” and become obsolete? Hardly. Marriage is not the issue. Commitment and loyalty or the lack thereof are at the crux of this. After all, marriage is a legal and/or spiritual binding of two people… but if commitment isn’t there and loyalty becomes a matter of subjectivity or convenience, the marriage is already nonexistent. Cheating then becomes a symptom of a secretly failed marriage.
But is it really so black and white, with no grey and no room for mistakes, missteps, or moments of weakness? Do people who cheat want to leave their current marriage? Are they secretly trying to get caught so they’ll have an excuse to get out? I needed answers to these questions (and many others), so I headed where any high-tech junkie looking to cheat on his wife would go: online.
The Business of Infidelity
The advent of the Internet has made having an illicit affair easier than ever before. Meeting Mr. or Ms. Right, The Sequel, is a mere mouse-click for anyone with a credit card. If you’re looking to Hit-It-And-Quit-It, there’s AdultFriendFinder.com, Craigslist’s Casual Encounters or Fling.com (among many others). But sex-only semi-anonymous hookups wasn’t where my investigation was headed, as women looking to merely have sex can meet a man anywhere—nightclubs, coffee shops, Facebook, wherever.
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. I needed to uncover the motivations behind starting and maintaining an affair.
And affairs are big business. Numerous websites are dedicated to connecting those looking to engage in flagranté delecto sans spouse. AffairsClub.com, MarriedCafe.com, LonelyWivesAffairs.com are but the tip of the iceberg, and all have women and men signing up in droves. The undisputed leader for cheating is AshleyMadison.com, the “Life is short. Have an affair.” website. AshleyMadison has experienced meteoric growth since its founding in 2002, with no slowing in sight. And while founder and CEO Noel Biderman doesn’t condone having an affair, he seems perfectly comfortable with others doing their infidelity thing. Works for some … and now, it was my turn to get my (feigned) cheat on.
“Hello, Ashley Madison! Long time, no cheat!”
I filled out my nickname and relevant info, plopped down my credit card number (discretely billed as “AMDB” to my credit card statement), and then all I needed to do was … wait a second. I was faced with the eternal online seduction dilemma: now what? What will make the opposite sex want me online? What do women want to see on my profile?
Recent reports state that Ashley Madison has a community that is comprised of 70 percent men and 30 percent women. Clearly women have the upper hand with choice, so I needed to stand out against all the other guys. I posted a real picture of me (I was looking to connect in-person, after all), but I listed a fake name (if they Googled my real name, I was sure to be caught). To formulate the right approach, I decided to do something I couldn’t do in the real world: get into the minds of my competition, albeit a little sneakily.
I signed up for a second Ashley Madison account as a woman, “Shelly,” and began checking out the guys’ profiles. Most of the men’s profiles highlighted attempts at humor, asking straight-out for sex, to … uh … romance (“I like walks on the beach.”) Really?! Walks on the beach?! Come on, now … no, you don’t! I mean, we all like walking on the beach, but that’s not why you’re on the site. And besides, the 1970s called, and they want their pick-up line back. In contrast, so many of the women’s profiles were dripped with laments ranging from “lack of attention” to “seeking excitement” to “need someone who pays attention.” Additionally, it was fascinating to see “Shelly’s” inbox fill up in a matter of minutes. I hadn’t even added a picture or completed the profile for that persona.
With a firm understanding of where my competition played—and the miserable approaches of some—I got to work writing something unique, confident, and (hopefully) mysterious and seductive. I set up three profiles to see which would resonate the fastest and which would hit with the most success. “Scottie” was unsure, shy, and a bit weak (“I’m not sure why I’m here.”), “Greg” was the quintessential Alpha Male (“You know you want me…”), and the aforementioned “Cameron” was closer to the middle (“Too many men get comfortable—even complacent—and forget that foreplay starts outside the bedroom… that kisses can start soft with cheek strokes, but end with the back of her hair being pulled in wild passion.”).
Online dating is a complicated arena much like ordering fast food, in that what you get is never really what the picture and description promise. And given the demographical split on the site, I was prepared to be searching and waiting for a number of days for interest or responses. To my surprise, Cameron’s profile had 20 messages on his first night.
I responded to a few messages, and before I knew it I was invited to a chat session with “SexyCat” (profile name changed to ensure her anonymity). SexyCat wanted to know all kinds of things, and what I would do if given the opportunity. With my wife watching TV on the couch a mere 10 feet away, here I was talking dirty to a 36-year-old married woman (who’s husband was probably watching TV on the couch a mere 10 feet away from her). SexyCat wasn’t the only one. I discovered that to satisfy their deep longing for passion with minimal risk, many women sign up for Ashley Madison to have virtual sex via chat.
Over the next several days, I had chat sessions of varying length with 33 different women (hmm … it is online … I wonder if they were all women!). In each session, I attempted to take things to the next level—an in-person meeting—but no-go. Most of these women seemed comfortable in getting what they needed online. It was arm’s-length cheating for them (and perhaps one-handed typing). I hope I didn’t disappoint them and that virtual cigarettes were ablaze in post-coital, pixelated afterglow of my cybersex adventures.
I told my wife about my hot chats… and she laughed. We got into a long discussion about the arm’s length approach to cheating these women had, and if it was really cheating. If it was borderline anonymous (read: they didn’t know much about me), it was akin to an interactive romance or erotic novel. I recounted some of the more sexually explicit material these ladies had written, as well as what I wrote in response, and we both said aloud what we have known for a long time: When it comes to sex, women will get into the real detail … so much more so than most men. And with the inherent anonymity of chat, those inhibitions only grow exponentially. But I hadn’t been afraid; I can talk dirty with the best of them.
But Ashley Madison had more in store for me than just chat sessions.
Date #1: “Ashley”
“Ashley” initially reached out to me and was eager to meet. After a brief inbox exchange on the website, we decide to meet for coffee at a cafe in Mountain View, a stone’s throw from California’s Silicon Valley. She was a dead-on match to her picture: a striking 5’8″ blonde. As we headed inside, I caught a glimpse of our reflections in the window and laughed quietly. At 5’5″, I look like Dudley Moore to her Brigitte Nielsen.
She was confident, and as it turned out, a bit of a cheating pro. At 43 and a pure Type A personality—a Sales Executive in high-tech—she’d been married for 22 years and has had several affairs. Ashley Madison has been her “outlet” for the past number of years. I ask if her husband has an outlet, as well, and she was clear that he doesn’t. “He would never,” she said with equal confidence. “He doesn’t have time for this kind of thing.”
As we talked, our conversation turned to the philosophical and intellectual side of life and world events: Descartes, Nietzsche, politics, world history, religion, sex… subjects about which I have no shortage of opinions and personal insight. And I realized her outlet was mental and intellectual stimulation. She was fascinated that I was able to keep up with her, and she flushed, showing signs that this was more than banter for her—it was foreplay.
Ashley told me she loved her husband but couldn’t understand why he had dropped back from their relationship. He was “passion and romance” when they dated, but had become “all work and no play.” She shared briefly that as the Chief Technical Officer of a technology start-up, he was too busy for her, with travel and his company taking all his time. “But he’s always been too busy, ever since we got married,” she lamented. I piled on to her discontent by falsely offering that my wife also has no time for me, but I then asked her: “So why don’t we leave them, then? Why are we here?” She didn’t miss a beat. “I need passion. I need to feel something … almost anything at this point. He has great qualities, but …“ and we then dropped the subject at her request.
She was extremely intelligent and witty—and she was just as clear that sex was a priority.
“You seem a little green, so let me explain where I’m at. I’m not here looking for a husband, so you don’t need to worry about that. I’m looking for a man to take the lead; to invest his time, but not his emotions. Oh, and your height isn’t a problem.” We both laughed.
Our hour-long coffee date flew by, and under different circumstances I would have loved to continue the conversation. She was strong, funny, direct… but she seemed OK with missing out on what she really wants from a relationship and settling for something mediocre in her romantic life. I left the date thinking I might better understand her on our next date.
Date #2: “Shannon”
“Shannon” read my profile and reached out to me to begin a dialogue. When we connected, she was upfront that she wasn’t yet clear on her limits, so if I was looking for sex today, I needed to move on. I told her I wasn’t clear either, and that coffee sounded good, hoping we could share a bit of time to see how we both felt.
Shannon was interesting: 35, dirty blonde hair, smart, funny, full of life, well-read and educated. She had made the decision to raise her two kids as a stay-at-home mom. She and her husband met in college, and had been together since, but his attentiveness waned after the first couple of years. I asked why she stayed. Her answer: “Because I love him.”
I feel strangely comfortable, so I shared that I hadn’t had an affair yet, and that I’m new to the site and not clear on what to do… or when. She empathized, remembering when she was new to Ashley Madison. She’d had two affairs in the past, but they were strictly for sex, and it left her feeling empty. “Sex is great, but I’m looking for some time together, too. Not dating … but just something new. My husband is a great guy, but he talks to me like I’m stupid half of the time. And I have kids; I don’t want to leave.” We talk more and it’s clear she wants to laugh, to live, to love. I wonder why she stays with her husband.
At the end of our date, I keep things cool and she asks if we can get together again. I tell her that I’d love to (knowing I can’t/won’t), and I ask her to reach me back on Ashley Madison. She’s sent me three messages since… and I answered the last one telling her that I realized after we parted that I couldn’t cheat on my wife… just not how I’m made. She responded, telling me she understood and wished me well.
Date #3: “Lisa”
I found “Lisa” by searching through the profiles. She was an attractive brunette, 5’4″, 39, 130lbs., two kids, residing in the Bay Area. After reading her profile (something I’ve been told many men don’t do with online dating sites), I sent her an inbox message telling her that I really liked her snarky attitude, her bold statements, and her general approach to life (which I had read about in her writing). Her profile stated that she wasn’t sure what she wanted from being a member of Ashley Madison, but she was clear that she wanted to chat with me. We took the chat off the site to Yahoo! Messenger, and within seconds it was clear that she wasn’t after cybersex … she was trying to feel me out. No overtly intrusive questions… just getting to know me a bit. We talked about books, sex, great places to travel, music, sex, movies, sex. After about 40 minutes of banter, I went in for the kill: “Want to grab a bite to eat this week?” I wrote, asking her to lunch. My convincer: “It’s just lunch. 60 minutes. If there’s no connection, no harm, no foul. And I know a great place in The City. Come join me. ;)” I typed, dripping with confidence. She agreed.
We met the next day at Albona Restaurant in San Francisco’s North Beach restaurant district. It was crowded, but she recognized me instantly from my profile picture, and I had already secured a table. We exchanged pleasantries, ordered a mid-day cocktail (I think I needed one), and began talking—me sprinkling in my interview questions throughout normal conversation. Over the next hour I played the part of the guy who was married, but just couldn’t get into the humdrum of married life. I needed… something. She quickly agreed with me and then spouted answers as I took mental notes.
I asked her why, with all the choices available to her, she had answered my email. Her answer: because of how I phrased things on my profile. Aside from the raw passion I had exhibited, she said I showed “thoughtfulness, intelligence, and a confidence” that came through in my writing… and I didn’t send her a picture of my penis. At 39 with two young kids, she lamented that her marriage had grown cold, and her husband complacent. Her relationship was good in many ways—financially stable, secure, friendly—but it lacked … and she stopped. I probed, “Passion?” and she almost leaped off her seat in agreement. She longed for spontaneity, the freshness that accompanies new relationships, and the effort that her husband had put in 10 years prior.
Midway through the meal, I started flirting with her. The challenge: I couldn’t get my wife out of my head. But as I continued, I found myself returning to the guy I was years before: focused on seduction, listening for clues to her wants and needs. We were now done with lunch, and I turned my attention to how far I could take her. As it turns out, she was the one who gave me the in by asking, “What do you find the most attractive about me?” This question is a pick-up artist’s dream for a number of reasons. Firstly, it speaks to her not having been complimented often enough, as she was fishing, apparently insecure and looking for validation. Secondly, it shows that she wants to know where my head is at; what do I see first when I look at a woman, and how does that relate to her? And thirdly, it’s an inviting question, in that she wouldn’t have asked if she wasn’t interested in me. So, her simple question tipped the scales in my favor.
“You have a great walk,” I told her. She looked at me like I was crazy. “No, really,” I said. “You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks and her body language as a whole. Is she looking at the ground, unconfident, or is she standing tall, greeting the world? And, you have a swing when you walk,” I added playfully. She was taken aback—as I knew she would be. A clever man might talk about a woman’s intelligence being a turn-on, but most men don’t usually talk about confidence in this fashion. I moved the conversation from confidence-building to sex, and she followed along, clearly digging where I was guiding things. She was very interested in how I saw her, hungry for the compliments and clearly longing for the passion I started putting out. She reversed the question on herself and then told me what she liked about me, and the conversation tumbled into her passionate thoughts, how I was making her feel: relaxed, free, feminine. At this point, I was in a dicey situation. I didn’t want to sleep with her, but the challenge of having her commit to giving herself over was intoxicating. So, I kept pushing the limits and pouring it on, all the while hoping that my wife would understand the true motivations for my actions.
Fifteen minutes later—an hour-and-a-half after we arrived at the restaurant—I made The Ask: was she interested in heading down the street to a nice hotel and experiencing what I have been describing? I told her I haven’t prepared for this, but connections like this are rare, and that I’m having a hard time controlling myself. I didn’t want to be so forward, but… and I stopped talking, letting my look fall to the floor. This gave her the illusion of being in control of the situation with a choice. A short pause and a coy smile from her told me instantly that she is absolutely hooked, and mine for the taking. She agreed to go to the hotel with a whisper, and leaned across the table to kiss me to seal the deal. And… I froze. My body language changed instantly, and I sat back from the table and put my hand up to stop her advance.
“What?” she laughed.
“No, really. I can’t do this.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked, with genuine confusion. With a sigh—and for the first time realizing that I didn’t have an exit from this situation—I explained: “I’m working on a research project on adultery. This is a part of it. I’m sorry, but I can’t cheat on my wife.“
I paused and she stared at me in disbelief. I had effectively brought her to the apex of her wanting, and now I was pulling the rug out from under her.
“So, this was all bullshit?” she asked through her teeth, not wanting to cause a scene in the restaurant. I sat motionless, unsure of what to do when she made the decision for me. With a look that would level an army, she seethed out, “Fuck you, Cameron,” and threw what was left of her martini at me. She turned and stormed out of the restaurant.
My heart went out to her. It wasn’t her fault. I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t tempted, but my wife, my honor, my word and my humanity are not worth it, no matter how attractive she might have been. After patting myself dry amidst slack-jawed looks from other diners, I left the restaurant and headed home. I was emotionally spent.
As I pulled into my little suburb-of-a-town, I arrived at a local coffee shop down the street from my house, and I called my wife to see if she would join me. She agreed, but when she arrived I knew something was wrong. My thoughts were confirmed when I greeted her. With a smile on my face and my arms out to embrace her, I was greeted with, “Don’t even touch me, I can smell you from here. You smell like liquor and whores.”
Whoa! This was NOT what I planned on, and this isn’t the way our open and honest relationship normally runs. She sat away from me, her arms folded in front of her, sipping her coffee and barely looking at me. I told her the story of what happened: the restaurant, the lunch, the flirting, the advance from Lisa, the cocktail. Her anger intensified.
“That’s bullshit, Charles. No one throws a drink on someone for nothing. What did you do? Just tell me. What did YOU DO?”
For much of the afternoon, she fought with me. Given what my investigation was trying to uncover, and in light of my recent actions—even though they were “allowed” actions based on what we had discussed—I felt I had nothing to stand on. I tried to explain that I didn’t do anything, but she wasn’t buying it. After three hours of not speaking to me, it became clear what was really bothering her when she told me emphatically: “You know, Charles, it’s amazing. I don’t care about your ‘date’. And for all I care, you could have slept with her. But tell me this: When was the last time you took time out of your day and took me to lunch for no reason?”
Her statement to me was an eye-opener, and in polling 250+ women in the days that followed, I reached an important understanding. When an adulterous man is found out, there are many, many women that can get past the sex act itself. But the real problem is where his effort has been going. As his wife sits idle, being supportive, holding down her half of the relationship, house, kids, etc., a cheating man will put boat loads of effort into seducing the other woman: four-star restaurants and hotels, gifts, laughter, spontaneity, passion, sex. From there, it’s a sad realization for his wife that translates to “I’m not worth the effort.” This is a fatal blow to her self-esteem and self-worth, and terminal to the relationship. My wife and I got past it, but I had to relent to the fact that I hadn’t done those things for her recently… and it wasn’t purposeful, it was a mirror into my own accidental complacently (and I’m supposed to be an expert!!!). It’s not that I take her for granted. But in acting like a cheater, I had fallen into my own trap. Accidentally? Perhaps, but does it matter? Isn’t the end result the same?
With all my experience and expertise, I keep learning.
Contemplating all of my experiences with the women of Ashley Madison—chat sessions and in-person dates—several things became painfully clear. First, there isn’t one “type” of woman looking to cheat online. Some were looking to have sex, period. Others were looking to subsidize their current relationship with a human connection… and if it led to sex, even better. But all were clear that they were not leaving their current relationship. These weren’t monkeys getting a grip on the next branch before letting go of the first. They just wanted to feel what they used to feel from the man in their life.
The most common complaint was a lack of passion and effort by the man in their current relationship. It makes sense. When a man begins dating a woman, he puts in tons of effort; he woos her. Once she’s “his,” he stops putting in that effort, but she still longs for it. She wants to be desired, seduced, and connected with on a regular basis. So many men seem to be missing the boat. They start strong, having a decent sense of how to capture a woman at the beginning, but upon entering a relationship they are unprepared for the long haul and investment a successful relationship demands past the dating phase. The situation starts to reek of complacency and satisfaction in mediocrity.
Should the women of Ashley Madison leave their current relationships before starting a new one? Yes… but the sad truth is that these women weren’t looking to start a new relationship. I got the distinct impression that they were filling their needs outside their relationships until such time that he noticed he was disconnected, it became unbearable, or it ended on its own. And until then, they were willing to settle for a half-marriage with a side of passion.
I still feel that cheating is the wrong thing to do… but this is the grey area I didn’t see before.
To the men thinking of getting married: being married isn’t like dating. Marriage doesn’t take “work” per se, but it does require concerted effort and investment in each other, and in you. If you aren’t into it, don’t do it, as you will be setting yourself up for failure—perhaps finding your wife on Ashley Madison. Or worse, out with a guy like I used to be, enjoying passion because you stopped bringing it.
Men in established relationships and marriage need to remember that women are women first and foremost… and wives and mothers second. If a man stops bringing passion and effort to his relationship and stops treating her as a desired woman, he shouldn’t be surprised when she feels forced to fill her needs elsewhere.
Originally appeared at YourTango
If you reconciled after an affair, what were the clues that you saw that your Disloyal Spouse had really changed?
If you did not reconcile after infidelity, what did you see that indicated your Disloyal Spouse was not about to change?
“Please don’t cut off all contact with me. If you do there will be no chance of reconciling, and I want to change. I’m serious. What if I change and you’ve closed the door on our marriage?”
We’ve all heard these words like these from our Disloyal Spouse, or if we are the Disloyal Spouse, we’ve said something to this effect to our Loyal Spouse, and with those words the Loyal plunges into a sea of confusion and uncertainty. What if their spouse DOES change? What if they HAVE ALREADY changed? What if they are in the process of changing? Should I forgive them? How can I tell if they mean it or if they are just saying it to get what they want?
The way to tell if a person has really changed or not is outlined for us in Ephesians 4, specifically starting with verses 22-24:
“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” – Ephesians 4:22-24
In this chapter, Paul itemizes for us the four steps involved in TRUE change (transformation):
This is also true for the person who was formerly a cheater and has now had a true transformation in their attitude and life. They will also go through all four of these steps and all four will be observable and obvious.
First, they will “put off their former way of life”, so if they were formerly a flirt or they watched porn or they met others through chat rooms, they will STOP THAT. If your Disloyal is telling you that they’ve changed will still engaging in their affair or still going to the internet to chat for hours, then they have not really changed. The very first step is to stop doing what they used to do.
But just stopping the activity is not enough. Imagine a person who is an alcoholic. If all they do is stop putting liquor to their lips and swallowing, they haven’t changed inside. They haven’t changed their minds, their thoughts, their attitudes toward alcohol at all! So the second step in authentic change is to actually change your MIND–renew it. We have to change what we think (the words and when, etc.), and this will change our attitude, which is our “set way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person’s behavior.” When a Disloyal is sincere in their change, they will not only stop being unfaithful, but will also change the way they think about infidelity and they will change what infidelity means to them. Whereas they used to see unfaithfulness as “fun” and “exciting” and “enjoyable” they will have renewed their minds and said “STOP” every time they thought of their Affair Partner and instead replaced it with the truth about the AP: they lack character and morals! And whereas they used to think of their spouse as “a nag” and “a prude” and “controlling” they will have renewed their minds and said “STOP” every time they thought like that and replaced it with the truth about their spouse: they were deeply hurt and still had the courage and grace to hang in there!
Now right about here, a lot of Loyal Spouses are fooled, because often a Disloyal can convince their Loyal Spouse that they have stopped talking to or spending time with their AP, and they can even say the right words that seem to indicate their attitude toward adultery has changed. But Loyal Spouses–word of warning! Stopping the behavior and saying words that seem like the thinking has changed IS NOT ENOUGH to indicate true, repentant change. The third step is a necessary condition. Verse 24 tells us that true repentance (true change) requires that they also put on a new self.
Finally, if Paul had left it at that, we might have been left to wonder what he meant or had to speculate about what “new self” he was asking us to model, but Paul didn’t do that. He gave us four practical illustrations of what it means to truly put off, renew, and put on a new self:
We can see that the person is doing 180 degrees the opposite of what they used to be doing, and more importantly, the person has taken the time for their life to demonstrate, through their behavior and actions, that they are DIFFERENT!
So we have a guide for telling when a Disloyal Spouse has had a real change. When you see all four steps, then you know that things are truly different and the repentance is honest. If you see that they have stopped committing adultery; if they have renewed their mind and how they think about their spouse and marriage; if they have put on a new self and it is 180 degrees the opposite of what they were doing; and if they invest the time to demonstrate in their life the new way of behaving…then it is real. If you don’t see all four steps, then it’s not real change.
Let me give you an example of what happens when you confront too early, and another example of what happens when you control yourself, take the time required to gather solid evidence, and then confront.
THE FACTS OF THE EXAMPLE:
Loyal Spouse (LS) finds a gift of a rather “adult”nature given to Disloyal Spouse (DS) by some Other Person (OP). LS also discovers a 1-800 phone card in DS’s possession and DS has a nice, new cell phone with no need for a secret phone card. LS does a little initial checking and can not find OP’s name, address or phone number, and does not see hours of calls on the phone bill. LS suspects a certain co-worker, but has no real proof, just a hunch. LS checks through DS’s phone and finds history is deleted and finds no texts or calls.
CONFRONTS TOO EARLY:
LS can not contain his/herself and goes immediately to S2 that night. LS expects to have a “come to Jesus” meeting with DS and ask what’s going on and get an honest answer (forgetting of course that if DS has demonstrated that they will lie to cover up the gift and phone card, that DS will also lie about where they came from and how they intend to use them). LS is angry and asks DS if they are cheating! DS vehemently denies what IS going on, and demands to see evidence–DS is also tipped off the LS knows. DS blameshifts and says “If anyone has problems it’s YOU! You’re just petty, jealous and controlling!” and now the focus is on LS defending themselves instead of focusing on the cheating!! DS even throws out what a HORRIBLE person LS is for invading their privacy! “HOW DARE YOU!!” they cry with pretend righteous indignation, then they storm out of the house with the evidence, and DS probably goes straight to OP’s and let OP know that the gig is up and they have to go further underground.
CONFRONT AFTER GATHERING EVIDENCE:
LS contain his/herself and goes to the closest electronics store that night and gets two Voice Activated Recorders…one for DS’s car and one for the room in the house where DS sneaks off to at night to “play on their phone”. While waiting for the evidence from the VARs, DS asks for a night out, and LS asks a friend to follow discreetly and take photos of anything they see. Meanwhile LS writes a timeline of when DS SAID they were going somewhere and when DS didn’t answer their cell phone and later called back to give some excuse. LS begins to see a pattern. This goes on for about a week, and the friend finally says “LS, I actually saw DS and OP together and they were kissing outside OP’s car. I did get a couple photos.” So LS decides it’s time to check the VARs and sure enough that very night DS was recorded talking to OP planning their rendezvous and saying what they intended to do. There was more on the tape, but LS had heard enough.
LS goes the next morning to the bank, creates a new account, separates funds, and changes all direct deposits. LS places copies of all evidence in a safe deposit box and then goes to the doctor to be tested for STD’s. Then the LS goes to an attorney to file for divorce and ask for full custody and child support. LS waits until the papers are ready (another couple days) and then has them served to DS at work in front of OP. DS RACES home and wants to know WHAT THE HECK is going on! DS is met with all their possessions boxed and packed, in the garage, and LS says “I know you are cheating with OP and I will not have a partner in my life who is unfaithful. This is your one and only chance to come clean and end all contact with OP. If you do not, we are through.” DS vehemently denies the affair, and LS doesn’t say a word–just shows one or two pieces of solid, damning PROOF (like two photos). DS stutters, tries to blameshift and LS says “I’m not controlling you–you are free to make any choice you want. But your choice is to honor your vows and end all contact with OP–including quitting your job tomorrow–or to lose your family, your lifestyle, and me. I will not be with a cheater,” and the focus is kept on DS defending themselves. DS tries throws out what a HORRIBLE person LS is for invading their privacy! “HOW DARE YOU!!” they cry with pretend righteous indignation, but LS says “How dare you commit adultery and destroy this family for an orgasm! Your things are packed in the garage. Until you are ready to stop cheating, get out of this family house!”
DS walks out the door, kind of freaking out…and breaks down. They are found out and they KNOW they can not keep doing this.
So you see, if you confront too soon, the chance of reconciling your marriage is extremely small. EXTREMELY. On the other hand, if you control yourself and hold on…there is a better possibility. Now I warn you, it is a small chance: I’d say that the majority of Disloyal Spouses are too proud to admit even to themselves that they did something wrong (about 90% I’d estimate). But there are a small number that will be confronted HARD..and will realize what they’ve done and what it’s about to cost them, and stop.
For your family and your marriage, I pray you will stand strong, be a hero, and wait until you have gathered evidence. And remember, the evidence is not “to prove it in a court of law” necessarily–it is to prove to you in no uncertain terms that there is or is not an affair. It is to prove to your spouse that you KNOW and there is no denying it.
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