Top 8 Affaircare Topics: #6 The Purpose of No Contact & No Contact Letters [Podcast]

I just found out my spouse is cheating-what do I do? How do I do ‘no contact’ when we have children? My spouse was unfaithful and there’s going to be a child! Before you cheat here are some things you should know.

In this week’s episode, we continue our new our series  “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.” We’re doing a countdown from 8 to 1, and today we are at number 6: it’s a tie between “The Purpose of No Contact” and “Sample No Contact Letters.”

Articles in this podcast:
The Purpose of No Contact
http://affaircare.com/articles/the-purpose-of-no-contact/

Sample No Contact Letters
http://affaircare.com/articles/sample-no-contact-letters/

If you’d like to learn more about Affaircare join us next week when we’ll continue our 8-week series on “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.”

Ask Affaircare: Is Fifty Shades of Grey REALITY?

We’re departing from our usual “Ask Affaircare” format because the movie “50 Shades of Grey” is being released just in time for Valentine’s Day.  Well, the ladies over at iamatreasure.com did such a good job addressing this issues that I am re-posting their blog exactly as it was written.  You can find the original post HERE.


 

Fifty Shades of Reality, through the eyes of someone who has lived it

Dee02_135x150

Fifty Shades of Grey is not reality.

I spent 22 years working in the sex industry, 14 of which were spent solely as a Dominatrix. So, I feel like I am an expert on a subject most people only narrowly understand, if at all.

While Fifty Shades is “entertainment”, the danger is that it is enticing people to join a dark world in which they know nothing about. And it is inviting women to do it as a sexual slave under the guise of finding Mr. Wrong and turning him into Mr. Right.

The reality of the S&M (Sadism and Masochism) world is this, when you are someone’s slave, you give them COMPLETE power over you. The nature of the relationship is that the dominant person controls you and punishes you whenever they wish. They find your limits and push you past them.

imagesYou are not whisked off in jets and helicopters like some sort of celebrity who has won a prize. You are beaten and stuck in cages and dungeons. You are handcuffed and whipped until your skin bleeds and then when your master makes you beg for more, you are pushed beyond your limits of pain and left in a little ball on the floor. BROKEN! There is no mercy, there is no makeup artist, YOU have no control.

The truth is, some people like to feel pain.

I did a documentary a few years ago and one of the questions I was asked was why do people seek out pain? In my experience there are six main reasons why.

  1. LOSS: Some people have experienced so much loss and betrayal in life that they no longer feel anything. They are literally numb. Like all of us they are looking to belong and be loved. The only thing they can feel is PAIN. So the person who offers them pain is the one they love.
  2. ABUSE: Some people are taught from a very early age that pain IS love. Abuse from a parent or sibling that has never been addressed confuses the person. They have been taught that love equals pain. So if someone causes you pain, they must love you. This person will literally look for reasons to be punished so that they feel more loved.
  3. CONTROL A: Someone who was sexually abused may look to being a dominant so that they can work through their control issues. Being raped or sexually abused causes constant feelings of loss of control. In order to gain some sort of control over their life they choose to be the one (The Dominatrix) who gives the pain. The one who does the raping. Although it is technically not raping someone if they pay you to do it.
  4. CONTROL B: People who have a lot of power often end up abusing it. Money usually comes with power and the person gets a sense of not being able to hear the word no. They treat everyone around them poorly. Deep inside they know what they are doing is wrong and they seek out a dominant. Someone they can pay to punish them for how hateful they are to everyone else. Someone who will make them hear the word NO! and enforce it.
  5. MONEY: Some people do it just for the money. In the S&M world these people don’t last long because they run into people who will happily break them and realize that no amount of money is worth the abuse they have just received. Still I will never forget the words of one of my slaves when I asked her why she liked to be abused. She said, “Sometimes it’s just easier to lie there and take a beating.”
  6. BOREDOM: Lets face it, people get bored easily. Everyone wants to try the new and improved trendy way of, well everything. You want to add a little spice to your sex life so you go out and buy some handcuffs. Next thing you know you are at swingers party with your husband and then divorced.

I think it is very dangerous to glamorize this lifestyle. Women and more importantly, young girls may entire this dark world thinking they will find their Mr. Grey and nothing could be further from the truth.

What they may find is that they are whisked away to a house and stuck in a room, never to see the light of day again. They will be forced to have sex with upwards of 20 men a day and when they are all used up, they will either be tossed to the side of the road, or get a bullet in their brain.

I know these words are hard to swallow, but this is the reality of the S&M world. Not the whole reality, because quite frankly, you couldn’t handle the whole truth; the truth that some people enjoy being hung by hooks that have pierced their skin and oh so much more. However, I hope it is enough to open your eyes to the fact that this is NOT a glamorous world where the girl gets whisked away by the rich and powerful man for a happily ever after. That she somehow changes him. That he falls in love with her and changes his wicked ways. The world of S&M is very black and white, there is not room for 50 shades of gray.

 

book signing treasures copy

Dee Roman

Author, Coach, Motivational Speaker

Bio: Dee Roman is an author, coach and motivational speaker.  She is an avid story teller and uses her natural gift of encouragement to help people overcome insurmountable obstacles.  She believes in miracles because she is one! Nearly five years ago, Dee walked into Oasis Church deeply scarred from her life in the sex industry and a  30-year drug addiction.  It was there she came face to face with the truth: she was valued by God and had a purpose. Dee dove head first into her recovery process and started attending a variety of recovery programs, The Bondage Breakers, Celebrate Recovery, Greif Recovery and a pirate support group for ex sex industry workers, run by the Treasures Ministry in Los Angeles.  She was surrounded by love and found the courage to work through her healing so that she could use her story to help others heal. Dee has coached survivors of sex trafficking at the Los Angeles Dream Center’s Project Hope.  She is currently mentoring several women from Treasures who are transitioning out of the sex industry.  Dee also teaches The Grief Recovery Method at Oasis Church.  Read Dee’s Story. – See more at: http://iamatreasure.com/ourevents/speakers-bios/#sthash.iZKiOL8M.1tYPBFA1.dpuf


 

Treasures (iamatreasure.com) is a unique, faith-based ministry sharing the gospel with women in the sex industry, sharing the message that they are loved, valued and purposed.  – See more at: http://iamatreasure.com/#sthash.X6cyMIMD.dpbs

Top 8 Affaircare Topics: #7 “Exposure” & “Sample Consequences Letter” [Podcast]

I just found out my spouse is cheating-what do I do? How do I do ‘no contact’ when we have children? My spouse was unfaithful and there’s going to be a child! Before you cheat here are some things you should know.

In this week’s episode, we continue our new our series  “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.” We’re doing a countdown from 8 to 1, and today we are at number 7: it’s a tie between “Exposure” and “Sample Consequences Letter.”

Articles in this podcast:
The Difference Between Exposure and Revenge –
http://affaircare.com/articles/the-difference-between-exposure-and-revenge/

Exposure vs. Revenge –
http://affaircare.com/2013/05/16/exposure-vs-revenge/

Sample Consequences Letters –
http://affaircare.com/articles/sample-consequences-letters

If you’d like to learn more about Affaircare join us next week when we’ll continue our 8-week series on “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.”

Ask Affaircare: Who Should I Talk To About This?

AskAffaircare

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


Our question today comes from a Loyal Husband who needs to talk to someone about his wife’s affair.  He writes:

Should i confide in a close female family friend about my wife’s affair? I really need to talk to someone…..

Dear Loyal Husband who would like to talk to a close female family friend, 

I can give you a very, VERY short answer to this question:  NO!!!

NO, you should not confide in a close female family friend about your wife’s affair, because developing close friendships with members of the opposite sex is what got you and your wife into this trouble in the first place!  She developed a “friendship” with a close classmate or a close co-worker or a close man from the gym, and now, because she confided in someone who listened to her and offered sympathy and support, she thinks she “loves you but she’s not IN LOVE with you.”

When one of you does the wrong thing (aka “is unfaithful”), that does not give you the justification to go out and do another wrong thing of your own.   In a summary, her sin does not justify your sin.

I don’t want to be harsh, here, and I do want to offer you some true hope, so the very first thing I’d recommend is getting a good grip on what fidelity means.  My definition of fidelity, or “faithfulness,” is that you voluntarily, of your own free will, promised to give 100% of your affection and loyalty to your spouse and only your spouse as long as you were alive.  Note that means that you don’t get married “because they meet all your needs perfectly/naturally” — but rather that you made a commitment to study and learn about your spouse to show love TO THEM.  Also note that 100% means that NO PERCENTAGE goes to any other person!  If you have a close female family friend, that means some percentage of what you owe to your wife and volunteered to give her is being given away to some other woman…and that’s destructive to your marriage.  So number one–keep your own side of the street clean by not turning to the close female family friend. Make sure that you are giving the same 100% to your wife that you expect from her.   And yes, I get it–the close female family friend could be an aunt or 2nd cousin twice removed, but that’s not the point.  100% is due to your wife, and no one else.

Second, I would recommend that talking to someone about it is a great idea!  I can’t imagine trying to get through the heartbreak of adultery all by yourself–but right now if you turn to a female, if she is anything even close to understanding, providing encouragement and emotional help, then you will begin to bond to HER and that is 100% reserved for your wife!  So avoid that temptation right now by turning to the men in your life who are likely to understand and support you.  I don’t know you or your situation specifically, but maybe you could turn to your father or a brother, or if your family of origin is dysfunctional, try some local, pro-marriage male friends or some guys from church. You’d be surprised (and probably saddened) to realize how many men at church have been through the same things themselves!  And if family, friends or church doesn’t work for you–there are support groups like the Beyond Affairs Network – Support Groups for Betrayed Spouses.   Not to toot our own horn, but you may want to take to David too–you know the other co-founder of Affaircare!  You can email him directly at affaircare@gmail.com if you’d like. The point here is to DEFINITELY talk to someone, but make that person a male person for now at least until you get your head on straight.

Finally, let me end my answer with a few bible verses, because our whole goal here is to act and live like God wants us to act and live.  So how would we know what He wants if we don’t look at what He wrote, right?  Here’s how we are to treat one another:

Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”

Galatians 6:2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:14 “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.”

Hebrews 10:24 “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

Clearly we are not meant to go through our trials and tribulations and difficulties alone. Clearly as Christians we have a mandate to support each other and encourage each other and pray for each other and help each other.  But we don’t “encourage the fainthearted” by encouraging or allowing sin.  In fact, these verses indicate the opposite–we are to sharpen one another and admonish the idle and stir one another up to love and good works.  So…

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

I encourage you to be TRUE to your promise.  I encourage you to do the HONORABLE thing. I encourage you to remember that you have been forgiven too, and to be JUST.  I encourage you to be PURE for your wife.  I encourage you to be a LOVELY man inside and out.  I encourage you to do the really hard, COMMENDABLE thing.  Speak to the men in your life and give your marriage the best possible chance for reconciliation.

Faithfully,

 

~Cindy

 

Top 8 Affaircare Topics: #8 “Just Found Out” & “7 Steps to End an Affair” [Podcast]

I just found out my spouse is cheating-what do I do? How do I do ‘no contact’ when we have children? My spouse was unfaithful and there’s going to be a child! Before you cheat here are some things you should know.

In this week’s episode, we begin our new our series “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.” We’re doing a countdown from 8 to 1, and today we start with number 8: it’s a tie between “Just Found Out” and “7 Steps to End an Affair.”

Verses used in this episode:

Matthew 18: 15-17 -If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

If you’d like to learn more about Affaircare join us next week when we’ll continue our 8-week series on “The 8 Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.”

Ask Affaircare: I Don’t Know What to Do Anymore

AskAffaircare

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


Our question today comes from a Disloyal Spouse who just can not break it off with the Other Person.  He writes:

Hi, I just found your site tonight and I’m really struggling.  I’m the disloyal spouse and I’m still in phone contact with the OP which is my ex fiancée.   My spouse knows about my affair, which lasted years.  I’m still very much in love with my ex, although I’ve tried to not be.  I can’t let the ex go, I’ve tried and tried over 18 yrs.  I keep flip flipping back between the both of them.   I have left my spouse a couple of times for my ex.  I am now back in the marital home since March 2014 after moving out and into my ex ‘ s place for 2 months.  My heart is with my ex, and I have a hard time being intimate with my spouse, to the point of hardly ever.  I’m very depressed over what this situation has become.  Don’t know what to do anymore.  

Unhappy in life

Dear Unhappy in life,

Actually, yes, you do know what to do. The problem is that you don’t want to! You write that you are depressed over what this situation has become, and that is quite understandable – and something you can easily overcome. But I have to make a couple of things clear. At Affaircare, we approach reality from a Christian viewpoint, which means that we understand very clearly what is right and what is wrong in this type of situation. We know the solution, and, we know that the solution is both possible and also fulfilling. This means that what we expect you to do is specific and clearly laid out by God in Scripture. Moreover, your depression is self-inflicted and as such, your choices will determine whether you continue in depression or move out of it.

The first thing I’d like to point out is that you are not acting like a man (you aren’t acting like a woman either, so do not misinterpret what I’m saying.) There is an old saying: “A man is as good as his word.” In biblical terms, this is found in Deut. 23:23 “…You shall be careful to do what has passed your lips, for you have voluntarily vowed to the Lord your God what you have promised with your mouth…”  You are only as dependable, credible, trustworthy, and respectable as your ability and desire to keep your promises, and this is something that God promises He will help His children fulfill.

In this instance, you have made a promise to your wife, and you have backed out on your promise. You have not kept your word. You are a liar. You are sinning. Of course, the idea of sin will only bother a Christian, but the rest of this appeals to nearly all walks of life. No wonder you are depressed – you know deep inside that you are a liar, untrustworthy, lack credibility, and respectability. If you didn’t feel depressed, there would be something really wrong with you!

Interestingly, feeling depressed because you realize all of these things is a good sign: your conscience is working and you know the correct path to take. You can overcome this. The fact that it bothers you is actually a good thing!

But there is more. You write that your “…heart is with my ex…”, that you are “…still very much in love with my ex…” although “…I’ve tried to not be…”  Again, it’s understandable why you would feel depressed, and let me say that there is a solution to this. Keep in mind that what you are talking about is NOT love! It is familiarity, lust, admiration, affection, and any number of other emotional states. You have chosen – even if not with explicit intention – to feel these things about a person from your past, rather than giving them to your wife. In this, you are cheating. You are not giving 100% of your loyalty and affection to the person you promised to give these things.

Love is none of the above. It is an action. It is how you treat others. You promised to love your wife – that is, to treat her in a way that is best for her – and yet the only person you are really loving right now is yourself: you are chasing after what you have determined is best for you. And you’ve shown how bad you are at even that simple activity –  you feel depressed because it isn’t working!

On top of this, there is a strong possibility that you enjoy the lure of forbidden activities. That is, you get a thrill out of cheating, out of the actual sin. Adam and Eve were tempted in the same way – and gave in the same as you. Its a very human characteristic. The one thing they were forbidden – that was the one thing they wanted most – because it was forbidden. That is fallen human nature at its strongest.

So you have chosen to give into temptation for the sake of fulfilling what makes you feel good. And this calls up the first point we brought up: a man is only as good as his word. No one says it is easy to do the right thing. Sometimes it is hard. But a real man will do what it takes, because it is the right thing to do, even if it is painful or difficult. What you have chosen, instead, is to worship your pleasure. You do what it takes to feel good – and, ironically, you find that it fails at every turn. What a surprise! You feel depressed!

Yes, you know what to do. You have three choices:

1) Stay the course, keep doing what you are doing, and quit complaining about feeling depressed. That’s the consequence of the choice you made, and no one is interested in your self pity.

2) Divorce your wife, and run to your lover. It’s almost a forgone conclusion that this will end up in failure, but this would at least free your wife from the anguish of being chained to a dishonest, cheating, self-centered fool who refuses to act with love toward her.

3) Drop your ex, turn to your spouse for forgiveness, do the right thing, and take the consequences, however painful they may be in the near future, knowing that as a real man, you are taking steps to build credibility, trustworthiness, and respecatbility. And, if you are a Christian, know that God has promised (and cannot fail) to pull you through and bless your choice. Your depression will end, and you will find life much more satisfying – once you have done the hard work

Faithfully,
David at Affaircare

Help Your Kids Survive an Affair #4 – God Can Heal Broken Hearts [Podcast]

How do you help your kids when your spouse is having an affair?  What is the ideal? What do kids need? What are some common pitfalls that parents make? And how can God heal broken hearts–yours and theirs?

In this week’s episode, we conclude our series “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair” by discussing how God can heal broken hearts.

Verses Used in this podcast:

Proverbs 12:22Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.”

Job 27:4 “My lips certainly will not speak unjustly, Nor will my tongue mutter deceit.

Proverbs 1:8-9  “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.

Proverbs 12:18  “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Psalm 34:18  “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Hebrews 10:25  “Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Proverbs 22:6Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Ephesians 6:1-4Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

If you’d like to learn more about Affaircare join us next week when we’ll be starting an 8 week series on “The Most Popular Topics on Affaircare.”

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Ask Affaircare: How Could You Be So Heartless? Have a Little Sympathy!

AskAffaircare

The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


Our question today comes from a lady who commented on our “Sample No Contact Letters” page.  She writes:

Wow … Yes, I know that we can disagree, but your response is just about the most heartless thing I’ve ever read. The truth is that the cheating partner has deeply hurt BOTH the spouse and the affair partner. In my case, I was wooed and pursued relentlessly. Yes, I should have resisted and I did try numerous times to end things from my end, but every single time, this man came after me full throttle with beautiful words, love songs, everything he knew to wear me down to opening my heart to him again.

I gave SIX YEARS of my time, my emotions, my heart, my love to this man. Yes, it was wrong and I take full responsibility for that. But to encourage men (or women) to chop someone off without ONE WORD of kindness or apology or at least a simple well wish for the future is heartless. The affair partner is a person too … there is incredible (almost life-threatening) pain on our end too. Many of us are good, loving people who made a terrible decision. I feel that the cheating partner owes us at least a tiny recognition for the fact that we hurt too. That he/she wronged us too by making promises they wouldn’t/couldn’t keep, seducing us with many thousands of hours of communication and love and affection.

In my case, I understood completely (and supported) the decision to end the affair and return to his wife. But the pain inflicted at the end (by the approach you are recommending) caused me to feel so completely worthless that I have considered suicide just to end the pain. I was tossed aside as if I were a $50 whore that he’d spent a night’s fling with … not someone who invested six years of my life, built a strong friendship above and beyond anything sexual, stood with him emotionally through some really challenging times and truly loved him.

As a Christian, I would challenge you to rethink the statement that “all empathy should be toward the spouse.” I believe it is possible to make it clear that the affair is over without dehumanizing and treating the affair partner like a worthless piece of shit. In my case, HE PURSUED ME RELENTLESSLY up until two nights before he ended things. He was pressuring me for video-chat sex two nights before … and you’re telling me that I don’t even deserve a simple acknowledgement or apology that he wronged me as well? I cannot tell you how far that would have gone to heal my heart.

I never see Jesus treating someone with such complete disregard. I agree with no contact .. but not with the detached cruelty expressed in these letters. What would be so wrong with simply saying, “I am so sorry for the pain I’ve also caused you and sincerely apologize for the selfishness that I showed in creating a relationship with you that I should not have. I hope that you will find healing from the pain that I’ve inflicted on you I wish you all of the best for your future” That simple kindness would at least acknowledge that this woman/man is a person too.

To pretend there is no emotion involved in severing a six year relationship is ludicrous. To pretend that the only woman’s heart that matters at all is the wife’s is very simplistic. This man wronged TWO women and we both deserve the decency of that pain being honored … at least with one small sentence of kindness and warmth.

PLEASE reconsider this … I have spoken to so many other “other women” who have also been devastated by this approach. The manner in which our affair was ended is truly the most crushing, demeaning thing that has ever happened to me …. even though I was wrong and sinned, I have value and worth as a human being.

Dear Ms. Have a Little Sympathy,

This is Cindy writing from Affaircare, and I wanted to respond to this one today because this issue is very important to me, personally. The first thing I do want to let you know is that I, myself, was a formerly Disloyal Spouse, so I do not write to you as if I am a blameless, perfect person. I do understand that as human beings, we do sometimes make poor choices and do the wrong thing, as I did it myself!  I also realize that often when we make a poor choice, that the consequence is excruciatingly painful. The second thing I do want to let you know is that we, at Affaircare, do not not want anyone–Loyal Spouse, Disloyal Spouse, or Affair Partner–to believe there is not HOPE. We are nouthetic counselors so that means we engage people in biblically-directed discussions so the Holy Spirit can bring about change in personality and behavior. We use the Bible, and not “psychology” or the popular opinion as our guide.

That being the case, I’d like to start this letter by talking about feelings. Feelings are the perception of a bodily state as pleasant or unpleasant; they are responses to judgments made about the environment or oneself. These judgments trigger body chemistry to orient our body to meet the situation. The body chemistry accounts for “feelings” or “emotions.” Some examples of feelings would be that you feel “happy” or “sad” or “good” or “bad.”

However, one does not “feel” inferior. That’s not an emotion brought about by body chemistry. It’s an expression of a judgment, attitude or conviction about your own self–“I AM inferior”–a conclusion reached about your own behavior, attitudes, character or capabilities. You wrote that you felt like “…a $50 whore that he’d spent a night’s fling with … not someone who invested six years of my life, built a strong friendship above and beyond anything sexual, stood with him emotionally through some really challenging times and truly loved him.” Since it is a self-judgement, though, there is HOPE because the Holy Spirit can bring about change in personality and behavior!

doing-judgment-feeling-doing

It’s important to know what a feeling is and isn’t because when the Disloyal Spouse married their Loyal Spouse, they made very specific promises such as forsaking all others. The entire point of marriage is to say to one other human being “I willingly volunteer to give you 100% of my affection and loyalty, and I willingly volunteer to spend the rest of YOUR LIFE getting to know you deeply and treating you in a loving way.” Because of this promise, Disloyal Spouses actually morally and legally have a duty to their Loyal Spouses. They do not have a moral or legal equivalent to any other human being on the planet.

Unfortunately, with Hollywood showing us that love is a “feeling”–something like “star-crossed lovers who see each other across a crowded room and overcoming all obstacles they fulfil their destiny”–most people have no idea what Real LOVE is. It’s not having another person “complete you” or having your needs met by someone. It’s definitely not looking at your lover’s spouse as an obstacle to overcome either! Real Love is not “love yourself” or “self-esteem” or supporting sin or offering sympathy by feeling bad for you. In fact, Real Love is not a “feeling”! Feelings change and are not dependable! Think about it: day-to-day you can “feel” different just because you’re hungry, tired, or it’s a time of the month. So “feelings” come and go, wax and wane, and roll in and out like the tide, but Real Love is like I Corinthians 13. Real Love is FOREVER–so it just couldn’t be talking about a “feeling.”

Real Love is the ultimate answer to all problems of living–Love is our goal, here at Affaircare! But Real Love is serving and is obedience-based. Real Love is an ACTION–a choice. Between human beings, Love is when you choose to treat another person in a loving way. Between humans and God, Love is obeying God. So if I really and truly love you, I’m not going to encourage you to continue to sin–I’m going to treat you in the most loving way I know, and that’s to encourage you and help you in every possible way to obey God. I’ll only say this once: disobeying God comes with some excruciating consequences. If you disobey and repent, that does not automatically mean that God will take away the painful consequence of the disobedience you chose! So if I love you, and I do, I will do my very best to support you in your obedience.

Finally I know you wish I would support you, and from what you wrote, I don’t think you wish I would encourage or endorse the affair. It sounds like you wish I would tell the Disloyals to send one last love letter to their Affair Partner to say goodbye…or maybe at least offer one last bit of tender kindness to someone who loved them well. I would like to let you know why I DON’T endorse that. It’s for two reasons:

1) Disloyal Spouses have a duty to their Loyal Spouse not to their Affair Partner. Now, I’m not saying that any human being has the right to treat another human being with hatred and harm, but rather that when it comes to consideration, a spouse owes 100% to the person they married. Not even 1% is theirs to give away! Think of it like a person who has had their leg caught in an explosion. There are chunks of leg still hanging there, but the damage is so extensive that the leg can not be reconstructed. So is it more compassionate to cut off the leg in one, swift slice with a scalpel? Or is it more compassionate to gradually cut off a little bit at a time every day over several days?

It’s the same here. The Disloyal Spouse gave away what was not his/hers to give. Taking it away and returning to their spouse is going to cause DEEP pain to the person they have injured (you)! You may wish he gradually cut off a little every day, but that actually just extends the pain. It’s more compassionate to have one swift cut-off and then you can be on your way to healing and learning how to live as an amputee. That’s why I encourage Disloyals to send a letter that cuts it off 100% thoroughly and that gets them back in the habit of giving 100% to their spouse again rather than prolonging the sin of giving some portion to someone else.  But make no mistake, the Disloyal’s and the Affair Partner’s choices  cause harm just like an amputation.

2) Offering “support” and “sympathy” by just feeling bad for you is not a help. A nouthetic counselor will never support sin, but rather point out biblical principles and use kind, concerned, confrontation to bring repentance, faith, and hope. The aim is HOPE through change. It’s not sympathy to stand back and feel bad for you; it is sympathy to ACT. Look at the Good Samaritan. He didn’t see the wounded man and just “feel bad for him”–he ACTED, bound his wounds AND took him to a place that could care for him AND PAID FOR IT! He showed mercy and love by acting. If I were to offer support or sympathize, that would mean there are no better options, and I’d be standing by while you suffer. Instead of standing by, I’m rolling up my sleeves and jumping in to actually offer HOPE–doing something concrete.

So I do understand that indeed you hurt tremendously and that you felt deep feelings and that losing someone you loved is very hard. But I want you the hurt to end. I want you to recover and feel “good” again, and the fastest way to do that is to encourage you to discontinue all connection with your Disloyal right away, and to return to obeying God and living in a way that pleases Him, even if it’s not easy for you.

Faithfully,

 

~Cindy J. Taylor

Help Your Kids Survive an Affair #3 – Common Pitfalls

How do you help your kids when your spouse is having an affair?  What is the ideal? What do kids need? What are some common pitfalls that parents make? And how can God heal broken hearts–yours and theirs?

In this week’s episode, we continue our series “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair” by examining examining some common pitfalls that parents make when their is a major crisis in the family. There are nine common mistakes that parents make when their children are struggling, and we go over each downfall to identify the error and make more healthy suggestions.

  • Leaning on your children as if they were peers.
  • Loyal Spouse: Speaking badly of the other parent.
  • Disloyal Spouse: Thinking your kids “will be happy for you”
  • Not allowing your kids to express their feelings.
  • Not keeping your word–lying to them so they aren’t hurt.
  • Spoiling your child to “make up for it”
  • Not taking time for touch.
  • Setting unrealistic expectations.
  • Failing to pray for your children

If you’d like to learn more about “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair,” join us next week when we’ll be discussing how God can heal broken hearts.

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Help Your Kids Survive an Affair #2 – What Kids Need to Do

How do you help your kids when your spouse is having an affair?  What is the ideal? What do kids need? What are some common pitfalls that parents make? And how can God heal broken hearts–yours and theirs?

In this week’s episode, we continue our series “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair” by examining what kids need to do in order to deal with a parent having an affair. There are five areas in which your children will be struggling, and we go over each one of the areas to describe what they need.

  • Understand what’s going on
  • Deal with losses
  • Deal with anger
  • Deal with guilt feelings
  • Accept the finality–it will never “be the way it was”

If you’d like to learn more about “Helping Your Kids Survive an Affair,” join us next week when we’ll be discussing some common pitfalls that parents make when their is a major crisis in the family.

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