AFFAIRCARE

…nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.


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Ask Affaircare: We’re Newlyweds and My Spouse Cheated!

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The Ask Affaircare Series started because our readers have questions. About Affairs. Reconciling. Marriage. Divorce. Christianity. The Bible. And God.  Initially, we tried to answer each question through e-mail, but we quickly realized that there were many people asking many similar questions, so we started this weekly series!

It’s not our goal to make you agree with us, but rather to explore what the Bible says in thoughtful, and clear manner. Additionally, we try to write our answers in a loving but truthful manner (Ephesians 4:15) because we know there is a real person – with real struggles and dreams – behind every single question. Thank for you visiting Affaircare. Keep those questions coming!


 

Our email question today comes from a newlywed wife, who writes:

I got married just a few months ago. A few days after marriage my husband decided he didn’t want to be married and started drinking heavily. About a week later he said he was sorry and really loved me. He suspiciously always has to leave and always has a story why he has to leave. There were many signs that he was cheating. I asked God to please reveal to me what I need to know. I found his missing wedding band in his glove compartment. I suspected he was seeing his ex girlfriend. I texted her, telling her he got married along with a picture and then confronted him. His first response was he loved her and tried to love me. Well she has dumped him and now he wants us to work it out. He has been lying and cheating on me since before our marriage. I am being a good, Godly Christian wife, but I don’t trust him or believe him. I don’t know how to! I’m praying, but the mistrust of him cheating before and after marriage is devastating. I feel like he’s staying with me because she dumped him. Please pray for me. I hurt so much!!!! 

 

Dear Newlywed Wife,

We are DEFINITELY praying for you!  I can not imagine the pain of a husband who was unfaithful before the marriage and into “the honeymoon” period!  People usually think of the honeymoon as a time when love is new and strong!  I bet this has been a very painful, trying time for you.

Let’s start by saying that if your new husband has been unfaithful, then in Matthew 5: 31-32 says  “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’  But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.”  When a disloyal spouse is martially unfaithful, it is within the moral rights of the loyal spouse to choose to divorce, but it is not REQUIRED.  If you were to choose to divorce and annul the marriage right now, it would be something you could choose to do with a clear conscience, because the covenant of the marriage was destroyed by the disloyal spouse’s actions–not by your decision to legally match what their actions DID.

But it is very important to note that it is not required for you to divorce, and here at Affaircare we support you if your choice is to attempt to reconcile.  We believe that marriage is commitment and that love is an ACTION not a feeling.  So if you put your commitment to your marriage ahead of temporary feelings right now, or even ahead of feeling of affection, then honestly, we’d see that as heroic and honorable.

If that is your choice–at least for now–it is utterly reasonable for you to not trust him or believe him. Well…actually that’s not accurate.  You trust him … TO BE DISHONEST! It’s a common misunderstanding to say ‘I don’t trust you’ when in real life, you don’t have issues trusting at all.  You trust him to lie to you.  You trust him to be unbelievable.  See what we mean?  There is trust–the part that’s been broken is the HONESTY part, not the trusting.

And it’s reasonable to not believe him and not trust his honesty.  His words and actions have not matched.  He has demonstrated a willingness and ability to lie to you.  He has ACTED dishonestly and spoken dishonestly, so right now, you have complete faith in his ability to hide things from you, betray you, and hurt you in order to make himself feel better!

If he wants to stay married, and you are willing to give him the time, we would suggest that the two of you start from ground zero.  The very first thing he’d have to do is spend some time where his words and his actions MATCH proving to you that he is willing and able to be honest to you!  Frankly that is going to take some time, because for months now he has proven the opposite.  Let’s assume it would be equal–he needs to be HONEST with you for the same amount of time that he was DISHONEST with you, and then maybe you’d start to trust his honesty.

The second thing the two of you would need to do is to rebuild from scratch.  Right now, any foundation that was built has been destroyed.  Any affection that was built, before his betrayal and before you discovered it, has been completely wiped out!  So we would strongly encourage both of you to start over.  Do the quizzes and questionnaires on our site to learn about each other and get to know your Love Languages,  Personality Types, Love Kindlers, and Love Extinguishers.  Read up about What To Do After an Affair and follow those steps together.

If he is willing to spend a year or so showing you he can be honest, and if he is willing to spend a goodly amount of time like that rebuilding and showing consistent, loving behavior–acting like a married man and thinking of you and your needs–then we could see hope for this marriage.  We see no reason for you to rush right off and file for divorce, nor do we see a mandate to live together or live apart during this timeframe.  If you do feel more comfortable separating, it is conceivable you may want to file Legal Separation to protect yourself legally.

Thanks for writing to us and let us know how you’re doing!

Faithfully,

 

Cindy and David.

 

 

 


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Recovering After an Affair: Mutual United Understanding [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile. WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???


In this week’s episode we continue our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair, and we discuss a new compact that you are going to make with your spouse.  From this day forward, you will discipline YOURSELF to not do anything unless you and your spouse have a M.U.U. “A what?”  A Mutual United Understanding.

If you’d like to learn about M.U.U in more detail, our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity.

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Recovering After an Affair: Take Some Time [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile. WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???


In this week’s episode we continue our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair, and we discuss one of the most fun steps in reconciliation–taking some time alone together. This is a CRUCIAL step in creating positive associations with your spouse, and it is the foundation upon which the new “post-affair” marriage will be built. Your getaway doesn’t need to be a cruise to the Bahamas, nor should it be a pressure to make love, but it should be just the two of you and it should involve activities you both enjoy–something you BOTH have always wanted to do!

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity.

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Top 10 Acts of Service to Make Your Partner Feel Loved

Recently, David and I have discovered a great little site: Twoofus.org.

Since one of our Reconciliation Tools is The Five Love Languages (as seen on our Quizzes page), we found this little article about the love language “Acts of Service” and thought it was so good, that we’d just repost the whole thing!  The original of this article can be found here: http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/top-10-acts-of-service-to-make-your-partner-feel-loved-/index.aspx  (Warning: it loads REALLY slowly)


 

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In Gary Chapman’s best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, he explains that people express and receive love in different ways. Dr. Chapman identifies these the five languages of love as: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

For people who have “acts of service” as their primary love language, helpful acts are seen as very powerful expressions of love and devotion. Actions like cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, taking out the garbage, mowing the grass, etc. are all acts of service. If done with a positive spirit and without expecting something in return, they are indeed expressions of love.

Within every language, there are many dialects. If you have a significant other with acts of service as his/her primary love language, find out the specific things he/she would like by asking. If you are the person with that specific love language, let your spouse know which actions mean the most to you.

We asked people what acts(s) of service they think are most valued by a spouse are here are some of the responses:

  1. During the cold months, put a towel in the dryer while your spouse is showering so it’s all fluffy and warm when he/she gets out.
  2. Clean the kitchen or bathroom
  3. Men: Be a gentleman and walk on the “dangerous” side of the road so she feels protected.
  4. Fix things that the other can’t fix.
  5. Buy or make him/her lunch and bring it to him/her at work, even if (especially if) it’s out of your way.
  6. Cook a special meal that you know he/she likes.
  7. Fill up your gas tank without being asked.
  8. Drop your spouse at the door when it is raining.
  9. Men: Open car doors for your wife.
  10. Go to the grocery store and buy items you know he/she loves—without being asked


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In Christ Alone

I just heard this today, and it was SO BEAUTIFUL I just wanted to share it.

LYRICS:

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev’ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow’r of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow’r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow’r of Christ I’ll stand.


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Recovering After an Affair: Forgiveness [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile. WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???


In this week’s episode we continue our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair, and we discuss one of the hardest parts about reconciling–forgiveness. We also go over the most common myths about forgiveness and offer concrete steps to help you forgive each other.

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. We will be discussing what forgiveness is and is not, and how to forgive. To introduce our new program, we are reviewing our Basic Concepts


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Today is the Day!

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Have you and your spouse been fighting all the time, and you have a gut feeling your spouse has been unfaithful?  Have you just found out your spouse is cheating, and you don’t know what to do?  Has your spouse’s affair ended, and you two would like to reconcile, but you don’t know where to start?  Have you been trying to reconcile after infidelity, but it feels like you are spinning your wheels and can’t get that loving feeling back?

Our new program “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” starts TODAY and I’m so excited!!  So if you answered “YES” to any of the questions above, and you’d like to join us, there’s still time.

Register Here

You’ll get more information, a nice little “early bird” price on the program, and a little freebie from us to you.


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Recovering After an Affair: Commitment [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile. WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???

Today we continue the final week of our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair. In today’s episode we discuss the first thing you truly need to understand to begin recovering–commitment.

The verse that Affaircare is built upon is all about commitment: “…Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the LORD your God with your own mouth…” – Deuteronomy 23:23

We believe that commitment is an intellectual exercise and not a feeling–just like love. It starts with a conscious decision you make. You decide to take a particular course of action over and against some other course of action because you are obligated. For example in the marriage commitment, you make a vow to choose a loving course of action toward your spouse for life.

Now usually you choose to marry someone because they make you happy. You are pursuing happiness and being with him or her makes you happy. The two paths of “happiness” and “being with them” seem to run parallel or are merged into one path! But what happens when the paths diverge and go in different directions?

Troubles occur when the commitment to happiness is prioritized above the commitment to the marriage. This is exactly the thing that often leads couples down the path to infidelity: when one partner is looking and looking for “what makes them happy” and their marriage is in a rut so it doesn’t “make them feel happy.” They allow their emotions to guide their decisions… “it FEELS good so I’m doing this…” rather than choosing to create happiness in their marriage or choosing to look for the happy things they do have within their marriage.

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. We will be focusing on Commitment and discussing what TRUE commitment is (we have it almost exactly backward), how to get the two paths of commitment to marriage and happiness to come back together again, and how to make PRO-active choices rather than RE-active decisions. To introduce our new program, we are reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!  Request more info about our new program HERE!!


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Recovering After an Affair: Pre-Reconcilliation [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile.  WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???

Today we begin the final week of our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair.  There are specific steps you can take to slowly, one-step upon the previous, build a whole new, healthy marriage.  There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

In today’s episode we discuss the things that need to be in place BEFORE you can even begin reconciling:

1) No Contact with the Affair Partner
2) Transparent Honesty
3) Agreement by BOTH spouses to work on yourself and the marriage.

Use the Sample No-Contact Letters that you can find here: http://affaircare.com/articles/sample-consequences-letters/

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 


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Steps to End an Affair: Consequences – Legal Separation [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve confronted your spouse, disclosed it to a trusted mentor, and exposed the affair. You’ve dangled the tempting carrot and applied the stick….NOW what should you do?

Today we are finishing the Steps to End an Affair portion of our Basic Concepts. There are specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe your spouse may be unfaithful. There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

In today’s episode we discuss the Consequences Phase and the last option: Legal Separation. Use the Sample Consequences Letters that you can find here: http://affaircare.com/articles/sample-consequences-letters/ and end all contact with your disloyal spouse as long as they continue their affair. Let them have a good taste of what the cost of divorce will be and what it will be like to not have you in their life. Also, don’t give them the opportunity to blame you for their own choices and thus deflect responsibility. If they STILL harden their heart and will not end the affair, the best you can do is protect the marital assets and the marital home legally and try to wait it out. Make sure that a court of law enforces things like supporting the children and visitation and custody so that you are not “the bad guy.” There’s still hope, and time is on your side if you can be patient.

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 

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